This story is all dialogue and features Merry and Pippin.  It was originally posted to my Live Journal so you may have seen it before.  I hadn't planned to put anything else in this group of stories but this one just seems to fit here and so here it is.  The story that follows it has been here a while but it is the perfect ending to the series so I put this one in front of it.  Confusing?  Probably, but that's how I roll.     GW

“What are you doing out here, Pip?  I thought you’d left hours ago.”

“No, I’m still here.  I’m in no real hurry.”

“But didn’t you say that you wanted to try and make a start for Bag End before dark?”

“Did I?  Well, I guess I might have said that but I’ve changed my mind.  Sometimes I do that, Merry.”

“Well, then why didn’t you come back inside and help us finish that lovely apple crumb cake that Fredegar made?”

“Is there more of it left?”

“No, not now.  There was when you came outside, but it’s been gone for at least two hours now.”

“Oh.”

“Which brings me to another point.  Why have you been sitting out here alone for over two hours?”

“Sometimes I enjoy being alone.”

“I’ve never noticed that about you, Cousin.”

“You don’t know everything there is to know about me, Meriadoc.  I would spend a great deal more time alone if I were given the chance.  I can’t help it that I am constantly surrounded by friends and family.  Folks have to be willing to leave you alone before you can spend any time alone and most of the time, like now, someone turns up.  If anyone at all is there other than me, then I can’t properly be alone, can I?”

“You’re certainly snippy this afternoon, aren’t you?”

“I’m not at all snippy.  You’ve just interrupted me while I was enjoying some time alone.  How would you feel if I turned up while you were trying to have some time just for yourself?”

“You usually do.”

“Not always.”

“I’m standing here thinking about it now and I can’t recall a single occasion when you didn’t turn up while I was attempting to spend some time alone.  No, I don’t think I can remember too much before I turned eight.  It’s been too long ago.”

“Aren’t you witty!”

“It comes naturally to me.  We Brandybucks are known for our sparkling conversational skills.”

“I’d never heard that about the Brandybucks.”

“Perhaps you’ve spent too much time alone to have heard it.  Why don‘t you get up off that bench and come back inside with me?  I think you‘ve been alone long enough.”

“I’m fine right here.  It’s a very pleasant afternoon and I’m enjoying myself.  You go on back inside and entertain the others with your sparkling conversational skills.  I wouldn’t want to be the only one privy to them.  That would be unfair to the everyone else.”

“Now, who’s being witty?”

“I’m certain that I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t you think it’s getting a bit chilly out here or is that just the feeling I’m getting from being so near your frosty personality?”

“I’m not the least bit cold.  I think it’s lovely weather.  That is exactly why I decided to sit down out here on this bench.  I wanted a chance to enjoy this fine, fall afternoon.  It won‘t be long until winter arrives and then, we shall all be staying inside close to the hearth.”

“I suppose we will, but if you ask me-”

“Which I didn’t.”

“It seems to be a bit cold.  I’m wearing my jacket and I can still feel the wind now and again.  You’re sitting there with only that waistcoat to keep you warm.  I don’t know how you can be comfortable.”

“If I weren’t comfortable then don’t you think I’d put on a jacket or perhaps come back inside?  I’m comfortable.”

“Well, then you must be sitting on a fire.”

“Go back inside if you’re cold.  I don’t want to keep you from anything and I wouldn’t want you to get ill.  Frodo is expecting you to come to Bag End too.  It would be a shame if you turned up ill and gave him a cold.”

“When I arrive at Bag End I will have to remember to tell Frodo how concerned you were for his health.  He’ll appreciate that.”

“Just go away, Merry.  Leave for Bag End now or go back inside and finish off the raspberry pie, but leave me alone.”

“You were the one that was planning to leave for Bag End this afternoon, not me.  I plan to get a night’s rest and then go early tomorrow.  Freddy has decided to ride along and he won’t be ready until tomorrow.  And, just in case you were thinking of returning to the smial for some of the raspberry pie, I feel it only fair to warn you, I finished that shortly before the apple crumb cake.”

“You ate the rest of the raspberry pie too?  Where do you put it all?”

“I didn’t eat the rest of it, I only ate the last piece.  Freddy helped. He had four pieces unless I lost count in which case, he may have had more.  When it comes to finishing up pastries, there is no better help than Fredegar Bolger.”

“Oh.”

“Pippin?”

“Yes?”

“If you aren’t cold then why do you have your arms wrapped about you so that your fingers are underneath your arms?”

“I’m comfortable this way.  It’s just habit.  I do this all the time.”

“I’ve never noticed it before.  I’ve seen you do it when you were cold but I wouldn’t consider it a habit of yours.  Is shivering a habit of yours as well?”

“I sit like this when I’m alone.  You can’t have noticed it before now because when I’m alone, you aren’t there.  And I am not shivering!”

“Then the bench must be rickety because something is causing you to look as if you are shivering.”

“This bench is not rickety.  In fact, if you’d been out here several hours ago you would know more about this bench than you obviously do.”

“And exactly why might that be?”

“As I was leaving the Bolger’s, I happened upon Old Mr. Boffin and he told me a thing or two about this very bench.  Did you know that he built it?”

“I might have heard that in passing.”

“Well, he did.  He built this fine, sturdy bench only three weeks ago as a gift for the Bolgers.  He was telling me that Mrs. Bolger and Estella had been kind enough to cook for him while his wife was ill.  He built this to thank them for their kindness.”

“That’s very commendable of him.”

“It’s made from solid walnut, Merry.  Every bit of this bench is walnut.  There isn’t a single splinter of any other sort of wood in this bench.”

“Now that I look at it more closely I can tell that it is a very solid bench.  I misjudged it.”

“You did and you stood there and insulted Mr. Boffin’s work, Merry.  It’s very fortunate that he wasn’t here.  I’m certain that he would have been very put out with you.  He worked long and hard on this bench!”

“Perhaps you should pay him to make one for you.  You seem very taken with his work and you certainly seem to be enjoying sitting on the bench.  It must be comfortable as well as sturdy.”

“It’s very comfortable.”

“I might have put it on the other side of the smial though.  You can’t see the garden from here.  You’d have a better view if the bench were facing the garden.  All you can see from here is the road.”

“Not everyone wants to sit in the garden and watch the plants grow.  You can sit here on this fine, walnut bench and wait for company to arrive or watch them as they leave.  If you aren’t particularly fond of your guests then it’s quite enjoyable to watch them leave.  You can’t do that if you're looking at the garden.”

“I might want a bench like this one.  I could sit on it in front of Brandy Hall and watch you, as you leave.”

“Why don’t *you* go away and I than can watch *you* leave?”

“What if I decide to leave by way of the garden?  You can’t see the garden from here.”

“I know what it looks like.  I’ll just sit here and enjoy imagining you making your way through the tea roses and on past the chrysanthemums.  I have an excellent imagination.  Most Tooks do, you know.”

“Probably because they spend so much time alone.  It’s all some of them have for company.  You’re more fortunate than most.  You have the pleasure of my company to keep you occupied.”

“I would prefer to imagine you strolling through the garden and maybe even tripping over a tree root and falling face first into the frog pond.  You know the one I mean, don’t you?”

“I remember it well.  I can’t count the times that I’ve fished you out of that very frog pond.  How many times have you fallen into it?”

“Not that many!”

“Enough so that I considered asking Freddy to fill it in so I wouldn’t have to keep hauling you out of it.”

“The next time I fall into it, I don’t want you to help me in any way.  I am perfectly capable of getting out of that frog pond on my own.  In fact, the only time that I can recall falling into that damn thing is when you’re with me.  The more I think about, the more likely it seems that you may be pushing me or tripping me.  I don’t fall into it when you aren’t here.”

“I’m here now and you haven’t fallen into it.”

“That is because the frog pond is in the garden and we are on the other side of the smial, Meriadoc.  Even if you toss me, I doubt that you could land me in the frog pond from here.”

“I might be able to.  We’ve never tried that.  You’d have to stand up first so I could judge the best angle from which to attempt it.”

“Don’t be daft!  You’d never be able to do that.  It’s too far and I’m too heavy.”

“And I notice that you aren’t making any effort to get up and prove me wrong.”

“I’m certainly not going to stand up and let you have a go at tossing me into the Bolger’s frog pond!  Even if you fell short of the mark, it would still hurt.”

“Not if you landed properly.  You’d have to land on your feet.”

“Don’t be an arse, Meriadoc.”

“I’m not the one sitting on a walnut bench shivering in the cold.  You’re the one being an arse, Pippin.”

“Did you know that Mr. Boffin let this wood sit in his barn for an entire month before he started work on this bench?”

“That’s nearly as long as you’ve been sitting on the bench, Pip.”

“I’ve only been out here a few hours.  Well, maybe four hours or five, but it seems longer now that you’re here.  I think it might only have been three hours.  But it most certainly has not been over a month!”

“Why didn’t Mr. Boffin build the bench the moment that he cut the wood?”

“You have to let the wood age, Meriadoc.  You want it to dry properly.  It’s important if you want your bench to be sturdy and if you want all of the pieces to fit together correctly.  You don’t want gaps between the boards.  Mr. Boffin was very clear on that.  He told me that there was nothing worse than a poorly built bench.  If a bench isn’t properly constructed then folks can wind up sitting on the ground amid a pile of boards.”

“It’s a good thing Mr. Boffin knows so much about construction because if he didn’t, you might be sitting on the ground this very minute.  Aren’t you at all worried that you’ll wear the bench out before the Bolgers get to enjoy it?”

“It won’t wear out if I sit on it!  It’s sturdy and it’s protected against the weather.  He painted it.”

“It’s a lovely shade of blue.  He did a fine job on the paint.  In fact, he might be a better painter than he is a carpenter.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more even coat of paint.”

“Three coats.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Did he select the colour?”

“No, Estella did that.  She wanted it to be blue so it would match the door of the smial since it was going to be sitting so close to the door.”

“It’s a perfect match.  Estella has quite the eye for colour.  I’ve always thought that she had a very nice sense of colour.  This bench goes a long way toward proving my point.”

“Face it, Meriadoc.  You think Estella Bolger is good at everything.  You’re smitten.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“I would.  You’re smitten.  You’re so smitten that it’s disgusting really.  You act like a love-sick fool when she’s around.  It’s part of the reason that I decided to leave early.  I couldn’t sit there in the Bolger’s parlour another second listening to you tell Estella how lovely her eyes are.  They’re just eyes, Merry.  She has two.  One on either side of her nose and from all I can tell there is nothing remarkable about either one of them.  I think the left one is higher than the right but you don’t notice that too much if she tilts her head slightly.”

“Her left eye isn’t higher than the right one!  I think you must have been looking at her with *your* fool head tilted.  She is remarkable in many ways.  You’re just too busy sitting out here on this bench to notice.  You need to spend more time with Estella and get to know her better.  You‘d appreciate her more if you did.”

“You are spending enough time with her for both of us.  You can appreciate her.  I’ll just sit here.”

“And freeze to death.”

“If the wind would stop blowing it wouldn’t be so cold.”

“Why don’t you put on your jacket?  It’s right there on top of your rucksack which happens to be sitting on the grass right in front of your feet.  Lean over, pick up the jacket, and put it on.  You’ll feel better.”

“I might.”

“You might put on the jacket?”

“No, I might feel better if I did.”

“But you aren’t going to, are you?”

“No and it isn’t any of your business, Meriadoc.  I’m old enough to decide when to put on my jacket.”

“Very well.  I’ll change the subject.  We’ll continue to ignore the fact that you’re colder than a bucket of well water in winter.  Did you have any of that splendid beer that Freddy was passing around after luncheon?”

“Yes.”

“He said that he got that beer from the Golden Perch.  I‘d always heard good things about their beer but until today, I don‘t recall ever having been lucky enough to taste it.  I enjoyed it so much that I had four mugs full.  It really goes down smooth.  Did you enjoy it?”

“Yes.”

“The trouble with beer is-”

“Let’s talk about something else, Merry.  Did I tell you that there are three coats of paint on this bench?”

“You did, but I was just discussing that wonderful beer.  I’d love another mug.  I could go in right now and get both of us a mug and we could sit there on that beautiful, blue, bench and have a mug of beer together.  Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“I don’t want a mug of beer.  Why don’t you go in and get one?”

“I don’t like to drink alone, Pip.  I’ll get us both a mug of beer.  I’ll fill them to the brim and we can drink until we empty them.  Unless, of course, you’ve already had your fill.  Personally, beer, even good beer like the beer from the Golden Perch, just runs right through me.  I’ve been to the privy four times in the last four hours.  I don’t know how you’ve managed to just sit there all this time without going to the privy even once.  My eyes would float right out of my head if I tried that.”

“Then let’s talk about something else like-”

“It’s a long way to the privy from here.  If they had put this bench in the garden then if a lad got the need, he could sneak off into the bushes, but out here, well, you can hardly relieve yourself this close to the road.  Someone might pass by.”

“How long have you known?”

“Known what, Pippin?”

“Don’t pretend to be innocent.  I know that you know, so you might just as well say so and be done with it!  How long?”

“I started to suspect it the minute I came out of the smial and saw you sitting here.”

“How?  How could you possibly know that quickly?”

“You weren’t the only one that had a long conversation about that bench, Pip.  Estella is very proud of it.  You hadn’t been gone any time at all until she started regaling me with the entire history of the bench.  Between the information that you’ve given me and my earlier conversation with Estella, I may know more about this bench than Mr. Boffin does and he built it.”

“If you knew, then why didn’t you come out here and tell me?”

“I didn’t know that you had decided to sit out here.  I thought you were on your way to Bag End.  That’s where you said you were going when you left.  You took your rucksack with you and folks don’t normally take a rucksack if they just mean to go outside and sit down.  Usually, if you’ve packed, you’re leaving, not sitting.”

“I was leaving!”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I think you know exactly why I didn’t!”

“What I mean to say-”

“It isn’t funny.  Don’t laugh.”

“I’m trying not to but I’ve been holding it in almost as long as you’ve been holding in that beer from the Golden Perch. ”

“Don’t mention beer again or so help me I will unfasten my trousers and take aim!  I have very good aim and the pressure is built up the point that the impact might knock you all the way to the Brandywine!”

“Impressive.  I just like watching you squirm a bit now and again.”

“Stop laughing.  I can't squirm.  I can't move at the moment.”

“So, how did you get in this fix, cousin?”

“I came out of the smial and I stepped on a sharp stone.”

“There *has* to be more.”

“That was how it happened.  I was fastening my rucksack and making for the barn when all of the sudden I felt this stabbing pain in-”

“That was from the beer.”

“Not *that* stabbing pain!  A stabbing pain in my foot from stepping on a jagged rock.”

“Oh.”

“Quit laughing, Meriadoc or I am not telling this!”

“I’ll try to control myself.”

“Try harder.”

“Very well.  You stepped on a jagged stone, felt a stabbing pain in your foot, and-”

“I took off the rucksack and sat down on this bench to see to my foot.  I was sitting here rubbing my foot and checking to make certain I wasn’t bleeding, when that odd cousin of Freddy and Estella’s came out of the smial and began going on and on and on about how much she thinks I look like some hobbit from Michel Delving.  I have no idea whatsoever who this other hobbit is but she assured me innumerable times that he wasn’t a Took.  She just thinks that I look enough like him to be his twin.”

“Poor fellow.”

“I know.  It was dreadful she-”

“I didn’t mean you.  I meant that poor, ugly, fellow in Michel Delving that looks like a Took but isn‘t one.”

“That’s not funny.”

“I know.  That poor lad.”

“Sod off, Merry.”

“Not until I hear the rest of this story.”

“Fine!  She kept talking, very much like you have, while I was sitting here rubbing my foot and wishing that she would go away.  Much like I’ve been wishing that you would go away.”

“You’re supposed to stand up until the lass is seated.  Why didn’t you stand up or why didn’t she sit down?”

“I’m very glad that she didn’t sit down.  That would have been dreadful.  She’d still be here if she’d sat down.”

“Very much like you’re still here.”

“Thank you for pointing that out to me, Merry.”

“I do what I can to help, but that doesn’t explain why you didn’t stand up when she came out here.”

“She was right behind me when I came out.  She saw me step on the rock.  This is all her fault really because she insisted that I remain seated so as not to hurt my foot.  Don’t laugh!  I have very good manners and I would have stood up as is proper if she hadn‘t insisted that I stay seated.  Oh, do stop laughing!”

“Sorry.  I let my guard down for a second.  I didn’t know that you were planning on blaming this on someone else.  I should have known it, but I just wasn’t thinking clearly.  Must be all of that beer.”

“Stop mentioning that beer!”

“Sorry.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“You’re right, but finish telling me the story anyway.”

“That’s about it, really.  She droned on and on about this lad in Michel Delving and about how wonderful Freddy’s pie was and how very lovely the weather was and how much she hoped that you and Estella would start keeping company with one another, and how hard it was for her to travel now that her Father had sold their pony cart and-”

“There’s more?”

“She prattled on until I thought my ears might bleed, Merry.  She talked complete rubbish while looking as if she thought that every single word that poured from her eternally open mouth was the most important news in all the Shire!”

“It wasn’t all rubbish.”

“You didn’t have to listen to it.  It was all rubbish.”

“That part about Estella and I keeping company sounds rather interesting to me.”

“That’s because you didn’t have to listen to *her* say it.  She has a voice like a squeaky door hinge and she giggles when she talks.  It was so boring I’d have fallen asleep if the sound of her voice hadn’t made my teeth hurt.  As it was, I was awake for the entire thing.  My foot quit hurting and she was still rattling on about what kind of laundry soap works best.”

“I hope you paid attention to that part.  It might be information that you can use later.”

“I’ll keep that in mind when the time comes, if it ever does.”

“So when she left, then you-”

“Then Mr. Boffin came by and told me all about the bench.”

“And you didn’t stand up because?”

“It would have been rude, Merry.  He built this bench.  How would it have looked if I had just got up the minute he came over?  I didn’t want to insult him.  I was very glad to see him which is why I asked him to tell me all about the bench.  You see, Estella’s cousin, Gladiola didn’t leave until Mr. Boffin turned up and started talking about carpentry.  That’s what drove her away.”

“Ah, so Mr. Boffin rescued you from Gladiola.”

“Exactly.”

“Not much of a help in the long run though, was it?”

“No.”

“And when Mr. Boffin left?”

“That’s when the very hobbit I needed turned up.  The only problem was, she turned up too late to be of any help at all.  If she’d have turned up right as I was stepping on the jagged rock, then she could have saved me a miserable afternoon, but as it was, by the time she passed by,  it was already too late.”

“Who was this hobbit that could have saved you a miserable afternoon?”

“Little Ivy Bolger, Freddy and Estella’s third cousin twice removed.”

“Oh, yes.  The cute little lass, about six or so, and always has on a hat covered in big, ugly flowers.”

“The very one.”

“Estella says that they can’t get her to take off the hat unless she’s going to bed and then they have to insist upon it.  Estella says that-”

“Merry, I’d really like to finish telling you this dreadful story.  I don’t care what Estella says about anything.”

“I’ve noticed that.”

“Then you won’t mind if we don’t discuss her words of wisdom just now?”

“I suppose not, although, you might have benefited from the information that she gave me after you’d left today.  If you’d been there and heard what she’d said, you wouldn’t be here now.”

“And if wheels were square carts wouldn’t roll.”

“Very well.  Go on.”

“As I was saying, Ivy Bolger passed by on her way down the road and she waved at me.  Naturally I waved back.  Then she calls out to me and she says, ‘I like the bench.  The colour is pretty.’  So I agreed with her.  Then she says, ‘I saw Mr. Boffin painting it.  Paint sure dries fast, doesn’t it?’  Don’t laugh, Merry!  They could have put up a sign or something.  They should have let folks know about the wet paint.”

“Is it dry now, Pip or should I have them make a sign?”

“It‘s dry.”

“Completely?”

“Completely.”

“Are you certain?”

“I should know if it’s dry or not.  I’m the one that’s been stuck to this bench in the cold all afternoon!  If it weren’t dry, I’d have got up and come inside hours ago.  Instead I‘ve had to sit here looking at my jacket but not being able to get up and get it.  I can't reach it from my current position.  Trust me.  The paint is as dry as paint ever gets.”

“Why didn’t you call for help?  We were just inside.  We’d have heard you eventually.”

“Because I didn’t fancy the idea of all of my Budgeford relatives coming out here to laugh at me for getting myself painted to this bench in front of their smial that‘s why, Merry!”

“I suspect that you’re going to have to take off your trousers in order to get free.”

“I know that!  I figured it out the minute I realized that I was painted to the bench!  Why do you think I’ve been sitting here all afternoon? Just stop laughing, will you?”

“You might as well go ahead and get it over with while I‘m the only one out here laughing.”

“No.  I’m waiting.”

“For what?”

“The cover of darkness.”

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea considering the beer and all.”

“I might have managed it, if you hadn’t come out here and tormented me with talk of beer.  I was doing fairly well.”

“Judging by the way you've been fidgeting, I’m guessing that’s changed.  You might want to rethink your plan of waiting until dark.  Don’t worry.  If you‘re quick, I doubt anyone will see you.”

“Then you’re blind as well as annoying.”

“Oh?”

“I have my back to the parlour window but I can feel several folks looking at us even now.  They’ve been there long enough to wonder what we’re talking about.  I can always tell when someone is staring at me and they are staring, Merry.  I doubt any of them will be moving away from the window any time soon.  And Unless I’ve stared to see things that aren't there, several of Estella’s cousins, including the boring Gladiola, are standing over by the road watching us.”

“Well, either you show them your small clothes now or you attempt to wait until dark.  I’ll stand in front of you and block the view of the folks by the road but I’m guessing that the folks in the window are going to have a pretty good gander at your bum.  I wonder if it looks the same as that hobbit lad’s?  You know, the one from Michel Delving?”

“Very funny.  Just turn around and try to block me as best you can.  I’m unfastening my trousers now and I plan to do this as quickly as possible.”

“Don’t you want me to get a pair of your trousers out of your rucksack first so you’ll have something to put on, once you remove those?”

“I don’t plan to put on my trousers once I get these off.”

“You don’t?”

“I plan to make a full out run for the bushes in the garden the second I’m free from this bench and rid myself of the best beer in the East Farthing as fast as I can.”

“Watch out for the frog pond.”

“Just make certain that you’re out of my way.  I can’t be held accountable if I don’t make it to the bushes.”

“If you don’t make it to the bushes, you can be certain that I will not only hold you accountable, I will make you sorry.”

“I’m already sorry.”

“Are you almost out of those trousers?”

“Out of my way, Merry!”

“Oi!  You’ve stepped on my hand!  Your foot seems to be fine judging for the speed with which you’re running but I think you’ve broken two of my fingers.  And Pippin?  The paint must have bled right through your trousers because your small clothes are a lovely shade of blue!”

“Quit admiring my bum and go in the smial!  And quit laughing!  And tell everyone else to quit laughing!  I can hear all of you!  I‘ll be here a while.  I had six mugs of beer and two cups of tea.  Toss my rucksack over closer to the garden so I can find some trousers before I come back inside, *if* I come back inside.”

“For someone that just sprinted across the garden in his small clothes in full sunlight you certainly are bossy!  Pip?  Pip?  I heard a splash.  Did you fall into that frog pond again?”

“No, you’ve heard something else this time.  That was the sound of relief!”

“And, having learned more than I need to know, I’ll go into the smial now and try to explain to the Bolgers why you’re out here killing all of the flowers in their garden. Or perhaps I will try to explain to them why your trousers are stuck fast to their new bench.  Come to think of it, Pip, your trousers look better on the bench than they do on you.  My, but this has been entertaining.  You'll have to do it again sometime, Pippin.”

*********************

The End

GW      07-23-2009