Title: How to Roast Mutton
By: Pervinca
For: Marigold’s Challenge #5
Starter: Write a story about a gathering.
Beta: powerwriter.
Summary: Frodo Baggins and Reginard Took earn the unfortunate duty of looking after several of their Tookish cousins on a rainy day at the Great Smials.

* * * * * *

S.R. 1495, the Great Smials, Tookland

Frodo Baggins settled into a comfortable chair with a book he had selected from the huge collection in the library of the Great Smials. A fire was burning nearby, and he could hear the sound of rain against the window. The perfect day for reading.

He and his uncle, Bilbo, had come to visit their cousins in Tookland. Old Bilbo was rather fond of Paladin and Adelard Took, and tried to visit them as often as he could. However, many of the other Tooks (especially the Mistress of the Smials, Lalia), disliked Bilbo, and were not impressed when he chose to visit. Bilbo usually managed to avoid speaking to Lalia, and Frodo followed his example.

It had been raining since the Bagginses arrived at the Great Smials a few days earlier. This was the first chance that Frodo had found to be alone, since his cousin, Meriadoc Brandybuck had arrived just the day before. Frodo chuckled. As much as he loved his young cousins, they could be a handful, and he was exhausted.

Just as he had settled into his chair and opened the book, he heard someone calling his name. Looking up, he saw Adelard Took, with his eldest son, Reginard, searching the library.

“Over here, Uncle Addie,” Frodo called.

Adelard smiled. “Ah, there you are Frodo. I don’t suppose you could do a favour for me.”

“Well…uh…” Though he really had wanted to read his book, Frodo could not refuse his cousin, especially since he was a guest in Adelard’s home. He glanced at Reggie, who was close in age to him, hoping that the other lad might give him some hint as to what the favour might be. Reggie shrugged – obviously his guess was as good as Frodo’s. With a defeated sigh, Frodo replied, “Of course, Uncle Addie.”

“Splendid! This way lads!” Adelard waited for Frodo to return his book, then lead both hobbits out of the library and down one of the halls.

Reginard hissed to Frodo, “I really have no idea what he wants us to do, but I’m glad you agreed to do it too. Whatever it is, it was bound to have been boring all by myself.”

Frodo simply nodded, and wished he could have stayed back in the library. Very soon, Frodo and Reggie could hear raised voices, and instantly recognised one as belonging to one of Paladin’s daughters, Pimpernel.

“Stop siding with them, Pervinca!” she screeched. “You’re supposed to agree with us!”

They didn’t hear what Pervinca’s reply was. Frodo and Reginard looked at each other in horror. Now they knew what Adelard wanted them to do. He had led them to the playroom.

Adelard turned to face them. “Now, lads, we parents have some important business to attend to. The children have been a little on edge all morning because of the rain. We need someone to look after them. Could you do that for us?”

“But…” Reggie was about to argue, but he saw the stern look on his father’s face. “Yes, Father.”

Frodo was in no better position. He knew that Bilbo, as his guardian, would be counted among the parents. Bilbo did not often punish Frodo, but he would if needed to. “Of course, Uncle Addie.”

“Good lads!” Adelard cried, patting both of them on the head. “You’ll have lunch and afternoon tea brought to you. Have fun!” And with that, he was gone.

Frodo looked at Reggie. “I suppose it won’t be all that bad.”

Reggie nodded. “Of course not. There should not be all that many of them. Arabella and Lilac have gone with Mother.” Reggie’s mother was a Hornblower, and had recently taken her two eldest daughters to visit her family in the South Farthing. “That’s two less we have to worry about.”

Frodo did not like to say that they probably would have been better off with Arabella, at least, there. She was only a few years younger than Reggie.

Frodo decided to take a look into the room, and Reggie copied. What they saw did not make them feel any better about their job.

Pimpernel and Reggie’s youngest sister, Yolanda, were frowning at Pervinca, Peregrin, Everard and Ferdibrand Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. There appeared to be differing opinions of what game they should be playing. In a corner by herself, Pearl Took, the eldest of Paladin’s daughters, was quietly reading, obviously relieved of her duties as Lalia’s attendant for the day.

Frodo and Reginard paled. Having Pearl there wasnot a good thing. She was almost into her tweens, and knew that she was pretty. Her new favourite pastime had become flirting with all of the lads she could find close to her age. Reggie was quite often her chosen prey, since he lived in the Smials with her, but when Frodo came to visit, she often directed her affections at him.

The two lads moved away from the door before they were noticed. Frodo tried to smile. “We should be able to handle them, even with Pearl there. I mean, I grew up in Brandy Hall, and I always had to look after my Brandybuck cousins. And you have four younger siblings…”

Reginard shook his head. “You’re fooling yourself, Frodo. Did you even see who was in there? This isn’t a group of Brandybucks – it’s six Tooks, and a Brandybuck who’s more than half-Took. And you know how bad it gets when you have Pippin and Merry together or Everard and Ferdi. All four of them are in there right now, along with Pervinca, two lasses who are obviously in a bad mood and Miss Pearl Took, who would like nothing better than to corner us and cover us with kisses.” Reggie gulped. “We’re done for.”

* * * * * *

Adelard had returned to the drawing room. The group of hobbits inside looked up at him expectantly. “Well?” asked Ferdinand Took.

“I convinced Reggie and Frodo to look over the children for us,” Adelard proudly announced. The rest of the hobbit parents cheered. None of them had wanted to miss out on trying the new game that Saradoc Brandybuck had been taught by his uncle.

“He’s a good lad, my Frodo,” Bilbo Baggins stated.

Adelard sat next to him. With his wife away, Adelard had offered to pair with Bilbo for Saradoc’s game. The rest of the hobbits had paired with their respective spouses: Paladin and Eglantine, Saradoc and Esmeralda, and Ferdinand and Aster.

“Let’s not forget this!” Esmeralda giggled, drawing forth a bottle of the old Vinyards. The hobbits cheered again. It was going to be a fun afternoon.

* * * * * *

“This is going to be the worst afternoon of our lives,” Reggie sighed.

Frodo was inclined to agree, but knew that if this was their fate, they were going to have to face up to it eventually. “Come on, Reggie. We’ll have to go in there eventually.”

It was Pippin who first noticed the arrival of his two elder cousins. He broke into a huge grin. “Frodo! Reggie!”

Upon seeing his brother, Everard immediately pleaded his case. “Reggie, Yolanda is being unreasonable.” He was going through a stage in which he used a new, large word every week. “She wants me to play Families, and to be married to her.” Everard pointed at Pervinca, distastefully.

Unable to control himself, Reggie teased his sister. “Aren’t you and Pim a little old to be playing Families, Yolanda?”

Yolanda scowled at him. “There was nothing better to do! Father and Uncle Paladin made us stay here and said to find something to do.”

“Are you here to look after us?” Merry asked.

“I suppose we are,” Reggie replied. From the corner of his eye he could see that Pearl was smiling at him, very saucily. He swallowed hard. “Father said the grown-ups have some important business to attend to, and don’t want you lot running around, causing trouble.”

Pearl had now put down her books. It had not been particularly interesting, and in no way compared to having two of her favourite handsome lads in the same room. “Perhaps Reggie and Frodo have some idea of what you can do,” she offered, with a flutter of her eyelashes.

Frodo and Reggie moved a little closer to each other, both of them blushing. The way Pearl was looking at them was unnerving. Frodo suspected it may have been how the spiders of Mirkwood had regarded the dwarves.

That gave him an idea. “I could tell you a story!”

Unfortunately, his suggestion was not met with much enthusiasm. Ferdi rolled his eyes. “We’ve heard plenty of stories this past week.”

Pimpernel nodded. “With the rain, and Uncle Bilbo visiting, it’s been nothing but tale after tale. That’s why we wanted to play Families.”

Frodo looked at Reggie, who simply shrugged. He sank onto the floor. “Well, I’m out of ideas.”

Pippin crawled into Frodo’s lap. “You can tell me stories, Frodo.”

Frodo ruffled the lad’s hair. “Thank you, Pip.” He glanced at Pippin’s sister. “Pearl, I don’t suppose you have any suggestions?”

Pearl did not think that her idea of finding out whether Frodo or Reggie was a better kisser would be greeted warmly, so she desperately tried to think of something else. Finally, she cleared her throat. “Perhaps, instead of telling stories, we could act them out.”

Pervinca’s eyes brightened. “Like an Adventure game?”

“In a way, but I’m afraid you’ll have to keep your adventures to the playroom.”

Frodo digested Pearl’s suggestion. He had to admit that it was a good one. Pearl could certainly come up with some good ideas when she put her mind to it. He glanced at Pimpernel and Yolanda, expecting them to object, but they seemed just as interested as the rest. Frodo then remembered that Pimpernel had recently taken an interest in acting – which was possibly one of the reasons she had wanted to play Families earlier.

“Well, Reggie, what do you think?” he finally asked.

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” replied Reggie. “Good thinking Pearl.” Pearl blushed an unfathomable shade of red at his compliment.

“Which story should we act out?” Ferdi asked.

“One of Uncle Bilbo’s stories!” Merry cried. “The one about the trolls.” Strangely enough, that had been one of Merry’s favourite stories.

The rest of the children soon agreed, so it was time to delegate roles. Frodo was unanimously cast as Gandalf, being the eldest there, and Reggie, similarly, earned the role of Thorin. Since it had been his idea, Merry named himself as Bilbo. Pippin, Pervinca and Everard wanted to be the three trolls (and Frodo thought this would work well, considering how frequently Pervinca and Everard bickered).

The hobbits then struck a problem – they only had four remaining hobbits to fill the roles of twelve dwarves. They decided to pick out the most important of the dwarves (on the basis of whom Frodo had heard Bilbo speak the most about), and soon Pearl was playing Balin, Pimpernel and Yolanda were Fili and Kili, and Ferdibrand was to be Bombur. (He complained about this at first, since they all knew that Bombur had been the fattest of the dwarves, but he was quickly silenced when his companions reminded him that Bombur had also complained the most.)

With that settled, it was time to get on with the tale. Frodo sat to the side, since his character would be missing for most of the story.

Reggie puffed out his chest, and tried to look like a dwarvish King. “Bilbo, you must go and inspect that fire-light…”

“Wait!” Pimpernel cried. “You can’t just send Merry off to inspect a fire that doesn’t exist.” She tipped out the contents of one of the cribs they had been using for Families. It was soon refilled with orange and red materials, and made quite a good fire. The rest of the hobbits drew from her enthusiasm, and tried to make themselves more like their characters.

Frodo found a large grey blanket, which made a good cloak. They managed to find hats for all the dwarves, too. Everard and Pippin took their shirts off (fortunately it was quite warm in the playroom) and simply wore their breeches. It would not have been proper for Pervinca to do so, but they managed to find another pair of breeches to fit her, and she wore Everard’s shirt with it. Merry remained as he was – after all, Bilbo was a hobbit, too, and Merry’s first cousin twice removed at that!

Finally, they were ready to begin again. Reggie repeated his line to Merry, feeling much more like the King Under the Mountain this time around. “Hoot like an owl if you cannot come back.”

Merry nodded, and walked in the direction of Pimpernel’s fire. “Confusticate these dwarves!” he grumbled as he went, and Frodo had to suppress a snicker. Merry had sounded just like Bilbo! He would have to tell the elder hobbit about it later.

Pervinca, Everard and Pippin had huddled around the fire with brooms representing their mutton on sticks.

“Roast mutton, it’s always mutton,” Everard complained.

“Shut yer mouth!” Pervinca sneered, liking her line perhaps a little too much. Her father would have never allowed her to say that. “You can’t expect people to come along and get et by you two. This ‘ere mutton is good, and better than yer deserve.”

Merry stealthily crept up behind Pervinca, and reached into her pocket. She slapped him, at first, but then remembered her character, and grabbed him by the wrist. “Blimey, look what I’ve copped!”

“What is it?” asked Ev.

“Can you eat it?” Pippin chimed.

“What are you?” Pervinca demanded.

“I’m a bur…a hobbit!” Merry stammered.

“A burrahobbit?” Everard cried. “Can you eat them?” He seemed to have forgotten that Pippin had already asked this. He grabbed Merry from Pervinca.

“Naw, too small. Hardly make a mouthful,” Pervinca replied.

“We could make a pie.” Pippin poked Merry. “Are there more of you?”

“Yes, lots! I mean, no, none at all!” Merry grinned, but quickly returned to character. “Please don’t eat me, sirs. I’ll cook you such a lovely meal.”

“Poor little blighter,” said Pervinca, shaking her head sadly. Frodo was finding it increasingly more difficult to keep a straight face. “Let him go!”

“Not ‘til he explains, lots and none at all, you fat fool!” Everard growled.

“Shut yer mouth!” Pervinca repeated her favourite line, before tackling Everard. They wrestled on the floor. Merry, now free, scuttled away.

Pearl now entered the merry mix. “Bilbo, what’s happening? Where are you?”

Pippin squealed, and Pervinca and Ev stopped their fight. Pippin threw a blanket over Pearl.

“Lots and none at all,” Everard laughed. “No burrahobbits, but plenty of dwarves. They’ll make a fine meal!”

“Out of the light!” said Pippin, and the three “trolls” moved away from the “fire”.

Pimpernel came next, and was covered by a blanket before she had a chance to speak. Yolanda was handled in a similar way. Seeing what had happened to his cousins, Ferdi was a bit warier.

“You shall not capture me!” he cried. None of the hobbits knew if Bombur had actually said this, but Bilbo had always told them that Bombur had put up a good fight. Ferdi was eventually bagged.

Finally, Reggie came along.

“Thorin, watch out!” Merry cried. “There are three ugly trolls!” Pervinca scowled at her cousin for calling her ugly.

“Trolls?” Reggie cried. “Well, we’ll see about that!” He dodged the blanket Everard tried to throw on him. Reggie jabbed the trolls with his fingers once or twice, but was careful not to injure his brother or cousins. After a few moments of this, he let Pervinca “bag” him.

“Now, what should we do with them?” Pippin asked.

“I say roast ‘em,” said Everard.

Frodo cleared his throat, and tried to mimic Pervinca’s voice (somewhat unsuccessfully). “No good roasting ‘em now, it’ll take all night.”

“Shut up, or it will take all night,” Everard growled.

“Who are yer talking to?” Pervinca demanded. “You’ve gone batty. Let’s mince ‘em and boiling ‘em.”

This time, Frodo impersonated Pippin. “But we ain’t got no water!”

“You can go and fetch the water yerself!” Pervinca snapped. “You’re a booby.”

“Sit on ‘em and squash ‘em into jelly, I say!” said Pippin.

“Start with the one in yellow stockings,” said Ev. “He gave a right deal of trouble.”

“It was grey!” called Frodo.

“No, yellow.”

“Yellow, it is,” said Pervinca.

“Yer said grey.”

“Did not.”

“Dawn is coming,” piped Pippin.

“Dawn take you all, and be stone to you!” Frodo cried.

Pippin, Pervinca and Everard all froze, and tried to remain still, but the giggles had taken them, and soon all three of them were holding their sides and laughing. Frodo and Merry joined in, and Pearl, Pimpernel, Reggie, Ferdi and Yolanda threw away the blankets covering them to join the laughter.

* * * * * *

The rest of the afternoon passed in much the same way. Frodo, Merry, Reggie and Pearl were rescued from Pimpernel, Yolanda and Ferdi (now being goblins) by Pippin, Pervinca and Everard (as the eagles). After lunch, Merry rescued them all from Frodo and Reggie (who became spiders), and later crammed them into imaginary barrels.

But all the excitement was wearing Pippin out. One particularly loud yawn brought attention to him, and made Frodo and Reggie realise how late it was. Pearl saw it too, and excused herself – she had to check on old Aunt Lalia.

As she left the room, Eglantine Took and Esmeralda Brandybuck appeared at the door. Eglantine took her almost sleeping son from Frodo’s arms.

“Thank you for looking after them, Frodo,” she said.

“You’re welcome Aunt Eglantine,” Frodo replied. “We had a lot of fun.”

Eglantine and Esmeralda left with Pippin, Pervinca, Pimpernel and Merry. Aster Took soon arrived to collect Ferdi, and finally Adelard and Bilbo arrived.

“Well, lads, you seem to have survived,” Adelard joked.

Reggie regarded his father with a look somewhere between anger and amusement. “I certainly hope you will not need to ask it of us again.”

Adelard and Bilbo exchange grins. An afternoon of card games, wine and good company while the children were watched over by Reggie and Frodo was too good to pass up – if it ever should occur again. Adelard placed a hand on his eldest son’s shoulder. “Yes, Reggie. Let’s hope so.”

As Frodo and Bilbo returned to their guestroom, Bilbo asked, “So what did you do with the children all afternoon?”

Frodo smiled. “We taught them how to roast mutton.”

The End

A/N: As you may have noticed, I…borrowed a few lines and scenes from “The Hobbit – Chapter 2: Roast Mutton”. Of course, they were altered just a little. The game the children were playing (“Families”) is basically a hobbit version of House. I just figured they wouldn’t call it that, considering many hobbits don’t live in houses!

I hope you all enjoyed this. I can never get enough of young hobbit stories. They’re so cute!