meckinock · 22 May 2004 · Chapter 1: Remembering Boromir
Hi, Avon An exceedingnly beautiful and poignant story, as always. The drawing together of Faramir and Elrond seems so sweet and natural. Faramir's pain is so palpable and it's so touching that he retreats in his grief to a place of childhood comfort, a place that he shared with the brother he now mourns. It also seemed in character for Elrond, who has seen so much grief, to seek to comfort him. Your writing is so beautiful I hate to offer any "contructive" comments, and I'm probably going to say something stupidly obnoxious if I try, but since you always ask: The way you brought us into Faramir's private grief, it seemed exceedingly natural for him to be mourning Boromir at that time and in that way. It has only been weeks, as Elrond said, since Boromir's death, after all, and they have been exceedingly busy weeks at that. With the events and stresses of the past weeks it seems perfectly natural that Faramir has not allowed himself up until now to feel or mourn his brother's death. His private mourning in the window seat was a gift of insight on your part. So Elrond's question, "But you have known of your brother’s death for weeks; why does it trouble you so now?“ seemed a little out of place. Surely Elrond didn't mean that the way it sounded? I loved Elrond's overall portrayal and tone; however his one comment: "Remember that your brother was much more than a sum of his parts" seemed a little bit modern and pre-packaged to me, and the subsequent statement, "...passion and boldness all made him Boromir and yet he was more – more than we can describe" seemed a little lordly and all-knowing without providing specific insights into Boromir. What I really liked and would love to see expanded was this: "When he spoke of you during his stay in Rivendell, I saw a gentler man than the one of his public speeches and reported deeds. He was proud, even jealous, of his position – yet he honoured Aragorn, who would take much of it from him." Ah ha! Yes, Elrond would have had a lot of opportunity to observe Boromir at Rivendell (and assess his suitability for the mission). I'd love to hear more about Elrond's first impressions of Boromir and some behind-the-scenes glimpses of his behavior at Rivendell, expansion of how he reacted to Aragorn, etc! This was a great sequence: “You see him swept away by the wave that drowned Númenor yet you also saw him at peace in the Anduin. He may have foundered beneath that crashing wall of water – but he reached some far shore. Boromir did not die in darkness.” I think you could end it after "I know" or leave in the final glimpse of Boromir. I liked it, and it fit with Faramir's state of mind. Sorry if I've gone overboard, I don't know what got into me... mrk
Author's reply
Hi Meckinock, Thank you *very* much for such wonderful feedback - feedback like this is what every writer dreams of IMO. IU've taken al your advice plus some equally constructive stuff I got over at HASA and I'm trying to rewrite - but between work pressures and sudden unexpected inspiration I'm not finished yet. Your writing is so beautiful I hate to offer any "contructive" comments, and I'm probably going to say something stupidly obnoxious if I try, Absolutely definitely not stupid or obnoxious. but since you always ask: The way you brought us into Faramir's private grief, it seemed exceedingly natural for him to be mourning Boromir at that time and in that way. It has only been weeks, as Elrond said, since Boromir's death, after all, and they have been exceedingly busy weeks at that. With the events and stresses of the past weeks it seems perfectly natural that Faramir has not allowed himself up until now to feel or mourn his brother's death. His private mourning in the window seat was a gift of insight on your part. So Elrond's question, "But you have known of your brother’s death for weeks; why does it trouble you so now?“ seemed a little out of place. Surely Elrond didn't mean that the way it sounded? Hmmm... I'm still thinking on this. Apart from the obvious fact that I want Elrond to ask what's up ;-) I feel Faramir's grief/trouble *is* unexpectedly deep here given how composedly he speaks of Boromir to Frodo. Elrond isn't surprised that he mourns - but this withdrawal (he sends Pippin away and I bet there is work a conscientious steward could be doing) does seem unusual. Anyway, not matter how justified I feel the comment is, if it isn't obvious to others I need to reconsider it. Thanks for the heads-up. I loved Elrond's overall portrayal and tone; however his one comment: "Remember that your brother was much more than a sum of his parts" seemed a little bit modern and pre-packaged to me, and the subsequent statement, "...passion and boldness all made him Boromir and yet he was more – more than we can describe" seemed a little lordly and all-knowing without providing specific insights into Boromir. What I really liked and would love to see expanded was this: "When he spoke of you during his stay in Rivendell, I saw a gentler man than the one of his public speeches and reported deeds. He was proud, even jealous, of his position – yet he honoured Aragorn, who would take much of it from him." Ah ha! Yes, Elrond would have had a lot of opportunity to observe Boromir at Rivendell (and assess his suitability for the mission). I'd love to hear more about Elrond's first impressions of Boromir and some behind-the-scenes glimpses of his behavior at Rivendell, expansion of how he reacted to Aragorn, etc! *grins embarrassedly* Yeah, I knew that that first line didn't quite work - I am rewriting it. I like your suggestion of how to exppand it - as long as someone else writes it! ;-) Seriously - I am trying but the first couple of lines are definitely goners. Again - thanks so much. That was just great and very helpful. Avon Author Reply: Hi Meckinock, Thank you *very* much for such wonderful feedback - feedback like this is what every writer dreams of IMO. IU've taken al your advice plus some equally constructive stuff I got over at HASA and I'm trying to rewrite - but between work pressures and sudden unexpected inspiration I'm not finished yet. Your writing is so beautiful I hate to offer any "contructive" comments, and I'm probably going to say something stupidly obnoxious if I try, Absolutely definitely not stupid or obnoxious. but since you always ask: The way you brought us into Faramir's private grief, it seemed exceedingly natural for him to be mourning Boromir at that time and in that way. It has only been weeks, as Elrond said, since Boromir's death, after all, and they have been exceedingly busy weeks at that. With the events and stresses of the past weeks it seems perfectly natural that Faramir has not allowed himself up until now to feel or mourn his brother's death. His private mourning in the window seat was a gift of insight on your part. So Elrond's question, "But you have known of your brother’s death for weeks; why does it trouble you so now?“ seemed a little out of place. Surely Elrond didn't mean that the way it sounded? Hmmm... I'm still thinking on this. Apart from the obvious fact that I want Elrond to ask what's up ;-) I feel Faramir's grief/trouble *is* unexpectedly deep here given how composedly he speaks of Boromir to Frodo. Elrond isn't surprised that he mourns - but this withdrawal (he sends Pippin away and I bet there is work a conscientious steward could be doing) does seem unusual. Anyway, not matter how justified I feel the comment is, if it isn't obvious to others I need to reconsider it. Thanks for the heads-up. I loved Elrond's overall portrayal and tone; however his one comment: "Remember that your brother was much more than a sum of his parts" seemed a little bit modern and pre-packaged to me, and the subsequent statement, "...passion and boldness all made him Boromir and yet he was more – more than we can describe" seemed a little lordly and all-knowing without providing specific insights into Boromir. What I really liked and would love to see expanded was this: "When he spoke of you during his stay in Rivendell, I saw a gentler man than the one of his public speeches and reported deeds. He was proud, even jealous, of his position – yet he honoured Aragorn, who would take much of it from him." Ah ha! Yes, Elrond would have had a lot of opportunity to observe Boromir at Rivendell (and assess his suitability for the mission). I'd love to hear more about Elrond's first impressions of Boromir and some behind-the-scenes glimpses of his behavior at Rivendell, expansion of how he reacted to Aragorn, etc! *grins embarrassedly* Yeah, I knew that that first line didn't quite work - I am rewriting it. I like your suggestion of how to exppand it - as long as someone else writes it! ;-) Seriously - I am trying but the first couple of lines are definitely goners. Again - thanks so much. That was just great and very helpful. Avon