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Trust a Brandybuck and a Took!  by Grey Wonderer

Poking The Badger

Merry slammed the door behind himself as he entered the small house at Crickhollow. Merry had been living here with his cousin, Pippin for a few months and everything had been generally peaceful until recently. Lately it seemed to Pippin as if Merry might be trying to remove the door from its well oiled hinges with all of the slamming. Merry was constantly slamming it when he returned home. Then Merry would refuse to explain why he had slammed the door and would proceed to go into his own bedroom and slam that door as well. Pippin was becoming convinced that it might be wise to remove all of the doors before someone was injured.

Pippin sat on the sofa in the parlor and quietly grimaced as Merry stormed by him and went into his bedroom. Pippin just had enough time to cover his ears before Merry slammed that door. Pippin knew Merry was upset. It was an easy assumption to make at this point. Total strangers would have no trouble puzzling out that fact. Something was making Pippin’s usually pleasant older cousin a complete terror to be around but Pippin had learned that there was no use asking Merry what was wrong. In fact, asking Merry anything was a bit like trying to put a waist coat on a badger; in other words dangerous and pointless. The badger was unlikely to be cooperative and the end results were most likely to be painful.

As Pippin sat quietly on the sofa imagining a badger in one of Merry’s brightly colored waistcoats, Merry came charging into the parlor. Pippin watched as Merry paced about the room mumbling to himself. The image of the badger was getting harder to maintain but Pippin continued to try. He had to remain occupied in some way even if it was completely ridiculous or he might say something to make Merry even angrier. Pippin squeezed his eyes shut tightly and tried to place the imaginary badger at the breakfast table.

“So, you just plan to sit there?” Merry demanded stopping in front of the sofa and glaring down at Pippin.

Pippin opened one eye, looked up at Merry, and said, “I was planning on that but now I don’t believe I shall be allow to do so.”

“Imagine my surprise! My very nosy, very talkative, hopelessly curious, younger cousin has no questions at all! How is that possible, Peregrin?” Merry growled. Pippin opened his mouth to answer but Merry continued. “Here, just when I might like a bit of support or might even welcome a question or two you’ve gone mute?” Again Pippin opened his mouth and again Merry rushed onward. “I come home, slam a few doors, I mean surely you can tell that something is amiss, but you can’t be bothered to ask!”

Pippin drew in a deep breath, opened his mouth and said, “Well, I-“

“It’s like coming home and finding the place empty!” Merry broke in. “I might just as well be living alone for all the concern that you bother to show for me. In fact, I could be having this conversation all by myself!”

“So far, you are having it by yourself,” Pippin said hurriedly. Most folks couldn’t have got a word in but that had never been one of Pippin’s problems. “You won’t allow me to say anything. You just keep on ranting and waving your arms about and slamming things.”

“That’s right,” Merry shouted. “Interrupt me when I’m talking!”

Maybe it wasn’t like putting a waistcoat on a badger. Maybe it was more like pinning a flower to the chest of a bear or spitting in the eye of a dragon Pippin mused. He sighed and stretched one long, thin leg out before him and studied his own toes intently.

“You might show a bit of concern here, after all that I’ve been through the past few days,” Merry sighed and he sank down on the opposite end of the sofa and slumped.

“I’d be happy to show my concern if I were allowed to ask you exactly what it is that I am concerned about, Cousin,” Pippin said turning to look at Merry. “To this point, all I am able to show concern for is the possibility that you might destroy all of our doors if this keeps up. I can’t be concerned about whatever it is that is bothering you because you haven’t told me anything about that.”

“Fine,” Merry growled. He folded his arms over his chest and looked away from Pippin.

Pippin waited a few minutes and when Merry said nothing more, Pippin decided that it was time to poke the badger so to speak. He gathered his courage and cleared his throat. “What is bothering you, Cousin?”

Merry sighed and slumped even lower on the sofa. “It’s like Minas Tirith only in reverse, Pippin. Haven’t you noticed it at all?” Merry asked sounding frustrated.

“I’m still not altogether certain what you mean,” Pippin frowned.

“Here’s an example,” Merry said. “This evening I decided to go up to the Hall for a while to visit with my family. You decided to stay here and see to the animals and work in your garden a bit so I went alone.”

“You told me that you didn’t mind if I stayed behind,” Pippin said now concerned that he had caused Merry’s latest fit of door slamming by not accompanying him to the Hall.

“I didn’t mind,” Merry said in that irritable tone with which Pippin was fast becoming acquainted. “That isn’t the problem. I was only building up to the problem.”

“Oh.”

“I went up to the Hall and I sat down to dinner with my parents and several cousins,” Merry continued. “As I sat down in my chair, I banged both of my knees on the table top! It hurt and so naturally I winced a bit. This caused quite a bit of rude laughter from Berilac and from my father. Then everyone started telling me that with my long legs I might need a higher table!” Merry snorted. “I have been eating at that very table since I was a faunt! The rest of the meal I had to endure questions from my Aunt as to whether or not I was comfortable.” Merry went on in an impersonation of the Aunt, his voice taking on a high pitch and shaking slightly as he spoke. “Do you find it hard being so very tall? Don’t you bump your head a lot? Just exactly how tall are you, dear?”

Pippin bit the insides of his cheeks to keep from laughing. This was not the time to snicker. Merry’s impersonation was very funny and spot on but Merry would not appreciate Pippin’s amusement at this moment.

“Then after dinner we went into the parlor and I thought that perhaps there’d be another topic of discussion other than my height that might be of interest to them,” Merry said. “I was wrong. I was asked to stand back-to-back with several relatives so that it could be determined exactly how much taller I am!”

“Like with Sam in Minas Tirith!” Pippin reminded Merry. “When he couldn’t believe how much we’d grown.” Pippin chuckled. “He kept saying that it wasn’t possible at our ages.”

“It was like that only I didn’t mind when Sam did it,” Merry said. “I did mind when Berilac pointed out that, no matter where I am, I can be easily spotted because I am now the tallest Hobbit in all the Shire! That bothered me considerably.”

“Naturally,” Pippin scowled. “You were annoyed because Berilac was wrong. I’m the tallest Hobbit in the Shire.”

Merry turned to look at him and frowned. “No, you aren’t,” Merry said. “I am.”

“You are wrong about that, Cousin,” Pippin smiled. “You see, before we became so very tall, the Bullroarer was the tallest Hobbit to have ever lived in the Shire and since I am a Took, naturally the Ent draught affected me a bit more than it did you. I am the tallest Hobbit in the Shire. Berilac is wrong on that point.”

“It just so happens that my mum is a Took or have you forgotten exactly how we are related?” Merry said stiffly. “Besides, I was taller than you to begin with and so naturally, I am still taller than you.”

“You may have been taller than me before the Ent draft but you aren’t taller than I am now,” Pippin said flexing the toes of his outstretched foot and smiling. He was quite pleased with what he saw.

Merry groaned. “Fine, think whatever you like. I don’t know why I am arguing about this issue. The point of this discussion is that I am tired of everyone in the Shire treating me as if I were some sort of oddity on display. In Minas Tirith everyone stared at us because we were smaller than they were. They thought of us as being child-like and they sometimes forgot that we weren’t children at all. I thought that it would be very comforting to return home to the Shire and be treated like any other Hobbit again but when I come back I find that folks refuse to let things return to normal. I am still the object of much starring.”

“Well, what did you expect them to do?” Pippin asked. “Here you are, one of only a few Hobbits ever to leave the Shire at all and you return in full armor and a considerable amount taller than when you left. I should wonder about them all if they weren’t a bit curious. You know it isn’t only Tooks that can be curious about things, Merry.”

“A bit of curiosity is one thing,” Merry sighed. “I was in the Green Dragon a week ago and some of the lads were having bets on arm wrestling challenges. It was all in good fun. Just some harmless wagers for drinks and so I decided to join in. The trouble was, none of them would challenge me! They looked at me as if I were daft to have even suggested such a thing!”

Pippin laughed a bit now because he really couldn’t help himself. “You were daft! You’d have been the clear winner in all contests. There probably isn’t a Hobbit in all the Shire that can best you at arm wrestling. You won most of the time among your friends before we left but now you would be impossible to beat. They would have been out of their minds to take your challenge, Merry. You’d have been up to your considerably high arse in drinks within minutes!”

Merry sputtered. “I might have lost!”

“Was Sam there?” Pippin asked. “Or Tom Cotton maybe?”

“Well, no,” Merry frowned.

“As I recall, before we left the Shire those were the only two Hobbits around here that usually beat you and I am guessing that you could win over either of them without breaking a sweat now,” Pippin smiled.

“Is that any reason to exclude me?” Merry objected.

“It is if a Hobbit doesn’t want to spend all of his coin buying you drinks,” Pippin laughed.

“Aren’t you at all bothered by any of this?” Merry frowned. “Surely you must have got some of the same treatment that I’ve got.”

Pippin smiled. “I spent two hours the other night listening to your mum and several others go on about how I’d grown.”

“Didn’t it drive you ‘round the bend?” Merry asked.

“I rather enjoyed it,” Pippin smiled.

“How could you possibly enjoy that?” Merry looked completely amazed.

“Because, unless it has slipped your notice, I’m not at all used to that sort of thing,” Pippin said. “I am the one that everyone always patted on the head and smiled at. I am the one that everyone thought was so much younger than I actually was because I was so small. I am used to being the topic of discussions in which others wonder if I will ever be of proper height or even manage to be as tall as the lass I might one day marry. I am the one that everyone refused to arm wrestle with because they found it too easy to best me.”

Merry looked startled by this information. “You might have wanted to be a bit taller and perhaps a bit heavier or a bit stronger but this is more than just a growth spurt, Pippin.”

“I am quite pleased with it,” Pippin grinned. He stood up as if to make his point clearer. “I am no longer everyone’s little cousin or little brother. Most folks do not pat my head or muss my hair because most of them have trouble reaching the top of me. For the first time in my life, I am not the smallest and I like it very much.”

“But everyone thinks we are entirely too tall!” Merry said, standing and facing Pippin. “I’ve had a few mothers back their children up from me saying things like, ‘Be careful because Mister Brandybuck might not see you there.’ As if I would actually step on a child!”

“I’ve been overlooked and stepped on before,” Pippin said frowning. “Several times in fact.”

“I never stepped on you!” Merry objected.

“I didn’t mean you had,” Pippin said. “Your father did once, but I don’t think you have.” Pippin cocked his head to one side and seemed to ponder this question.

“I have never stepped on anyone’s child,” Merry said firmly. “Yet there are Hobbits out there in the Shire that believe that I might do just that very thing.”

Pippin patted Merry on the shoulder. “You’re being too sensitive, Meriadoc. They are probably just a wee bit intimidated by you and really that shouldn’t be anything new for you. Folks have always thought that you were rather imposing. You were tall before we left and you’ve always been stronger than most of the other lads. Besides, you’re the Master’s son.”

“Imposing?” Merry looked at Pippin in surprise. “You didn’t seem to find me imposing back then. I don’t ever recall you backing down from an argument with me or moving out of my way.”

“That is because I am used to very tall, imposing Brandybucks,” Pippin smiled. “I’ve been among them all of my life. Besides, I’m dreadfully difficult to impress.”

Merry snorted and sat back down on the sofa with a resounding thud. “I wish we’d never drank that Ent draught, Pippin,” he said softly.

Pippin sat down next to him. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do,” Merry said. “I was tall enough before I left home and I’d be very content to be that size again. I don’t enjoy being ogled at and I am starting to lose my patience with it all.”

“Starting? I’d say that you lost your patience some time ago,” Pippin said.

“Two weeks ago I came upon some of my cousins and some of the other local Hobbits having a wrestling match and I stopped to watch for a time,” Merry said. “I wasn’t in my uniform or anything, just my regular clothing like now.” Merry straightened his bright blue waistcoat self-consciously and continued. “I was watching Merimas wrestle with Buck Greenholm and well before they got to the point of a winner I causally offered to wrestle the victor.” Merry sighed. “You should have seen the looks on their faces! They were terribly rude about the entire matter and Merimas actually accused me of having an evil streak in me for even suggesting such a thing.”

“It’s rather like our farm dog, Big Black,” Pippin said.

“What has this to do with a dog?” Merry demanded. Pippin’s mind did wander off in odd directions but Merry wasn’t certain that he had the patience for that sort of thing just now.

“Big Black was enormous, Merry,” Pippin said. “You remember.”

“Yes, he was a big dog,” Merry sighed.

“More than that,” Pippin said. “My father actually thought that Big Black might have belonged to some of the big folk and that he wasn’t a Hobbit dog at all. He was that big, Merry. He looked like a small pony!”

“Will you get to the point of this?” Merry growled.

“The point is, Big Black never seemed to know that he was bigger than the other dogs,” Pippin said. “He would try to run under fences that they could run under and he’d get caught and have to back out. He’d try to play with the other dogs and they’d lie down and refuse to have any of it. He didn’t mean to hurt them but he was just too big for them.”

“Are you comparing me to a dog, Pippin?” Merry frowned.

Pippin’s eyes widened. “Well, if I am I didn’t mean to,” Pippin said quickly. “It’s only that you’re too big for a fair match against Merimas or any of the others. Merry, if for no other reason, you’ve been trained to fight for battle by real soldiers! These are just Hobbits from the Shire, Merry.”

“And what does that make me, then?” Merry asked.

“A really big dog in a farm of smaller, less tough dogs,” Pippin said slowly. “You’re still a dog but now you’re too big to play with the other dogs.”

Merry scowled and folded his arms over his chest.

Pippin brightened. “It’s a bit like when I was twenty-five!”

“When you were twenty-five?” Merry wanted to ignore Pippin at this point but he was far too curious about exactly what was coming next. He did hope that Pippin was not going to compare him to any more farm animals.

“Do you remember my twenty-fifth birthday?” Pippin prompted.

Merry nodded. “We were staying with Frodo at Bag End because a hard rain had washed out part of the road to Tuckborough and you were rather disappointed about not being able to have a proper celebration with your family so Frodo and I tried to cheer you up by taking you out for a night at the Green Dragon.”

Pippin smiled brightly at the memory. “I was tying to be cheerful but I was not doing too well and so when a large group of the lads moved out back of the Dragon for a bit of wrestling and wagering you and Frodo took me out there with you.”

“That was the night that we found out what a fine wrestler you were,” Merry said. “Frodo and I had taken you out to watch some of the others and I was keen to do a bit of betting. The winners of the matches were doing quite well as I recall until you showed up.”

Pippin grinned widely at Merry. “As I recall, Sam was wrestling with Jolly Cotton when we came out and after he finished, a smaller lad, one of the Chubbs, maybe Ben or Pete, was going up to wrestle and you suggested that I have a go at him.”

“I believe it was Ben,” Merry said. “I think I did suggest your first match.”

Pippin smiled. “I was a bit reluctant because they were all bigger than I was and I usually lost at those sorts of contests but as it seemed to be important to you, I went on up and had a try. I won without too much effort and then had to face another opponent.”

“Frodo and I stood there for the rest of the evening and watched you win match after match,” Merry said. “It was-“

“Very expensive I’d guess,” Pippin broke in.

“What do you mean?” Merry sputtered.

Pippin snorted. “All of those victories must have cost you and Frodo a fair penny.”

Merry gaped at Pippin. “You knew?”

“What?” Pippin grinned. “That you and Frodo were paying the other lads to lose to me? Not at first but after the third match I suspected something.” Pippin laughed. “By the fourth match I was certain that one of you were in debt up to your eyes because that was when I managed to pin Sancho Proudfoot! Whichever one of you paid for that, must have paid dearly because Sancho would have never lost to me in front of witnesses without getting a very high price for his trouble.”

“That was my brilliant idea,” Merry said sarcastically. “Frodo said that Sancho would be trouble but I refused to listen to him. I knew how you’d always wanted to best Sancho at something and so I figured that you’d enjoy beating him in a match.”

“I did enjoy it,” Pippin said.

“Even though you know we’d set the entire thing up?” Merry laughed. “I mean if you knew that you hadn’t actually won then why did you enjoy it?”

“Because even though it was all a set up,” Pippin smiled. “It was a good set up and at times I almost believed I was winning on my own. As you and Frodo and everyone else have pointed out to me many times, I am entirely too easily taken in.”

“Why didn’t you say something and stop us?” Merry asked the amusement plain for all to see in his eyes. “I mean if you knew what we were doing then why do you let it go on?”

“It was a birthday gift,” Pippin said. “I may have been small and gullible but I wasn’t rude, Merry. You don’t turn your nose up at a gift and most especially one that is so generous. You paid for Sancho twice that evening. That was very good of you.”

Merry rolled his eyes. “The second time I paid for Sancho, he informed me that if I didn’t allow him a rematch that he’d tell you the whole truth. At the time, I thought you didn’t know and so I paid him so that he’d keep quiet.”

Pippin dissolved into laughter. “That Sancho always knew a good deal when he saw one!”

Merry laughed too and then suddenly he turned to Pippin and asked, “What does that have to do with my experience?”

“I just thought of it because normally the other lads beat me soundly at wrestling,” Pippin said. “I suspect that now if you were to wrestle Merimas then I’d have to pay him and quite well I should think.”

Merry groaned and leaned his head back against the sofa. “I know I’m being silly, Pip but I miss those sorts of things. I miss contests. I was rather good at them and I enjoyed winning. Now, I suppose that I shall be a spectator for the rest of my life.”

“Well, I think you will have to find some other sort of competition to enter,” Pippin said. “Maybe something like draughts or pie eating or darts?”

“But wouldn’t I be left out of the pie eating because I am so much bigger?” Merry asked.

“Really, Merry! Do you know any self-respecting Hobbit that doesn’t believe he can eat more pie than anyone, even a larger Hobbit?” Pippin asked. “We’re Hobbits, Merry and all Hobbits are proud of how much they can eat. I suspect that you’d have plenty of challengers just because if any of them bested you, think of the bragging they could do.”

Merry smiled. “You may be right about that.”

“There’s also dancing,” Pippin said. “They have those dance competitions all the time and I don’t think being taller makes you the clear winner at dancing. Or there’s that contest where they judge who has grown the largest potato or squash! Think of it, Merry, if one of the largest Hobbits in the Shire were to actually grow the largest potato!”

Merry laughed. “All right, I get it.”

“The other lads will play with you, they just don’t want you to kill them,” Pippin said.

“I am a bit too old for some of this nonsense,” Merry said. “Still, maybe I should think about practicing up on my pie-eating skills for the next fair.”

“And if you’re worried then I will be happy to pay a few of the other Hobbits to lose to you,” Pippin offered. “I suppose all of this is just part of adjusting. Strider did warn us that it might be difficult to fit back into our old lives. He said it because of the way war changes folks but I suppose it could apply to height too in this case.”

“How did you get so clever?” Merry asked. “As I recall, you are still the younger cousin.”

“I have surrounded myself with very clever Hobbits,” Pippin said with a shrug. “I guess some of that is finally rubbing off on me.”

“I suppose we should get some rest,” Merry grinned. “I think I’ll go on to bed now that I am not angry. Of course I will be annoyed by my bed covers being a bit too short but I think I can live with that now.”

“I don’t mind the short covers,” Pippin said, standing. “I like to have my feet stick out.”

“That is why your feet are always cold,” Merry sighed. “Isn’t there anything at all that you don’t enjoy about being taller?” Merry stood as he asked this.

“Not really,” Pippin said.

Merry reached over and mussed Pippin’s curls.

“Don’t do that!” Pippin objected. “I thought I was rid of that.”

“I saw Frodo do it the other day when you were sitting at the breakfast table,” Merry grinned.

“Well, that’s Frodo,” Pippin said. “I suppose I don’t mind when he does it because he doesn’t do it to make me feel small.”

“Neither do I,” Merry said. “I just do it partly out of habit and partly to annoy you.”

Pippin sighed. “I suspect that I shall have to suffer through it where you are concerned then. But not in front of anyone.”

“Agreed,” Merry said.

“Be nice to me and maybe I’ll arm wrestle with you,” Pippin grinned.

“Now, you I can beat,” Merry laughed.

“That was before the Ent Draught,” Pippin reminded him. “It was also before I became a Knight of Gondor. I do think I can take you now.”

“I do hope no one’s paid you to lose to me,” Merry said and he mussed Pippin’s hair again. “You were a hopeless runt before.”

“I was a wee bit small but I was not a runt,” Pippin objected. “You’re just jealous because I’m taller than you now.”

“You are not!” Merry said.

“Yes, I am,” Pippin laughed. “You’re still older, but I’m taller.”

Merry sighed and rolled his eyes as Pippin walked into his bedroom and closed the door. He supposed it would be all right to allow Pippin to think he was taller if it made the Took happy. At least this time, Pippin’s delusion wasn’t costing him anything.

The End

G.W. 08/25/2006





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