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To Have or Have Not  by Garnet Took

To Have or Have Not

It was getting late, and most of the party guests had already left. The young guest of honor lay sleeping peacefully in his father's arms. Little Faramir Took had, from all appearances, enjoyed his sixth birthday party immensely.

"Oh, you are growing up so fast, my little lad," whispered Pippin, tucking his sleeping son into bed. I'm going to miss moments like this, he said to himself as he shut the door and slipped down the hall to his and Diamond's bedroom.

Diamond was sitting on the side of the bed waiting for him. "Did he wake up?" she asked.

"No. He slept right through being changed into his nightshirt and put into bed. I think I'm going to miss this age. It's so easy to get him to bed, and he's always so glad to see us in the morning. I know how I was when I hit my teens; I didn't want to get up and dreaded that knock on my door each morning. I kind of wish we could keep him little for a long, long time."

Diamond smiled softly at her husband. He was a wonderful father and loved their son beyond imagining, but she still sensed that emptiness within him brought about by the knowledge that they would, almost beyond a shadow of a doubt, never have another child.

"You know," she finally said, "I've been thinking."

"I'm glad one of us has," Pippin quipped, changing into his nightclothes and tossing his party clothes across a chair. "I've heard more than one person say that if you weren't so level-headed, I'd not be half the hobbit I am."

"Stop teasing," answered Diamond, but she couldn't hide her giggle. "I'm trying to be serious here. I've been thinking about children. I know you'd like to have more, and, to tell the truth, so would I. I guess what I'm asking is, did the king say that there was nothing else we could do?"

Pippin sat down beside his wife and took her hand. "He said that we should keep doing the things we were doing when Faramir was conceived. The only thing he said was that we couldn't use those nasty-tasting herbs he gave me. He said there could be some really unpleasant side-effects if I took them too long, and, besides that, they really did taste horrid."

"So, unless we have some sort of miracle happen, we can probably forget that ever happening." Diamond sighed. "I know I said I'd be content," she continued, "but it's so hard." She was finding it hard to hold back the tears. "I guess seeing so many of our friends and family with all their little ones just makes me wish we could have more, too."

Pippin changed positions so that, instead of just holding his wife's hand, he could take her into his arms. "I know what you mean," he said. "It was very hard seeing both Stella and Vinca with their babies. Even though these are probably their last, they still have more than we ever will. I'm not jealous, but I am a bit envious of them.

"You know," he finally said after a long silence, "just because we most likely never will have any more children, doesn't mean we can't keep trying." As he said this, he began gently rubbing Diamond's shoulders and down her arms. "Want to do a little trying?" he asked, leaning down to plant a kiss on her neck.

"Mmmm," she sighed. "That sounds really nice."

-----

Two weeks later, when Diamond had her monthly cycle, as usual, she shut herself up in the bedroom and had a long cry. Knowing full well why his wife was so miserable, Pippin hid in his office and silently wept for her, and all the children they would never have.

-----

In mid Rethe, S.R. 1436, a formal letter arrived from the king. And, when he consulted them, Pippin learned that Merry and Sam had received letters identical in form to his own. They were a royal request for the three leaders of the Shire to greet their king as he passed their lands on his way north to reestablish his northern realm at Annuminas. Aragorn had also invited the wives and children to attend as well.

"When is he arriving?" asked Diamond when Pippin told her of the impending visit.

"The eighth day of Astron," he answered her. "So, you'll have plenty of time to have new clothes made for us all. And don't tell me that's not why you were asking: Merry and Sam both said that was the first thing their wives started doing as soon as they heard about the letter." Pippin smiled at the indignant look upon his wife's face.

"Well then," she said, giving him a mock-evil look, "I'll just have to make sure your new things are made out of the most uncomfortable fabric I can find."

"Of course, I would expect nothing less." Pippin tried hard not to smile. One of the things he loved most about his wife was her sense of humor. She had a sharp wit and could parry words with the best of them.

-----

On the day of Aragorn's arrival at the Brandywine Bridge; Pippin, Diamond and little Faramir stood proudly beside the families of the Master and the Mayor. All the local hobbits who had turned out for the occasion were suitably impressed.

Both Pippin and Merry had managed to avoid having to be fitted with new clothes for the day. They had decided that it was more appropriate that they wear their uniforms, since they were knights, and Pippin was still sworn to service with the King.

Aragorn was genuinely thrilled to see his old friends and their families. He was especially pleased to meet little Farimir Took. This was because this child had been conceived in Minas Tirith, and with some intervention on the part of the King.

Sam's daughter Elanor was the darling of all the court that had accompanied the King, and she was made a maid of honor to the Queen, and all the other children were doted on, but there would always be a special place in Aragorn's heart for Pippin's son.

Once the festivities were over, the children settled for the night and all the needs of the king's camp attended to, Aragorn was finally able to sit with his friends and have a talk.

"Well now," began the king, pulling out his pipe and filling it. "What have the three of you been up to these last few years? I know what Sam's been doing a lot of," he cast a wicked grin at the gardener-turned-mayor. "Your family is quite charming, by the way," he added.

Sam blushed furiously. "Thank ye, sir. I was so hopin' they'd all behave themselves today. They're good lads and lasses all, but they're still children and they can be a little wild at times. Maybe my ole gaffer had the right of it after all when he said that we young-uns should be seen and not heard, especially at formal functions."

"No, Sam, I enjoyed all the children's antics," answered the king. "That's what being a child is all about--running around, being wild and noisy. Those are the things childhood memories are made of."

"So," continued Aragorn, changing the subject and looking over at Merry. "Are you ever going to see your way clear to come visit us any time soon? I have to confess that I was just a little disappointed that you chose not to accompany Pippin when he and Diamond came to visit us a few years ago."

"I'd love to visit you sometime," answered Merry. "Unfortunately, things just haven't worked out to allow it. Estella and I were just starting our family when Pippin and Diamond went to visit Minas Tirith, and I was working very hard helping my father. He was in failing health at that time, and I had taken over most of the duties as Master."

"Don't worry about it, dear Merry," reassured the king. "I just hope a day will come soon when you and your family will grace us with your presence, either in Minas Tirith or at our new northern palace."

"Speaking of your northern home," said Pippin, "how long do you plan to spend there on this visit?" He had an ulterior motive for asking, but he hoped no one would notice and would simply put it down to his still-insatiable curiosity.

"We are planning to spend the entire summer there," Aragorn answered. "We will leave early enough to get back to the Southlands before the truly cold weather can set in. I would say that we should be passing back this way near to the beginning of your month of Winterfilth."

Pippin nodded thoughtfully. "So," he finally said, "there would be time for us to make the trip up to see you."

"Yes, there would be plenty of time for that. It is not a long journey from here, and most of the roads have been repaired or rebuilt to speed my own travels as well as those of my messengers and the Rangers.

"If I may ask, are you contemplating coming to see me, Pippin? And, if you are, in what capacity do you plan to come? Do you wish to come as a representative of one of my realms, or as one of my councilors, or perhaps one of my knights--to offer your service while I dwell near to lands with which you are intimately acquainted; or is this to be purely a visit between friends?”

“Well,” stammered Pippin. He hadn’t been expecting to be placed on the spot like this, “I hadn’t really thought of what type of visit it would be. I just thought that with you so close, it would be a perfect chance to see you again.”

Aragorn looked at Pippin for a long moment before saying anything else. “I see,” he finally said. “Well let me give it some thought and talk to my advisers in the morning. We may be able to work out a time when it is convenient for all of us to meet at Annuminas.”

With this comment, the evening visit was over. The hobbits returned to their families for the night, and Aragorn sought out his own wife. He felt the need to share a few words with her, and thereby, hopefully, clear his own mind on a topic or two.

-----

"I just had the most interesting conversation with the hobbits," said Aragorn, "or at least one hobbit. All of us were together, but Pippin seemed much more anxious to visit us in Annuminas than the others did. They were not against a visit, by any means, but he seemed especially determined."

Arwen looked at her husband. "is there a problem with this?" she asked. "It only makes sense. After all, Pippin is the closest to Gondor of all of them. Maybe he just feels that spending time serving the king is something he should do."

"Perhaps you're right," answered Aragorn as he finished getting ready for bed. "I just have this feeling that something else is going on. I don't get the feeling that anything is amiss, but there is definitely something going on in that hobbit's head. I guess I'll just have to wait till he's ready to share it with me."

"You know," answered Arwen, "that shouldn't take too long. Pippin has never been one to keep quiet for long when something is on his mind." Aragorn could only smile at how well his wife understood their small friends.

-----

Pippin lay in bed unable to get to sleep. After an hour of being perfectly still while her husband tossed and turned, Diamond had had enough. "What is bothering you, Pippin," she asked.

"I just have a lot on my mind," was Pippin's response. It sounded trite and contrived in his own ears; he could only imagine how untrue it sounded to his wife.

She turned and looked hard at her husband in the dim light. "Now, that," she said, "is just about the weakest lie I think I've ever heard. You're usually more creative in your dissembling than that. Now, tell me what is really bothering you."

Pippin sighed and lay looking up at the ceiling for a moment. "How would you feel," he finally said, "about paying a visit to Aragorn and Arwen in their summer palace?"

"I think it could be enjoyable," answered Diamond, "but I think there's more to this than you just wanting to visit a new place and see some old friends. Care to share what's going on in that head of yours with me?"

Pippin sighed again. "How'd I manage to end up with such a clever wife?" he finally said.

"Just lucky, I guess."

"Well, however that may be, I guess you should know what I'm thinking about." Pippin sat up in the bed and folded his legs up under himself so that he was sitting tailor-fashion under the covers. "I have been thinking about us and children for several months now--since before Faramir's birthday, actually--and I want to see if there is anything else Strider can do to help us. That is, if you want to try something more than we've been doing for the last six years."

Diamond sat and looked intently at her husband. "You know," she finally said, "that I would be content with just having our one dear son, but, if you really want to see what the king can do to help us have another, I will support you all the way."

Diamond looked down at her hands, folded in her lap, before she continued. "You know, I never meant to say anything to you about it, but I cry every month when it becomes clear that once again we aren't going to have another baby. Please don't be mad at me. I'm not blaming you for that. I just know all of us want another child, even Farimir."

Pippin looked long at his wife, and Diamond could clearly see the tears he was trying hard not to let fall. "I am so blessed," he finally said in a decidedly trembling voice, "I have the most patient wife in all the Shire, maybe even the whole world. You put up with me no matter what. I love you, Diamond."

"I love you, too, Pippin," she said. "Now, let's both get some sleep." She helped him settle back into bed and cuddled up beside him. She really did love him very much.

-----

Two days later, as the king and his traveling court prepared to continue their trip north, Aragorn called Pippin aside. "I have given your request to join us this summer considerable thought."

Pippin looked intently at his king. "Yes, Strider, and what have you decided?" he asked.

"I believe that, if you are willing, we could be prepared for a visit by the end of next month. Would this be a good time for you?"

"I think it can be, " Pippin answered. "The spring planting will be completed by then and the only thing that would need planning is the mid-summer festivals; and that isn't anything that big since most folks go to the Free Fair during the Lithe Days. If you will have us, I would enjoy spending the summer at Annuminas."

"I do have one question," said Aragorn. "Might I ask why you are so eager to visit us? I'm glad you want to come, but I cannot help but think you have more reasons than you have shared with me."

Pippin shuffled his feet and looked nervously at the ground. "Well...," he hesitated. "You see, it's something very personal. I'm not sure just how to put it. I need to talk to you about something."

"Perhaps you should just get it off your chest right now so that you can enjoy your visit with us."

"Oh, all right," said Pippin. "I'm not going to be able to think about anything else for the next two months, so I might as well just tell you. Diamond and I--we really want to try to have another child, and you're the only one who knows anything about how to help us. Please, Strider, say that you will at least give it some thought before we arrive. I know you said that we shouldn't try what we did last time, but we're both so miserable that we'd try just about anything if there was even the slightest chance it might work."

Aragorn put his hand on the hobbit's shoulder. "I will consider this," he said. "I don't know that there is anything else we can try, but I will think of anything I can that might help. I do want to know one thing. Have you ever considered taking in a child, or children, that don't have living parents of their own?"

"The thought has crossed my mind," answered Pippin. "The thing is, though, that there are rarely any children in the Shire that have no family that will take them in. Adoption is a very accepted practice, but it is almost always grandparents or aunts and uncles who take an orphaned child. They are almost never given up to someone without close blood ties."

"I thought that might be the case," said the King. "I will give your request serious thought and will speak more about it when you arrive."

"Thank you," said Pippin, giving a slight bow to his sovereign.





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