57. Reasons

Sauron was alone with Námo now. He did not kneel.

Námo was quiet, looking deep into the Maia's soul. Sauron endured the look without a wince, although it took all his willpower to do so.

"Why?" Námo asked simply. "Why now?"

"You don't believe I did it for Aragorn, do you?" It was more a statement than a question.

"I believe you used the situation to appear repentant before the Judgment."

"Well, maybe a little…" Sauron smiled, but it was a tense smile. "Or… I really wanted to heed your call, but didn't want to come like a stray dog to a master's whistle. Maybe I just needed an… excuse to keep my dignity."

"That's possible as well…" Námo nodded thoughtfully. "What made you change your mind, though? When Morgoth was defeated, you could have come, but you didn't. It would be much easier back then. Why now?"

"I am tired," Sauron said simply. "All my hate is spent, all my anger burnt in the fire of Orodruin. I have nothing left. I seek… peace. Just for a while…"

The unsaid words hung in the space between them. Just for a while, before you judge me and throw me into the Void…

"I only ask you one thing…"

Námo raised his eyebrows, but Sauron continued quietly: "Please, do not bind me like Melkor…"

Námo sighed, and was looking somewhere through Sauron, through the walls with tapestries, to Beyond…

Then he nodded. "We will not, Child. It was a mistake to bind our fallen brother. We will not do

it again."

"Yes, it was a mistake…" Sauron whispered. "He was proud. You chained him, and wanted him to regret his sins. Maybe he would, if you did not humble him so…"

"We will never know…" Námo shook his head, and then his look was almost warm as he watched Sauron. "But you will not be chained in my halls. May you find the peace you are looking for, Child…"

Sauron bowed slightly. "Thank you…" he said, and the words were sincere.

"In my halls, you will have peace and solitude for one hundred years, so your spirit can heal. Then you will stand in Mahánaxar.

"So may it be," Sauron replied quietly.

"Use the time well. You cannot escape the Judgment. You know it, don't you?" Námo asked gently.

Sauron nodded. "I know. I tried to escape it twice, hiding when my Master was defeated. I do not want to hide anymore." He looked into Námo's eyes seriously. "I wish I could die."

"That gift is only for the Secondborn Children, not for us…" Námo shook his head.

"I do not want the gift. I just want… to stop being."

Námo looked at him, a long, wordless look that was both piercing and compassionate. "That's what the kings of Númenor were afraid of…"

"They did not know that their souls are not as fragile as their bodies. But a soul can hurt much more than body. And when the pain is too much… The Elves in Middle-earth would go to the Grey Havens and sail West, in hope to find healing. But for me, there is nothing in the West, nothing in Arda…"

Námo sighed, and gently took Sauron in an embrace.

The Maia stiffened, and tried to get out of it, but Námo held him firmly, and Sauron ceased his struggles after several moments, resigned.

"What about the Dwarves?" he asked suddenly, remembering Durin. "Where do they go after they die? Back to the stone?"

"That I can't reveal to you. But when the Blue Mountains were broken apart in the War of Wrath, and Belegost and Nogrod sank under the Sea, Aule's tears over the loss joined with Nienna's…"

"Why did the Fates allow that, then?" Sauron ask somehow bitterly, clearly thinking about something else.

Námo guessed his thoughts, and sighed. "We had no choice… neither there, nor for Númenor…"

Sauron was quiet for a long time. "I want to understand…" he whispered finally. "I want to know why Eru allowed it."

"So do I…" Námo sighed.

Sauron looked at him in surprise.

The Lord of Mandos smiled sadly. "I do not know, either. Eru's plans are bigger than even we can see or comprehend. I cannot give you an answer. The lessons of Mandos are not about understanding, but about acceptance. What happened, can't be changed…"

"I see…" Sauron sighed, and turned away from Námo. Without a thought or intent to give the Vala his obeisance or even end the conversation formally, he started walking away, wandering through the endless halls…