B2MeM Challenge: Crossover 2—N-43, Comedy
Format: Script
Title: Hey! Hey! It's The Hobbits!
Genre: Parody
Rating: G
Warnings: N /A
Characters: Sam, Merry, Pippin and Frodo, Farmer Maggot, Geranium Maggot (OFC)
Pairings: Frodo/OFC
Summary: The Hobbits are tempted by more than they can reasonably bite off.

Hey! Hey! It's The Hobbits!

Act 1, Scene 2:

Four curly heads appear above a hedge. They are THE HOBBITS: MERRY, PIPPIN, FRODO and SAM. They are young and fresh-faced, with curly mops of hair and slightly pointed ears.)

MERRY: "See, I told you there was plenty here!"

PIPPIN: (an expression of spaced-out bliss on his face) "Mushrooms. Carrots. Apples. Tomatoes..."

SAM: "Smell it? Fresh baked bread, apple pie..."

FRODO: "Sausages being smoked..."

(Wide-angle camera shot of a tidy and old-fashioned farmyard. There is a farmhouse with a round door and round windows, a barn and a chicken coop. No one appears to be around. Camera pans back in to show THE HOBBITS. They are now wearing masks over their eyes and all black clothing-- in spite of the fact that it's broad daylight. They tiptoe out from behind the hedge, each one carrying a large cloth sack. Pippin's sack is the largest, and drags on the ground.)

MUSIC: "Take the last train to Sackville
And I'll meet you at the station...

PIPPIN pauses: "Where is that music coming from?" (He stares around wildly, as if searching.)

MERRY shrugs: "I have no idea. What is a 'train'?"

FRODO puts a finger under his chin, as if thinking: "I believe it's the part of a lady's dress that drags on the ground."

MERRY and PIPPIN nod: "Oh! That makes sense."

SAM: (looking impatient) "Come on, let's get busy. There are mushrooms here waiting for us!"

(The music begins playing louder. FAST MOTION: they rush around filling their sacks with vegetables. Merry grabs links of sausages out of a smokehouse, Frodo puts whole apple pies from a window sill into his sack.)

Just as the music stops, suddenly a hobbit FARMER appears, wielding a hoe and shouting. It is FARMER MAGGOT. Freeze frame on THE HOBBIT's faces as they realize they have been caught.)

Act 1, Scene 2:

SAM (speaking very fast): "Now, Mr. Farmer, sir, don't get the wrong idea. We, uh, we just were putting these things that we found back where they belong. Right, fellows?"

MERRY and PIPPIN nod very fast. FRODO pulls one of the apple pies out of his sack. It is perfectly intact, in spite of the fact that he had just thrown it in.) "Here." (holding it out in a placating manner)

FARMER MAGGOT: "A likely story. I'd better call my dogs." (whistles piercingly) "Fang!" (THE HOBBITS look alarmed. A small poodle runs out from behind the farmhouse. THE HOBBITS look relieved.) "Grip!" ( a chihuahua comes yapping out; THE HOBBITS look at one another and begin to smile) "YO! Dogs!" (suddenly about a dozen dogs of all shapes and sizes, including a dachshund, a rat terrier, a bulldog, a Great Dane and various mutts come barking out, and begin to chase THE HOBBITS in fast motion.)

MUSIC: "I guess I should have stayed in bed
My pillow wrapped around my head
Instead of waking up to find
A nightmare of a different kind
I'll run away
This just doesn't seem to be my day...

PIPPIN (stopping briefly) "There's that strange music again." (he begins to run again, the terrier at his heels)

The dogs chase THE HOBBITS towards an apple tree, which which they climb. They are now surrounded by yapping dogs.)

FARMER MAGGOT (suddenly has a blunderbuss. He looks at it, puzzled.) "I wonder where this came from? Oh well." (He takes aim at THE HOBBITS)

Just then a beautiful young hobbit girl runs out of the house. "Father! Stop!"

FARMER MAGGOT: "Now then, Geranium, you just keep out of this. I caught these thieves red-handed. Or vegetable-handed as you might say!"

GERANIUM: (batting her eyes and staring at her father pleadingly) "But Father, they really haven't hurt anything yet! I'm sure there is another way to deal with this rather than shooting at them." (she holds a flower up to him) "Peace, dad!"

SAM (from the tree): "She's right! I'm sure there's another way! We'll make it up to you!"

(The other three nod their heads vigorously. GERANIUM looks at them more closely. Her eyes lock with FRODO's. Suddenly harp music is heard, and there is a close-up of FRODO, stars twinkling in his eyes. Switch to close-up of GERANIUM, also starry-eyed. SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN exchange worried looks. FARMER MAGGOT looks at his daughter and narrows his eyes.)

Act 2, Scene 1

FARMER MAGGOT lowers his blunderbuss, and looks narrowly at THE HOBBITS. There is a long pause, and the theme from JEOPARDY can be heard. MERRY cocks his head. "There's that music!")

Finally FARMER MAGGOT nods. "All right. You fellows can come down." (He gestures for the dogs to come away. All of them obey immediately, except for the chihuahua, which gives one last growl and shows its teeth before leaving.)

(THE HOBBITS climb down from the tree warily. FRODO and GERANIUM approach one another in slow-motion)

MUSIC: "I'll be true to you,
Yes, I will.
"I'll be true to you,
Yes, I will...

(As the music continues to play, FRODO and GERANIUM romp in slow-motion in a field of daisies. The song ends to show the two of them still standing by the apple tree holding hands. MERRY and SAM snap their fingers between the two of them, until they startle out of their reverie.)

FARMER MAGGOT looks at THE HOBBITS: "I'll take those sacks lads." (THE HOBBITS hand them over. PIPPIN is very reluctant, and the others have to pry his out of his hands.)

FARMER MAGGOT: "Tomorrow the four of you come over and do all the chores around this place, and we'll forget this ever happened."

(SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN all nod. FRODO is still staring at GERANIUM. MERRY reaches up behind him and makes his head nod as well.)

Act 2, Scene 2:

(THE HOBBITS are lined up at attention in front of the farmhouse. SAM knocks on the door and then stands back next to the others. FARMER MAGGOT opens the door.)

SAM salutes: "THE HOBBITS reporting for duty, Mr. Maggot, sir."

FARMER MAGGOT (grinning evilly): "Good. I have plenty for you to do."

MUSIC: "Every face that I see is all wrapped up in frowns,
Unfortunately, it kind of gets me down.
Laugh, 'cause the music is funny...
Yeah, the bass sounds off-beat,
Ain't that neat...

(As the music plays, there is a montage of THE HOBBITS doing various unpleasant farm chores, somewhat ineptly: PIPPIN tries to feed the chickens, which attack him; MERRY ends up face down in the pig trough; SAM is pushing a plow which MERRY is pulling; FRODO is mucking out a barn-- GERANIUM keeps trying to get a look at him, but her father keeps pulling her away; SAM is trying to fix the barn roof; MERRY and PIPPIN are whitewashing a fence and are covered in whitewash; FRODO is trying to clean out a goat pen and the goats chase him. Again, GERANIUM keeps trying to get a look at him, but her father keeps pulling her away. The song ends with THE HOBBITS dirty and exhausted, leaning on one another.)

FARMER MAGGOT: "Well, you fellows have put in a good day's work. Come on in; the Missus has made up a fine supper."

(Cut to interior scene of the farmhouse kitchen; THE HOBBITS are miraculously cleaned up and seated at a large table with FARMER MAGGOT, MISSUS MAGGOT and GERANIUM. FRODO is staring at GERANIUM until something is placed in front of him that breaks the spell: a large steaming platter of mushrooms!)

FRODO, grinning, and completely ignoring GERANIUM: "Mushrooms!" He quickly begins to pile them on his plate.)

(Cut to end: THE HOBBITS, arm in arm in arm in arm, walking in unison, as the music plays:

MUSIC: "Here we come,
Walking down the street!
We get the funniest looks from
Everyone we meet!
Hey! Hey! We're the Hobbits!
People say we hobbit around,
But we're too busy eating
To put anybody down..."

As the music dies away, SAM looks up at the sky: "I wonder where that music comes from?"

(AUTHOR'S NOTES: Dedicated to the late Davy Jones and The Monkees. I think there is something very hobbity about Davy, Peter, Mike and Mickey. All the quoted lyrics are from their songs, a couple slightly altered. There is also a nod to one of my favorite stories by Grey Wonderer, if anyone spots it.)