39: Glorfindel Alone

When Vorondil woke the next morning to learn that he was leaving Lady Nienna’s that very day, he wasn’t sure how to react and blurted out the first thing that came to mind:

"But I don’t want to leave. I like it here!" Then he ran out of the dining room, heedless of Aldundil calling his name. He ran without thinking of a destination and it was only when he ran into an immoveable object that he even look about to see where he was. He found himself face-to-face with Marilliën, or rather his face to her bosom, for the Maia cook was somewhat taller than he.

"Whatever is wrong, child?" she enquired good-naturedly when he tried to apologize. "Now dry those tears and come sit with me and tell me all about it." She led him to a trestle and sat him down, calling to one of the other Maiar to bring him some breakfast. Vorondil wasn’t hungry anymore but with a little cajoling on Marilliën’s part he nibbled on a sticky bun while he told her of Lady Nienna’s decision.

"And you don’t want to leave, do you?" the Maia said at the end of his narrative.

Vorondil shook his head, looking dejected. "Master doesn’t want me," he said quietly.

Marilliën clucked in dismay and gathered the youngster into her embrace, giving him a hug. "Of course he wants you, child, and he’ll be quite happy to see you. He only sent you away so you could be with your atar for a while. You and he needed to be alone for a time, just the two of you. Now, it’s time for you both to return to your lives, you to continue with your apprenticeship and your atar to pick up the pieces of his own life without your ammë."

Vorondil still looked skeptical but did not offer any counterarguments. Marilliën just smiled fondly at him, encouraging him to finish his breakfast before going to pack.

****

Thus, it was midmorning when Glorfindel stood outside Lady Nienna’s house to see his friends off.

"We’ll give your regards to everyone when we see them," Sador said as he mounted his horse. "Any messages?"

Glorfindel shook is head. "No. Tell everyone I’m fine and I look forward to seeing them again soon."

The ellyn moved off with much waving on Vorondil’s part and soon they were lost to sight around a bend in the road. Glorfindel just stood there staring after them until Lady Nienna gestured to Tiutalion. "Show Glorfindel the cottage, will you? I’m sure he wants to settle in right away. Remember, dear, dinner is an hour after sunset."

Glorfindel nodded as he allowed the Maia to lead him north along the headland until they came to a place where the cliffs were lower. There, nestled in a small dell was a stone cottage with a wrap-around porch. Inside, Glorfindel saw that it consisted of two main rooms, plus a bathing room and privy. The smaller of the rooms was a bedroom while the larger was a combination kitchen and sitting room. It was, actually, quite cozy looking and Glorfindel felt himself relaxing almost at once.

"Your things have been brought over from the main house," Tiutalion said, "but I’ll leave it to you to unpack. Everything you need is here but if you lack for anything, just let me know." He pointed out the door which faced west. "There’s a path down to the beach along that bluff and behind us is another path that leads to a small copse where you can wander if you wish."

Glorfindel just nodded, not really paying much attention, already beginning to regret his decision. Tiutalion gave him a knowing smile. "It’s going to be all right, you know. I think you need the time away more than you realize. I will leave you now."

With that the Maia bowed and left the ellon standing in the middle of the main room staring at nothing in particular for the longest time. Finally, though, Glorfindel shook himself and went to the bedroom to begin unpacking (five minutes), afterwards he checked the bathing room (one minute) and the kitchen (ten minutes, but only because he couldn’t find the tinder to start the fire in the stove and finally resorted to grabbing his own). Then he checked all the cupboards in the rest of the cottage (three minutes) and the small bookcase in the sitting room (half an hour as he pulled out one or two books to browse through, though none of them held his attention for long), finally ending up on the porch staring out at the ocean. He had been left alone for approximately one hour and the whole rest of the day stretched before him into eternity.

"I’m going to go insane first," he muttered to himself as he plopped down on a bench beside the door with a sigh and wondered if he could just sneak away. "Nonsense!" he muttered aloud, thoroughly disgusted with himself. "You’ve been left alone for an hour and you’re acting like Vorondil at his worst. Get a hold of yourself, Glorfindel. It’s just for one lousy week. It’s not the first time you’ve ever been alone."

Which was true enough though he was hard-pressed to remember just when that was.

He pulled himself out of his seat and stomped down the path towards the beach, figuring that a walk along the shore would do him a world of good. Only, when he reached the beach his enthusiasm waned and he found himself just standing there staring at the waves endlessly beating against the shore. Then he started yelling his frustration, stooping down to gather some pebbles and fling them haphazardly at the water. Before he realized what he was doing, he started running up the beach which stretched northward. A small barrier of rocks blocked his path but he ignored it, climbing it and practically leaping down to the next beach, barely pausing long enough to catch his balance. This beach was somewhat larger than the previous one, curving in a wide arc before bending back on itself around a promontory. Glorfindel just ran, letting the wind whip around him, avoiding the surf when possible and plowing right through it when he couldn’t.

The next beach he found himself on ended abruptly in a towering seacliff that was impossible to climb or go around, so Glorfindel turned and ran back the other way. By the time he returned to the original beach fronting the cottage he was soaked to the skin though he was barely breathing hard. Yet, he felt sick and dizzy and tired all at once and collapsed onto the sand, lying there face up, allowing the sun to dry the salt on his skin. As his breathing slowed he felt himself drifting and soon the warmth of the sand and the sun performed their magic on him and he fell asleep, unaware that a worried Nienna sat nearby keeping watch.

****

He woke sometime later, feeling thirsty and managed to crawl up the bluff to the cottage where he found the well and drank his fill. Then he entered the house and stripped off his sweat-soaked and sand-filled clothes, unsurprised to find that the tub was already filled with hot water, waiting for him. How long he soaked he wasn’t sure but eventually he got out and, after drying himself off, slipped into a silk robe and settled down on the sofa in the sitting room. A pot of tea was waiting for him along with a plate of ginger biscuits. Glorfindel felt too bemused to offer much protest. Instead, he poured himself a cup, and curled up on the sofa, nibbling on one of the biscuits as he looked out the window.

Thus he spent the rest of the afternoon. At one point he turned away from the view and threw a blanket over himself, settling down for a nap. Somehow his body craved sleep more than anything and he was too tired to fight it. His last thought was that he still had six more hours to kill before dinner.

He woke to someone knocking on the front door and blundered over to it to find Tiutalion on the other side. "Dinner will be in half an hour, Glorfindel," the Maia said with a smile. "You don’t wish to be late."

Glorfindel nodded his thanks and in a short time he was dressed and ready to leave, following Tiutalion. "How did your first day go?" the Maia asked solicitously.

Glorfindel shrugged. "It went well enough, I suppose," he answered, not really wanting to elaborate.

When they arrived at Nienna’s Glorfindel hoped that he would be able to maintain his end of the conversation, but he feared he had nothing to contribute. What was he going to talk about anyway? The most exciting thing he did that day was run up and down the beach. To Glorfindel’s relief, though, Nienna did not ask him about his day. Instead, much to his surprise, she asked him about how he had felt during the tournament.

"I felt... good," was the only thing he could think to say and blushed in embarrassment. When Nienna merely nodded in encouragement he continued. "It was the first time since becoming reborn that I actually felt... myself. Many of my memories of Gondolin, the good ones, I mean, started to surface. I felt... at home."

Nienna raised an eyebrow. "An interesting way to put it," she said as she passed some frumenty to him. "What made it feel like home to you, the people, the tournament itself?"

Glorfindel shook his head. "I think it was a combination of a number of things, but certainly being surrounded by other warriors just felt right."

"Can you see yourself as anything but a warrior?" Nienna then asked.

Glorfindel took some time before answering. "I told Sador once that all I knew was how to be a warrior and he told me that wasn’t true, that I knew how to be other things as well, but I think that being a warrior is all I want to be. Everything else that I am is wrapped up around that one thing. I look at Finrod and see someone who can be a warrior at need but is not one always. And Laurendil. He has found a new calling as a Healer."

"You do not see yourself finding a new calling," Nienna stated.

The ellon shrugged, pushing his food around his plate, not looking up. "The Noldóran and Ingwë I think would like to see me as part of their councils in some capacity, but really, what could I possibly contribute that cannot be done by others and better? I spent all but the first fifty years in Beleriand hiding behind the walls of the Echoriath while the others fought and died against Morgoth’s minions. Only once did we ever venture forth and that was the beginning of the end for us, though we did not know it then. I fear I have little wisdom to impart to others. Dying doesn’t seem to have granted me more than what little I had before."

For a time, Nienna did not respond. Finally, though, she reached over and put a hand on Glorfindel’s arm. He looked up from his plate to see her smiling at him. "You are wiser than you realize, Glorfindel, and it’s a wisdom born of suffering. This past year has been very hard on you and I fear we Valar did not make it any easier. For that I apologize for all of us."

Glorfindel sighed, sitting back in his chair, looking somewhat at a loss. "What am I supposed to do for the next week, lady?" he asked. "I can’t continue doing what I did today, which was nothing at all; I’ll go insane!"

"Oh, I very much doubt that," Nienna said with a laugh. "You can always see how much mischief you can get into the way Vorondil and Aldundil did while they were here. My people and I enjoy a good challenge."

Glorfindel gave her a jaundiced look. "I thought I was supposed to be relaxing, taking it easy?"

"There are many ways to relax, my dear," the Valië said with a knowing grin. "You are supposed to be taking time for yourself without anyone else dictating your every waking minute. Do whatever you feel the need to do. Just be sure to be here for dinner every night. What else you do in the meantime is your affair."

"But I don’t want to get into mischief," Glorfindel protested, unsure why he was arguing over being given permission to act up. "Getting into mischief is what I’ve been doing since I was re-embodied. Isn’t it time for me to start growing up?"

Nienna shrugged. "That’s for you to decide. Just remember this: you have some ways to go before you reach the level of maturity you enjoyed at the time of your death. Don’t try to grow up too fast, child, you’ll just end up making things more difficult for you than necessary. Now, it’s getting late. Tiutalion will escort you back to the cottage. Enjoy yourself, Glorfindel, or at least try, for all our sakes."

Glorfindel rose and gave the Valië his obeisance before allowing Tiutalion to lead him back along the path to the cottage. They found the place all lit up, warm light spilling out and welcoming them. As Tiutalion started to leave, though, Glorfindel felt a sense of panic rise within him.

"Wait!" he shouted and then took a couple of deep breaths, trying to get the panic under control. "C-could you stay, pl-please?"

Tiutalion smiled and closed the door. "I’ll make a pot of tea, shall I?"

****

It was well after midnight before Glorfindel finally fell asleep with Tiutalion promising to stay and keep watch over him. The Maia assured him that he did not mind and in fact considered it part of his duties towards his lady. Glorfindel opined that the Maia must have something better to do than watch over him while he was sleeping, now beginning to feel stupid about the whole thing

"Better, perhaps," Tiutalion averred even as he saw Glorfindel to his room, "but not as important. Now go to sleep and if you need anything I’ll be in the next room."

Soon, Glorfindel was fast asleep. Nienna and Námo appeared in the larger room where Tiutalion was busy putting away the dishes. He gave them both a bow and smiled. "He’s afraid to be alone," he said. "Being alone terrifies him."

"So we noticed," Námo said with a frown. "That’s going to make things difficult for him during the rest of the week."

"Perhaps what he needs is not so much to be alone as to be alone with another person, someone who doesn’t threaten him," the Maia ventured and both Valar gave him considering looks.

"He seems to have taken to you," Nienna said.

Tiutalion shrugged. "I listen without passing judgment. I think he even trusts me to some extent."

"And trust is something he needs to work on," Námo said. "Glorfindel no longer trusts us, indeed he no longer trusts himself. Therein lies his dilemma."

"Yet, I do not think having me or any of the other Maiar acting as his companion is going to help any," Tiutalion said with a slight frown. "He needs to feel safe around other elves."

Both Námo and Nienna shook their heads in disagreement. "He needs to trust us first," Nienna told the Maia. "He needs to feel safe around us again. The rest will follow."

"So, do you want me to continue being his friend and confidant?" Tiutalion asked, looking doubtful.

"Only if he asks you to," Nienna said. "Give him to know that you will not censure anything he does and will leave him alone if he wishes. Let him call the tune."

"If he can feel himself relax around you, Tiutalion," Námo said, "it will go a long way towards helping him relax around others."

Tiutalion bowed, giving them both a sly smile. "Then I will do as you wish, lady, and be Glorfindel’s partner in crime, if he will let me."

Both Valar chuckled at that and shortly thereafter the cottage was empty save for one sleeping ellon and a Maia who occupied his time reading and nibbling on ginger biscuits.

****

The next morning Glorfindel woke to the smell of bacon and eggs and found himself feeling ravenous. He quickly went through his ablutions and dressed, stepping into the main room to the sight of Tiutalion scrambling eggs. The Maia looked up and pointed to the table where there was already a place setting. "Help yourself to some fresh juice," he said. "The eggs will be ready shortly."

"You don’t have to cook for me, you know," Glorfindel said as he took his seat. "I’m quite capable...."

"Of course you are," Tiutalion said as he came over with the skillet in his hand and dished out the eggs onto Glorfindel’s plate. "I thought you would enjoy having someone else cook breakfast this morning. I suspect left to your own devices you would probably make do with a piece of fruit and a sip of tea."

Glorfindel smiled. "Probably. Thank you."

"You’re quite welcome. Now, when you finish eating you should take a walk and enjoy the fresh air. You might want to go exploring in the woods to the east of here. They’re not very large, but they’ll do."

"Is there a reason why you want me to go there?" Glorfindel asked between bites.

"Ah... you’ve caught me out," Tiutalion said with a mock grimace. "I’m planning a surprise party for you and need you away for a time."

Glorfindel started laughing. "Not much of a surprise now that I know of it."

Tiutalion just smirked. "But you don’t know when the party will be or even why it’s a surprise."

"In that case, I’ll pretend ignorance and make my way to these woods in all innocence."

"Don’t forget your sword," Tiutalion said as he started to clear the table once Glorfindel was finished. The ellon gave him a surprised look. The Maia shrugged. "You never know what dangers might lurk in the woods."

"This is Aman," Glorfindel protested.

Tiutalion nodded. "And Lord Oromë goes hunting even here."

That brought the elf up short and with a nod he went and grabbed his sword and cloak before heading out the door, following the path to the east where a smudge of dark green marked the forest that was his destination.

****

The woods were indeed small, stretching in any one direction for less than a half a league, but they seemed friendly enough to Glorfindel. There was no real path to follow so he made his way through the bracken, silently greeting the trees, mostly firs, as he sauntered by. Birds sang sweetly around him and one or two squirrels gave him cheeky greetings before scampering off on business of their own. Sunlight filtered through the branches, giving everything a greenish-gold glow as ferns waved in the slight breeze. There was a sense of peace that was felt almost immediately and Glorfindel could feel himself relax in a way that was hard to describe. Yet, he recalled Tiutalion’s admonishment and maintained vigilance, his hand only inches from his sword just in case.

At some point he came upon a small clearing, no more than a slight opening of the dense undergrowth where there was a knoll on which a single pine stood. He sat beneath it, enjoying the play of light, shifting here and there through the branches, casting green shadows everywhere. The silence was almost absolute and Glorfindel could feel himself relaxing a bit more though he never relaxed so far as not to remain vigilant.

A rustle between the trees alerted him and he tensed somewhat, meaning to rise so as to better defend himself if need be but then he breathed a sigh of relief when a doe and her fawn stepped out into the sunlight. He went perfectly still, marveling at the sight of such innocence and beauty and felt a thrill run through him when both deer came to him, sniffing delicately at his outstretched hand. The fawn skipped around a bit in the pure pleasure of being alive and Glorfindel smothered a laugh, not wishing to destroy this perfect moment. The doe, more interested in eating than playing, nibbled on some leaves and then made her way back into the forest, her child gamboling beside her.

Even after they disappeared into the brush, Glorfindel sat there with a grin, staring after them. After a while though he sighed and decided he had had enough of the woods. He stood and made his way back the way he had come, checking for the signs he had automatically left to mark his trail so he would be able to find his way back to the cottage. He did not think he had been in the woods for too long so he was surprised to come out of them to find that it was already a couple of hours past noon. Entering the cottage, he found it empty, which saddened him. A plate of cold meats and cheese sat on the table waiting for him and once he washed up he sat and began to eat though his heart wasn’t in it. It would have been nice to have had Tiutalion waiting for him so he could share his day with the Maia. He could have called for him, he knew, but he didn’t, feeling suddenly shy and uncertain that the Maia would even want to hear about him seeing the deer. For some reason he couldn’t quite vocalize it just didn’t seem important or interesting any more.

After his lunch Glorfindel wondered what he should do next. The beach held no interest for him at the moment and he had no desire to return to the woods even though he had barely explored it. Neither did he have any desire to read. He found a harp by the sofa and started to tune it, but after practicing a few arpeggios he sighed and put the harp down, not really interested in playing. Instead, he settled himself more firmly on the sofa, his hands around his knees as he gazed out the window, mournfully wondering how he was going to survive the rest of the week with nothing to do.