Day 4

Bilbo gave me a journal.  He said it would help, that the air here reminded him of Rivendell.  He said it was hard to remember things there.  I got a chill when he said that. 

Everyone’s been very kind, very gracious to us.  I guess since we’re the only hobbits, and, of course, our parts in the destruction of the ring.  There were more elves waiting on the beach for our ship than I think there were in all of middle-earth.  They cheered as we docked and got off.  A beautiful elf woman embraced Elrond; they cried.  Galadriel was crying too.  I just felt tired.  It was too much, the sun, the singing, the smiling faces, too much joy that only contrasted with the sadness I’d left behind me.  I tried to smile. Gandalf noticed though, and got them to leave Bilbo and me alone.  He took us on Shadowfax to one of the smaller buildings.  It was nice and quiet inside.  Too quiet.  I fell asleep. 

The next days were spent resting, eating and relaxing.  I guess they didn’t want to overwhelm us.  Bilbo actually did more than I did.  He seems to be much more alert and lively than he was before he left the Shire.  Will we be immortal like the elves here?  I don’t feel any different.  Gandalf stays with us.  He spends a lot of time with the elves, but he’s never far away.  It’s comforting.

Elrond comes by often. The elf that kissed him was his wife, Celebrían. They look very happy.  Elrond laughs a lot, even though he’s sad about Arwen, he is happy to be here.  Gandalf and Bilbo talk about growing pipeweed for hours.  I opened my mouth to say that Sam would know the best time to plant it…that made me realize I cant ask him.  Over 20 years, Sam was just a shout away, now I may never hear his voice again. 

Later that night

 I’m so alone.  Why did I come?

Day 6

Today I walked along the beach. I’ve never seen a seashell before.  There were so many, some gleaming with color, some dull.  All were different shapes.  There were stones in the waves, they were bright. I think they were gems. I left them there. There’s no need for them anymore.  The waves were high, by the time I got back for lunch, my trousers were soaked and crusted with salt.  The food here is wonderful, but it’s strangely impersonal--like they’re making it from a translated recipe…these elves have never eaten a mincemeat pie.  There’s no ale.  I dreamed of the Green Dragon, it was full of orcs.  I woke up screaming.  Gandalf sat beside me until I fell back asleep.  there were no more dreams.

Day 9

I guess whatever elf lords or ladies in charge must have decided we were ready.  I would’ve argued, but Bilbo seemed excited.  He loves elves even more than Sam does…did.  I can’t think about them, back home.  I’m so tired I’ll cry and wake Bilbo. This is my home now.  Anyway, we met a lot of elves, they all seemed to know about the quest. I guess Elrond or Galadriel told them.  They sang songs and told me how brave and wonderful I was and what a great thing I’d done…I couldn’t listen anymore.  I drank wine until I passed out. There were no dreams.

The next day my head hurt.  I was excused from the festivities. I spent most of my day in bed, sleeping. Bilbo left me alone.  In the evening I walked along the beach again. I decided to go into the city the next day. We had coney stew for dinner. I managed to choke down a few bites.  Gandalf looked sympathetic.  I lied and said I ate earlier.  Bilbo was worried. 

They don’t understand.

Later

Insomnia. Gave in and drank myself to sleep.

The next morning I got up anyway and opened the door to the stable and went in.  There were two ponies there, just as I thought there would be.  I saddled one of them, a pretty gray, and began to trot down the road.  At first I thought my head would explode or that I would black out, but it passed.  Many elves on the road.  I almost expected to see dwarves, hooded, packs on their backs…stupid.  The elf city was beautiful.  Lots of mithril, gold, precious gemstones and metals.  Blinding when you are hung over.  I was greeted everywhere I went.  Ringbearer! 

I was hungry by noon. Lots of roast vegetables.  I missed meat rolls and sausages.  There was no candied fruit, cakes or cinnamon buns… Pippin would die of starvation here. 

Later

I can’t think about them. Not yet.

I rode home by starlight.  So many stars here.  Almost brighter at night.  There’s no moon.  How many days have I been here?  Nine? Where’s the moon?  Elf country is strange.  I’ll have to ask Gandalf. 

Day 14 or 15

i tried to keep a record of days. didnt work. my papers are gone, i dont know where. bilbo wouldnt take them, would gandalf? elrond came to see me. he says i should try and forget about the rest of the world. i cant do that yet. maybe not ever. i spent days searching for my records. found ashes in the fireplace. all the crawling around and moving things made my hand throb for hours. i can still feel the finger there. sometimes i forget and drop things. odd, the stump looks different. the scar is smaller, i'm sure.

bilbo is getting younger. his hair is iron grey now; it was white as the snow on carahdras when we came. carahdras. i remember that place. i dont think there is snow in valinor. its warm here and the stars don't seem to move in the sky. it was autumn in the shire. the air isnt even chill in the mornings here. i remember the first time merry saw snow. he was afraid of it. saradoc carried him out into it and taught him that it was fun. i'm afraid i'll never see it again. i know i'll never see merry again.

Day 20?

was making notches on a piece of driftwood. someone burned it. how did they find it? are they watching me? i'm all alone with thousands of elves. forget what? the darkness of mordor or the green Shire? i cant i cant i cant. bilbo agreed. i went outside. almost thought i would strike him. he said, "frodo, you have to let them go. they have their own lives, they've moved on. you have to too." move on, bilbo? how? to what, exactly? he has elvish history, and who knows what else to interest him. i'm sick of elves. how many weeks has it been? 3? i'll go mad before sam comes. utterly mad.

Day 21?

never thought i'd get into a shouting match with elrond. he seemed so dignified. Celebrían had to calm him. i like her. she's bright somehow, like a star. oh, shut up, frodo-- now i'm waxing poetic about elrond's wife. anyway, we were yelling because he wanted bilbo and me to go with him to see some elf lord or something. finarfin, his name was. king of the noldor that stayed in valinor. elrond nearly burst a blood vessel because i yawned in his face. calm down, elrond--it was just a JOKE. anyway, if finarfin wants to see me he should hop on a horse. i am THE ALMIGHTY RINGBEARER. as they KEEP REMINDING ME. what'd he do? LIVE A LONG TIME? stay in valinor like a coward when his brother went and fought for the things he believed in?

Later

eventually, gandalf joined bilbo, elrond and celebrían in convincing me. i wasnt hard. i have nothing to do anyway. did you know that the elvish in valinor is different from the languages everyone knows back on arda? how frustrating is that?

1. i wish i could hold elanor again. i wanted to see her grow up and be her uncle frodo.

2. i wanted to see pippin and merry become the heads of the shire

3. i wanted to go back to gondor and give Arwen back her jewel. i would rather have shadows and pain than this.

if gandalf burns this i will kill him.

Day 22?-24

rode to see king finarfin.  bilbo absurdly cheerful, he pestered me into singing songs.  asked me if i’d learned any new ones.  i remembered merry and pip repeating some of treebeard’s song about the entwives, but could only manage 2 verses.  he was pleased.  the elves were shocked about the ents.  i suppose they’d forgotten all about them here in valinor.  they begged me for the tale. my entish was horrible.  i sounded like i was asleep. merry was great at it…i miss him in the mornings “rumba-rumba-rooom, ggeeetttt uppppp ppiiiipppppppiiinnnnnnnn, (long pause)  itttt isssssh morrrrrnnnnnnnnnninggg annnnnndddddddd(long pause) theeeeeeeee sunnnnn issssssssh shinnnnningggg”  and pippin throwing a pillow at him.  legolas used to laugh every time.  

anyway, i managed to pass an hour or two on the road answering questions.  that night we slept in what i guess passes for an inn.  not really innish--ha,ha—but comfortable enough.  got a bed to myself.  i could have lived quite comfortably in it, seriously thought i would never find the edge.  had to climb up.  have to climb up to everything here.  these elves are unprepared for hobbits.  didn’t think they could see the future anyway.

next day we came to the palace? castle? what?  oversized, pretentious elves, what? i don’t know.  walked forever to the throne room.  finarfin gave a speech.  you know, these people could be more considerate, over fifty years of second breakfasts and eleveses, and you need something to eat at some point.  eerie, i think he could read my mind like galadriel.  well, he thought something was funny and i got to eat.  so, mind-reading good.

that night    

saw some beautiful murals and incredible maps.  bilbo and i poured over them for hours-maps of arda as it was before the seas were bent.  interesting.

Day 33?

leaving finarfin.  was actually sad to go, though i missed the little cottage by the sea.  have some translations as gift. gandalf and i searched the hills around finarfin’s home for any signs of pipe-weed growing or had ever been there. running low.  didn’t think to bring seeds.  could be bad.

Day 39? 

home again. studying elvish, and reading some stories but its hard.  makes me remember sam before he was in his tweens, all wide-eyes and open-mouth as he listened to the tales of adventure and doomed love.  and pippin, who was always too impatient to hear the end…probably to this day has no idea how the tale of beren and lúthien turned out. 

things i must never forget: 

pippin 3 days old, all wrinkly and screaming.

merry choking on his first pipe

little sam covered in dirt, grinning as he toddled around the garden

doing dishes with sam and getting water everywhere while rosie scolded us, her feet propped up on a cushion

merry and pippin’s faces lighting up when they first saw me at cornmallen

the first time bilbo took me on one of his trips around the shire

minas tirith, rohan, rivendell, lothlórien, and everywhere in between.

(written in trembling hand)i know what day it is now

im so scared.  i dont understand.  its been over a month i swear to it. i spent a week and a half with finarfin. but my shoulder hurt so bad…it was like the witch king’s icy blade was twisting in me.  i was outside when it hit, on the beach, smoking.  id thought it was over.  that id been here so long, it would never come back.  it was worse than ever, though, i blacked out at the pain, came to wet from the sea spray, crusted with sand.  i tasted blood, my nose was bleeding, it was all over my shirt. took forever to walk up the little sand dunes to the cottage, staggering like i was drunk.  didn’t make it any closer than to the gate.  bilbo and gandalf found me, carried me in. they told me today that i raved all night about darkness and cold…and the ring.

 i still cant eat anything, not even hungry.  my shoulder hurts when i move but, i have to write this.  im so scared ill forget if i don’t. if i could imagine what i have…had to imagine it, oh, what if i didn’t?…then i could forget anything.  merrypippinrosiesamelanor.  but, i can remember all those nights with elrond and celebrían and sometimes galadriel would visit.  theyd tell tales that had been long forgotten in middle earth, i remember that, don’t i? i couldn’t have made it up.  could i? i don’t even know any of the elves in them.  never heard of them. i couldn’t have imagined songs in language i don’t even speak.  i remember finarfin…maybe there’s not even a finarfin.  maybe i never rode into the village.  maybe there isn’t a village.  oh eru, if there aren’t any of these things then pleaseplease let me wake up in bag end. please.  

i know why the stars don’t move and its always warm.    its october the seventh…ive only been here eight days.

October 9^th

They’ve tried to explain…but it makes no sense.  The time in valinor moves faster than in arda?  Why would it do that when the time in elvish lands seems to stand still compared to the shire?  I don’t know if I believe them, but Id rather believe that than the alternative, which is that ive gone completely mad. 

Ive spent the last two days recovering, mostly in bed or sitting by the window.  Bilbo’s got a little garden going. I watch him putter around in it.  I don’t want to go and help, even though I think he would like it.  He says I should get out in the sun…he’s still getting younger.  Almost all his hair is brown again and he never gets tired anymore.  Pipeweed’s run out; Gandalf’s scouring the island for plants.  He seems to think he can find some.  I don’t especially care. Haven’t felt like smoking much anyway. 

Took off arwen’s pendant today.  Been disturbing myself…grabbing at it during the day and waking up with my hand clenched around it.  I don’t want some kind of ring-replacement.  Ill give it to Elrond.  He would want it, I think, and if he doesn’t then its going into the sea. 

I miss the sea.  I’ll go today and stop bilbo’s worrying.  He’s making me breakfast like he used to when I was little and had just came to bag end.  Sam made it for me when he left for rivendell.  Sam used to make cinnamon toast for me…don’t know why, I never asked, but It was always so good.  maybe Bilbo will make it.

October 11^th

Fully recovered now.  Ive started trying to learn the old elvish.  All the pronunciations are different.  Bilbo’s good at it, of course.  He’s been doing sensible things like talking to elves and learning it while I was moping around and being paranoid.  He loves it here.  I miss

October 11^{th (night)}

The stump of my finger started throbbing.  It hurt really bad.  Had to stop writing.  I think, I think it’s starting to grow back.  And why not?  Bilbo’s getting younger, the gray in my own hair is gone, why wouldn’t the finger grow back? Ha. I just reread this.   I bet it sounds like im not disturbed at all. Im walking around, bumping into things, looking at my hand all day.

 The scars from shelob and the ringwraith wont fade I think…they were made from evil things…my hand was just gollum’s teeth.  Gollum wasn’t truly evil, it was just the ring.  I don’t blame him.  I could/would have done much the same thing at the end.  That’s what’s scary…the knowledge that I could have done it even to sam.  I never asked him what he would have done.  I cant imagine sam raising his sword against me, but maybe he would have. 

Ahh, its no use thinking about it now.   

I wonder so much about them. I’ll miss everything.  Merry and pippin’s weddings, their children, the rest of sam’s children, becoming the master, mayor, and thain.  Will elanor remember me singing to her?  I hope strider, legolas and gimli come and visit.  they said they would.  That makes me happy just thinking of them all together, not fighting, or worrying…free.