Let it go

Boromir?

I can’t look at him. I can’t look in those grey eyes, so like Faramir’s. By the Valar, how can I have come to such a place? What have I done to deserve this anguish?

My stomach roils. I turn from the man, my king, and enter the forest. He does not follow, for which I am grateful. I still reel from the force of the whispers. Whispers that beat into my brain until I cannot breathe. If I could only scream, perhaps then I would have some respite.

The forest quiets me, like my mother’s garden in Dol Amroth. Inevitably, I think of Faramir. My throat clenches. I am bound to him, as to no other. Some think he is bound to me. Fools. He holds my heart. He lifts me up.

Let it go. When Mother died, I wept behind Father’s back. Faramir held me, comforted me, gave me a reason to live.  He needed me. At least, that’s what I thought. I soon discovered I needed him. I was like the pup at its master’s feet. I craved his touch, his love, his friendship. He gave it – without question, without qualification, without reservation.

Let it go. My first battle. I failed. I fought, by the Valar I fought, but it was for naught. My friends died around me. I cannot, to this day, say why I survived and they did not. Faramir didn’t care. Yes, of course he cared, but he showed me that I had done all I could. He walked through the battle with me. Over and over, he defended my choices. He took each dark part of my battered heart and opened it to the light. At last, after many hours of tender care, Faramir made me realize, my friends’ deaths could not be laid at my feet.

Let it go. The bridge. That cursed bridge where I almost lost him. Lost so many others that night, but not him. Oh! My heart still aches at the remembrance. I screamed his name, over and over ‘til my breath was ragged and my throat constricted to but a whisper. In the end, I found him, lying in the mud, face down. It took every ounce of strength I ever had to lift him, knowing he was dead, knowing I’d lost the most important being in my life. Ah! The joy, the searing joy of seeing his eyes open, love-filled, as tears spilled. “I knew you’d find me.”

Let it go. The whispers. Aragorn cannot understand. The voice assails me, even in my sleep. I want to let it go. Oh, Faramir. Would that you were here. Would that you could lend me your strength.

Strength and purpose and fortitude. All traits my father swore I had in abundance. Fool It is Faramir who owns those qualities. I have nothing now. Nothing but death, in this ghostly glade.

Let it go. Not by my choice. The voice has left me. I am no longer needed. The air slips from my lips. My king kneels by my side. I wish it were Faramir.

Let it go, Aragorn says. My eyes widen. Faramir will be safe. My king will take my place. I can let it go. I can let Faramir go.