18: Entangled Fëar

Oromë sighed, looking distraught. "This is very bad, isn’t it?" he asked the Fëanturi as he watched Námo and Irmo at their work.

"To say the least," Irmo muttered.

"See if you can find the link between them," Námo instructed his brother. "There should be a cord of light similar to what we see between two bonded spouses among the Eldar, but it won’t be as strong or as bright."

"Here," Irmo said, pointing to a juncture between the two fëar. "This must be it. See how the light fluctuates, first golden-silver, that must be Findaráto, and then silver-green."

"Beleg," Oromë stated and the others nodded.

"It’s getting stronger," Námo commented dispassionately, though both Oromë and Irmo knew just how upset the Lord of Mandos truly was at this turn of events. "We need to break the bond without destroying their minds."

"Break or ease?" Irmo asked.

Námo gave them both a grim look, shaking his head. "Break. If we don’t it will be as if they were bonded in truth."

The other two Valar stared at the supine bodies of the two ellyn lying in separate beds in disbelief. "Atar help us," Oromë whispered.

****

The last thing Finrod clearly remembered was being pushed through a door that could not possibly exist. Even as he fell through he heard a terrible scream and recognized it as coming from Beleg. Instinctively he ‘turned’ and reached out to offer the ellon comfort, quite forgetting Námo's admonishment not to let go of either Glorfindel or the pendant. Somehow the two of them tumbled through the door together, arms and legs entangled as they fell. Beleg was beyond terrified, clinging to Finrod with almost mindless fear, unwilling to let go and Finrod accepted his friend’s need, giving him whatever comfort the other ellon would have from him.

There was only one problem with that, as far as Finrod could see. Somehow, he could not only sense Beleg’s fear but his very thoughts and memories and it was difficult at times to separate Beleg’s mind from his. There was an intimacy between them that neither was willing to explore and the harder they tried to extricate themselves from each other’s minds the more entangled they became until even Beleg began to notice through his fear what was happening. That set him off in a panic once again and now the meshing of their fëar became even more pronounced until the terrible beauty of their exchange of thought and memories was too much for either of them and they both collapsed into weeping, each attempting to flee from the other, neither of them succeeding.

"Well, this is a fine mess you both have found yourselves in, isn’t it?"

They both looked up to see the most unlikely person standing there looking at them with an amused and, at the same time, exasperated expression on her fair face. Her hair was a dark brown with red highlights; her eyes were blue-green. She wore a gown of varying shades from fire red to burnt orange to sun yellow. She seemed to be like unto the Valar, but not quite and neither ellon could ever afterwards say why. Still, there was something about her that exuded love and comfort on a level that surpassed even Lord Námo when he acted in his role as Consoler rather than as Judge.

In spite of their surprise, neither ellon could stop weeping and they both looked upon the stranger with expressions close to despair. The Person sighed, shaking her head. "Hush now, my children," she said gently, giving them a smile that near broke their hearts. "All will be well, but in order to break this bond between you, you must both remember who and what you are."

"But I cannot remember!" wailed Beleg. "I try but nothing comes. Who am I, lady?"

"You are Beleg Cúthalion, once a Marchwarden of Doriath, and kin to both Elu Thingol and his brother, Olwë of Alqualondë," the Person said, "but those are only names and titles. They are not the kind of identity of which I speak, for names can be deceiving. No, my children, you must look deeper than your names, you must look into the very core of your beings to learn your true identities. Only then will you be able to untangle yourselves."

"But how?" Finrod asked. "Where do we even start?"

The Being placed a finger lightly upon Finrod’s brow. The ellon gave a gasp and then fell silent, seeing nothing around him, concentrating on what was being shown within him. It was as if a stair had appeared, spiraling downward into the darkness of his Self. Slowly he descended, noticing vaguely how the golden-silver light of his own being seemed overlaid with a greenish cast that he knew had to be Beleg still clinging to him. The further down he went though, the more his light of being took on a different hue, purer and more primal, as if he were seeing ‘gold’ and ‘silver’ for the first time. He vaguely heard Beleg wail in despair or shock but he no longer felt a need to offer aid or comfort. It was a distant thing having nothing to do with him. Deeper he went, spiraling into the darkness of his soul until at last he reached bottom and stood before a mirror. Staring at his reflection he realized something for the first time, again.

"I am myself," he said out loud. "I am myself and no other." And it was true. At the very core of his being he saw only himself: unique and alone. He was not someone’s son, brother or lover; neither was he anyone’s king, liege lord or master. He was just...

"Findaráto," he named himself. "I am Findaráto, now and forever." Gazing into the mirror he saw the last vestige of Beleg’s light fade from his own, leaving only a scintillating golden-silver luminance.

"And you are also my best beloved."

Finrod turned from the mirror to see the same Being standing next to him, smiling at him with great gentleness. "Who are you, lady?" he asked.

"I suppose you could call me Erulissë," she answered with an eloquent shrug. "It’s as good a name as any, though did I not warn you that names can be deceiving?"

"But I just named myself," Finrod rejoined with some confusion.

"Yes, you did the naming, not I, not your family, not your friends, not other people. You and you alone named yourself."

"Why couldn’t Beleg and I free ourselves from... from...." He swallowed nervously, not wishing to dwell on the feelings threatening to overwhelm him.

"Because you both forgot who you are. You both forgot your uniqueness and aloneness in your need to comfort and Beleg’s need for comfort. You both opened yourselves to the other to a greater degree than is wise even between espoused couples. You were each losing your unique identities. The harder you tried to pull away from each other, the more entangled your beings became until you could not say where Findaráto left off and Beleg began. Is that not true, child?"

Finrod nodded. "It... it was... terrifying," he whispered.

"And so it should be," Erulissë stated firmly, though her voice was warm with love. "Such a degree of intimacy between two created beings can only bring great harm to them both. You were not meant to experience such intimacy save with your Creator."

"What happens now?" Finrod asked. "What about Beleg?"

Erulissë smiled. "I’m giving Beleg the same lecture that you are getting even now," she said with a sly wink and Finrod could not help but laugh. "Climb back up the stairs, child. You have regained your true self, see that you do not lose it again."

Finrod gave Erulissë his obeisance and began climbing back out of the darkness into the light of consciousness until he found himself opening his eyes and saw three Valar staring down at him with unreadable expressions.

"Hello," he said weakly. "Am I home?"

****

Irmo and Námo were attempting to extricate the two fëar from each other without causing any more damage than there already was, for it seemed each time they attempted even the smallest amount of severing the two ellyn’s hröar spasmed and they would scream. The Valar were forced to stop until both ellyn were once more calm, and were about to try again for the fourth time when Námo stopped cold, his expression one of surprise and even awe. "What’s happening?" he demanded.

The other two Valar stared at where Námo was pointing and then all three stepped back at the same time and watched in awed fascination as the link between the two fëar began to unravel itself, one strand at a time.

"Well, it’s obvious what’s happening," Irmo stated wryly. "The question remains: how are they doing it?"

Even as he asked the question they all felt a soft caress upon their cheeks and a light kiss upon their brows and they suddenly knew. Standing in awed silence, they watched the Master Artisan at Her work, effortlessly untangling the fëar with negligent ease and with no discomfort for the Children. Finally, the last link between the two ellyn was severed and then Finrod opened his eyes, staring up at them.

"Hello. Am I home?"

Before any of them could answer, Beleg opened his eyes as well, slowly moving his head to take in his surroundings, then he sighed, and without saying a word, closed his eyes and curled up into a ball, falling into a contented sleep, a small smile on his face.

Námo was the first to recover. He knelt beside Finrod’s bed and smiled gently at the ellon still waiting patiently for an answer to his question. "Indeed you are, child. Indeed you are and so is Glorfindel. Welcome home, best beloved." He leaned over and gave the prince of Eldamar a kiss on his brow, before standing again.

Finrod smiled. "Good," he whispered, as his eyes closed and soon he was fast asleep.

"Indeed," Námo said and the other two Valar nodded.

"I’ll let the others know," Oromë said and, without waiting for a reply from his brethren, he thought himself away while Irmo and Námo remained watching over their charges.

****

Note: Tolkien gives us two words for "Grace": Eruanna, literally, ‘God’s gift’ and Erulissë, literally, ‘God’s sweetness’.