91: Running With the Wolves

Vanyamar seemed terribly quiet and dull with Ingwion gone. The excitement of the trial was over and the Noldorin fosterlings were busy with their studies. With Ingwion away, and Vorondil no longer there, Ingwë asked Valandur to be Glorfindel’s tutor.

"Valandur is looking forward to mentoring you, Glorfindel," Ingwë informed him when they returned to the city. "He will teach you much and perhaps you will teach him something along the way as well."

Glorfindel merely nodded, and that in itself was telling as far as Ingwë was concerned. Valandur, when he met with the Reborn ellon, gave him a penetrating look, which Glorfindel returned with equanimity.

"I was rather impressed by your conduct during the trial," Valandur said when he and Glorfindel met in the loremaster’s study. "Your testimony was something of an eye-opener."

Glorfindel’s only comment was a raised eyebrow. Valandur frowned. "What is it, Glorfindel? Since returning to Vanyamar you’ve been very... subdued."

Glorfindel sighed as he stood, going over to an embrasure to look out into the garden, now beginning to fade somewhat with winter, though still beautiful to look upon. "I have no real purpose."

"What do you mean, son?" Valandur asked quietly, suddenly noticing Glorfindel nervously fingering his ring and wondering at its significance.

Still looking out onto the garden, Glorfindel attempted to explain. "I only came to Vanyamar because Atar... the Noldóran ordered me to come. Now... now I know why, and it wasn’t to be a court fosterling."

"Why, then?"

Glorfindel turned to look at the older elf, his expression blank with emotional pain. "I was the bait, did you know that? That’s all I am to them... bait." His voice started to rise as suppressed anger began to come to the fore. "Finrod and Sador get to go on the Hunt. I get to spend my time in a cave as Manwë’s prisoner, after being beaten half to death for my troubles."

He turned back to the garden. Valandur remained perfectly still, not wishing to interrupt. Glorfindel would never know that Ingwë wasn’t the only person who had asked Valandur to keep an eye on him. His first report to Lord Námo would include this particular conversation.

"Although, come to think about it," Glorfindel continued, "I shouldn’t be surprised. They’ve treated me with contempt all along, refusing to answer my questions concerning my king. They won’t even let me go up to Taniquetil. No doubt they don’t want me to sully their precious abode with my Reborn presence, seeing as how I’m nothing but a rebel Noldo. I’m surprised Manwë didn’t just leave me in that damn cave!"

He pounded the stone wall with a fist. Valandur never stirred, watching with fascinated horror as the younger ellon spewed forth his anger. It was telling that twice Glorfindel had refused to give the Elder King a proper title.

Glorfindel sat on the edge of the embrasure staring at his feet. "They beat me," he said without emotion and the starkness of his words pierced Valandur’s heart. "Even after I lost consciousness, they continued to beat me... and Tulkas just stood there and let them!" He laid his head on his knees and began weeping silently.

Now Valandur understood. Glorfindel had been violated. He was at a loss to know what to do about it, though, and briefly wondered if he shouldn’t send for Findaráto. The loremaster suspected that the once King of Nargothrond would have had an acquaintance with such matters. This, frankly, was beyond his own experience. He half hoped that one of the Valar would show up with a solution, but realized that was ridiculous. The Eldar couldn’t go around expecting the Valar to solve all their problems for them. He sighed and went over to sit beside the still weeping ellon and put an arm around Glorfindel’s shoulders.

"So let me get this straight," he said, trying to evince a nonchalant air. "You’re upset because your brothers got to play while you were stuck indoors."

The statement was so utterly outrageous that Glorfindel was shocked out of his self-pity. He stood up and stared at Valandur in dismay. The older ellon merely sat there with an expectant look, waiting for an answer.

It was not long in coming. Glorfindel uttered an oath in Sindarin that was particularly vicious. Then, he stormed out of the room. For a long moment Valandur sat there, then sighed. "I thought it was a reasonable question," he said to no one in particular.

"Did you, indeed?"

The Vanya looked up to see Lord Námo standing there with an amused expression on his face. The Lord of Mandos crooked his finger and Valandur slowly rose to give his obeisance, wondering if he was about to receive one of Lord Námo’s famous lectures.

****

Glorfindel stalked blindly through the palace, the need to keep moving driving him. All he could think about was that he’d been beaten even after he’d lost consciousness. That knowledge alone sickened him and then, suddenly, he was physically retching, the enormity of what had been done to him finally impinging upon his hröa’s consciousness. He hung weakly to a doorjamb as wave after wave of nausea and disgust filled him and so lost in misery was he that he never felt the cool hands supporting him through the ordeal.

Finally, he came to himself and found a goblet of water being thrust into his face. "Drink this." It was a command he could not ignore. He drank and the last sense of queasiness left him. He looked up to see who was there.

She was dressed in yellows. Her sleeveless overgown of light wool was dyed a bright yellow with sprigs of green embroidered on it. The front was split to just below her breasts so that the undergown of heavy muslin showed through. This was a deep buttercup yellow. The sleeves of the undergown were tight to the wrist with fine embroidery in shades of gold. Her dark hair was wreathed with roses in shades ranging from sun yellow to peach. Her feet were bare and she wore no jewelry.

She was smiling as she helped him stand. "Hello, Glorfindel. I am Nessa, Lord Tulkas’ lady."

Glorfindel dropped the goblet he was holding and started backing away, shaking his head and looking angry. "No! No! Just leave me alone, all of you!" he wailed and then turned away to escape from the Valië’s presence but he was stopped when he ran into someone. He started screaming then, shouting out curses in Sindarin as he struggled in the person’s embrace, but he could not escape. After awhile he collapsed, exhaustion taking him. Still the arms held him and other hands caressed his hair and a voice murmured softly, though he could not hear what was being said. A wave of fatigue swept through him and he slept for a time.

When he woke again he was still in someone’s embrace but no longer standing. They were seated sideways on a bench with Glorfindel being supported from behind. He looked about and saw that they were in a garden that was unfamiliar to him. He glanced backwards and found Lord Tulkas sitting there smiling at him. Then, Lady Nessa was there, kneeling beside them on the lawn.

"Feeling better, beloved?" She asked, her voice soft and sweet, reminding Glorfindel of the lightest of bells ringing in the Mindon Nyellion in Valmar.

He wasn’t sure how to answer that question, so he elected not to answer at all. Instead, he sighed and closed his eyes, allowing himself to sink further into Tulkas’ embrace. He had a sense that neither Vala was about to let him just walk away, and so he waited for them to take the next step.

He felt Nessa stand up. "What you need is a good run." She sounded more business-like and Glorfindel opened his eyes in confusion. She was holding out her hand and Tulkas was pushing him forward, releasing him from his embrace.

"Excellent idea, my love," the Vala boomed, laughing at Glorfindel’s bemused look. "Let us go for a run with our elfling."

With that Nessa grabbed Glorfindel’s arm and pulled him up. Tulkas was there beside him. The next thing he knew they were no longer in the garden but standing in a field with trees in the distance where a dark forest stood. Glorfindel had no time to voice any complaints. Tulkas grabbed one arm and Nessa continued holding the other and they began running.

He tried to protest, but to no avail. Tulkas did not laugh, but had a grim look on his face. Nessa smiled at him sweetly but her eyes were aglow with a light that was more appropriately seen in a fell warrior about to go into battle. Glorfindel felt suddenly afraid. A dangerous sense of wildness took him and he feared to lose himself in it. Even as they continued running, heedless of their path, Glorfindel felt himself slipping further away. When a herd of red deer suddenly appeared, surrounding them as they ran through a forest of old oak and birch, Glorfindel finally gave a great cry and then his mind blanked out. He became one with the deer. He sensed the forest through them, the smells and sounds, so different from what he was used to. No longer did he run in near darkness, Anar having long set. Instead, it was bright with starlight. He reveled in the swiftness of the deer, the bunching of muscles, the smooth, effortless gait, the taste of leaves on his throat as one of the herd stopped to graze.

Somewhere along the way he lost his clothing and the touch of the night wind upon his skin was like a balm to his soul, caressing and cleansing him of all the sorrows and shame he had felt earlier. He suddenly raised his arms to the sky, threw back his head, and laughed gaily and long.

And still he ran.

How long it lasted he never really knew, though hours had passed since waking in the garden in Tulkas’ arms. At one point he found himself gazing intently at his reflection in a pool where the deer had stopped to drink. Stars were reflected in the calm dark waters, seemingly making a wreath around his head like a crown. Nessa and Tulkas had long disappeared and he did not know where they might have gone, caring not that they had apparently abandoned him.

Then, the deer were gone. Glorfindel looked up in confusion to find himself surrounded by a pack of silver-grey wolves, the largest of which stood nearly to his chest at the shoulder. The elf sat there, afraid to move, trying not to look any of the creatures in the eye, knowing it would be seen as a challenge. The wolves moved about him, coming to the water’s edge to drink. He could feel their hot breath and the softness of their fur as they passed him. He remained completely still. Then, he felt, rather than saw, the pack leader lope over to him and calmly licked his face.

Some hours later Glorfindel found himself huddled against the flank of one of the sleeping wolves, having run with them for a time. It was nearly dawn now and he was exhausted. He lay with his head against the alpha-female with her four pups sleeping contentedly against him, providing him with warmth. He lay there gently stroking a hand over one of the pup’s brindled fur, waiting for sleep to take him. He was not sure what was happening to him, but he was no longer concerned.

He was at peace again, perhaps for the first time in a long while. He did not want it to end, though deep inside he knew it would not, could not, last. As the first hints of dawn blushed the eastern sky with rosy fingers, Nessa was there before him, holding out her hand. Wordlessly, he held his own hand out and allowed the Valië to lift him to his feet. She was smiling as she held his head between her hands and kissed his brow.

"Did you have a good run, beloved?" She asked softly.

He nodded, feeling suddenly shy. Nessa led him away from the sleeping wolves and they walked for a time in silence, enjoying the dawn. Eventually, they came to another clearing where there was a pool. Tulkas was waiting for them. Glorfindel hesitated on seeing the Vala and even started to turn away, but Nessa held him in place with a glance and Tulkas came and wrapped his brawny arms around the elf, rubbing his back to comfort him.

"You are a very angry elfling, Little One," the Vala said. "Time to put the anger aside."

He began to rub harder and then to knead his strong fingers into the elf’s muscles. Glorfindel gave an involuntary gasp and collapsed to the ground as Tulkas continued to massage him. He was nearly unconscious with relief as tension he never knew existed within him began to melt away. Nessa, meanwhile, knelt beside him, gently stroking his hair, murmuring softly though Glorfindel did not know what she said, even as Tulkas continued his ministrations. He felt the Vala’s healing power massage away the sense of shame from the beating that was held in his hröa’s memory so that he was left with only a feeling of well-being that sank into the depths of his fëa, cleansing and restoring his sense of wholeness of self.

Eventually, Tulkas stopped and Glorfindel felt someone place a light blanket over his nakedness and he fell asleep to the sound of the two Valar singing softly an ancient lullaby.

****

He woke around noon, feeling refreshed. He raised himself up to find that he was alone. Near the pool he saw a pile of clean clothes and all the paraphernalia necessary to effect a decent bath. Glorfindel wasted no time in taking advantage of this. To his delight, the water was surprisingly warm and he assumed the pool must be fed by hot springs. He did not linger in his bath but was quickly dressed in a simple tunic of worsted wool dyed brown and breeches of heavy unbleached muslin. His feet remained bare.

Once dressed he looked around and noticed a path leading away from the pool through a copse of elm trees. A tantalizing smell wafted through the air and Glorfindel followed it down the path to another glade where a table was set in its midst. Tulkas and Nessa were seated at the table waiting for him.

"Come and break your fast, Little One," Tulkas said with an inviting wave and Glorfindel complied, giving the Valar a respectful bow in greeting before taking a seat. Without speaking, the elf began eating the repast and the two Valar sat in patient silence waiting for him to finish.

As Glorfindel sat back, sipping on a cup of rose-hip tea, Tulkas started speaking. "I trust your little run yesterday was to your liking, Little One?"

Glorfindel nodded and blushed. "Though I don’t have very clear memories of it, especially with the wolves."

"Just as well, beloved," Nessa said with a small smile. "Such memories can be dangerous, but I think you will be able to accept them in due time. If so, the deeper memories will emerge. For now, be content with what memories you have."

"You are feeling very put upon, aren’t you?" Tulkas asked shrewdly. "You think we are merely using you, that in our eyes you are of no more use than to be bait for those unworthy to be called elves."

Glorfindel scowled. "Something like that."

Then Tulkas started laughing, his golden locks shimmering in the afternoon light. "And you would be correct, Little One."

Glorfindel slammed his teacup down and stood up, the scowl on his face deepening as he started to move away. Tulkas called out to him, no longer laughing.

"Come back here, elfling, unless you want to go on another run." It was not a threat.

Glorfindel shivered with something that was more delight than fear and turned back, the light of anticipation on his face. "Yes, please," he said hoarsely. "C-could I run with the... the wolves, again?"

The two Valar exchanged surprised looks and then Nessa was wrapping her arms around the ellon, cradling his head against her breasts, stroking his hair to calm him. "It’s too soon, beloved," she whispered, "and too dangerous. Come and sit with us. Shh. No tears, beloved." She wiped the tears that had begun to trickle down his cheeks with her hand and kissed the top of his head. "Such an elfling you are," she said with a light laugh.

"Yes, indeed," Tulkas said with his own booming laugh as he stood and joined them. He took Glorfindel out of his wife’s embrace and gave him a hug that left the elf gasping for air, but before he could properly catch his breath he found himself being flung up into the air and caught again as if he were indeed an elfling. Tulkas laughed even harder at Glorfindel’s shocked shriek and refused to listen to his protests, but threw him up into the air again.

The Vala did this several times until Glorfindel was too breathless to offer any more resistance and then he stopped, planting the ellon’s feet on the ground. He did not allow Glorfindel time to collect himself, however, but began tickling him with ruthless abandon, laughing as the elf began shrieking once again, but this time with mirth. Glorfindel writhed on the ground begging Tulkas to stop but the Vala only laughed louder and his questing fingers always found the most sensitive spots on Glorfindel’s body, especially just under his arms.

When he thought he must pass out from the exquisitely delightful torture, Tulkas stopped and began rubbing Glorfindel’s upper chest. "Take deep breaths now, Little One," he said with a smile on his face. Glorfindel complied, slowly feeling the dizzy darkness receding from the edges of his consciousness, moaning slightly at the protesting chest muscles as he tried to draw in enough air. Eventually his breathing slowed and he became still, slipping in and out of consciousness as the warmth of the afternoon sun crept into his bones and he relaxed completely.

He might have fallen asleep at one point though it could not have been for very long, as the sun had not moved very far. He came to with something tickling him and, focusing his eyes, found Nessa sitting on his right, dandling a flower in front of his face. It reminded Glorfndel of an elanor, except this flower was reddish in color. Tulkas sat on the other side of him, an amused expression on his face.

"Ah, our elfling wakens once again," he said, then his demeanor became more sober and his tone was one of great authority. "Now listen to me carefully, Glorfindel. You played a necessary role in recent events, but it is not the only role you will play in your life. Bait you were, but that is no dishonorable thing. You have always been bait, you always will be."

Glorfindel stared up at the Vala with an expression of disbelief, but Tulkas only nodded, looking strangely grim.

"Think about it," he continued. "You made yourself bait when you attacked the Balrog so others could escape to safety. This was no different, except that here you became bait to flush out the evil that had woven its web within the very fabric of your society." The Vala paused and gave Glorfindel a penetrating look. "I suspect that in the future you will allow yourself to be bait again, drawing evil to you, to flush it out, so as to protect the innocent. It is, after all, what it means to be a warrior, does it not — to draw evil to oneself so as to protect the innocent who are unable or unwilling to protect themselves?"

Nessa spoke then. "You think we treat you with contempt, but that is not true, beloved. We have the utmost respect for you, more than you can ever know. Few would we trust to play such a dangerous role as you have played recently." Here she paused and gave him a smile that smote him with its simple beauty and he almost wept again but just managed to stop himself. "And do not think that Lord Manwë would bother to spend endless days listening to you whining if he did not love you as much as he does."

"I never whine," Glorfindel said with slight affront and the two Valar started laughing.

Tulkas stood up and Nessa with him. Then the Vala reached down and offered Glorfindel a hand up which the elf accepted. The two Valar each gave him a kiss. Nessa pointed to a path that wended its way through another part of the woods. "There is your road back to Vanyamar. Remember what we’ve said, beloved."

Glorfindel found himself alone. Even the table and chairs were gone. With a sigh he went along the path and soon found himself back in the gardens of the High King and there, waiting for him with an air of amusement about them, were Valandur and Lord Námo.