At the Sign of the Green Dragon

"You have reached the Green Dragon. Don't bother leaving a message; nobody here will listen to it anyhow. Just come on down and tell us yourself. We'll have a mug ready for you when you get here." (beep)

At the Tower of Orthanc, Part 1

You have reached the palantir of Saruman the Wise. If you have reached this message, I am probably out gloating over my war machine, or having trees cut down. Leave a message at the groan and I will get back to you when my nails are dry. Or stay on the line and I'll send some Uruk-Hai out to get you...

At the Tower of Orthanc, Part 2

You have reached the palantir of Saruman the Wise. Please listen
carefully--menu options have changed.

To speak to Gandalf the White, press 1.

To speak to the fool of a Took, press 2.

To leave a message for the Heir of Isildur, press 3.

To report a sighting of the Ring-bearer, press 4.

If there is battle in progress, please hang up and call 911.

To repeat these options, press 8.

To end this call. press 9.

At the Tower of Barad-Dur

You have reached the palantir of the Dark Tower.

To report a sighting of the Ring-bearer, press 1.

To report spies within Mordor, press 2.

To leave a message for the Dark Lord, press 3.

To report some treachery on Saruman's part, press 4.

If you are a Ringwraith reporting transportation problems, press 5.

To leave a message for the operator, press the star key now. Or stay on the line and a Ringwraith will be with you directly...

The Palantir in the White City

You have reached the palantir in the city of Minas Tirith. We're sorry, but we cannot complete your call. Please hold.

Inanely cheery music, commonly heard whilst "on hold"

"O the fire is slowly dying, and my dear, we're still good-bying..."

Rivendell

You have reached this number in error. Elves do not need telephones. They transcend time, you see, living in the present moment. If you have a song to sing, sing it in the Hall of Fires, unless you can find a convenient tree to perch in. If you are a Mortal, do not weary the Elves by asking them to distinguish who wrote which part. If you are the Dark Lord, we do not have to talk to you unless... well, you know the rest, we don't have to spell it out for you.

When the beep sounds, do not waste your time leaving a message. We are busy singing, or eating, or sitting and thinking, or riding out on errantry. We have all the time in the world, but no time to listen to messages, unless they are brought by proper messengers.

(click)

Lothlorien

You have reached Lothlorien. Stay on the line and the Lady will read your heart and mind and reveal to you the depths of your soul.

(ethereal music)

Since you did not hang up whilst the Lady was probing your deepest thoughts and ambitions, you are worthy. Be welcome.

In the House of Tom Bombadil

Ho, Tom Bombadil! Tom Bombadillo!
Blue is his coat, and his boots are yellow.
If you are hearing this, I am not at home-ing;
Fair lady Goldberry and her Tom are roaming.

Leave us a message;
Try to make it rhyme.
If you keep in rhythm,
We'll call back when we've the time!

In the Golden Hall

Where is the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing?
Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing?
Where is the hand on the harpstring, and the red fire glowing?
Where is the spring and the harvest and the tall corn growing?
They have passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow;
The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow.
Who shall gather the smoke of the dead wood burning,
Or leaving your number and name, your call returning?

[beep]

(all but the last line authored by J.R.R. Tolkien...)

Stupid LOTR Phone Trick (Suitable for Sleepovers)

Please don't try this at home; I think it's probably illegal.

(dial a phone number, preferably someone you know who loves you no matter what stupid things you do--much better than harassing a total stranger)

Giggly female voice: Hello, is Legolas there?

(dial same number)

Different female voice: Hello, I was calling for Legolas...

(dial same number)

Yet another female voice: Hi, Legolas?

(dial same number)

Still another giggly female voice: Legolas! I've been trying to get a-hold of you all night!

(dial same number)

Male voice: This is Legolas. Were there any calls for me?

This is for Orophins Dottir, who came up with the idea in the first place.

In the Halls of the Elven King

(ring-ring. ring-ring. ring-ring)

You have reached Greenwood the Great. (whispered aside) No, I am not going to say "Mirkwood"! It's Greenwood! I don't care what...

Ahem. You have reached Greenwood the Great. If you are calling for Legolas, he's... (whispered aside) What? The butler got into the wine again??? Lock him up in one of the holes we put dwarves in and I'll deal with him later... now where was I? O yes...

Ahem. If you are calling for Legolas, I have no idea where he's gone or when he'll be back. He was supposed to call me when he reached Imladris, but you know how these irresponsible, light-hearted... (whispered aside) What?

(beep)

The Dark Tower, F.A.

The number you have reached is no longer in service, has been changed, or has been disconnected.