It’s All Relative

9 Afteryule, 1419 SR

“And then there was Felicity Burrows,” Pippin was saying to the dwarf as they came back from wood gathering. “She’s Frodo’s fourth cousin on his mother’s side. A sweet lass, but not very bright. She and Frodo had absolutely nothing to talk about.”

“And what are you two talking about?” Frodo asked, not sure he really wanted to know and fearing he already did.

The Company was camping in the quiet empty planes of Hollin. They were only two and a half weeks out from Rivendell and so far had not encountered any dangers. The companions were taking the opportunity to get to know each other better and often spent the nights between dinner and slumber telling each other about their homelands, families and adventures.

Pippin and Gimli unloaded their bundles of wood and sat down. “This young one here asked me if I had a lass waiting for me back home,” Gimli said as way of an explanation. He seemed amused that Pippin had not only thought to ask him such a question, but been bold enough to speak it.

“And so he asked me if any of us had any lasses waiting back home,” Pippin continued. “So I started telling him about all the lasses Aunt Esme’s tried to set you up with Frodo.”

Frodo moaned with embarrassment. “Oh, Pippin. You didn’t.”

“I did,” Pippin assured, not at all abashed. “I was just telling him about Felicity. That was at Yule twenty years ago. Frodo was only thirty at the time, and Esme was a long way from giving up on him settling down like a respectable hobbit. Even now, she still has hope, because at Yule the year before last, well two years ago now, was Iris Bolger. She’s his fourth cousin once removed on his mother’s side, and his third cousin on his father’s side.”

Gandalf, by now long familiar with the complexity of hobbit family relations, sat back and puffed on his pipe, eager to see what the others would make of the tangled family trees. Aragorn, who had met Bilbo on many occasions in Rivendell and had become fast friends with the old hobbit, had heard this all before and was more prepared for the explanations than the others were. Legolas, centuries old and with a long memory, had little trouble understanding the degrees of relations of which the young hobbit spoke. Gimli only shook his head and wondered why anyone would bother keeping track of relations so far back. Boromir looked baffled.

He scratched his beard thoughtfully, trying to sort it out on his own. Failing that, he made one of the biggest blunders one could possibly make when speaking to a hobbit. “What does that mean ‘once removed’? And what makes one a fourth cousin?”

Merry sat up, eager to explain. “It means that Iris’s great- great- great-grandfather, or third-great-grandfather, was Frodo’s second-great grandfather’s brother,” he said with finality.

Legolas smiled softly at the exchange. This could prove to be a rather interesting conversation. He sat himself down and settled in to see what would unfold. Aragorn and Gandalf laughed quietly, both of them pitying Boromir, who had no idea what he was getting himself into, although he had enough experience with the hobbits by now that he really should have known better. Gimli only shook his head again. Clearly, no one would ever need to know who was related to who’s great- great- great-grandfather to any degree, so he saw no point in keeping track. Boromir shook his head. That explanation was obviously not what he had in mind.

“But how does that make her his fifth cousin once removed?” he attempted again. These Halflings grew more complicated with each day he knew them.

“It doesn’t,” Merry said. “Frodo doesn’t have a female fifth cousin once removed. Iris is his fourth cousin once removed, and his third cousin, as it goes. Felicity is his fourth cousin,” he corrected, in a tone that suggested even a bairn could figure that out.

“But where does the three and four come from?” Boromir attempted again. “And the once removed? How can you be removed?”

“And do you think it would be possible to use someone other than Iris or Felicity as an example?” Frodo asked, still embarrassed about the original topic that had started this conversation.

Merry stood and picked up a twig from the pile of firewood Gimli and Pippin had just brought. He smoothed out the dirt on the ground and stood as if he were an tutor giving a lesson to his pupil.

“It’s really quite simple,” he began. “Let’s start with me and Pippin.” He drew two boxes in the dirt. “He’s my first cousin. His father is my mother’s brother, or my uncle. Likewise, my mother is his aunt.” He drew another box indicating his uncle and a circle for his mother, and attached all the shapes by a series of lines.

Boromir nodded. That was simple enough. Maybe this wouldn’t be so complicated after all.

Merry continued. “Pippin has three sisters.” Three more circles were drawn. “Pearl, his oldest sister, has two children, my first cousins once removed. When they have children, they will be my first cousins twice removed.”

Boromir nodded again. This was really quite easy to understand and he was starting to feel silly for being confused earlier. That feeling would not last long however.

“Now, for Frodo,” Merry went on. “Frodo is my grandfather’s nephew, or his sister’s son.” More shapes and lines were drawn, so swiftly even Legolas had difficulty keeping track. “Which makes him my father’s first cousin, and my first cousin once removed on his mother’s side. Now, on his father’s side” – he moved over and smoothed out another patch of dirt – “it gets a little more complicated.”

“A little more?” Boromir asked as Merry began drawing more lines and shapes. His head was swimming. What had he started?

“My great- great- great-grandfather on my mother’s side is Frodo’s great- great-grandfather on his father’s side, which makes him our third cousin once removed.” He smiled and looked up from his neatly organized family tree. “See?”

Boromir shook his head. “I’m afraid you lost me shortly after ‘It’s really quite simple’.”

Legolas and Gandalf laughed. Aragorn, who understood family trees quite well, had even become lost during Merry’s explanation. He stared at the markings in the ground, a map of confusing lines, boxes and circles. Gimli snorted loudly, waking himself up from a short doze. Pippin and Frodo nodded approvingly; that had been a very astute explanation to their ears.

Sam, who had been listening to the whole conversation as he groomed the pony, put down the currycomb and came over to the fire. He looked down at the ground and shook his head. “May I, sir?” he asked.

Merry nodded and handed him the stick. Sam smoothed the dirt clear and tossed the stick onto the fire. He placed his hands behind his back, like he did when he was speaking poetry, and began to explain in more simple terms.

“Your first, second and third cousins and so on are the generations going backward until you come to your first common ancestor. So, if you go back one generation to your parents’ siblings, the common ancestor being your grandparents, any children born to your aunts or uncles are your first cousins. One generation, first cousin, see? Another way to remember it is this: your grandparents’ grandchildren are your first cousins, them as aren’t your siblings anyway; and your great-grandparents’ great-grandchildren are your second cousins; and so on.

“Your cousins once, twice or three times removed are the generations going forward. If your first cousin has a child, that’s the first new generation, so that’s your first cousin once removed. If that cousin has a child, you’re now two generations ahead, and that’s your first cousin twice removed, and so forth. However, when you go back a generation, you have to remember that your removes go back one as well.”

Sam finished his lesson with a nod and the other hobbits smiled their approval. That was an elementary way of approaching the subject; even a faunt could follow that.

Boromir nodded. “Thank you Sam. That makes things much more clear. So, my grandmother’s sister’s daughter’s child would be my second cousin once removed?”

The hobbits paused for the slightest beat, glancing amongst themselves. They knew Boromir was wrong, for the correct answer to his example would be his second cousin with no removes, but they quickly decided not to press the subject any further tonight. It was better to let the man sleep on it so they could start fresh again in the morning. They turned back to Boromir and smiled sweetly. “Close enough. I think you’re getting it, Master Boromir,” Sam said, for the man had at least got the ‘second cousin' part right.

“Congratulations Sam,” Merry said, impressed with his friend’s simple and effective approach. “I knew Frodo kept you around for a reason.”

“He certainly does. He couldn't cook to save his life afore I finally broke down and taught him,” Sam said cheekily.

“I wasn't that bad of a cook!” Frodo exclaimed, to which his cousins were only too eager to disagree. The rest of the night was spent relating all of their various cooking disasters and successes.  

Later that night, Legolas woke up to relieve Boromir, who had taken the first watch. Boromir was looking out over the darkened land, a thoughtful expression on his noble face. Legolas smiled as he sat next to his friend.

“You still don’t understand it, do you?” he asked.

Boromir shook his head. “No, but I had a feeling they wouldn’t stop explaining until I told them I did.” He stood up, little guessing his doom, and went to his sleeping roll for a well-deserved rest, leaving the elf laughing silently.
 
 

The end.
 
 

GF 7/4/04