A/N:  Welcome to Part Three of The Measure of Love, the love story of Frodo and Sam, this time focusing on their time physically apart after Frodo departs for the West, containing all the usual - no slash, lots of angst in the beginning and lots of love throughout.  The love story of Frodo and his Creator continues as well. This may be slower in coming that the other sections and will, I anticipate, be much shorter but one never knows with the muse, does one? :).  The first few chapters are going to be very angsty as one would except when you leave half of your heart and soul behind so they may beyond a 'G' rating, but the majority of it will be 'G' I think.  You don't need to have read the first two parts to follow this as it can stand on its own.  I hope you will enjoy!

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Chapter One: Looking East, Looking West

My dearest Sam, you said you wanted to know everything that happened me while we were apart. Do you truly? Yes, I know you do. But do I want to tell you? Do I want you to know that I have not yet healed, that I am beginning to despair of ever healing? Do I want you to know that I cried myself to sleep each night I was on the boat and the few I have spent here, that I have woken up each morning with less hope and more fear that I have made the most terrible mistake and that I should have never left you and Merry and Pippin and the Shire?

I so long to return to you all, to Rose and Elanor and Frodo-lad, but I know that is impossible. I can not return. I felt I had to leave, but now that is my biggest regret, I who am crushed by regrets. Still I must go on. I must hope because I have nothing but despair left if I do not. It claws at me day and night and I am so tired of fighting it, but I continue to do so in the hope that you will come. You must. And I must be healthy when you do. I will not hurt you anymore by not being healed.

And I know it’s much too early to despair. I’ve only been here eight days, but it’s so different. I hope one day it will be wonderful, I sense that is coming, but right now, it’s too much. I am writing this on the beach that I saw when I first came here, the one place that is closest to you and my cousins and my king and practically all I’ve ever known. I sit here and stare out over the water, to the east and think of you and think of you and think of you. I wonder how you and Merry and Pippin are doing, what you are doing, what Elanor is doing, how Rosie is doing with your second bairn growing within. I have spent practically every moment here. Bilbo is already threatening to rent out my room to someone else. He jokes but he is worried about me.

I know I was ill the day after I left. I remember nothing of it, but I know it was bad. Just looking into Bilbo’s eyes is enough to know that I have broken his heart once more as much as it has broken mine that I am still so shattered that the illnesses follow me even here. Even Gandalf’s eyes are more sorrowful than I have ever seen them. That an entire day passed when we were moving further and further away from you and my cousins and everyone and I wasn’t even aware of it hurts so much. When it was already the 7^th, I stayed on deck for hours, looking back east as I stay everyday now at the beach, looking back. When are you coming, my dear Sam? I don’t know how much more I can stand not having you here. I feel like I’m only breathing with one lung, beating with only half a heart. I felt this destroyed when my parents died. But in time that torment stilled and I have to hope I won’t always miss you this much because I think I will go mad otherwise. I’m as torn apart as I ever was but instead of a Ring doing it, I’m in one place when I long with my entire mind, heart, body and soul to be in another. To be back in my own home, in my own bed, surrounded by my books, your garden, to be laughing at Pippin’s jokes and sharing a mug with Merry and to be with you, my Sam, enveloped in your arms and your love never to leave again. Come soon, my brother. Please.

* * *

Hullo, my Frodo dear. How are you? Oh now, isn’t that a ninnyish way of starting out? I feel like crossing it out and starting over again, but neither you or Mr. Bilbo have any mistakes in your part of the story and I don’t want mine to be the first to mar this marvelous book of yours. You can tell though as plain as plain that I don’t have the way with words you two did. But you said to write what was in my heart and that is you, my dear. I spend part of each day looking out west. I don’t even know how long I do, sometimes I think it’s for hours. I worry about you so much. Not an hour, let a day, goes by that I don’t wonder how you are doing, whether you are getting better, whether you are warm enough and get enough sleep and eat enough. That you are being well taken care of, I have no doubt, but still it’s that hard that I’m not there to do it myself. I don’t know how I stood it to be not beside you on the 6^th. You were ill again, weren’t you? Or was being among the Elves enough to keep the darkness away? I don’t know and I so fear you did take another turn and I wasn’t there to help you through it. Of course, Mr. Gandalf and Mr. Bilbo and Elves a-plenty were so you certainly didn’t lack for help, but to be without your Sam!

And your Sam to be without his Frodo. I miss you something fierce, dear. You said I shouldn’t always be torn in two, but I still am. You have always held half of my heart just as Rose has held the other. How am I supposed to live with only half a heart now that you are gone? But I will. I don’t blame you at all for leaving. My heart twisted, broke and shattered when you left and I know yours did too. I know it had been breaking for a long time before that and you chose to leave, not because you wanted to, but because you had to. My heart had broke right along with yours and it is still that shattered but I know one day it will heal. You taught me that when my mum died and I didn’t think I would ever be happy or even be able to breathe right again. My heart will be fuller with all the children and joy you foresaw for me. Mr. Merry said you haven’t really left us, that you are still here in so many ways. When I’m stronger I am going to start looking for you here and I know I will find you.

You are getting better, aren’t you? It would break my heart even more if you weren’t, that your last, desperate hope betrayed you. I’ve read your book and I cried that hard to see how desperate you really were. I know it’s not my fault for lack of trying to help you, to carry all I could of your terrible pain, but still I wonder what more I could have done. I marvel at you were able to bear it, then I realize you left because you couldn’t. And no one and nothing could help you in Middle-earth, no matter how much we loved you and wanted to help you.

It’s only a few days since I got back from the Havens so I’m still in shock, as I suppose you would call it. Rosie has been so wonderful, so understanding. She is the most perfect, loving, caring, gentle hobbit who has ever lived. Just as you are, my dear. She has been just as much a blessing to my life as you have and I have still no idea what I have done to deserve either you.

I so hope you are happy where you went. I wonder a lot about what it’s like there and I am so anxious to see it for myself, but you’re right, my life is here right now and as much as I want to be with you, I also want to be with my Rose and see our children grow up.

Wait for me, though, dear. I will come.

Good night now and sleep well. I love you. Since I can’t kiss you goodnight, I will kiss this page and hope you can somehow still feel it. Call me a ninnyhammer if you’d like for doing something so silly. I would love to be called anything if only I could hear your voice again.

Chapter Two:  Hard to Breathe

I miss you so much, my Sam, it hurts to breathe. I miss everyone and everything else too. I keep repeating to myself over and over and over until I think I will go mad what Gandalf told me while we were on the ship here, that I wasn’t wounded in a day and I wouldn’t be healed in a day, but I am so very tired of hurting. I’m not feeling any better, in fact, I’m worse because I miss you and everyone so much. And I still hear the call of the Ring. It has been so long a part of me that I still cannot separate it from who I am. And it has followed me even here, a hated shadow, mocking my attempts to heal and be rid of it.

The only thing that has kept me from total despair is the hope that I will see you again. I have to see you again, dearheart, you must be coming. I don’t know when, but I have to hope you are, even as all my other hopes die around me. I have to believe that I will one day feel you hold me again, talk to me, sing to me and look at me with that bottomless love you have always held me for me whether I’ve deserved it or not. Every night I hold out my hand for you to hold and I do feel it - I do.

Bilbo has also taken to holding me at times so I can sleep, just like you used to so many times. He started doing that when in the middle of the first night here, I crawled into his bed. He said I must have still been asleep when I did because I didn’t respond when he called out to me, just curled up beside him. He put his arm around me and I placed my head over his heart. He said I had been shaking, but I stopped after I was next to him. I guess I just needed someone near. You’ve spoiled me too much, dearest brother mine, to being able to sleep well on my own. I still cry a lot at night and it’s just so much easier not to be alone. I love having Bilbo near, but I’m sorry I can’t get better. I know it worries him as it worries me, but he is so kind and comforting. Usually he lets go once he knows I’m asleep and then I can remain asleep, unless the nightmares come and then he holds me again until I calm again.

I don’t always remember those dreams, but I know I’ve had them. I wake in Bilbo’s arms, sweat soaked and shivering. He has been such a blessing to me here, but I know he is frightened by how much I still suffer. I can see his guilt. I hear him apologizing over and over for burdening me with the Ring and begging for my forgiveness. I hate to see him suffer like that as much as he hates watching me. I keep reassuring him that I don’t blame him, that none of this is his fault. And I think it helps him, helps us both for a little bit, then the shadows crowd in again and we have to struggle again to push them away. His love is keeping me alive as much as yours is. I have felt him stroke my curls as I’ve been held in his lap. I’ve heard him talk and softly sing and it reminds me so much of better, happier times. I am so grateful to him, I cannot even tell you. Sometimes it is the only way I can get to sleep, but he shouldn’t have to do it every night. He is so old, Sam. He doesn’t need this burden.

I think I am being protected from remembering my dreams by the One I came here to be healed by. I think if I did recall them I would probably go mad because everything is so intense here, magnified like it was at Lothlorien. Colors are more vibrant, almost alive. Sounds are crisper. Touch and smell are more distinct. Emotions are much deeper.

I know all of this is not to hurt me further, just simply the way things are here and I look forward to the day I hope is coming when my joys will be as deep as my pain is now, but it is so hard right now, my Sam, so hard.

* * *

I miss you so bad, my dear, that I can barely breathe at times. It’s been that hard since you left. I remember what I had said to you about the Ring never letting you go and you said that you couldn’t let it go. I got you to Mordor, but I could not bring you back. That hurts more than anything just realizing that anew. When you had nightmares and you were any place but in your own bed and I held you and murmured to you what comforts I could and sang to you, I always wondered what more I could do to help you. It never seemed to be enough for me, but it always seemed to be enough for you. You would always calm and you would fall back to sleep. I think you just needed to know that someone was near, that you weren’t alone. But you were in many ways that I am only now beginning to truly understand. You had always believed you would not make it back to the Shire and you didn’t, did you, my dear? Your body did and I know your heart and soul tried so hard to also, but they just couldn’t. They were still there in the fire, as though at a grave of a loved one. Was that it? Did you love the Ring more than the Shire, more than us? I remember how terrified I was that you were going to let go of that ledge. I remember the look in your eyes, begging me for permission to do just that. Did you feel then what I and Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin are feeling now? That with the thing you loved most lost, there was no point in going on?

Oh, I can’t believe I just wrote that. Forgive me, my dear. Please. I know very well you loved us more. I watched helplessly for months as that despicable Ring twisted you inside out, but you kept going and it was love that gave you the strength to take another step, another breath, love for all of Middle-earth. I thought I understood what you were feeling, what you were going through, but after reading what you wrote... You said you had written what was in your heart. Oh, my dear, my dear. Your pain ran much deeper than I knew. How you stood it, I don’t know. Then I realize you couldn’t. That enrages me and sets me to sobbing so hard I’m sure Rose thinks I’ll have a fit and die right then and there. Sometimes I wish I could because I don’t know how I am going to go on without you. I know you want me to be happy, and Rose and Elanor and Frodo-lad, even though he’s not even born yet, do give me joy, but sometimes I just get that mad at the unfairness that you gave everything to keep the Shire and everyone safe and you had everything taken from you as a result. We had everything taken too for you meant everything to us, to me, to Mr. Merry, to Mr. Pippin. We’ve been walking around like the dead these past few months. We don’t know what to do with ourselves. You were our life, our heart, our soul and now you’re gone.

Now, here I go again...if I keep crying, I am going to smear all the ink in your book and wouldn’t that be a sight. Maybe I’ll just pause a little, close my eyes and the book, let the tears run out and then I’ll be able to write again. 

Chapter Three: The House of Iluvatar

It may surprise you, Sam, that the most beautiful place here is a small, almost completely dark room filled with a dozen long benches and lit by a single red lamp hung from the ceiling at the front. It softly illuminates the image of a sun that is placed in the center at the front. I have spent many hours here, just staring at the light and it never ceases to move me, to soothe me, to bring me peace that I so desperately need. Gandalf first brought me here after I had been here only a few days.

I had woken in tears that first morning to the sound of a beautiful, pure voice singing. I listened to it and I began to cry even harder. My heart, already broken by my pain and longing to be with you, broke again for the beauty of that voice, like it was coming from a being not even of this world. It calmed and comforted me, though I couldn’t understand all the words. I’ve heard it each day since and it never ceases to help ease my burden. I’m understanding more and more of the words as Bilbo is teaching me more and I’ve made a few acquaintances here also that are tutoring me as well, but I haven’t had the heart yet to truly apply myself to it. But even without my ear understanding everything, the song reached my heart and soul and was understood there. The melody and the love that pours from that voice I cannot even describe to you. You’ll have to hear it for yourself, my Sam, to really understand. Words fail utterly, but here is what I understand so far:

“To Eru, the Creator, the One of all, praise and thanksgiving for the day begun.

The Sun has arisen from her place of resting,

To warm the wide world with her bright shining rays.

We lift up our voices in songs of thanksgiving,

And join with all nature in singing Thy praise.

We look on the forests and fields and the rivers,

The majestic peaks and the hills and the dells;

And we, Thy children, cannot but extol Thee,

O Eru, our Lord who hast made all things well.

“To Manwe, praise for the Lord of the Breath of Arda and the winds that blow.

To Elbereth, praise for beauty beyond compare, for the light of the stars that guide us home.

To Ulmo, praise for the Lord of Waters on which we sail.

To Aule, praise for the Master and delighter of all crafts...”

There is more, but now upon reading it, I see that words truly do fail to describe what you hear.

I thought it was one voice originally, but the more I listened, I could hear minor variations and I’ve even begun to have my favorite. It is a sorely needed piece of peace, of calm in this world that still is so new and bright and sharp. Too sharp.

I asked Gandalf what the song was after hearing it for a few days and he smiled and took me to this room. He bowed deeply as he entered and after a moment so did I, though I did not understand why, then he brought me to the front and explained that that image and the lamp are symbols of Iluvatar’s Presence and love. He’s the One who created the Elves, Men and you and me and all hobbits. He’s the One I’ve been praying to, the One Who protected us on the Quest and helped me so much afterwards and I’ve been praying you will learn of His presence also and be helped by it.

“You have been His faithful servant, Frodo,” Gandalf told me in a quiet voice as I looked at the image and the lamp. But I could only think of how unfaithful I had been. Still there is something to this place, something that drove deep down into my soul and illuminated all the darkness still there. It is an awe-inspiring place to be and I can’t wait to show it to you. Gandalf then sat down and I next to him. The bench was so high that my feet dangled over the edge, but I felt I belonged. Remember when I told you that after I had nightmares before the Quest, I felt a Presence afterwards comforting me? It was Iluvatar, Sam. I’ve felt His presence before, but this is the first time I saw it with my physical eyes and not just the eyes of my heart. I was drawn to the lamp. It felt that it was welcoming me, inviting me in, just like the Light and Love I had felt before during some of the darkest times of life, after I had drawn Sting on you and so many other times. Gandalf continued to explain that this room was the primary place where Elves worshiped their Creator, who Gandalf also served. I felt like I was home. I didn’t want to leave. We sat there alone in the silence for a long time. Except during formal services that take place each day at dawn, there is no talking here, just looking at the lamp and listening. There is communication that takes place here deep within the heart and soul that needs no words.

Gandalf told me years ago that there were other Powers at work in the world than just those of evil and he’s told me more since then. The first time and all times I’ve come to this room and everywhere I go here, I feel surrounded by love, just like I was with my parents, Bilbo, you and my cousins. I realized all of that was a reflection of the Love that streamed out from that lamp into my battered, troubled heart. I leaned into Gandalf and sobbed very hard into his robes then, not so much because I was still so hurt, but more because I was sorry that I had failed this tremendous Love, that I had claimed the Ring and still want it even now. He held me silently until the tears finally stopped, then directly into my heart, I heard him singing.

Sleep now, dear one, and have no fear,

For none shall come to do you harm.

May Eru’s love surround you

And keep you safe from all alarm.

Sleep while Eru watches over you,

There shall be nothing to break your rest.

All the night through He’ll protect you

And your slumber will be blest.

Sleep now ’midst your woe

And know that whate’er you say or do

Though you may weak and weary

Eru will fore’er love you.

I fell asleep that night right there with Gandalf holding me and I him. When I woke, I was laying alone on the bench, but I felt more at peace than I had been since I had come. And looking at the lamp, I realized why. I had slept under that light, wrapped in such incredible Love and forgiveness. I felt my tears had been wiped away, my hurts bound and soothed. I cried more then because I still felt far from worthy of all I felt so strongly, but still it was given, to me, a broken, troubled, little hobbit. I can’t tell you how wonderful that felt. You and Merry and Pippin gave me so much of the same love, the same forgiveness and I felt often unworthy of that also, but still you gave and still I received it.

I have been back to that room many times since. I had forgotten how comforting the dark could be, but here in such dark, I am surrounded also by such Light. I can’t wait for you to see it, my Sam, and experience it for yourself.

I am far from healed, but I have hope now that I will be, more hope than I’ve had since I got here.

A/N: Gandalf’s song is from Galadriel.  The song of praise is from Galadriel and me.

Chapter Four: The Empty Room

I want to scream sometimes, dear. It hurts that much that you are away, a fortnight now since we returned without you. The most I usually do is cry in Rose’s arms and sometimes I’m afraid to do even that for fear I’ll never stop. Do you feel that way sometimes, too? What is your life like now? I keep wondering and I grieve that I really have no idea. It’s better than Rivendell or Lothlorien I’d guess and that was already special, but I feel that you are still grieving and that is what is hurting so much that I can’t be there to help you. Do you still have nightmares? Does Mr. Bilbo come to you when you do to hold you and comfort you? I know he must for he loves you as dearly as I do, if not more. But before he comes, when you wake, frightened and alone, do you sometimes wonder where you are?

Sometimes I have dreams we are back on our way to Mordor, trying to hide from the orcs and the Eye, so worn down by hunger and thirst and exhaustion we could barely move. It takes me a while to remember after I wake that it’s all over, that I’m safe in my own bed with Rose beside me and Elanor in her crib. The dreams are not at all pleasant, but I still hate waking from them because at least there I’m still with you and when I wake, you are gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again. I keep hoping I will, but oh, my dear, my dear, what if I don’t? What if I never know whether you’ll all right, that the last and greatest sacrifice you made, we all made, was worth the price? I try so hard not to listen to those whispers that come in the night that say so. Do they torment you still too? I know they did before you left. But then the morning comes and the voices fade and I know I’ll know. “Of course, you’ll see him again,” Rose says whenever I doubt. I don’t know how to knows, maybe she just hopes as much as I do or maybe it’s just plain-old hobbit sense.

Still I wish more than ever after those dreams, that you were still here. I cry that much after them. Do you have the same dreams and wake up and find yourself alone? Do you wish you were home? I know you said you were going home when you left. But this is your home, dear. You should be here in your own bed, your pillows stuffed and placed under your head just right, the blankets tucked under your chin. I should be able to walk in and just watch you sleep as I’ve loved to do since I was a child. You are so beautiful when you sleep, so very beautiful. But then you always are.

Your favorite chair is here, your walking stick, your books, your writing table. I should be able to watch you read at your favorite tree until you notice me and then leap up with greet me with that lovely smile of yours. I hope one day I will see that again, but it won’t be here, not outside of memory at least, and it should be here.

You shouldn’t have had to sacrifice everything. I keep going back to that thought. You gave so much already just to get to the Fire. You gave everything. Why did everything have to be taken away from you? That’s when I feel like screaming the most. It makes me that angry that you were so tormented and tortured, turned inside out by that despicable Ring, you who were and are the best hobbit that ever lived and least deserving of anything evil touching you. That’s when I have to get away, to go where I took you when you had to scream and then I let it out, all my grief and rage so blinding I’m frightened to death of it, then it’s gone, heard by no one by the birds and I feel better for it, until it comes again and I have to release it once more.

It was Rosie that recommended that maybe going into your bedroom would help. I’ve been avoiding doing that. Partly it not being my place to be there anymore. But mostly I think because of the memories, good and bad. Too much emptiness there now - just things, not you. A neatly made bed you will never sleep in again, clothes neatly pressed and hung that you will not wear again. Yesterday I stepped in though, closed the door and just stood there facing your empty bed. But that was hard! I started crying right then, but then the sun came in through the window and the sheets almost glowed. I remembered all the times I saw you sleeping here. Before the Ring, you always had a smile on our face when I’d come in the morning and I would wonder what you were dreaming about that made you so happy. You were so beautiful, the sun hitting you just right, adding to the light that already shone so brightly from you. I loved just standing there and watching you. Then you’d wake up and smile even larger when you saw me and I’d smile back and wonder as I did every day how I got to be so lucky to be working for you. I’d share a bit of breakfast with you, I would have already eaten but my second breakfast was your first and I loved having you all to myself before my chores began. You would ask me what I meant to do that day, would compliment me on the garden or other work I had done, and would tell me what you planned to do, all this with a large smile, love and light just flowing from you as it always did. Then after we came back from the Quest, tears and frowns replaced the smiles I had always seen but the love was still there.

When I entered your bedroom, I took a deep breath to see if there was anything of you left, but there wasn’t. I had waited too long. That was even worse than seeing your empty bed. You had made it so neatly the morning you left. I remembered all the times when you had merely tossed the sheets and blankets across the bed, so anxious you were to start your day, then later, when you didn’t care when it started. I remembered all the times I held you after one of your nightmares or nasty turns.

I don’t know where I got the audacity, but I got into your bed, pulled the sheets and blankets around me, and buried my face in your pillow, taking another deep breath and faintly, so very faintly, there was still a scent. I laughed and cried at the same time. Oh, me dear, I wish you were just out in the garden or one of your walks and you would be coming in the door any moment and I could still be taking care of you! When I turned over, I glanced at the nightstand and a book was there, the last one you had been reading, and when I picked it up, I realized it was you who was still taking care of me. It was the collection of stories you and I made up when I was a child and you barely a tween. I paged through the elegant writing of yours and my more childish scrawls and I let myself get lost in it all. Did you leave it there for me a-purpose to find, I wonder? It does me good that you were reading it the night before you left. That you remembered too how much fun we had had. I’m going to bring it with me when I see you again. I promise you that and we’ll write more stories in it. Just hold on, dear, and wait for me because I will be coming. I don’t know when, but I am coming. Just please still be there when I do. That I hope for more than anything. I must have fallen asleep reading because it was dawn when I woke again, more rested than I have been since you left and I could breathe a little easier too. Thank you.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you so much.

Chapter Five: The Garden

I have begun to plant your garden, Sam. Bilbo and Gandalf think it will help me feel better since I am still hurting so much. I think they are right, though the flowers are getting more watering from my tears than from the rain or watering can. But I want this to be all ready for you when you came and it’s helping me just as much I think as being in the dark room.

I don’t miss you any less, but I think the energy I am exerting is helping me work out some of my grief as I dream of how I want this garden to look. I have no illusions that it can be as wonderful as you and the Gaffer always made Bag End, but I hope it will be something you can smile about when you see it and even be proud of. I debated with myself whether I wanted to make it look like the garden you so faithfully tended or whether I wanted something different since I did not know whether a resemblance would help or harm more. I have reached a sort of compromise, I think. I’ve started with many elanor and morning glory’s to remind me of her and you, of all the mornings you woke me since I came to Hobbiton and greeted me with such cheer. And I will start tomorrow with some of the plants that are native here that I think you will enjoy. I hope it will be a good combination of the old and the new, something I am not yet strong enough to try to do within myself, but know that I must and I think this will help.

I have not forgotten to talk to the flowers since I know from you how important that is. I’ve told them all about you, what a wonderful gardener and friend you are, how much I love you and miss you and how I can’t wait for you to come and see what I’m growing for you, though I hope it’s a bit further along than it is now. I know it will be for I fear it will be some years before you will be able to come and I know there is also a possibility that you will not be able to come at all. I try not to think of that. I just keep hoping you will come and that the garden will be blooming when you do and that I will be blooming as well.

Another good thing about all the energy I’m putting into this is that I’m sleeping much better because I am too exhausted to do anything else. Bilbo is a bit concerned about that I know, but it’s so much better than laying awake for hours as I have been doing before. He still won’t fall asleep until he is sure I do, but he no longer needs to hold me. I discovered early on that he knows my breathing and sleep patterns just as well as you do so I can’t fool him and these days I am too tired to try. This way, he is getting more sleep too and I am glad for that.

He has been such a comfort to me, Sam. Sometimes I will wake in the middle of the night and he will be awake, sitting in the chair next to me, holding my hand, looking at me with a sad but loving smile on his face. I will smile back and then fall back asleep, feeling so very loved. Other times when I’ve woken, I’ll just watch him sleep. I’m so lucky to have him with me, so lucky.

He had recovered some of his vitality by being here, though he is still very old and I fear he will not be long with me, so I wish to enjoy what time I do have with him. His own desire for the Ring fades daily as he has also visited the dark room. Sometimes I come in during the night and find him asleep on one of the benches and I just sit next to him. I am so glad he is healing and I’m also glad that at last I have some hope as well.

I miss you so.  Please come soon.  I love you so much.

Chapter Six: Firsts

Forgive me, dear, but this winter, the first without you, I’ve actually been glad more than once that you aren’t here. It’s been cold something fierce and I know you would have suffered awfully because of that. I hope it’s not cold where you are now. Somehow I can’t imagine an Elven land being less than perfect and to me that would be endless summer, but I know you always loved all the seasons, long walks in the spring, reading at your tree for hours in the summer, tramping through the leaves in the autumn, catching snowflakes in your hand and on your tongue in the winter. So I would hope you would have something of everything to please you where you are. I hope there’s a garden for you to sit in, meadows to walk in, libraries to read in and your bed has a mattress you can sink into with lots of feather pillows for you to have blissful dreams in. I hope for all good things for you, dear.

The Brandywine actually froze over enough to go skating on and I took Elanor down to it and held her hand as she wobbled and wove and stumbled and fell. She is just learning to get her legs under her so skating was probably not the best way to introduce her to that art, but she had fun and so did I, except when she fell. But each time she did, she got up again with my help and she had a smile on her face. I think, actually, her falls hurt me more than they hurt her. You would have loved to have been there, dear, though I know the cold would have bothered you. But maybe your heart would have been warmed enough to see such a beautiful child and her Da skate around. She adored you, you know and she misses you. I know you adored her. How lucky you two were to know each other if only a little time. But you will know her better because I will write about her and Frodo-lad when he comes and all the children and they will know all about you.

I remember the first time you and I went out skating when I was only ten. I fell so many times, but you were always there to help me back up. And sometimes you would hold my hand and I’d be a bit steadier. Sometimes, though, we both went down then and I’d be horrified that you were hurt, but then you’d laugh and I start laughing too because I could never be upset or in any pain myself when I heard such a beautiful sound from you. Your face was so bright, red with cold and exertion, but shining with joy and love. I could have stayed out forever with you if you had let me, but you always made sure I didn’t stay out too long and we would have a hot cider before the fire and make plans for going out the next day again. I loved every minute I spent with you, dear. Every minute.

This has also been the first Yule without you. I can barely remember not having you always at my side, each day of my life since I was nine and it’s that hard to face each new day, knowing I won’t be greeting you in the morning. But we made do with a simple celebration and Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin came too. We all thought it was important we should be together for such times as this as they are missing you something sore also, of course, and it helped, it did, to be together. Your cousins and I stayed up ’til the wee hours talking about you. Rose is fit to burst with Frodo-lad or so she believes that who is anxious to come out and announce himself to the world. I’ll be happy with either, but I think a lad this time with your name will perhaps help ease the loss.

I sat tonight for the first time in your chair at the dinner table. I know it’s mine now as head of the family, but I still call it yours. And it didn’t hurt like I thought it would. It’s been empty long enough and I could almost hear your satisfaction that I was there.

The voices still come at night to taunt all my hopes of seeing you again, but I keep telling them to go away. Do they torment you too? I want so much to be with you, to tell you that the whispers are wrong and to have you tell me, to look at you again and never have to look away, to see you smile and laugh and to be blinded by your light. One day, my dearest, one day.

Goodnight, my treasure. Sleep well. I love you. I love you so very much.

Chapter Seven: Frodo of the Shire

Everyone has been so kind to me, Sam. Bilbo, Gandalf, Lord Elrond, Lady Galadriel and all the Elves, some of whom I’ve become friends with. They have all come to me, some of them have even held me as I have cried in my pain. I have been honored and humbled to be surrounded by so much genuine care and love. They have spoiled me as badly as you did. In fact, it’s almost like there are dozens of you here, but copies only. When I remarked to Gandalf that I thought the Elves would have had more important things to do than to nursemaid a troubled, broken hobbit, he seemed truly surprised I did not understand.

“They are honored to do it,” he said, “because they wish to honor your sacrifice. You took on a terrible burden willingly and out of love and it is not your fault you were broken by it. You withstood it much longer than anyone could have hoped or done themselves. And in your simplicity and innocence, you knew when you were broken. If anyone of us had taken it on, we would have been broken too, but in our pride we would not have seen it. My kind has been called the Wise, but I wonder whether it would more proper for hobbits to have that term instead.”

He left me then to think about what he had said and believe me, Sam, it did give something to think about it! I would have never thought of myself as stronger than Gandalf or the Elves or anyone. But he did. I think there are things I need to re-discover about myself, that I need to believe in again, that perhaps I could have not learned in any other way except here. I still miss you, brother of my heart, guardian of my soul, so much. I miss my Merry and my Pippin and the Shire, my king and queen, so much, but I begin to see my purpose in being here.

Lady Galadriel has been such a great help. She has been one of those who have held me and I felt like a child in his mother’s arms. She told me of her own grief and bitter pain and hard truths she learn about herself from her own failings and weaknesses. I was stunned and honored and humbled she would share such private pain with me. You never imagined that she suffered so when you saw her, did you, my Sam? No, she is nothing but shining light, but before she’s had to wrestle with such darkness inside and outside herself. I saw the last of that battle myself in Lothlorien. She’s had to bear that pain and knowledge far so much longer than I that I cannot imagine it. And she will bear the memory of it forever. But she has come to peace with it all and with herself. She shines even brighter than she ever did in Middle-earth which gives me hope I can survive my own pain. I can be whole again. Pain will not always make up my entire existence. I can have peace too.

I feel I have discovered a kindred spirit in her, another soul who understands through sorrowful experience what it feels like to be so completely violated by evil and by the cooperation with it, and even stranger, I think perhaps she felt the same, that she also treasured this bond of ours.  She thanked me for testing her with the Ring so she could overcome her own desire for it and thus be able to be worthy to return West.

You and I took many of the same steps together during the Quest, my Sam, but we did not have the same journey, and for that I am so very glad - that you were spared what we were not. And I am also so glad you were there for me, best part of my heart and soul. You held both together and both are beginning to shine again. Both are waiting anxiously for you. I have been more blessed by you two than I can possibly tell you.

The Lady held me that night until I fell asleep. I felt her kiss my brow. I cannot tell you how wonderful and loved it all made me feel. Then she gently released me and I fell into a most peaceful sleep. I have confidence that when you come, you will not see the same person you left on the shore, instead it will be the one I feared so greatly would never exist again, Frodo of the Shire, not Frodo of the Nine Fingers or the Ring-bearer, but simply your Frodo.

* * *

Frodo-lad was born today, my dear. So once again a Frodo is living in the Shire, at Bag End and I hope when it is my time to leave to go to you, he will want to stay. He is so very beautiful. He has your eyes and a small crop of hair already and the most perfect fingers and toes and cheeks and...and everything! Oh, how I wish you could see him and hold him and I could see your face shining up with wonder and awe and love and know that at least today, you were happy.

I don’t have much more to write tonight. The labor was not difficult, but it was long and we are both that exhausted.

Good night, dear. Sleep well. I love you.

Chapter Eight: Still Together

Tomorrow’s the 13^th, dear. I hope you won’t be ill. I hope it will be just another day for you, not even noticed as anything in particular, just each day being brighter than the last. But if you do take another turn, I know Mr. Bilbo and Mr. Gandalf will take good care of you, better than I could, but it still tears in me in two that you might be ill and I am so far away from you. It was that hard to bear it coming home from the Havens knowing the next day was the 6^th and I wouldn’t be there. I will hold out my hand to you tonight. Take it, my dear, if you need to. I will sing to you too in the hopes you will hear.

Goodnight, dearest. Sleep well, this night of all nights. Your Sam loves you so much.

* * *

Yesterday was the 13^th, Sam. I entered the dark room of Iluvatar’s the night before and spent the entire time staring at that red lamp. Gandalf spent part of the time with me as I think he was afraid to leave me alone even here and Bilbo came for the same reason. And I have to say, I was afraid too. I didn’t want to be ill alone. But even if they had not come, I would not have been and that is why I sought this shelter, this hope that it would be a refuge to me during the terrible storm. And it was. The orc voices still came, I could still feel their hands clawing at me, their knives and their whips, but I kept staring at that light. It saved me. It was not anywhere as bad as it was last time. And I heard your voice, dearest Sam, raised in song, just as it was last time. It was as though you were beside me, holding me as you did then. I remember begging you softly not to stop and you didn’t. I heard everything you sang last time and a new one also over and over and it helped me so much. I had to write it down before I forgot it. I believe every word of every one you sang.  You really are still with me, holding me, and I know you always will be.

 “Sleep now and know this, my dear,

I will always be near,

Though we’re Sundered by wide flowing seas.

The water between us is wide,

But whatever betide,

Know that with you I always will be.

“May you find healing and peace

In the land ’cross the seas.

May you know again true joy and rest.

Wait, for I surely will come

To the fair Elvenhome,

I will follow you into the West.

“Know that wherever you are,

We’ll wish on the same star,

’Til my work on this near shore is through.

And when at last I may rest,

I will turn my eyes West,

I will come o’er the Sea, dear, o’er the Sea, to you.”

Oh, thank you, my dearest brother! I shall indeed wait for you. And I am finding peace and rest. All that night, I was enveloped in your love and Iluvatar’s and Bilbo’s and Gandalf’s and it was enough. The morning came and it was so bright.

A/N: That song was, of course, another loving gift of Galadriel’s.

Chapter Nine: Birthday Celebrations

Elanor turned two today, my dear. As we celebrated that, we remembered you, as well, for it’s also, of course, the anniversary of your great accomplishment, the day the Ring was destroyed. I wonder if you are thinking of that as well. Are you still suffering from the cold where you are, except on this one day? I remember the only time you were warm here was this anniversary. You couldn’t cool off then, writing in the study that day with the window wide open and I was so afraid you were going to catch a chill, but you insisted you needed the window open, that you were so hot. I feared you had caught a fever somehow, but your forehead did not feel that warm. You went out for a walk that day and I made sure you were all bundled up. I knew, I just knew you wouldn’t stay that way, but I wasn’t able to let you out half-dressed. When you came back, your clothes and hair all damp, and your eyes even worse haunted than they had been before you left, my heart broke. Finally I got you to lay down and sleep.

When I came to you later, to share my joy that Elanor had been born, you were still sleeping. I couldn’t wake you. I couldn’t disturb that peace you so deserved. I didn’t even rouse you for the late dinner we had. The next day, the only time you didn’t shiver was when you held Elanor and the tears in your eyes then were of love and joy, matching my own as much for the light shining from you as for Elanor.

I watched you hold Elanor many other times and seen that light and love return to your eyes, to your whole being. I’ve watched you two asleep, your arms protectively wrapped around her and the both of you so lovely to look at, so completely content with each other. I would have let you hold her forever if it meant I would keep seeing that, that you would keep feeling that peace that came to you when you looked at her, your reward for all you suffered and endured.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you, my treasure, so much, so very much.

* * *

Happy birthday, my Sam! I want to thank you for your gift. I have began to heal a little bit more each day and it’s partly because of that song I hear each morning. Today, it was a male Elf singing and it reminded me of you, an Elven you, mind you. I still miss you so much, but I’ve felt since you sang to me on the 13^th that you are still with me. The pain has lessened enough that I can feel that now. I don’t miss you any less, but I can remember you now with a smile, instead of with tears. I can hear your voice and your songs and see your beautiful face aglow with love, whether for me or Rose or Elanor and for Frodo-lad if I’m not mistaken? Has he been born yet? I had a dream that he was. And there will be others, too. Many others, my Sam. You will have your hands full! And your heart will expand ever more with such joy.

Enjoy your day, my dearest, and know that I am thinking of you and wishing you the very best and looking forward to the day I will be able to see you again.

I love you so very much, my brother, so very, very much.

Chapter Ten: Learning to Forgive

I am learning how to forgive myself, Sam. I couldn’t do that in the Shire. I didn’t know how to and I wondered whether I even should try to. I had done many unforgivable things - I had held Sting at your throat, I had tried to kill Smeagol, I had abandoned you and reason and all goodness when I claimed the Ring. I desire it still though that is finally leaving me. Gandalf told me and I quote, “In all our necessities, trails and difficulties, no better or safer aid exists for us than prayer and hope.” So I keep returning to the dark room and tell myself that over and over and over. You already knew it was, even on the Quest, when you were my hope. It took a little longer for me, dearest brother mine, to believe it, but here I have been praying and here I have been believing.

It is here and among these peoples that the gaping wound my failures tore in me is beginning to heal, in the love and light and peace that surrounds me. Not that you didn’t surround me with the same, dearest Sam. It was always there, but I couldn’t always reach for it. You had always forgiven me, always loved me and increasingly I find that so amazing and the desire to thank you for it growing along with my knowledge that I could never thank you properly enough for it. Then I didn’t think I deserved it, I still think that actually, but you always gave it, more and more and more. Such a great gift leaves me humbled and in awe.

The Shire was paradise, but then darkness entered it and me and it could only be exorcized here. You had never done anything shameful, dearheart. I think I needed to be around people who had, who had had to struggle with their own darkness and had already trod on the torturous path to self-forgiveness and returned to the light. I had to learn that it could be done, should be done, had to be done.

Lord Elrond has helped me tremendously. He told me the story of Isildur and the Last Alliance and the battle in which Isildur cut off the hand of Sauron himself and so fell to the power of the Ring. I knew the story of course from Bilbo’s tales, but I had never heard it from someone who had actually been there as Lord Elrond had and from the motivation to wanting to heal me of my wounds. I heard about him taking Isildur into the very chamber we had been in, to the Crack of Doom, and I heard about the man’s failure to destroy the Ring just as I had been unable to. He left me that day with a lot to think about.

I went to the dark room to do it. I know I could have condemned Isildur for not being strong enough to destroy the Ring when he had the chance to do so. It would have saved the world from much darkness. It would have saved so many lives. It would have saved me. But I could not condemn. I understood him, though, and I forgave him. I thought of Smeagol and his fall to the Ring and his endless need for it and I thought of Bilbo and his craving. And I thought of myself. I am finally beginning to believe what Gandalf told me that it was not a personal failure of mine that I could not give up the Ring or that the desire of it continues to haunt me, even when it was itself destroyed. All the Ring-bearers had that burden.

I am understanding other things about myself, the person I once was, the one the Ring twisted me into and the one I was after its destruction when I was too weak and wounded to return to who I had been. I think I am returning now. Or as much as I can. Aragorn told me before that it is natural for one to wish everything to go back to the way it was before a tragedy and it is another wound that has to heal to realize that it is not possible. It’s painful this process of recovery, but it’s also freeing and each day I hope to make more progress so the Frodo who greets you with open arms the day you come is one who has returned to the light, who is a combination of the one who went innocently on the Quest to save the people and land he loved and the one who returned broken, but is now healed and just waiting for you to make him completely whole. Come, my brother. I love you and miss you so. My greatest prayer, hope and desire is that you will see me healed.

A/N: Gandalf’s quote about recourse to prayer is actually from St. John of the Cross.

Chapter 11: Springtime

Another spring has come, me Frodo dear, and a more beautiful one I don’t think I’ve seen. I worried some about the plants and flowers and trees after such a harsh winter as we had but those I planted with Lady Galadriel’s gift proved hardy and I wondered why I even worried. Another spring but the first one without you. Still the sky is bright and the air is warming. I’m actually writing this with my back against your favorite tree, another place I’ve avoided going because it wasn’t my place, but more because I knew it would break my heart to think of never seeing you leaning up against it again, head in a book as always, but when I came, leaping up to greet me with a huge, lovely smile. It was hard to walk through the fields before when I knew, if I wasn’t careful, I’d pass your tree and you wouldn’t there. I couldn’t bear that thought for a long time and I went out of my way to avoid passing it. But today I came. It was time. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin came too and we had a picnic here and remembered you and cried for you, but we were able to smile to and even laugh a little. And if we were very silent, we could hear you laughing too. How that helped our hearts!

I remember how when after Mr. Bilbo left, you were so lonely sometimes. We’d go walking sometimes and you would hold my hand firmly, needing that touch I think. You were more quiet then, but then Mr. Pippin would come and drag you out of your loneliness like no other hobbit could. He’d grab your hand and tug you along and soon you’d be smiling and laughing. He’d run you ragged and you loved every minute of it. He was always a master of distracting you from whatever might be bothering you at the time by all his boundless energy and cheer. Even after the Quest, he could still do that. I wish someone could steer him away from his pain now. Mr. Merry has tried, bless him, but he’s lost in the same pain we are. We don’t blame you, dearest. Don’t ever think we do. We just miss you and love you so much that we still haven’t completely figured out how to go on with such a big part of our hearts and souls missing, but today, we have made another realization that you are not truly gone for us.

We all looked at your tree and saw you there, either eager to come play or to read. If I look with the eyes of my heart, I can still see you there. I remember all the times that you would have me sit down next to you and you would read to me, reciting poetry or one of the songs and stories from Mr. Bilbo’s books or something you made up. You had such a beautiful voice.

I thought of how excited you were when you first came to Bag End and Mr. Bilbo gave you a book that he said you could call your very own - a book you hadn’t read before that had all sorts of stories of grand adventures and battles. I remember you rushing over to my home and nearly pulling my arm off, you were so anxious to get started, but you remembered your manners in time to ask if I could come out. My mum laughed and said I could. Then we ran to your tree and you told me what you had gotten and you started immediately to read to me all that was in the book, talking so rapidly I was getting almost as breathless as you just from listening. How your face shone that day! We finished the whole book that day and then you started over again, speaking more slowly so we could both savor it more. I closed my eyes and just listened to you and imagined being in the story myself. I remembered the times I would read to you and you would close your eyes and smile and I know you were imagining being in the story yourself. What adventures we dreamed of!

On the way back from the Havens, Mr. Merry had said you weren’t truly gone if we remembered all the places you had been and the memories we had of you there. And he was right, me dear. You haven’t left. You are still here. We just need to know where to look for you and we don’t have to look far. You are everywhere. We saw you here today and we are going to keep coming back. We know you will always be here, waiting for us.

How I love you, my dearest.

Chapter 12: Small Things

It’s not hurting so bad anymore, dear, but sometimes the smallest things can still set me off crying. This afternoon it was Rose bringing out a tall glass of lemon water while I was taking a break from working in the garden. It was a hot day and I surely needed it, but more I needed you. The sun was right in my eyes when she came out and for a moment I almost thought it was you. I remembered all the times you used to bring out two glasses and sit on the bench with me, admiring the garden. I remember when I first put that bench in - after you had been so frightfully sick that summer after Mr. Bilbo left. I remember what my mum said about it being good to get out in the sun to recover your strength so I put out a bench where you could sit out there with your books or writing and just soak up the sun. I loved having you there as I worked. I’d look at you sometimes when you were reading, just to look at your light and your beauty and marvel that I was so lucky to have you there and be your friend. Sometimes I’d look up to see you already looking at me, with a soft smile and so much love in your eyes. But you’ll never sit here again. I haven’t sat down or even wanted to look at that bench since you left. But today I did.

I couldn’t help my tears when Rose came out today and I realized anew as I seem to do all the time that this is another thing you will never do again. Rose took me to sit on the bench and she held me and rocked me and murmured comforts while I cried helplessly in her arms. I have been such a mess, but my Rose has been a wonder. She has been so helpful, always knowing my heart, always ready to soothe it. And she knew just how to this time too. After I had finished my water, she brought me out Frodo-lad to hold and then she went back inside. He’s four months old now, but you know how he got wrapped around me heart just as soon as Rose told me she was expecting again. I know he was already wrapped around yours too just as quickly. I wish you could see him, dear. I wonder if somehow you already did, even before he was born. You told me there would be more children and I don’t doubt you. Your namesake has light brown hair and your beautiful eyes. I love him more than my life. And I marvel anew at how lucky I am to have known you, to have my Rose and Elanor and Frodo-lad. I am happiest when I think of you four and I know you would want that - for me to be happy. It’s still that hard at times, but sitting on that bench today, holding my son, stroking his curls, looking at his perfect face, fingers and toes, kissing his head gently, just watching him sleep, made me happy and at peace and I thank you and Rose for that.

I remembered all the times you slept just as trustingly in my arms and how I watched you and thought of how beautiful you were and how much I loved you. All the things I thought of today of my son also as I watched him sleep. I have been so blessed, so very blessed. And I promised you and myself what I have everyday since you left. I will see you again, my love. I will hold you again and watch you sleep and think again of how beautiful you are and how much more I love you.

Goodnight, my dear. Sleep well. I love you so very much.

* * *
I went to the market today, dear, and when I was nearly ready to leave with both arms loaded with bags, I heard someone laughing a bit behind me. It sounded so exactly like you I froze. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want to. It would ruin the illusion that you were there. So in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, I closed my eyes and just stood there and listened and pretended it was you. And then I cried all the way home with my head bowed. I was crying so hard I could barely see where I was going. I heard some of the louder whispers about my strange behavior, but I didn’t care. They’re right, anyway. I am cracked, my dear, or at least my heart is, cracked right open. When I got home, I just stood there inside the door, still with all these bags in my hands, still crying. I couldn’t stop. Rose came to me, took the bags from me and put them down and then just held me for the longest time. She didn’t say anything, just held me and I held her and that’s what I needed right then. She always knows. I don’t know what I ever did to be so lucky to know you both.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you and miss you so much.

Chapter Thirteen:   Dreams

My heart is easing, dear, so I know you are happy more than just this day or at least are on your way to becoming happy. I still miss you so, I dream about you often, but they aren’t sad, terrible dreams anymore. They are happy ones, though last night’s was a little strange. I heard a Elvish song, but none I had ever heard before. I could not understand the words, but it was still a beautiful one and I was soothed by it. I had the strongest feeling it came from where you are now and I wondered if you were even listening to it at the same time. I felt almost like I was with you, almost close enough to see you, to touch you. Like I said, strange. But wonderful. When I woke, I missed you more than ever, but also I felt peace because I felt like you and I had shared something, so far apart and yet together. I hope I hear that song again. I can’t wait to see you again. I hope it won’t be much longer, but it’s not bad here either. Not bad at all. Rose continues to be wonderful and you did foresee more children than just two. I know I will be very happy here for a long time. The only thing that could make me happier is having you here, but I know you are still here in so many ways. My heart sees you even if my eyes can’t. And that has helped the pain a lot. Whether I can say that just as easily when your birthday comes, the first I’ve spent without you in thirty-four years, well, we’ll just have to see.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you so much.

* * *

I want to see you again, my Sam. I want it so much I can hardly bear it sometimes. I dream of seeing you on these white shores and my heart nearly bursts with anticipation of that joy.

I keep returning to the dark room and that beautiful light. I pray for your coming here and that I am here to welcome you. I don’t want you to make that long trip over all that water you hate and have it be for nothing! I know you will come if you were at all able. I know you’d want to swim it yourself if there was no other way, but Gandalf assures me that Cirdan, the Elf of the Havens, will wait for you and bear you here. Oh, I can’t wait, Sam!! It’s going to be that hard not to want to swim out to meet you myself when I know you are coming!

Oh, please, do come, my brother. Your Frodo needs his Sam and misses him so sorely and loves him so fiercely.

Chapter Fourteen:  Catechesis

I’ve asked Gandalf if he could instruct me more on Iluvatar, Sam. I’ve been learning a lot in the past few months. I’ve heard about the Music we are all part of, each with our own individual parts to play and how each one’s melody blends to make one large Song. I could almost hear my own, I could definitely hear yours and Bilbo’s and Merry’s and Pippin’s and Elanor’s and Frodo-lad’s and almost like a dream of something composed, but not yet heard, the soft sounds of all the other children you are going to have. What a wonderful, wonderful sound it all made! I closed my eyes just to listen and what joyful peace came to me.

We are all children of Iluvatar, Sam. I can’t tell you how special that is, but when you come here you will understand. Thanks to my parents, you, Bilbo, Merry and Pippin, I know what it is like to be greatly loved, but here, dearest heart, here, is Love that you’ve never felt it. It has so helped me to realize anew how blessed I have been and continue to be, that I am still loved and worthwhile even with all my faults and failings. Gandalf tried to tell me that before we went on the Quest the second time. I never really believed that until now. I couldn’t, but I am beginning to now. I can see the darkness in my soul being washed away and how I am being made anew again, bright and shining. I wish you and Merry and Pippin and Aragorn could feel this. You four have no need to be bright and shining again because you have always been, but still to feel this! Oh Sam! I am glad that I have the hope that at least you will know this.

I’m so looking forward to bringing you here to this room, my brother, so you can feel it all yourself. You feel it everywhere, but here, it’s the strongest and it’s like nothing you have ever felt before. I wish I could describe it to you. The Elves made me a bench to sit on that was more hobbit-size, but I asked them to move it to the garden instead. I want to sit on the larger benches. They make me feel like a child again. The same feeling of love, caring, safety, warmth and support that my parents, Bilbo, my cousins and you surrounded me with, envelopes me even stronger here. It helps not to miss you so much, but again, makes me so anxious to see you so you can share in it yourself that I am nearly giddy and can hardly sit still!

I’ve also learned about the Gift that Eru (that’s another name for Him) gave to Men and thence to Hobbits - the gift of mortality. But, my Sam, I hope we are together to accept that gift jointly. I don’t want to die ahead of you and I don’t want you to die ahead of me. I’ve come every day to the dark room to beg for that favor.

I also come here when the pain flares up and I have to wrestle even harder with my desire still for the Ring. Normally that means in the middle of the night. I’ll stare up at the light and listen for what my heart needs to hear. Surrounded by such love, by Someone who knows all about me, all my secrets, all my shame, all the evil I have done, but still loves me, still forgives me, I feel myself calm and the desire leave me. It’s an incredibly freeing experience.

When I’m ready to leave, when the desire has left, I bow in respect and love and thanks. I sleep soundly for the rest of the night, knowing I will be even stronger the next time I leave.

I wish I could have healed in the Shire, in your arms, my Sam. You tried so hard and I can never thank you properly for all you did, for all you forgave, for all that wonderful love that just kept growing. I am so sorry that for all the love you lavished on me, I only brought you tears and grief. You tried to hide your pain from me, but I saw it and grieved for it. I wonder if you think you failed me, that if you have if you had tried harder or loved me more, I wouldn’t have had to leave. I hope you do not think that. You did not fail me. I failed you. I failed myself. You could not have loved me more, dearest.

I have watched you bring back flowers that anyone else would have long given up on and seen your triumphant smile as they lived once more. You talked to them, pruned them, paid special attention to what feed and fertilizer they got and lavished such love on them, they had no choice but to thrive again. There were many times I wished I could have been one of those dying flowers, but the soil I needed to flourish again in was not to be found in the Shire. There was another plan for me, for us. Without that, I would have never discovered this wonderful place or this wondrous knowledge of who and what I am.  It is here that I am learning to love myself again, as though I am a fauntling just learning to walk, at first toddling unsteadily across the floor, but I promise you, my most beloved brother, that by the time you see me next, I will be running, running to you.

Chapter Fifteen: Peace

The peace continues to grow in me, dear Sam, taking a firmer hold. I can feel myself healing inside and that is a wondrous feeling. You will love it here. I’ve applied myself more to my studies in mastering Quenya and I’ve even started writing a history of the Elven race for you to read when you arrive. It’s a supplement to those that Bilbo told us that always thrilled us when we were younger and dreamed of such high adventures ourselves, when even the tragedies in those tales couldn’t dim our enthusiasm. This is more personal histories of those I have met here and I’ve taken up the challenge of writing the history in Westron and Quenya. So, come, dearest Sam, as soon as you possibly can, but not so soon that I’m not done with your gift! I think it will take me some years to complete and I know that it will be that much time and perhaps much more before you can come, but I can wait. I have much to occupy my time now!

I do much of my writing in the garden. They have the most wonderful ones here, Sam. I can’t wait for you to see them. You will love them! I am optimistic that you will enjoy the one I made for you at our home - yes, ours, dearheart - for the hope is growing all the while that you will come and bless me with your presence once more. I am quite pleased with it myself and I spend many afternoons sitting out on a bench, feeling closer to you, surrounded by plants and flowers you love or will love when you see them, so many of them! I still do not make any pretense that it is as lovely as you and the Gaffer made Bag End and I know it is not as beautiful as the other gardens here, but I am taking great care with it because I want you to love it and know how much I love you too. It’s also given me a much greater respect for you and the Gaffer for all the work it takes to plant a garden and keep it going. I had no idea! But I can see why you loved doing it so much and I love it myself, because I’m doing it for you.

I don’t know all the varieties of the plants and flowers in the other gardens, not yet, but I am going to learn them so when you come, I can impress you with all my knowledge! There are kinds you that I have never seen anywhere, not even in Rivendell or Lothlorien - they have such beauty it takes your breath away. The ones I chose for your garden I did learn all about, their names, how much shade and how much water they like, how and when to prune them so it'll be the best it can be when you came and then it'll become even better when you take over from my brave efforts and turn it into something of real beauty which I hope is something you will like to do.  I can't imagine you not being a gardener and nurturer of all living things, including me.

I don’t go to the beach much anymore. I just come here when I am missing you. It’s very peaceful here, very soothing and I can work here for hours, either writing or having my hands in the soil, touching life and nature that was so much a part of your own nature. Gandalf and my Elven friends helped Bilbo and me plant a cherry tree and an apple tree.

Bilbo spends much of his time talking with the Elves and his writing, a lot of it done in the garden as I work. It is good for me to have him near. We also take walks sometimes, though not as long as used to. He is getting frailer and I know he does not have much time left here. That grieves me and I do not spend much time without being within easy hearing distance of him. But he has healed and he knows I am healing. He is happy, Sam, and so am I or at least much more happy than I am sad.

I also have a small but growing vegetable plot going that keeps me busy. The carrots and lettuce are doing very well and just wait until you taste the mushrooms! Sometimes when I’m done, I’ll just sit on the bench, munch on a apple and remember all the times we went apple picking and how terribly sick we would get sometimes because we ate too many! Those memories, so dear to me and growing more so, give me a smile now instead of tears. My soul is much healed, but I like coming here whenever I can. Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I’m back at Bag End in the garden you and your father tended to so well and I smile as I hear your pruning shears or your voice gently coaxing and encouraging the plants and flowers to grow. The same loving voice I often heard on the Quest and afterwards, the same one I know your children heard.  You never gave up on anything if you thought it could grow.

I will never be able to tell you how glad I am you never gave up on me either. The words simply do not exist, but, dearest Sam, I can’t wait to have you come so I can at least try. The Shire was the best place in Middle-earth. But this is the best place that is not. Don’t be frightened when you leave, when you see where the boat is going. You are coming to a better place than you can possibly imagine. I  have not ceased to pray that I will be waiting for you, dearest brother mine. I love you so. 

Chapter Sixteen: Anniversaries

Happy birthday, my Frodo dear! I am writing this as I sit on the grass overlooking the Havens where you left nearly a year ago. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. It feels like forever. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin, Rose, Elanor and Frodo-lad are here too. I’ve been watching them play together. I can see you in him already and it brings more joy than tears now. We came here to remember you. Not that we could ever forget you, mind, but it seemed appropriate to mark your birthday here, the closest we can come to you, the place where we all hoped there would be a rebirth for you, the release from pain, the comfort of peace. We laid out a picnic and stayed the whole day. There have been some tears, but there’s also been smiles and laughter in remembering the joy you gave us and the love you always gave and we feel reach us even now.

We saw a rainbow today too and that just caught us breathless for a moment for it seemed to reach over to you. How we all wanted to climb it so we could go over to you! It was so beautiful.

Enjoy your day, dear. We all thank you for your presents - your presence in our lives that continues even now. Know that we are always thinking of you, that we love you and miss you more than we can say.

I’m going to say goodnight early and join in some of the fun my lass and lad are having. Sleep well tonight, dear, wrapped in love.

* * *

I saw the most beautiful rainbow today, Sam. It arched right over the Sea and I imagined it reached the Shire and you could see it. It was wonderful to see, almost like you had given me a birthday present, instead of me giving you one. How I longed to walk that path myself, to bring you here or to come back to stay with you. But you are where you need to be and I am where I need to be. One day, though, one day, my Sam, you will be here or so I hope and pray every day.

I love you so much.

* * *

I spent a long time looking up at the stars and moon tonight, the first anniversary of your leaving, thinking of you, dear. Night time is when I feel closest to you so I’ve been doing this every night for some months now. Sometimes Elanor or Frodo-lad will sit on my lap and I will tell them the stories of the stars just like you taught me. Another memory I cherish. But most of the time, I am out here by myself.

What stars do you see, dear, from where you are? What does the moon look like? I look at that the most, wondering if you are looking up at it at the same time, if only through your bedroom window. Do you still want to be inside, safe and cozy in your own room, once the sun sets or have you learned to love the night again like you always used to before all the terrible things happened? Have you been able to enjoy your pipe again? I hope you have rediscovered how beautiful and peaceful the night can be, how soothing it can be just to smoke and look at the stars. I have.

Do you have a garden where you are where you can sit, close your eyes and raise your head to the sun? Do you have trees you can sit against and read and write the day away or just listen to the sounds of the birds and the peace in your mind and heart? Oh, my dear, I hope you have found all these and long ago.

I can’t wait to be with you, dear. I miss you so much, but at night, when I think that we could be both looking up at the same moon but from different sides, I can almost believe I am with you, that you are almost close enough to see, to touch, to talk to. I can imagine seeing your back as you walk along the long road we are traveling on. I can see you turn around and smile at me and wrap me in all that love you have in you and encourage me to keep going. Believe me, dear, I need no encouragement! Seeing you makes me want to run to you that instant and hold you and feel your arms around me and hear you laugh. But you are so far ahead of me. You turn around again, but your encouragement does not stop. You are always walking away from me, but I’m always walking toward you. One day I will catch up. You will never be so far ahead that I can’t see you.

Goodnight, my love. Sleep well. I love you so much.

* * *

I spent the night of October 5^th in the dark room, Sam, and I woke on the 6^th at peace and in my right mind. The illness did not come. It did not come, Sam!

Chapter Seventeen:  Death in the Family

Bilbo died today, Sam. I held him in my arms as he breathed his last, then for a long time after that, rocking him, singing to him, to a spirit that had already flown. I kissed his brow, laid him out, then Gandalf came. I cried so hard as he held me and comforted me. I don’t know how long we’ve been here. Time is muted here. It still passes, of course, but it’s much easier to lose track of than even during a lazy Shire summer afternoon that seems to last forever. I’m glad I won’t know how much time it will be until you are here.  I wish you were here now, but I know you are in some way already because you are in my heart where you have not left for all these many years and where you always will be.  That helps so much, my brother, more than I can ever tell you. 

I’m glad to be able to tell you that Bilbo died peacefully as I know you will grieve when you hear of it, but it was a good, happy death. He had been healed of his want of the Ring just as I am being and he knew I was becoming happy again. That was enough for him, I think. He had stayed on far beyond the time of any hobbit and he was staying for me. I miss him terribly already and it shall be so lonely at times here without him, without you, but I have many friends and I will not be alone, but when I choose to be. I have much to occupy my time just as I’m sure you do.

I am much happier and I hope somehow you know that. But today I will grieve for Bilbo and I think for a while, though I will also celebrate the memories of our many years together and the love we had for each other. Gandalf and I buried him on top of his favorite hill here where we’ve had many picnics and I have had many of my lessons in Quenya. Many of the Elves came to the burial also and we said several prayers for his soul, all in the language he so loved. It was my first true test of how fluent I was becoming in Quenya and Gandalf told me I did not disappoint.

I’m going to go down to the water again today and look east and think of you and him, Merry and Pippin and Aragorn. And all that is bright and beautiful in the Shire. I have no doubt that I will cry, but it will not be the same crushing pain that was destroying me when I first came so broken. It will be from happy memories and the sorrow that no more will be made between Bilbo and me, but I will not forget the joy he gave me and I’m sure will continue to give me, just as you still do and always will. I will visit his grave often and picnic there just as before and on the wind, I will hear his voice, see his smile and feel the touch of his hand. How I love him and miss him!

Chapter Eighteen: Victory at Last

A most happy birthday, my dearest Sam! Time passes by so differently here, but my heart remembers certain days, though I’ve lost track of time otherwise. How is Rose and your children? I know you are happy. My heart tells me you are, though I know you have had some sadness that you are still recovering from like I am with Bilbo’s death. How I wish I could have been there to hold you like I did when your Mum died. How I wish you could have been here to hold me.  I hope you can feel me hold you now. Still I know that for the most part you are happy and I rejoice that it is so. How can you not with such a lovely wife and fair children? I hope somehow you know that I am growing happier also.

I can see six or seven crawling all over you, all giggling and you laughing along with them. I don’t know if that’s merely a vision of those to come as I know you will have many or whether that is what is now, but they are so beautiful, Sam, so very beautiful. You and Rose are so very blessed. I can see you reading to them and holding them and singing them to sleep, stroking their curls and brushing their cheeks, telling them how much you love them with a heart bursting with that love. I remember doing that with Merry and Pippin when they were younger and with you. I remember you doing that to me, even the night before I left. Oh, my beautiful Sam, what a wonderful life you have!

I can’t wait to hear everything about it, to see you again and hold you and be held and to have you see me happy and whole again and see you happy. I spent the morning at the beach, looking east, holding you ever close in my thoughts, hoping that you could somehow sense that and all my love for you. Then I went to the garden and whiled away the afternoon there and tonight I will spend the night in your room.

Yes, dearheart, you have your own room, just waiting for you. I chose it myself even before I picked my own because I wanted you to have the best one. We arrived at dawn and I was so tired that I think I was leaning more on Bilbo than he was on me. I had fallen asleep in the carriage on the way from the harbor, but when I woke, we were shown this wonderful home. It’s above ground, but otherwise it’s as close to a smial as you can get. It even has a round door! I had no heart to appreciate it at first, but when I healed enough, home it became and I realized how beautiful it really is, what care went into its construction, some of the same compassion, understanding and gratitude I see everyday in the eyes of the Elves.

I had little care for where my own room was. I knew already it would be the dockside, looking east, but I took pains to choose the right one for you. It is one of the most beautiful, peaceful places here. It has lots of windows and gets all of the morning light and I now spend most of my mornings here because it makes me feel closer to you. I can close my eyes and imagine you will be shortly walking in the door, smiling as always and I will standing in your arms. One day, my Sam, one day. Until then, your bed is all made and waiting for you. Your window overlooks the garden and fresh flowers are on the table. The fireplace waits to warm you on cold nights and the nightstand already has a pipe and a couple books that I know you’ll like. Everything is of Elvish design, of course, including the pipe that I carved for you on my last birthday. I know you’ll love it because it’s also all set to our size, the perfect blend of Elvish and hobbit. I can’t wait for you to see it!

I spend my winter evenings in here too, the fire keeping me warm, as I continue to compose the gifts I hope to have all ready for you when you come. I want to make you something that is truly worthy of you, my dearest friend and brother, but I know I cannot. Nothing can ever approach what I can never actually repay you for, but I am still going to attempt in some small way to show you my love, appreciation and gratitude. I am actually grateful for this time alone because there is so much to tell you, but often, my quill will stop its scratch across the page and I will look up at the door and wait for you to come in. You will one day, dearheart, I know you will. Then with a smile, I look down and start writing again.

Enjoy your life, my Sam, the one your sacrifices on the Quest made possible. I know you would protest and say it was my sacrifices, but I prefer to place the credit where it truly belongs. And this time I can win that argument because you aren’t here to gainsay me. Victory at last!

But as even as I laugh as I write this, I sober a little, because I would much rather have you here and lose another argument, than win this one without you. But I will not be sad today. I will celebrate your life and your love and I will remember everything you ever did for me. That will take much more than a day, but I have the time.

I love you so much, my dearest friend, guardian and brother, so very, very, very much.

Chapter Nineteen: Candles

I lit a candle for you tonight, my dear. I stared at it for the longest time, remembering your light. It eased my heart and broke it at the same time, watching it flicker, remembering how much yours did, but never went out. It was always there, even in the darkest night. I touched the holder and stroked the candle slowly and I cried a little because this is all of I have left of your light, but for the memory of it. But the longer I stared at it, the more it helped me and the pain of losing you and missing you still so much eased and I ended by smiling at the light. It was almost too hard to blow it out, but I did before joining my Rose. She glows as bright as you and I am that lucky to have her just I have been so lucky to have you, my dear. I looked back at that candle as I was ready to leave the room and I thought more of you, even giving it a slight nod in goodnight, though I felt a little silly doing it. I wouldn’t have be telling you that, but you’ve never made fun of me. You have always understood me. Rose is that way too. I don’t have to tell her what’s going on in my heart. She already knows.

I know also you are burning brightly or so I hope you are. I will see you again, my dear, I will. I try not to think of how long it might be, but I know I will. My whole heart and soul longs for it, even as it longs to stay in the Shire and be with Rose and our children. Is this how you felt before you left? Loving the land that gave you birth, but knowing also that you were slowly leaving it? You were called to go elsewhere. I hear the same call, your voice and the Sea’s and someday I am going to answer. Someday.

Goodnight for now, dear. Sleep well. I love you so much. I can’t wait for the day I will tell you that again and not just write it and hope somehow you know.

* * *

I lit a candle for you tonight, Sam. I stared at it for the longest time, remembering how bright you always shone, even in Mordor when I was drowning in darkness, you were a beacon that pierced even that. I cried some tonight, the first I have in a while, because I still miss you so much. I stroked the holder and the candle, feeling the warm heat of the flame and remembering how would hold me, stroke my curls and talk and sing to me and warm me with all the love in your heart. It helped ease the pain some until you come. That is what I am living for. I am almost healed now, I have peace nearly all the time. The voice of the Ring is less and less, barely a whisper now. But my recovery is not going to be complete until you come and know I have achieved it, that I’m happy and whole again. I need you to know that. I need you to see my smile and hear my laugh and I need to see and hear yours as well, so I know you have healed yourself from all the hurts I’ve caused you. So I am going to hold on until you come. It won’t be hard I don’t think. I have been praying so hard for that and also the very air here embraces you, lifts you, energizes you. You will see that for yourself when you come. My tears dry and I smile. I give the candle a short bow, then blow it out and wish you a good night.

I will see you again, my dearest Sam. I will.

Chapter Twenty: Confirmation

This day has been the most joyful of my life, my Sam. I’m sorry that Bilbo was not here, but I still feel his presence around me, sometimes as though he is truly still with me and though I can’t see him with my eyes, my heart can. It’s a very comforting feeling. Yesterday, my instruction with Gandalf regarding Iluvatar ended and today I was formally accepted into those who serve Him. I was given a silken garment of the purest white to wear for a ceremony that started outside the dark room at dawn.

“You are a child of Eru, Frodo Baggins,” Gandalf said. “Do you so will to be recognized as such and take up the light burden of that status?”

I could barely keep my excitement from overtaking me. I must have looked like Pippin used to at Yule and that thought gave me even greater joy. How I wish you could have all been here with me!

“I do so will it,” I replied, then Gandalf put a cord with two small woven panels to wear around my neck to remind me of my new status. One said what he had just told me, that I was child of Eru, the other showed an image of a sun. What joy flowed through me then! You might think it strange that having something else around my neck would cause that, but it did and I know now I will be even stronger and my healing will continue to accelerate. Gandalf smiled then, then embraced me and kissed my head. “Welcome,” he said.

I hugged him back and smiled back up at him. He seemed to glow as bright as the sun. There is more, much more, my Sam, to that dear wizard of ours than I ever suspected. He must have seen that I realized that because he smiled wider and nodded, then the brightness was once again sheathed around mortal flesh, but his eyes still shone. I let him go and smiled at my friends who had come to celebrate with me. He told me later that I was shining as well.

Then we went into the dark room that has helped me so much and this time I felt even more at home, more loved than ever. After I bowed, I saw that a new image of the sun had been made just for me - just the right height for a hobbit to reverence properly. I nearly cried when I saw that and kissed it for the first time. The other one was always too high for me and Gandalf or one of my other friends would have to lift me up, but here was just another instance of kindness that I have been surrounded by since my arrival.

There were many more words said inside that I asked Gandalf to repeat to me so I could write them down here. I hope one day I will hear him saying them to you, my dear Sam. What joy that would give me!

“0 Lord of Power and Might, You heal every disease, look now upon Your servant, Frodo Baggins, drive out from him every evil and unclean spirit hiding and lurking in his heart, so that he may no longer be a child of the flesh, but rather a child of Your kingdom.”

Then he approached me with oil and said, “May this be an anointing of incorruptibility, a weapon of righteousness, and a renewal of soul and body, turning away every work of the dark one. May it deliver from all evil those who are anointed with it in faith and partake of it for Eru’s glory.”

He knelt and as he lightly anointed my forehead with oil, he said, “The servant of Eru, Frodo Baggins, is anointed with the oil of gladness that his mind may be opened to the understanding and acceptance of the mysteries of faith.”

He moved to my chest next and said, “For the healing of soul and body, and that he may love Eru with all his heart, with all his soul, and with all his mind, and that he may love his neighbor as himself.”

Then he touched my ears. With each new place he touched, I felt stronger and stronger. It was a wondrous feeling. “That his ears may be ready to listen to the teachings of faith and accept the words of the One.”

The oil next touched my shoulders. “That he may willingly take upon himself the easy yoke of Eru and gladly carry His light burden and that he may shun all craving of sensuality.”

When he anointed my hands, he said, “That he may innocently raise his hands to heaven and do the right thing at all times and bless the One.”

Last he touched my feet with the oil and said, “That he may walk in the path of the Eru.”

Then he gave me a candle to hold and said, “Receive this lighted candle, and during your entire life strive to shine with the light of faith and good deeds, that when Eru calls, you may be able to meet Him with light and enter unhindered into the court of His heavenly glory.”

Then he stood and prayed directly to Iluvatar, “Now, to Your newly enlightened servant, You have been pleased to give new birth, for the forgiveness of his sins, whether committed willingly or unwillingly. Therefore, 0 Master of all, keep him in Your holiness, strengthen him and deliver him from the evil one and all his deceitful ways. Keep him in purity and righteousness, that he may please You in his every word and deed and become a son and an heir of Your heavenly kingdom.”

Then as Gandalf had taught me, I folded my arms across my chest, fingers touching the opposite shoulder and received the lembas, for the first time with the knowledge of what an awesome gift of Iluvatar’s it really was, more wondrous than we could ever conceive. We had no idea, Sam, what a great honor was given to us during the Quest when it was at times our only food. I didn’t understand than how such a little thing could give such strength, but what strength it gives me now that I do know! I feel almost light enough to float, instead of dragged down by the Ring. The call of it grows fainter day by day while I grow stronger. Oh, Sam, I can’t wait for you to come and understand all that I know, to share with me this marvelous gift!

A/N: What Frodo now wears around his neck, I modeled after the Roman Catholic devotion of wearing the scapular, but he doesn’t wear it for the same reason I do - for the grace of final perseverance and a promise of the Virgin Mary’s not to suffer eternal fire if one dies wearing it and has led a good life. It is my understanding that Frodo’s salvation is already assured once he’s in the West and he is here for healing and peace before he accepts the Gift and enters the Presence of Iluvatar so he would be wearing it as a symbol of who he is, formally recognizing himself as a servant of Iluvatar.  But I'm also still new to Middle-earth so if I'm wrong and he would still need to work out his salvation, please do tell. 

The prayers Gandalf says and the anointing with oil is adapted from the Rite of Baptism and Holy Chrismation according to the Byzantine Catholic Church. I chose Gandalf to be the one to do this as there is no priest and Gandalf is a Maia. In the Byzantine Rite, children are baptized, confirmed (chrismated) and receive their first Holy Communion all at the same time, normally as infants. It is the way my two sisters and I received these sacraments, though our parents were at the time Roman Catholics (my dad has since formally switched from Roman to Byzantine) and we consider ourselves Roman, though we were raised in both rites from before birth. I have only taken a fraction of a much larger ceremony that in our church is done as part of the Divine Liturgy (what the Mass is called in the Byzantine Rite) and with the entire congregation present and participating, not just the family and godparents. It’s really quite beautiful. The kissing of an image (icon) of God, the bowing (instead of genuflecting) upon entering and exiting and the crossed arms upon receiving Communion is also from that Rite. Our church has icons just the right height for children to kiss which inspired the hobbit-sized one. I have no idea how the Elves perceive their Creator so I chose a sun. If anyone knows of anything else, do let me know. I know there is much I still do not know about these marvelous lands and peoples. If this ceremony intrigues anyone enough, feel free to visit http://www.byzantines.net for more information about that and much more.

Chapter Twenty-One: Rosie-lass

Rosie-lass was born today, dear! Such a beautiful baby I don’t think I’ve seen, excepting perhaps her older sister. She is a wonder to behold. The midwife cut the cord, then handed her first to Rose and then to me. I didn’t want to let her go. I kissed her head and touched that small tuft of blond hair and looked into those lovely green eyes. I thought my heart would burst with all the joy and love in me. How I wish you could have seen her, dear! But I think you did somehow. You told me she was coming, didn’t you and you were right.  Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin were there too and their hearts just melted.  How we miss you, that you are missing all of this, but we know you are still with us.

It was another long labor so this is all I’m going to write tonight. I want to do nothing but stare at my little lass in her cradle, but I’m that tired, I’d just fall over so I think I’d best just seek my bed instead.

Goodnight, my dear. Sleep well. I love you.

* * *

My dear Sam, you had another lass born to you, haven’t you? How do I do know? Perhaps a little bird told me - remember that rhyme that we used to hear?

"O look ye out the window,

See the little birdie,

Sitting on his perch there in the old oak tree,

Always watching, list'ning,

While the world's so busy.

“O listen and I'll tell you what the bird told me:

Sister's gone to gather flowers for the table,

Mother's gone to town to buy sweet cakes and tea;

Father's in the garden

Brother's in the stable,

And Baby's in the cradle, sleeping peacefully.”

But I’ll be honest, I saw my new niece in a dream and she is so beautiful! But of course, that’s no surprise considering who her parents are - and I’m not talking just about Rose, dearheart. I heard another, new part of the Song one morning when her life began so I probably knew I was an uncle again before you knew you were a father, but I wasn’t sure what I heard until now. Oh, my Sam, I am so thrilled for you! This morning I sang to her in thanks for her birth and her gift to me - this is the first time I’ve danced since Aragorn’s wedding and it was a joyous little jig around my favorite tree. I wish I was there to be with you and her, but I hope you will somehow hear my voice and know that my love will be with you two - you five! - even though I can’t be.

Enjoy your new lass, dearest. There are more coming too and lads. Enough to fill your heart to bursting with all the joy and happiness you deserve. I love you.

A/N: Frodo’s loving gift to his niece is from Galadriel.

Chapter Twenty-Two: Freedom

It’s gone, Sam, it’s gone at last. I woke up this morning and for the first time I didn’t hear the hated whisper from the Ring. It could last no longer here, not with so much light and strength and peace - all you tried to give me, all I wanted so badly to accept, but I couldn’t, not completely because it was still around me, still in me. But it’s gone now. It has let me go and I have let it go. I so long to see you again and to have you see me whole and healthy again. I don’t want your last memories of me to be of a broken soul. I am free now, dear Sam, I am finally free. I ran to the dark room as fast as I could fly and fell down on my knees before the red light and murmured my thanks to Iluvatar over and over again.  I knew it was only through Him that I had been healed.  Oh, Sam!  I can't wait for you to discover Him too!

* * *

Something wonderful has happened, hasn't it, my dear?  I felt it as I was waking, like the crest of a wave of joy breaking over me.  I have not felt you so clear since you left like I did this morning.  You felt clean if that makes any sense, even cleaner than you did a few months ago when I felt something like this too.  You felt like you always did before the Ring came but even better.  Is that it?  Has it finally let you go?  Oh, my dear, I can't wait to come to celebrate that with you!  I hope you know somehow that I am celebrating right here, right now.  Oh, thank the Powers! I could dance, in fact I think I will and I don’t care who thinks I’m cracked. I am cracked no more and neither are you! I love you, my treasure, so much.

Chapter Twenty-Three: A Little Fun with Friends

This is an eminently walkable island, Sam. I have been over much of it either with Bilbo, Gandalf or my friends or just exploring by myself. I’ve even found a wonderful tree to sit under and do my writing and remembering. I am going to make it a point to see it all before you come so I can show you all the best places and you can see it all for yourself.

Bilbo and I used to take long walks together before he got too weak to do it. It was thought the exercise would help my sadness and it did. I miss him still, but I imagine, especially on these walks I take now by myself, that he is with me still. I can still hear his voice, feel his hand in mine as we used to do when I was a tween and he thrilled me with his stories and his life and his company.

I’ve even taken up the pipe again and enjoy it on a fresh summer day just like we used to. There is much that I am rediscovering about myself here. The night I became free of the Ring, I slowly spun around, arms outstretched, under the stars. I am learning to love the night again. You are getting your Frodo back, my Sam, and I am that glad to see him return as well. I have been so long afraid to look in the mirror and see a stranger stare back, but today, that face in the mirror was smiling and happy and I actually recognized him!

Walking through the meadows here is the next best thing to being back in the Shire. I can imagine you here, your hand firmly clasped around mine as we walked along or all that fighting off all sorts of dragons and wicked wizards with those swords that Bilbo made for us out of tree branches? Remember that Balrog we made short work of? Oh, Sam, if we had only known!

I can imagine Merry and Pippin here, too. I can hear your voices and your laughter and your shouts of delight and joy. I can run and play tag with you three and race you down a hill and just laugh with the sheer delight of being alive. Anyone seeing me would think I am alone, but I am not. You are all with me.  I love you so.

Chapter Twenty-Four: Apple Picking

We went apple picking today, my dear. Me, Rosie, Elanor, Frodo-lad, and Rosie-lass. It was so beautiful out. Remember when we used to do this? That time we were supposed to take some home to Mr. Bilbo and my mum, but we ate them all on the way home and were then so sick we could barely move? They took one look at us and sent us to bed with peppermint tea and a hot water bottle and not even one bit of scolding besides the shake of their heads! Of course, they had a little less sympathy for us when we did the same thing the next year.

Everything around here reminds me of you and all the fun we had. I miss you so much. I don’t think I am ever going to stop, but there is not so much pain in these reminders anymore. It actually brings more smiles now than tears, though it can do still do that at times, too. We had a wonderful time today, stayed out all day. Frodo-lad is just three and I carried him back home, asleep in my arms. He reminds me so much of you, the same dark hair, the small bright eyes and curious nature. It is both a pain and a joy to watch him.

I thank you every night as I kiss my children and my Rose goodnight for all the gifts you have given me and the entire Shire, that because of what you did, that we are able to live in peace and safety and happiness. I can’t wait for the day I will thank you in person.

Goodnight, dear love. Sleep well. I love you.

Chapter Twenty-Five: A Shire Wedding

This is going to be a little short tonight, my dear and my apologies for that. I am that tired and ready to fall over even as I sit here, but I had to tell you. Mr. Pippin married Diamond of Long Cleeve today and it was a most joyous day. It reminded me of my own wedding and of the birthday celebrations you and Mr. Bilbo always had. Snowed food and rained drink, indeed! It was a marvelous celebration for the whole Shire. Rosie is expecting our fourth so tires rather easily so only danced once. But I made up for it by dancing with Elanor who is now six and spinning Rosie-lass around for a few reels. Frodo-lad had his own fun with some of the lasses his age. A most joyous day indeed and somehow I know you were there, dear, celebrating with us. There was a special feel to today that I’ve only felt when you are near.

An exhausted goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I know I will! I love you so much.

* * *

I felt a special joy today, Sam and it had Pippin’s face to it. Now what has my dear little Pipsqueak done? Has he grown up even more and found a lass, perhaps that one he intercepted the bouquet from at your wedding? Does he now know the joy you and Rose have, that I always wanted but couldn’t have? It must be. My beloved ’squeak has married. There are times I feel so close to you three, like I have never left, like there’s only the thinnest, frailest bit of gauze between us instead of more than an ocean and the barest bit of wind will push it aside and we will be together again.  Sometimes I think if I strain just a little bit more I can see you with my own eyes and touch you and hear you instead of just holding you all tight in my memories. Today was such a day and it proves all the more that we are only physically separated, that we are still connected by our hearts and souls. I so hope you all felt that today as strongly as I did. My love to you, Merry and my dear ’squeak and his bride. Now when is my Merry going to marry, I wonder?

Chapter Twenty-Six: A Merry Birth

Frodo and Merry are back together, dear. My second son was born last night. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin were with me, to help watch over Elanor, Frodo-lad and Rosie-lass or so they told me, but I think really more to help me through the nervousness of waiting for the babe to be born. I was that glad to have them there because even though this is the fourth Rose has birthed, I still get anxious. Mrs. Groch is a wonder, but I think this is the last she’ll be delivering of our brood, if indeed, we have any more. Her apprentice attended this one as well and she’ll be the one helping with the next.

The babe is beautiful, of course. You should have seen Mr. Merry’s face lit up like a lad at Yule when I told him that we had decided to name the child after him. He was the first one to hold him after Rose and I did. Mr. Pippin was nearly beside himself with excitement as well. He is so looking forward to having a lad or lass of his own.

“Do you think you could name the next one after me, Sam?” he asked me with those pleading eyes and winsome voice that neither you or Mr. Merry could ever resist, but had had never had an effect on me.

I laughed then because it did have an effect this time or maybe it was just because I was so glad the three of us are happy again. “I’ll see what I can do about that, Mr. Pippin,” I promised and he grinned so widely.

Oh, how I wish you could have been there, my dear! But at least one Frodo and one Merry are together. The children were very excited and anxious to hold their little one too and crowded around the door to the bedroom. I took wee Merry out to them and their faces held such wonder to see someone so small. They can never believe they were that small once themselves. I took the babe out to the parlor and the children sat down on the couch there, knowing if they were very careful and quiet and still, they could hold their new brother. Elanor was first and there was such love already in her eyes. She is going to be a wonderful mother. I’ve known that since the first time she held Frodo-lad when I helped hold him in her arms and she was so tender and gentle. Frodo-lad was next to hold his Merry and watching them I already knew that would be the bond they would have. He had been practically bouncing in his eagerness to hold him, but settled down when the babe was in his arms. He touched one perfect cheek and told him that he loved him and kissed his head and then after hugging him tight for a moment, most reluctantly, gave him to over for Rosie-lass to hold. I helped her hold him as she is but two, but her face glowed as she beheld her brother. She had looking forward to this day for a long time.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you.

* * *

Another lad, my Sam! I am so happy for you! I am beginning to recognize their parts in the Song as they come to be and wish I could just shout it out to you that moment. I actually do shout it out here because it fills me with such joy that you are happy again with another one. I go around telling all my friends I am an uncle again and they smile. I run to the dark room and give thanks to Iluvatar, then I wait until the babe has been born and give thanks once more and then I shout out my joy and dance around. My friends gather around and we have a special little ceremony to celebrate each new conception and then birth. You’d think I was the father I was so thrilled, but no, I’m just a very proud uncle!

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Paradise

I spent time in paradise today, Sam. The library here is incredible. I discovered it as I was beginning to recover enough to truly enjoy it and I have spent much time here. I have even fallen asleep here, tucked away in a corner, lost in a tale. How many times did we lose ourselves in tales at our favorite trees? Time passes here slowly enough that everything you want to get done, you do and it doesn’t matter if it takes days or weeks or months or years. It is not noticed. I eat and drink and sleep and read and read and read and write and write and write! I am now fluent in Quenya that I can hold any sort of conversation with any Elf. I’ve also tutored many of them in Westorn because I certainly don’t want to forgot how to talk to you when you come!

The historians among my friends, of course, fascinate me the most and I can go on and on with them until my stomach reminds me that I am not an Elf, but a Hobbit and I need more daily sustenance than they do.

What this library sorely lacks though is a history of said hobbits. I am determined to make up for that most regrettable lapse in an Elf’s education just as soon as my own education in Elven history is over. Gandalf is going to help me with the parts I don’t know. It’s going to be a while though I think before I can start that. Or maybe I can do both at the same time. They must know all about the most famousest hobbit of all and I am not talking about myself, dearheart!

Oh, my Sam, it’s so wonderful here!

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Snow Angels

It snowed heavily starting last night, dear, just after dark. Elanor, Frodo-lad and Rosie-lass and baby Merry ran out and started catching snow flakes on their tongues and I laughed watching them so excited. Remember when we used to do the same thing?

This morning the snow was deep around us. The children hurried through breakfast so fast Rose and I had to laugh. I spent much of the day outside with the three oldest - Rose stayed in with the baby. We sled down the hill, built snow forts, had snowball fights, made snow angels and snowhobbits - all the things we used to do. Remember all the fun we had when we built a fort and had that big fight with Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin? This time it was Frodo-lad and me against Elanor and Rosie-lass. Rosie is three - the same age Mr. Pippin was if I remember correctly. We had a ball, then tired, wet and rosie-cheeked, we went back inside. My Rose had a fire going and blankets for us and we huddled there to get warm again, drinking mugs of mulled cider, just like Mr. Bilbo used to have ready for us or you made after he left. Does it snow where you are? Do you miss it or does it bring you the same joy to walk through it and remember all the fun we had?

I remember so well the exuberance of Mr. Pippin and yourself as you held him tight sledding down that big hill, him screeching in delight and you laughing. And me and Mr. Merry had just as much fun. When we finally went in, the fire was waiting and the blankets and the cider and after dinner, we spread out mattresses and blankets from your bedroom and one of the spare ones and we listened to one of Mr. Bilbo’s stories. It was the perfect ending to the perfect day. Then we got ready to go to bed, tired but happy. You kissed us all goodnight and we kissed you, but Mr. Pippin, already curled up next to you, couldn’t reach your forehead and kissed the bottom of your chin instead. You grabbed him by the ankles, held him upside down, squealing in delight and kissed his chin in return before righting him. He kissed you again, hoping for a repeat performance and this time Mr. Merry did it, determined to outdo you and kissed him all over the face, ending with the nose, and him giggling the whole time. As he still dangled upside down, he grabbed onto Mr. Merry’s cheeks and returned that last kiss before being handed back to you for a night’s cuddle, red-faced and still laughing. You two had such fun with him!

The next morning, though, Mr. Pippin woke all congested and feverish. He had been flushed the night before but we were too young to realize what that really meant. We were all red-cheeked after being out in the cold and having such a great time. We were rather frightened when we realized his coloring meant he was actually sick. Mr. Bilbo gave you some terrible smelling gel to spread on his chest to help loosen the congestion and make him cough. It did its job so well we were all coughing just from the smell! Poor Mr. Bilbo went through a lot of handkerchiefs with that very ill fauntling. You were so solicitous in your care of your little cousin I was so proud of you. You had him drink lots of honeyed tea to dry his nose out and you and Mr. Merry took turns holding him in that rocking chair Mr. Bilbo had and stroking his curls and singing to him, trying to get him to sleep as much as he could. I remember listening to you sing that favorite lullaby of yours. You both read to him, tireless in your efforts to cheer him when he felt so miserable. The silly things you two did just to get a small laugh! You calmed Mr. Merry when he was afraid that your mutual cousin was not going to get better. Neither of you showed it to Mr. Pippin, but I know you were scared too, I could see it in your eyes, but I also knew you two loved him too fiercely to let anything happen to him. Death would not dare approach when either of you held him and he was barely let go for the week he was sick.

Is someone there to hold you, dear, when you get ill? I know there must be. Mr. Gandalf promised that he and Mr. Bilbo would look after you, but I can’t wait until I can do it myself. Please just be there and wait for me, me dear. I’m coming. I just don’t know when.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you, my Elven hobbit. I love you so much.

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Mathoms

I was in the cellar today, my dear, and guess what I found. The old wagon you used to pull me and Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin around in when we were just lads. I had no idea it was even there, but I remembered all the fun we had. I heard your laugh again and your sparkling eyes and the joy you had in you. I began laughing myself just to think of it and it eased my heart it did. Memories of you more and more bring me that happiness instead of the horrible ache they once did. Oh, I still miss you something fierce, my dearest friend and brother, I know I will until we see each other again, but there is joy too. I just knew I had to take it up and out to pull Frodo-lad and little Merry along. Merry doesn’t go anywhere without his Frodo, just like their namesakes and if this keeps up, I know there’ll be a wee Pippin one day join them.

I cleaned up the wagon but good, polished it fine and then took my lads out for an afternoon. In their shrieks of delight and their begging me to go faster and faster, I heard my own child’s voice and your cousin’s and I laughed, oh how I laughed! I ran as fast as I could and listened to my own laughter blend with theirs. There were no mishaps either, none like the kind we used to have sometimes when the wagon would tip and we’d all go spilling out.

I remember one time you were pulling me and I take a nasty spill. I couldn’t have been more than 11 and I cried so hard when I fell out and cut my knee open. You rushed over to me and took me into your arms and held me and rocked me, apologizing over and over again for dumping me until I stopped crying, then you wiped my tears. There was nothing to bind my knee with so you tore a bit of your shirt off and bound it that way, then you kissed it and smiled at me. “My brave, brave Sam,” you called me and I didn’t want to cry anymore after that. You put me back in the wagon and more slowly we made it back home. Mr. Bilbo looked that cross to see you had torn the shirt he had just given you a few months before, but then he smiled when he saw how you had used it. You carried me inside and washed my knee carefully, under Mr. Bilbo’s instructive gaze, making sure all the dirt was out of it and then you bound it in a true bandage, took me to your own bed and told me to sleep a while. How many times have I not done the same with my lads with their spills, but there were none today. Just joy. Thank you, my dear.

Goodnight, sleep well. I love you so much, my treasure.

Chapter Thirty: Passing of the Gaffer

A/N:  I've moved this from where it was since I realized that it was out of proper chronological order and I’ve added Frodo’s reaction to it.  You can just skip to that part if you want.  I won't mind. :)

My Gaffer died in the night, my dear. Rose and I were there with my sisters. Mrs. Cotton watched over the little ones while we were there. I was holding his hand and telling him that he was a grandfather again. He smiled at that and then he breathed his last. I kissed his brow and then I cried, I cried harder than I have since you left. He had lived a long, full life and had enjoyed his grandchildren, but as you know so very well, my dear, it’s never easy losing a parent at any age. His joints had been bothering him something awful the last couple years and last winter was the worst so I was glad that he had relief from that now, but still how it hurt! Rose held me for a long time and cried with me. I remember how you held me when my Mum died and I could almost feel you doing it now and your sorrow as well. Then I laid him out and today we buried him, right next to Mum. I knelt for a long time at both graves. I put out new flowers and cleared away some of the moss that had begun to grow. I traced the names of them both and told them how much I missed them and loved them. I cried again, but then I got up and went back home. Marigold is going to live in Number 3 for a little while longer at least. I don’t know what I’m going to do when that is sold and another part of my life is over. But I suppose it will make it easier to leave here when I do, one less thing to say goodbye to.

Goodnight, my dear. I don’t know how well I’ll sleep, but I hope you do. I love you. I wish you were here.

* * *

What is it, Sam? I felt last night some terrible pain from you. It woke me up and I was halfway out of my room to run to you and comfort you until I remembered where I was. It hit me that hard then that you are not here, not a moment away whenever I needed you and now I am not where you need me. How I wish I could be there with you, to hold you and help you through whatever it is. It’s not Rose, is it, or any of the children? I closed my eyes and prayed out loud right then and there, harder than I have for anything that it’s not any of them. I received some measure of assurance that it wasn’t and my heart eased some, but still I cried for you, for myself. The Gaffer then? How I wish you could have been here to hold me when Bilbo died. I hope you can feel me hold you now.

Chapter Thirty-one: A Big Birthday

Happy birthday, dear! 60! I can’t believe it. I can hardly wait to be there with you to help you celebrate others. Thank you for your gift - that of still knowing you are with me, even if I can’t see you with my eyes. My heart can see how bright you are, how large your smile is and hear how full your laugh is. It does me heart good, I tell you, and I hope you know how happy I am too.

We are spending the day at the Grey Havens again as we have every of your birthdays. This is a big one though so we are going to extend the celebration a bit and spend a good amount of time when we get home at the Green Dragon and have a big cake and an ale and a smoke and tell tales until the sun comes up. They’ll all think we’re cracked, but it don’t matter.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well, the best you have ever done, wrapped up in all the love I hope you feel tonight. We all love you so much.

Chapter Thirty-Two: Pipsqueak

Well, dear, I don’t know if I’ve just been a ninnyhammer, but Rose and I have decided to name our newborn lad after Mr. Pippin. He’s just been begging for that since my Merry was born and now I understand how you and Mr. Merry could never resist those eyes and pleas.

"But, Sam, you simply can’t have Merry without Pippin," he’s argued more than once and I have to say he’s right. Mr. Pippin is quite smitten with his namesake already and was practically bouncing in his eagerness to hold him. Merry-lad was bouncing. I think they will be as close as their namesakes and of course, the rest of us are in love as well. My fifth child, dear! My heart is so full I can’t believe it hasn’t burst completely.

You made this possible, my Frodo, all that you did to get the Ring to the Fire so we would have peace for our children. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh, I can’t wait to say that to you in person. I wish you could see them all. I know you would love them. I know you already do.

An exhausted Good night, dear. Sleep well. I love you, I love you, I love you.

* * *

Oh, my Sam! Another one! This is just so wonderful. What a joyful addition to the Song! I woke up to it this morning and shouted out my joy to the dawn and rushed to my daily visit to the dark room to give thanksgiving, then afterwards, I danced and I sang and I celebrated, shouting out the news to everyone and everything. I think I must really amuse my friends sometimes, but they smiled with me as I’ve added another line in the notes I’m making for the history of hobbits. I’m going to sing your praises in the Hall of Fire tonight. My friends do let me indulge myself there sometimes, though I am much more often an avid observer.

I love you all so much.

Chapter Thirty-Three: Faramir the Took

Wonderful news, dear! Missus Diamond gave birth to a healthy son four days ago in Tuckborough. I’m about ready to leave to go and see the lad. I understand from Mr. Pippin’s note that he’s quite the most beautiful lad ever born and has been named Faramir. I don’t know about the former, but I’m quite pleased with the name as I know he and the Captain were close while they were in Gondor.

Another family that can be raised in peace now because of you, dear. How can we ever thank you? We can’t, but when I see you, I will try that hard to do so. I can’t believe how blessed we’ve been. Mr. Pippin has been beside himself with excitement about being a father from the moment he became one last summer when Missus Diamond announced she was expecting.

* * *

I felt a burst of excitement wake me from sleep last night, Sam. Just like you when you’re a father, but this had a distinctive Took element to it and I could practically hear Pippin shouting to me that he was a father. I thought I heard some new Music some months ago and wondered about it. Well, my little ’squeak is all grown up now. I can hardly believe it. I sent my praise to Iluvatar and then fell back asleep with a huge smile on my face, hardly able to keep from running out to shout out my joy.

Chapter Thirty-Four: Goldilocks

I have another lass, dear! Our family keeps growing, even beyond what you foresaw and I am happier every day to fill our home with so many vibrant spirits. You would have loved them all. They don’t leave you anytime to be sad, though I do wish that you were here to see them and enjoy them yourself. They know all about you and this one, Goldilocks we’ve decided on, is going to be another one who will. My heart is so full, dear! Thank you for all you did to make their life in peace possible! I love you so.

* * *

Oh, Sam! I felt the first strains of Music for this little one when she first started life and now fully woven into the Song as another niece! How wonderful! I want to thank you for having her born at a more decent hour so my happiness could explode straight away in a joyful shout, instead of having to wait until the morning. That is hardly bearable so I hope, dearest brother mine, that you will keep that in mind with any others. I ran right away to the dark room, shouting my praises out on the way to anyone who would hear and then nearly collapsing at my bench with silent thanksgiving. Iluvatar rejoices so when a new life is created and then born. He is certainly giving you your just reward to all your sacrifices. I can’t wait until you come to tell me of all the adventures you had with them. I hope you know how much I celebrate each and every one and hold them ever close in my heart. I hope they can feel my love also. I will dance for this one and sing to her and of her and you in the Hall of Fire tonight.

Chapter Thirty-Five: The Hall of Fire

I’m writing from one of my favorite places, my Sam. I have so many favorites places here - the dark room, the library, the open fields, your garden and the other gardens here, but here in the Hall is where I spend most of my evenings. I am usually just here to listen, though as I’ve said, I’ve also celebrated here each time I’ve become an uncle, when I hear the first strains of the each new piece of the Music and when I hear the fuller version once my newest niece or nephew is born. I’ve composed a few of my own songs, mostly in praise to Iluvatar for the gift and blessing of said children and I have made some just for you, dearest. They’re all in Quenya and I think my friends are amused to hear a non-Elf speak their language with a Shire lilt, but I can also feel their love surround me just as much as yours always did and still does. Individually none of them are as strong as yours but together, it’s as though I am wrapped in a warm blanket and I am among those I love just as strongly back. And there is Iluvatar’s Love over all which I can’t even describe to you. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like I am home here, even though I am the only hobbit here, surrounded by those twice my size and almost unimaginably older than I am. I remarked to Gandalf once about that and he said, “Well, of course, you’re home, dear boy. You may have the body of a Hobbit but you were given the heart of an Elf to appreciate beauty and absorb wisdom and have strength in enduring. You are the best of both worlds combined.” I am not saying that to blow my own horn as it were, in fact I’m almost embarrassed to write it out, but I do it to try to explain why I do feel at home here. I think you will too, my Sam. We have so long shared the same heart.

Most of the time, I am just here in the Hall listening, getting absorbed in the tales and songs and furiously scribbling to make sure I get it all down for the history I am writing you. I think this is another way I amuse my friends much by all this, but what they’ve seen and been a part of! Even the youngest here are over two thousand years old and have so much to tell. Oh, Sam, even if I lived forever, I would never begin to know all that they do. But I am in some small way, keeping track of what I can because I know you will love to know of it yourself. And it makes me feel like a child and tween again, as though I am listening to one of Bilbo’s many tales. Bilbo used to come with me and we’d listen together and there were many evenings I know he stayed up far longer than I could. Just being here with his beloved Elfs gave him such energy you would have no idea he was as old as he was. It has certainly also energized me. I feel like I’m getting younger rather than older, though I know that’s only an illusion and I am still truly aging.

I think it will be some time still ’til you are here, dearest heart, but I don’t mind that so much as I did before. I can hear your Song and I know you are still with me, that you’ve never left me and never will. I can hear Merry and Pippin’s, Aragorn’s and all of the children’s. It soothes me like nothing else to know that we are all still together and I surrounded by even more love here than I have ever been. Come, my brother, when you know the time is right. I will be here to welcome you. I love you so.

Chapter Thirty-Seven: A Little Fishing Expedition

I took Frodo-lad and Merry-lad fishing today, my dear. Frodo is nine today, the same age I was when you took me for the first time. I can still remember that day, how excited I was that couldn’t even sleep the night before. When I told my mother that when she came in to check on me, she laughed softly, tucked me in a little firmer, kissed my head and told me to try to sleep anyway. Frodo and Merry were the same way before we started out today, even wee Pippin was and he wasn’t even coming since he’s only three and I didn’t want to fret about his safety while already having to watch two other active lads. I do wonder sometimes why I named my youngest lad after such a Took, since he is just about a mirror copy of his namesake in curiosity, energy and hunger. Mr. Pippin adores him and, of course, so does everyone else.

Frodo and Merry are completely inseparable and often keep each other up for hours with the games and stories they devise, mostly of our own adventures. Frodo has the Red Book practically learned by heart and he is enthralled and in awe that you and I went through so much. It doesn’t seem quite real to him and even less real to Merry who is equally thrilled by them, just like we had always been thrilled by Mr. Bilbo’s tales of the Elves and his own adventures. When they finally fall asleep exhausted by their taking up of the Quest, their heads are touching and they often are holding hands. Or at least they were doing that before their youngest brother decided to climb out of his crib and join his siblings in their bed instead. Gave Rosie and me that much of a fright the first time he did that, when we came to his crib in the morning to find it empty. We found him sleeping happily between his brothers and have often found them such, the three of them tangled together in a one contented, peaceful heap. I love just standing there watching them like that. Another reason to be thankful for all you did that they can do that and have no fear or shadow hanging over them besides the dreams they sometimes get from their over-active imaginations, just like we used to, before reality became worse than the most frightening nightmare. I worried at first that Pip-lad would fall out of bed, he’s still such a wee one, but I soon realized there was no reason to fret as Frodo and Merry are very protective of their little brother and they always make sure Pip is tucked in securely between them and they sleep, each with one arm around their littlest brother. Those times, I know we named him right because Frodo, Merry and Pippin are back together as it should be and Frodo and Sam are back together. Oh, dear, how I wish to have you here to watch them all, but I know you are, somehow you are.

Frodo is also very protective of his Merry and Merry is just as much for his Frodo, not to mention that Mr. Merry is right fond of his namesake as well so that one has many guardians. They are so dear to watch and Elanor is protective of them all and her Rosie-lass. I’m glad some things never change.

Bright and early we started out today just like you and I had and the day was just as warm and beautiful as it was then. I remember when you came to the door of Number 3, two fishing poles in hand and Mr. Bilbo carrying a large picnic basket. I was nearly out the door before you even got the words out to my mum inquiring whether I was ready or not. You laughed and hugged me, then gave me one of the poles and between us, we carried the basket and we left with wide smiles for Mum and Mr. Bilbo who waved and smiled. I remember my pole being longer than I was tall, but that didn’t matter to me. I was just so thrilled that I’d be spending the day with you. We took a leisurely walk down to the water and I made sure that Frodo, Merry and I took the same route. Their eyes were shining as brightly as yours always did, as my mum said, I always did whenever I was with you or even only talking about you. I don’t remember one moment in my life that I haven’t loved you since even before we met, since Mr. Bilbo had already told me all about you. Not one moment, dear.

We made it down to the river and Frodo-lad’s pole was longer than he was and nearly twice as long as Merry who is just shy of five. I had made a smaller pole for that little lad, but it was still nearly as long as he was tall. We pushed our boat out in the water with Merry abroad, then climbed in. I helped them thread their lines, then did mine and was cast out to try our luck. I didn’t care if I caught anything myself, but I was hoping they would. I remember how thrilled you were when I caught my first and how excited I was. When Frodo caught his after only an hour, he could barely sit still and Merry was just as excited. I laughed with joy, just as you had laughed with me. Indeed, dear, how little has changed. I didn’t catch anything at all, but Frodo caught two more and he was so proud of Merry when his little brother caught one himself. When in his excitement, he cut himself on the hook and looked about to burst into tears at the blood and pain, Frodo grasped his hand, wiped at the blood and wrapped it in a clean bandage and then kissed it and hugged his brother, before I could do anything. Merry was soon smiling and laughing again. I was so proud of Frodo then. He is so much like you. It’s almost like having a small you beside me, but he is also very much his own lad. I love him, I love all the children Rose and I have been blessed with so very much. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank you for doing all you did to make this possible.

We then took a break to eat and then we napped some. I remembered to bring the hat I had worn went I went with you and gave that to Frodo. Merry had one he had picked out at the last Free Fair and I had the one that Rose had given me on her last birthday. We just lay out there, three hobbits napping on a lazy summer afternoon. Later, Frodo read to me out of the Red Book and Merry looked over his shoulder and sounded out the words himself. They still marvel at the drawings you made. They are most impressed by the oliphaunt which they never fail to hold up to me to view also whenever they get to the point. It doesn’t hurt much anymore to hear the tales read. The distance of time is blunting the sharpness of the memories, but today, listening to them read and doing with them when we used to do brought tears to my eyes.

Frodo’s face fell when he noticed that and Merry’s lip quivered at seeing the sadness he wasn’t quite sure what to make of. Frodo knew, though. He hugged me and leaned his head against my chest. “I miss him, too, Da,” he said. “I wish I had known him.”

I smiled at that, hugged him back and kissed his head and told him that I wished he had known you too. I also said how much he reminds me of you and he looked up and smiled widely at that and we were back to being happy again. Merry snuggled up to us both. His Frodo is the only Frodo he really knows, but he talks about his ‘Uncle Frodo’ just as fondly as he would if he had actually met you and it’s quite endearing. All the children love you, dear, just as I know you love them.

I remember how when you and I went out, you had brought along a story you were working on that had written yourself. You read me one part you were stuck at and asked how I thought it should go and when I told you, you just lit up even brighter and said, “Oh, thank you, my Sam! That’s perfect!” and gave me a hug. I didn’t think you could get any lovelier, but there you were, beaming brighter than the sun. I was so thrilled. I never shared my ideas with anyone else, but with you, it was so easy and natural.

We didn’t catch anything anymore that day, but I was just as thrilled to be out there with my lads as I had been with you. It never seemed to bother you that you usually never caught anything, but was always so excited when I did. I understand that now. I also never understood how you could be so comfortable on the water when it had been so terribly cruel to you by killing your parents, but I know that now too. I still love much more to be on land, but I loved today and it was because, just like before, I was with someone, two someones, I love more than life. You had forgiven the water what it done to your heart, just as you so much later forgave Stinker and Slinker. I hope, dear, you have learned to forgive yourself.  I know you must have because I have felt peace and joy in my heart in the place you have always lived.

Goodnight, dear.  I hope you sleep well. I love you so much.

Chapter Thirty-Six: A Day at the Fair

We all went to Fair yesterday, dear, Rose, Elanor, Frodo-lad, Rosie-lass, Merry-lad, Pippin-lad and Goldilocks, not to mention Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin and his son. Rose is swelling with our seventh and if that babe is another lad, then we’ve already agreed that he’s going to be named after my Gaffer.

Remember how much fun we always had? How we would race there so early in the morning to be among the first ones there, how we played at so many of the games and rode on the ponies and went for the hayrides? We ate so much food it’s a wonder we didn’t explode! The corn right from the stalk was always our favorite with the warm butter dripping down our chin. How wet we’d get bobbing for apples. You were always so much better at that then I was. Your curls always got completely soaked and the front of your shirt, then you’d emerge, shining and triumphant with the apple in your mouth that you’d then share with me. How beautiful you were, how very beautiful. I wondered so many times how I got so lucky to know you and have you be my friend and love me so much. You were such a gift to me, to all Middle-earth, so filled with joy and light it was almost blinding at times, but I never wanted to look away either. We would spend the whole day laughing for all the fun we were having and I would be fit to bursting with all the joy it gave me to hear that and to be with you.

Remember when we used to run those races with my left leg tied to your right? We didn’t usually win, sometimes we didn’t even finish, tripping and falling over each other. But we’d laugh so hard and enjoy ourselves no matter how well or poorly we did, simply because we were having fun together. I thought of that today when I watched Frodo-lad and my Merry run. They did a little better than we normally did and in their laughter and my own, I remembered ours. You have given me such a joyful life, my Frodo. I wish you could be here to see it for yourself. I don’t doubt that somehow you are.

The children look forward to this for weeks and every couple years, there’s a new one experiencing it for the first time. I thought of you as I watched the children munch on their corn and how protective they are of each other and how they would take one another by the hand and run off in different directions to either favorite things or things that the other hadn’t seen yet. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin watched over their namesakes and had just as much fun as they did. I stayed with Rose much of the time and we watched the children play and eat and laugh and I rejoiced that they had so much fun and it was so bright and warm and I thanked you again for all you had done to make it that way.

We stayed out all past dark even. We were all exhausted by that time but happy. We carried most of the children home, asleep in our arms, and I was that glad that Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin had come and enjoyed themselves as well. Rose had bought a few things we needed and we all collapsed in our beds when we got home.

What fun we had! Some of my earliest memories are from these Fairs, riding on my Da’s shoulder’s, eating corn, bobbing for apples. Many of the memories are also associated with you. I remember missing it only one time, that time I was that sick with a fever and wasn’t awake for two days and couldn’t leave my bed for days after that. I remember my mum telling me how you stayed with me the whole time, fretting over me so bad that you were biting your lip to keep the tears from coming and not always succeeding. I remember how you sang to me and held my hand and stroked my curls and made sure I had cool cloths on my forehead and enough water to drink. I couldn’t have been more than twelve. My mum told me she said that you didn’t have to stay, that you could go to the Fair and that she’d watch over me. You just shook your head and held my hand a little tighter. “No, thank you, Mrs. Gamgee,” she told me you said. “I’d rather be here with Sam. I don’t want him to wake up and have him not see me.”

She told me she had almost cried then and had hugged you and then sat down on the other side of my bed and you both waited for me to wake. A real gentlehobbit, she always called you. And, of course, she was right. She told me over and over after I recovered how moved she was by your devotion. It was only then that she told me how sick I had really been, how everyone was so scared I would never wake and how you had never given up hope and had not let her give up hope either and you were right. I woke up on the second day and you were holding onto of my hands and she was holding the other. The first thing I saw was you smiling down at me with those lovely, luminous eyes of yours, then you leaned down and kissed my head. “Welcome back, my Sam,” you said softly. “What a sleepyhead you are!”

I would have laughed if I had enough strength but I smiled for you and you smiled brighter for me and laughed for us both. I looked at my mum then and she kissed me as well, then you helped me sit up and put my pillows behind just right and you and her fed me and then I slept again, but it was a regular sleep, not a sick sleep. You stayed with me the entire time, holding my hand, watching over me, smiling, so full of love. When I realized that you had even stayed and missed the whole Fair, I felt so bad for you. “Don’t fret so, my Sam,” you told me. “I was where I wanted to be.”

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you so very, very much. Thank you for all the memories and joy you have given me for so very long.

Chapter Thirty-Eight:  Hamfast

We have another son, dear! We’ve decided to name this one after my old Gaffer. I think he’d like that. It’s been four years since he passed and I would have named our last lad after him, but then Mr. Pippin wouldn’t have given me any peace! I am that glad my Pippin is who he is, though I was right, he does so take after his namesake, but he is a joy and I know this one will be too. Another one born in peace because of what you did to make it so. I can’t ever thank you enough. The other children were already lined up to hold him barely before the cord was even cut. They know from long experience just what to do! I know this one will be adored just as much as all the others. Seven children, my dear! Oh, if my heart becomes any fuller, it will burst.

An exhausted goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you.

* * *

Oh, Sam, another lad to celebrate! I know your great heart must be bursting with all the joy and love you are so surrounded by. Mine is, just to know that I have another nephew and you another lad, another reward for all your sacrifices. It’s an incredible feeling to hear the first strains of a new melody, then as it builds louder and louder and more beautiful and complex. I know when you come here that you will be leaving behind much - all your children, perhaps even grandchildren. I’m still selfish enough to hope you will still come even with all the goodbyes you will have to say, but I hope also that you will know you are not going to be separated from them, not even here. I hope you will be able to hear each new strain as a new child’s parents accepts the blessing Iluvatar gives them or at least I will be able to tell you of it and you will know that your line is continuing and growing.

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Master of Buckland

Mr. Merry has been made Master of Buckland, my dear. A right smart one he will make too. You’d be so proud of him as I know you always have been. Mr. Pippin and his family and the whole clan of mine were there too, just as we were for Mr. Saradoc’s funeral. A sorry day that was, but it was coming and Mr. Merry told me later that he felt like you were there, holding him, just as he used to hold you when the anniversary of your parents’ deaths would come about. That helped him so much. Missus Esmeralda was smiling through her tears as he was officially proclaimed the new Master. I wish you could see the wonderful gifts King Eomer and Lady Eowyn sent! Miss Estella was there as well, but still she hasn’t been asked to be Mr. Merry’s bride. Why he’s let Mr. Pippin beat him to this joy, I don’t know. But he’ll ask, there’s no doubt, there’s just the wonder of when.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I hope I will. I can’t wait to be back in my own bed again! I love you and Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin send their love as well as always.

* * *

Oh, my Merry... I wish I could have been there with you, to sorrow and to celebrate and to hold you in grief and cheer. I felt your pain and shared in it as I knew something that deep could only come from a few sources. I listened intently for Pippin’s part in the Song and sent a silent prayer of thanksgiving that your heart and mine were not torn by that loss, but as I listened more, I realized what strains of the Music I no longer heard and the tears came then as much for myself as for you. I’ve lost my father, Bilbo who was like a father and now Uncle Sara who was father also. Sometimes I felt like I was a child of Sam’s too, but I know he’s still with me as you are and Pipsqueak. I think I would die if I lost you three. I hope, my dearest Merry, you felt me hold you in my heart and how much I longed to hold you in my arms. I am at the same time so proud of you! I will sing the prayers of the dead for Uncle Sara tonight in the Hall of Fire and I will pray to Iluvatar that He will watch over you especially during this time. I love you, my Merry, so very much.

Chapter Forty: Daisy

I sat in my chair in the parlour and listened to the joyful sound of eight children getting ready for bed. Yes, eight, my dear! We’ve been blessed with another lass! Daisy this one is and I just can’t enough of all the joy and love that abounds in this place that you gave us so generously. All the spare bedrooms are now lovingly filled with shouts of joy, giggles, whispers of adventures and murmurs of sweet dreams. Frodo-lad, Merry and Pippin remain as inseparable as their namesakes and they’ve started to include their little brother in their games too. Rosie-lass has taken Goldi under her wing and all are protected by Elanor who continues to show what a wonderful mother she will be one day, already is in many ways.

I smiled and laughed tonight just to hear all the joyful noise eight children can make. I closed my eyes and let that wash into me and through me and thought of how thankful I am for you and what you did, now so long ago. I know you are happy because I am and I couldn’t be if you weren’t. And I am happy, dear, so very happy and I am so glad you are healed and are now just waiting for me.

Sometimes I feel you are still here, as though you are standing just behind me. I can almost feel your hand on my shoulder, warm and strengthening. I think that if I turn around, I will see you, smiling so lovingly down at me. I never do look though. I don’t think I could bear that even now, not seeing you there, so I just remain happy in my thoughts, knowing you never leave them and I can always be with you there.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you so very much.

* * *

Oh, Sam, another lass! What a lovely addition to the Song! I couldn’t restrain myself from shouting out my joy even if it was the middle of the night. I think the Elves have gotten quite used to all my eccentricities and do nothing but smile and rejoice with me. Oh, my Sam, you have so much more living in the Shire to do, I think, but still I can’t wait for you to be here and to tell me all about your wonderful children and my Merry and Pipsqueak and everything else. And yourself! If I could drag that out of you... Thank you for making me an uncle again those months ago when I heard the first strains of the new Song and could have burst right then. I love you so, my dearest brother, I love you so.

Chapter Forty-One: Took and Thain

Mr. Pippin’s become the Took and Thain, dear, and we all went to celebrate that and to mourn the passing of Mr. Paladin. A fine hobbit he was and I know you would sorrow to hear of his passing. Mr. Pippin told me he felt you were there, holding him just as you held Mr. Merry and me. How much a part you remain in our lives, dear, that we couldn’t have even thought of when we said goodbye all those years ago. Must be the Elvish part of you that’s allowing this, but whatever it is, I thank the Powers that you are able to share our joys and sorrows just as though you were here. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin’s told me of the times they’ve felt you so close, just as I have, that we only need to turn and you’ll be there, but they tell me, they don’t turn any more than I do, for they couldn’t bear for their eyes to tell them you aren’t there when they know in their hearts you are.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. We love you so much.

* * *

Oh, my dear, beloved, ’squeak. I am so sorry to hear of Paladin’s passing and I hope you felt me hold you so tight when your pain reached me. After a bit of a frantic search to assure myself it wasn’t Merry who had passed, I listened further and heard, or I should say, didn’t hear, the strain that was Paladin’s. I didn’t think you could survive Merry’s loss, just as I’m sure I couldn’t survive you two or Sam, but I hope you felt my love try to fill the hole in you now. I love you, my Pipsqueak, or should I say Thain Pipsqueak now? Congratulations, my dearest. I am so proud of you!

Chapter Forty-Two: A Merry Wedding

Well, dear, Mr. Merry finally asked Miss Estella to be his bride and she said yes! Brandy Hall was filled to bursting with all the wedding guests that came today to celebrate. Mr. Merry has never looked happier and Miss Estella made a lovely bride. We all felt you here today, celebrating with us. Mr. Merry said he distinctly heard you say, ‘Finally!’

Oh, dear, I wish I could heard that myself, heard your voice. Sometimes I hear you sing to me when I’m having trouble sleeping. Of course, it doesn’t help me sleep at all at first because I so want to stay awake and just listen to your soft, lovely, loving voice, but in the end it always does the trick anyway and I thank you for that great gift of yourself. My life is so full here, so joyful, I have so much to celebrate, but I want to do it with you too. I just can’t wait to see you again.

Good night for now, dear. Sleep well. I love you, my Frodo. I love you so.

* * *

Finally! I wonder if you heard me say that, my Merry, for I shouted it so loud in my heart and only a little softer out loud when the joy reached me while I was out walking alone in the fields here. All my brothers married now! I ran down the hill in ecstatic abandon, arms wide out at my side. I could have flown. Oh, my Merry, congratulations! And even more congratulations to Estella for being so patient! I gave praise and thanks to Iluvatar for that great gift of knowing your happiness and asked Him to bless you two with joy and children. I get to be an uncle again! I love you, my Merry. Thank you for always being that and my friend and brother, a cherished part of my heart.

Chapter Forty-Three: Primrose

Our ninth was born today, dear! Even time I think my heart will burst with such joy and love, but still it beats and happily makes room for another one. This one is so lovely I wouldn’t even be able to believe she was mine, if it weren’t for her mother, but I haven’t been able to believe that of any of my lasses. Primrose we named her. All our bairns have lived up to their names and this one, I know, will be no different. Every time a new one comes, I can’t imagine being happier, then Rose tells me she is expecting again and the joy explodes all over again and I discover I can be happier. I wept today as I have each time I hold the newest one and I thanked you over and over again for the great gifts you have given me that these children are not threatened by the darkness you took upon yourself to conquer. It tried so hard to conquer you too, but it couldn’t do that. You had too much light in you and there is so much light in these children too and in Rose who grows more lovely with each one. I am more convinced than ever I will never, ever be able to thank you properly, but I know I will try that hard to do so anyway.

I am going to say goodnight early tonight and spend time holding my daughter and staring into her lovely eyes. She seems so fragile, even more than you did whenever I held you, but she’s strong like you, like all of her brothers and sisters and her mother, graceful under velvet and steel. I can’t imagine life without any of them I have been so blessed with.

Sleep well, dear. Thank you. I love you.

* * *

Oh, Sam, I think only you and Pippin can imagine what joy I have to know you are so happy with so many children! Nine now! I have kept track of them all as the proud uncle that I am. I may not know all their names, but I have spent nights out under the stars just listening to their marvelous Music with a huge smile on my face and so much peace and love I can hardly remember the times I didn’t feel that always in my heart.

Night has become a favorite time again for me, when I feel so small, but my dreams are so big and I can just lay out here all night and sleep in the arms of the One who loves me best, content to wait here until you came to hold me and then I have that joy as well. Oh, my Sam, I can’t wait, but Iluvatar has graced me with patience, with the knowledge you are never far from me because you have not left my heart. I don’t think I could have borne this separation without that blessing. I fall asleep with a huge smile on my face, just thinking and dreaming of seeing you again. I have prayed to Iluvatar, selfish as it may be, that He give you a taste of what it’s like here so you will not hesitate to come, though I know you will have so very much you will likely not want to leave. I think in a way He has already answered my prayers for I have felt your joy at all your children, but I can also feel clearly your love for me and that has helped me and soothed and comforted me as nothing else but His love can. I so look forward to the day you can see all this for yourself. Until then, know how very much I love you.

Chapter Forty-Four:  Meeting with a King

Elanor has been made a Maid of Honor to Queen Arwen, dear! We met the king at the Brandywine Bridge and it was just that wonderful to see him again. Just that very wonderful. He looks just about the same, though with some gray hair now, but very much the king and still very much our friend. I blushed that furiously when I called him Mr. Strider in front of his men, but it’s just easier for some reason to call him that. He laughed and assured me it was all right, though some of his men looked scandalized and even more so when he knelt and hugged me that hard. Rose said though she saw other men, Rangers, smiling and everyone could see the love and light in him. I hugged him right back, even cried a little, because I was just that glad to see him. I wish you could have been there. I know he wished it too. I could see all that in his eyes as he looked at me and asked me how everything was in the Shire. I was surprised by how remarkably well informed he was already about my own family. He gave a slight nod to the Rangers accompanying him. "I have my sources," he said with a smile. "It helped my heart and my loneliness at times to know how well my brothers are doing." He congratulated me and Rose on our large brood and congratulated her ahead of time for the upcoming birth of our next one, later this year. He told me he had a son and I saw him then in that light also, that he was shining all the brighter because he knew the same joy I did. I could have stayed there for days and days on end just talking to him. He seemed to know you were happy also and that helped his own light to shine brighter as well. See how many lives you’ve influenced and saved, dear? He asked that I gave you his greetings and love when I see you next and he seemed quite sure I would. I know I will, but it helped nonetheless that he was sure also. I promised I would tell you and I can’t wait to do so.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you.

Chapter Forty-Five: Additions to the Library

I have at long last, my dearest Sam, begun my history of hobbits for my friends here. Gandalf has told me much of the early history of which I was not completely aware. My friends and I have had many conversations already about how fond we hobbits are of our family trees. I remember Pippin telling me once that he tried to explain our convoluted family history to Faramir who, the poor man, was quite confused by it all and practically ran away when Pippin started to launch then into the Baggins family tree, saying that I was related to practically everyone. But that’s nothing compared to the genealogy of the Elves who can trace their ancestry back thousands of years and their longfathers are still hearty and hale and can repeat the history back even further. It’s rather fascinating, actually and I’ve included much of it in the history I am writing you, but I think I’ll leave you some surprises that you can discover on your own or perhaps we can discover together.

I want to make sure that they know all about you by the time you come so I am writing out the history of the War of the Ring again and this time it doesn’t hurt. I have the same memories, but the pain has been washed out of them and all I see is how much you helped me and made sure I was able to accomplish what Iluvatar set for me to do. And I know understand, more completely, than I ever did before exactly what that was. Even here, the Elves felt the Ring’s destruction, but they didn’t know exactly how that was accomplished and I am determined that they will now. I’m afraid it’s going to embarrass you terribly, dearheart, but I want them to know how special you are and why I love you so much.

Chapter Forty-Six: Bilbo of Bag End

At last, my dear, there’s a Bilbo living at Bag End again. My tenth child! And guess what, he was born on your birthday! This is the one year that we haven’t gone to the Havens to celebrate your day, but we celebrated both of them here. I am full to bursting with all my lads and lasses and not a day goes by without me thanking you for making it all possible.

The births are getting easier all the time and this one arrived even before the midwife did! That confirmed more than anything that he was well named - he was already anxious to start his first adventure!

He’s lovely just like all the others. It’s been fourteen years since you left and not a day goes by without me thinking of you and wishing you were here, especially on days like this, but I know you are in spirit. I know you never left. I can feel your presence everywhere and I can see you smiling over us. I can’t wait to see that smile with something other than my heart, but I know also that all the smiles I saw today in Rose and all my other bairns helps to make up for your absence.

The children all gathered around to see their latest sibling. Pippin-lad raised his little Primrose, just one, up to see her brother and Merry raised Daisy and then they all sat, now on two couches, to wait their turn to hold the babe. They were all in awe. They never get over someone so small. The eldest have seem many of them, but I think they forget and are reminded each time a new one comes. So you were right about so many coming. My heart nearly burst to watch them all gathered together. All mine! I can scarce believe it. Rose has been that wonderful. She is the most loving mother there ever was, outside of my own mum, and I think each one just makes her a little happier.

Bag End is certainly not anymore a quiet place of two scholarly bachelors! It is ever loud with the shouts and cries of children. A most lovely sound. Oh, there are arguments and fights too, but for the most part, they are each other’s best friends and a credit to hobbits everywhere. The study is not abandoned though, not at all. All the children’s studies are done there, just like Mr. Bilbo and you taught me and that is another memory I treasure as I teach them their numbers and how to read and write and remember all the times I was there. I want to open up the same worlds Mr. Bilbo and you opened for me. So like there is now a Frodo writing again at that desk, there will one day be once more a Bilbo. I wish I could show them Rivendell and Lothlorien, but with the Lord Elrond and the Lady gone, I don’t know if I would have the heart or even the permission to enter such lands. Still I smile at it all. All seems right with the world, though I wish, as I wish every day, that you were here. But you are, dear. You are.

Good night now, dear. Sleep well. Remember always how much your Sam loves you.

* * *

Oh, my Sam, I am so glad you are filling in all the corners of Bag End with such joy and cheer and so many, many children!  I so wanted the same, but I got my wish another way with all these nieces and nephews running about, exploring all the nooks and crannies and having fun hiding in the cellar and replaying all the adventures you and I had as I'm sure they are doing.  Dare I hope they have discovered books and all those adventures too?  Of course they have.  You wouldn't deprive them of that.  I am so happy for you and them!

Chapter Forty-Seven: Ruby

I wonder if even Bag End is going to be big enough for us all as another lass was born to us this evening. Eleven now, dear! I can’t believe it. But even if it does get a little tight in here, I am not going to move until it’s my time to go to you. It wouldn’t seem right to leave here prematurely and I hope that when I am ready to leave that Frodo-lad will want to live here or one of the others when I leave. Such a special place should stay in the family. Well, this Ruby of mine or so we’ve decided to name her, is as lovely as your other nieces. The lads are all crazy about her already and the lasses fighting over who should be first among them to hold her. And Rose and I are completely in love with her ourselves. Such a small mite, but so beautiful and she’s got eyes like yours that you can see the world in, though hers are green. I think she’ll be turning as many heads as her sisters will be. Thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing all this to be. If the Shadow had fallen, none of these blessings would have come to be. I should thank Mr. Gandalf too for sending us those eagles.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you.

* * *

Oh, my Sam, I hope you can feel my joy each time you make me an uncle again. I hope they can feel how much I love them and you, how tightly and tenderly I wish I could hold them and look into their eyes and sing to them and run and play games with them. They are all held close in my heart and I glory to listen to their Song, each melody distinct and beautiful, melding into a symphony I never tire of hearing. I love you all and I thank Iluvatar every day that He has blessed me with this knowledge that we are still together and I can share in your joys and sorrows just as though I was at your side. I hope He has blessed you in the same way.

Chapter Forty-Eight: The Big 7-0

Happy birthday, dear! I can’t believe you’re 70! Just as beautiful than ever, if not more so, I’m sure. I think of you with hair getting white that is just making you shine even brighter. We spent the day at the Havens again, all of us, even baby Ruby who is only 6 months now. I took her down to the water and she splashed around some in it in my arms. The older lads came up to Mr. Cirdan and talked to him as they do every year. He is very patient and generous with his time and their many questions and I thank him for it every year. He knows how much I want to be with you and I think he’s waiting for just that day himself so he can take me there. There’s some sort of ageless, knowing look he gives me each time that says that without words and also gives me heart the hope that you are doing well and are just waiting for me.

I watched the gulls for the longest time today after Ruby tired of the water and we just sat alone together on the dock. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin were with me too and I saw they were watching the same things. The birds were flying away from us, into the west, closer to where you were and I know we were all thinking the same thing - how much we wished we were birds too to take flight to come to you. One day, I will come, dear, one day.

I’ll say goodnight early now. I hope you sleep well and know we think of you all the time and still miss you and love you even more fiercely than ever.

Chapter Forty-Nine: Olorin

Now that I’ve finished the history of Samwise the Stout-Hearted, Meriadoc the Magnificent and Peregrin, Prince of the Halfings, and our dealings with the King who Returned, I thought I would enlighten myself and anyone else who cared to read about the history of the dwarves. I talked only a little to Gimli about this and I regret that we didn’t have more time because I know he was as proud of his family as I was. I’m not sure how well this will be received by my friends here but if I can bridge the gap between those two races like Gimli and Legolas did, I would be very pleased. But if not, at least, I will have the enjoyment of the tales myself and I know you will enjoy them too.

I asked Gandalf if he was aware of their history and of course he is. I am beginning to believe he knows everything there is to know. He is far, far older than we ever suspected, unimaginably older than even the oldest Elf and that’s saying a lot. And he’s far more special too. I had some glimpses of that in the Shire after we returned and more here, especially on that day I formally became a servant of Iluvatar. I’m not entirely sure whohe truly is, but he’s far more than a wizard. He shines almost as brightly as I’ve seen Iluvatar Himself, though nothing is quite as bright as that, and it’s mostly when our dear friend is singing praises to his Creator. He says that is when I shine brightest too. I love him all the more and am humbled and honored that he loves me. We’ve shared many a night with a pipe and his tales which I write down as furiously as I can.

I’m so glad you helped me to learn to write again, my Sam. It’s easier than ever here because I am doing so much of it! That is the best part of coming back to myself, that it gives me such joy to write again. I wrote the book of the Ring of course, but that was more an attempt to exorcize my memories and please Bilbo than any true pleasure I had myself in it. Now with all the writing I’ve done here, especially writing about you and Merry and Pippin and my king, it’s become joyful again and I have you thank for that.

Next I’ll be writing about Aragorn and his line going back to the beginning and believe me, Gandalf knows all about that too! You’ll have a lot of reading to do when you come, dearest!

I just can’t wait!

Chapter Fifty: Robin

I have another lad, dear! Twelve children now! Every time I wish you could be here to see them and hold them and love them (that I have no doubt you are already doing) and do everything a proud uncle would do with them. You would have such joy with them, taking them on walks, teaching them to write and read and embrace life.

I spend a lot of time imaging what it would have been like for you. Perhaps with all the distractions of so many lads and lasses, the Ring couldn’t have hurt you so bad, but it’s no use thinking of that. You are happy where you are and I am happy that you are happy. I feel in so many ways that you haven’t really left at all, that you could be just in the next room, where I can’t see you with my eyes, but I know you are there. I feel you so strongly in my heart, it is there that I see you. You are always smiling and laughing and you dance a lot. You are writing and reading and enjoying all the things we always enjoyed here - walks through woods, a smoke on the stoop, so many other things. I can still get lost in the middle of the living room, in the midst of lads and lasses all running around shrieking in childhood joy, and see only you. Rose tells me that I have this smile and peace to me then that I only have otherwise when I look at her or the children and she knows I am looking at you, another treasured no less than her or all the blessings we have.

The other day I heard Frodo-lad and Merry scribbling away in the study at one of their adventures they were making up from the Red Book and I almost thought it was you I heard. There are some times it is so clear to me that you are still here. I just closed my eyes and listened and smiled. Then Pippin and Bilbo grabbed at my hands and pulled me outside into a beautiful summer’s afternoon and we played outside until dinner. What joy you have given me, my dear treasure, what tremendous blessings that I can’t wait to thank you for! But for now, I will celebrate the latest and kiss his head for you and have another one to tell you all about when I see you. I am enjoying my time here more than I could ever tell you. Every night I thank you as I look up at the stars and think about you. Sometimes I am in no hurry to leave because I feel you so clearly still with me. Other times I just can’t wait to run into your arms like I used to do as a child and never let you go.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you so.

* * *

Oh, my Sam, another one! I am so thrilled for you and that you have made me an uncle once more. My heart is so full with joy that I can only imagine what it must be like for you. These are all your well-deserved rewards for all the sacrifices you made to keep me and Middle-earth safe. I can only render to you my humble thanks which seems to pale in comparison to all the joy your Rose and children give you. It tore me apart to leave you, Merry and Pippin and Aragorn, four of the most important people to me in the world. How much more difficult it will be for you to leave twelve children and five brothers and sisters! I feel you so close to me, even now, that I think I could bear it if you decided not to come, but I continue in my selfish desire and hope that you will. I know it won’t be until Rose passes and I grieve that I won’t be there to help you through that. I would wish more than anything that I could be, that somehow she could live forever so your heart would not be broken, but the time will come and I won’t be there. Still your children will be and I know that will help, even more than I could. I hope you will feel all the love I will be giving you that day for I have no doubt I will know of your grief and share in it, just as I know of and share in your joys. It has been a great consolation to me to be able to share still in your life and my cousin’s and my king’s. I love you, dearest brother mine. I love you so. 

Chapter Fifty-One:  Lucky Thirteen

I’m sorry I haven’t written much lately, dear. It’s busy around here with twelve active lads and lasses around here and number 13 was born while Rose, Elanor and I stayed in Gondor for the last year! It was wonderful seeing Mr. Strider again and a very good thing we were there because he was there to attend to the birth of our son, Tolman. I had talked to Rose about it and told her he was a healer as well as a king and she agreed, knowing how much I love him and all. He said he would be honored to attend the birth. Imagine that. A king honored to attend the birth of a hobbit! But I am that glad he did. I don’t think the babe would have made it without such a healer there because he was born with the cord around his neck and he was already blue. Strider took him into his arms, holding him as gently as he would his own son and Called him back just like he had you and me after the eagles and got him breathing again. I was never so glad to hear such a weak cry at first, then a full throated bawl! I think I was crying just as much from joy as I had been from fear just moments earlier, Rose and I both were, and even Mr. Strider was. He’s never minded me still calling him that. He just smiles and he’s got a wonderful, loving laugh. And he has his own special light, dear, similar to yours, and I saw it shining the day Tolman was born. I don’t think he had ever seen a newborn hobbit before, let alone hold one. It was a real pleasure to watch him so tenderly hold him. I don’t think he wanted to let go!

So I am pleased to tell you that he and Queen Arwen are doing very well. I know he misses you still as we all do, but he knows just as well I do that you are healed and happy and that makes him happy. And the queen is very happy with the decision she made so you could healed as well. We talked many times while we were there, mostly about you and Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin. Mr. Strider was very interested to hear everything. Busy as he is, he always made time for me and Rose and my Rose was very impressed, if a bit overwhelmed at first, by him and the queen and all she saw.

She was very good for agreeing to being gone from her home and children for a year, but I think she really enjoyed herself after she got used to everything. I showed her around many places and the king and queen themselves showed us more. We are still a bit of a wonder to the world of Men and many times I was that embarrassed with all the people recognizing me and coming up to thank me. There was no point in trying to explain to them that I had only done what I promised I would. They would hear nothing of it. They all know the Lay of Frodo of the Nine Fingers. Many times I saw Aragorn watching me with a smile and Rose was so proud of me. I saw her smiling even wider and that was enough to make it all worth bearing.

The city has been rebuilt even better than it was and the glory of Men and the Returned King shows everywhere. Those statues Aragorn insisted be made of the four of us are still there in the center of the square for all to see. Turned me bright red to see it, but Rose was that proud of it. And I was very proud to see you there. I stared at that particular statue for the longest time and in the midst of all the hubbub, I walked up to it and kissed your stone hand. I could see from where it’s been rubbed down that many, many other people have had the same idea. I’m glad at least here you are recognized for the hero you are, even if the Shire still cannot see it.

Goodnight, dear. We’ve been back home for almost a week, but this is the first time I’ve had time enough to write anything down. Our king sends his love and I send mine. Sleep well, my hero.

* * *

Oh, Sam! I heard the most terrible thing some time ago, or I should say, didn’t hear something wonderful for a short time. I knew you had been blessed with another lad or lass and I had been enjoying hearing that dear one’s particular melody build and deepen and grow, but then it faltered and my own heart almost stopped in fear of what that meant. I must have turned quite pale because one of my friend’s asked if I was all right and all I could murmur was your name. I tried so hard to stay with you, to try to help you and be with you. I felt Aragorn too and then I heard the song strengthening again and I think only then I was able to breathe again. I almost felt you and I took the same breath at the same time. Then I smiled up at my friend who was looking at me most concerned and told him everything was all right and that another nephew of mine had been born and we had to celebrate. That I did most heartily! But first I went to the dark room and thanked Iluvatar most fervently for the gift of knowing you and your new lad were all right and to have felt the presence of my king again.

Goodnight, my Sam. Hold your new dear one tight and love him for me as I know you have loved all your children. I sent a kiss into the wind tonight just for him. Perhaps it will reach him somehow. I love you, my brother.

Chapter Fifty-Two: Proud Papa 

Happy birthday, my dear! 80 now! I never fear that we are celebrating in vain for we feel you just as strongly in our hearts as though you are right there with us as I know you are. Mr. Merry came to the Havens with Missus Estella and their lad and Mr. Pippin and Missus Diamond came with their son Faramir who is already quite taken with my Goldilocks and she with him. Rose and I laugh at it because it reminds us of how we were at such an age.

Elanor came with Fastred of Greenholm. He has been courting her for more than a year now and a finer hobbit for my lass you cannot find. Rose and I keep waiting for him to ask for her. That he will we don’t doubt, but you know very well, dear, how long it took me to ask for my Rose, so we are content to watch them be so happy together and find their own way in their own time. I wish you could see her now, lovelier than ever and shining almost as brightly as you used to and I’m sure still do. I think sometimes she feels your presence too or at least dreams of you sometimes. She can’t remember you with anything but her heart, but she does know you loved her and held her and sang to her and she owes her name to you.

I think my Frodo-lad has an eye on a particular lass - he always dances with the same one at the Free Fair each year - but he has not actually begun to court anyone yet, though many of the lasses have wished they would be the one! But he’s not even of age yet and is much more fond of being with his brothers and friends than eyeing the lasses, except this one! And he loves to read, just like you did and I hope still do. He’s got his own favorite spot to, yours actually, and many a summer afternoon he can be found there, sometimes just reading alone, even out loud. The first time I happened upon him gave me quite a jolt because he’s got your dark head and when I saw him and heard his voice speaking, I almost thought it was you. I just stopped dead and listened. He has your name and has so much in common with you, but he is also very much his own hobbit and it has been a joy to watch him grow as it has been for each of my little ones. He found your place on his own, years ago, and told me then that he considered it “the perfect place to read and dream.” I told him that it had been your place and that you had described it to me when you first showed it to me in the exact same words. He was quite pleased to hear that for he does adore you. Sometimes he will read to his brothers and sisters and help act out the adventures therein just like we and Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin used to do. He often takes your role when they act out from the Red Book which he has long ago memorized and can quote entire passages from memory at any given moment. But he can’t always be you since my Merry and Pippin want to be sometimes too, though they are often content enough to be their heroic namesakes. Watching them with their beloved uncles acting out what we and Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin went through is a joy. They can do it from the safety of the Shire and I think for them it is not quite real, just a grand adventure. Oh, the hours they can keep at it just like we used to do!

And my lasses always want to be involved too. They are growing more beautiful by the day and Rose and I are fit to burst with pride. Where did all these blessings come from? Time is going by so fast. I can’t keep up with it. It’s been already twenty-seven years since you left! Years that started out in pain have so full of joy that I am fit to burst from it all. Who could have imagined it all when we were sitting there on the mountain with the fire all around us, just waiting to die? I still wouldn’t have traded that time for anything, horrible as it was, for all the blessings that have come because of what happened there.

Even with such joy around me, I have not ceased to wish to be with you, my dear, especially on days like this. I know even here you are still with me, that you will never leave me anymore than I could ever leave you, but still I wish I could see you with the eyes in my head instead of just my heart. I see you so clearly there, so bright and beautiful and overflowing with love. I can just about feel your kiss to my brow and your tender voice and the touch of your hand. I don’t know how much it will be until I will see you otherwise, but I have not lost my hope that I will. I don’t think that will ever die.

Sleep well tonight, my dear, wrapped in so many arms. We love you.

Chapter Fifty-Three: The Waiting Garden

Your garden continues to thrive, dearest Sam. The soil is especially rich here, even better than Rivendell or Lothlorien. Anything and everything will grow abundantly here, except, happily, weeds. I’ve been expanding it over time and now it encircles the whole smial, but for a small, white stone walk and stoop that it is itself flanked with flowers. I can’t wait for you to see it! It seems sometimes it’s waiting for you too. I’ve spoken so often to all the flowers and plants as I’ve watered them and pruned them and planted new ones and it’s been mostly about you. Oh, my Sam, if I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I’d walk forever in the garden. I am quite proud of it and I’m fairly certain that you will like it as well. Gandalf and my friends come by often to admire it and as much as I am pleased with their compliments, it is yours that will mean the most so I’ve been working very hard to make it the best I possibly can and I know you will make it even better.

I’ve planted an immense variety of all sorts and I am nearly beside myself with excitement in my anticipation of showing it all to you and impressing you with all my acquired knowledge. How well I know now that all this hard work is worth it and that it gives you a peace and contentment nothing else can match. I love all that is growing here, but my favorites are still the elanor and morning glory’s that I have planted in abundance outside my bedroom and yours and the kitchen. That way they are always the first and last things I see and I feel asleep quite content that I am surrounded by a bit of the Shire and the Elven lands of Middle-earth that you and I both love.

I spend much of my time here, reading and writing. I think I spend more time here than in the library! I am still working on my other gifts that I am determined to have ready for you when you come and I do now most of my work here on a bench surrounded by all those plants and flowers. Sometimes I close my eyes and just feel the wind across my cheeks and pretend I’m back at Bag End and you are nearby. It’s not hard to imagine. I know you are. I can’t hear you or see you with anything other than my heart, but you are there and I just need to reach inside myself to know.

The weather is the most delightful there can be, long, long summer afternoons that can be wiled away in the garden, in the woods, doing everything or doing nothing which here still means doing something, even if it’s only laying in the sun thinking. I’m not sure that makes sense, but I think you’ll understand when you come here. There’s an energy, a Life here that just embraces you and fills you. I can’t describe it in words but to say Iluvatar’s Presence is very much a part of this land. You’ll have to feel it for yourself and I can’t wait until you do. I can’t until I can come out to this garden and give you a glass of lemon water like I used to do when you were making Bag End so beautiful or until I can come into your bedroom and watch you sleep or have you share a cup or tea or a pipe or a second breakfast with me. Oh, my heart, there’s so much I can’t wait to do with you again! I love you.  I can't wait to tell you that again either!

Chapter Fifty-Four:  A Fair Wedding

What a day was today, dear! I know I’ve said it many times before, but I wish you were here to see it. I know in so many ways you were, but still, I wish I could have looked into your eyes and seen them dance and seen you dance at this party, with Elanor at her wedding! Such a celebration I don’t think there’s been since Mr. Bilbo’s last party. What joy there was on this lovely summer afternoon that seemed like it would last forever. And what a glorious feast - it snowed food and rained drink! I ate so much I don’t think I’ll need to again until tomorrow night. There were so many toasts and all our lads and lasses were excited to get a sip of ale to celebrate their sister’s joy. And how much of that there is - Elanor shined as bright as the sun today and Fastred was not far behind her. She has grown ever more lovely and today, she was the most fair I have ever seen her and I think she will grow even more beautiful. Fastred courted her for some years and Rose and I watched as she glowed under that love and how happy they made each other and will make each other for years and years to come. Another thing for me to be thankful to you for - this incredible day, spent in peace because of your sacrifices.

I don’t know if I’ll sleep well because I am so exhausted or poorly because I’m still so excited about it all! But goodnight anyway, dear and I hope at least you sleep well. I love you so much.

* * *

Oh, my dear Sam, what wonderful thing happened today? I felt such joy flood out of you. I haven’t heard a new song begin as I do when Iluvatar has blessed you and Rose with another lad or lass, but I have been listening to an older melody beginning to grow in importance that I’ve wondered about it. And I felt Elanor’s joy also. I have not felt anything like that before. Don’t tell me that enough time has gone by that she’s married now?! Oh, my brother, I hope that is so! I would be so thrilled for you to have received that as another reward for all you did to help me achieve the Quest. You’ll have to tell me all about it when you come. Now I’m going to put down my pen and sing out my joy to Iluvatar and in Hall of Fire and do a little jig around my favorite tree just to celebrate!

Chapter Fifty-Five: The Gaffer

I’m a gaffer, my dear! I can’t believe it. I was mourning on that mountain so long ago that I would never be able to marry Rose and now Elanor is a mum herself and I have a grandson! Oh, but he’s beautiful. His name is Elfstan. I thought my heart would burst when I held him. I’ve been filled with joy to hold each of my children, but it’s a different feeling to hold a grandchild. And again I thought of you, to thank you. This is now the second generation that you have saved, who have peace because of you. I can never thank you enough for that, dear, but when I came to you, I am going to spend each day doing that, taking care of you to thank you for taking care of us.

Goodnight, dear. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Sleep well. I love you so much.

 * * *

I felt something tremendously wondrous today, Sam. What are all these surprises that you keep showering me with? I felt the first stirrings of a new song some time ago, but didn’t really understand it until now. It didn’t feel exactly like one of your own lads or lasses and it didn’t feel exactly like when I felt Pippin’s or Merry’s lads. But I wonder. Oh, my dearest, most beautiful Sam, are you a gaffer now?! How wonderful, how very, very wonderful! And I’m a great-uncle! I’m so thrilled for you. I can’t believe it. Has it really been that long since I last saw you with something other than the eyes of my heart? I can see there just as clearly as I ever did. Time does not erase memories here, they are preserved forever and I can call you to mind, eyes so full of cheer and love that I swear if I only reach out, I could touch you for real. Today, I danced the longest and most joyous I have yet here around my favorite tree, sang the longest and loudest and happiest praises to Iluvatar and in the Hall of Fire. You are so well known here that I think you have as many friends here as I do and you haven’t even come yet! I love you, my brother. Thank you for filling me with so much joy!

Chapter Fifty-Six: Cooking for Two

We blew out 90 candles for you today, dear! 90! For 35 years we have been celebrating your day as though you were still here, just like you did for Mr. Bilbo after he left for the Elves. I suppose he is long gone now. It tears at my heart that you must be lonely and missing him, just like you were and did when he first left. I wish I could be there to help you, but one day I will be, dear, one day. Just hold on and I’ll come.

It took all 24 of us to blow your candles out. We had the party here in Hobbiton, out in a meadow, just those of us who love you most. It was a joyous day, a time for remembering, for cheering, for toasting, for wondering what you are doing today. I did much of the cooking, with Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin helping and we all wished that you were there also, sitting around with a beautiful smile in your eyes and on your face, taking a large piece of cake with frosting all around your mouth like a little lad. I think Mr. Pippin more than made up for your lack of being there to eat as he took your piece too. Mr. Merry and I had a nibble of it too and raised our mugs to you.

I know you are much happier where you are now, my dear, but how we wish you could still be with us. I know you couldn’t stay and we would have never made you, but still we can’t stop wishing. My Gaffer always said there was nothing good about wishes, just doing. But wishing is all we can do right now, all Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin can ever do. We don’t talk about it much, but they are glad and a little envious that I can go and see you. They will support me I know when it’s time to go and I know that they will look over my lads and lasses too, especially their namesakes but actually all of them. I couldn’t leave them in better hands.

Every time I kiss the children goodnight, I thank you for that joy and wish I could kiss you as well and not just a page in a book that I wonder sometimes if you’ll ever see. My Rose always knows when I get into one of these states and always assures me that of course I’ll see you again. She knows my heart inside and out and always has. So I know I will see you, dear, I know I will. Even if I don’t, I know you are still with me and always will be, tucked in my heart like you have been since I was nine. But still I long for the day when you will be tucked in my arms again, when I’ll finally be able to able come and take care of you like I did for so long and would have happily done forever. You’ve had to do it for too long and I miss everything I always did for you - cooking for you, just the two of us after Mr. Bilbo left; the walks and talks we had; the stories we read; the times that I’d just watch you sleep. I’ll come when I can. Look for me. I will certainly be looking for you.

Goodnight for now, my dear. Sleep well. I love you so much.

* * *

Oh, my Sam, sometimes I still miss you so. You are still so much a part of my life that I think you are just out of my sight and soon you will turn the corner and come in, whistling a merry tune or I can go out in the garden and watch you work away. And then you’ll look up at me and I’ll see all that love there and hear it in your voice and feel it in your arms. But you aren’t here. I can’t see you yet, not with my eyes, and only my heart can hear you. Most times that is enough to make up for your absence since you are still with me in so many ways, but there are days that I can’t help but long for more.

Bilbo and I shared the cooking, but he’s been gone long and though I often entertain my friends and have introduced many of them to much hobbity food, I so look forward to cooking for two hobbits again and not just myself. And I’m telling you right now, dearest, that I will be doing part of the cooking. I know you’ll consider it your place to do so and I won’t gainsay you all the time, but I will play your part once in a while. Oh, my heart, I can hear you sigh in that exasperation when I get stubborn on you. I smile at the thought of seeing and hearing that again, even though I have the strange feeling I’ve lost another argument with you and you aren’t even here! But come soon, my brother. I love you so.

Chapter Fifty-Seven:  Moving Away

I’m a little sad today, dear. Elanor and Fastred have moved to Undertowers on the Tower Hills. My first lass to leave home. She left Bag End, of course, when she and Fastred married, but she was still close by and now she’s going to be further away. But perhaps that will make it easier to leave when the time comes. She’s closer to you and I will stop to see her on the way. And maybe some of the other children will be moving out before I do to live out their own lives as I will mine. They’ve understood how much I still love you and miss you and I know they will support me when it’s time to leave.

Elanor has a splendid smial that’s big enough for the large family I’m sure she and Fastred will have. Elfstan is just the most beautiful child there is. I know I’ve said that about all my children, but this one combines Rose’s and Elanor’s beauty and Fastred’s together. I dare say that not only does his name sound Elvish, he almost looks it. Rose and I are going to be visiting often, but I know there’s going to be a lot I’ll still be missing about his growing up. Elanor is a wonderful mother and blossoming under that title and being a wife just as Rose did.

Frodo-lad has begun to actively court that particular lass he’s had his eye on and she is quite willingly returning his affections. I know it won’t be long that we will be having another wedding. I can hardly believe it. I know I will be leaving Bag End in very good hands when I do leave. There won’t be ever another Baggins living here, but there will be another Frodo and I’m glad of that.

I’m so lucky, so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such beautiful gifts! It will be hard to leave them all, but I know I will. I still can’t wait to see you again and I am glad that life will continue here just as happily for Elanor and Elfstan as it did for you and me. Thank you, dear. I can never thank you enough for that, but I will never stop trying to anyway.

Goodnight and sleep well. I love you so much and I am so grateful for you and all you’ve done to bring me such deep joy.

Chapter Fifty-Eight: Another Flower in the Family

Frodo-lad married his lass today, dear! We had a huge celebration in the Party Field, just as big as we had for Elanor. I can’t believe it. Two now of my bairns married. Time has gone by so quickly. I dare say my lad could hardly have picked a more beautiful bride either. Her name is Daisy and she’s a Bolger. So now we have another flower added to our family and we could not be happier. We ate and ate and drank and drank and danced and danced and cheered and cheered from early afternoon to long after dark. It was a most joyous day. You should have seen your namesake with his bride. I would say a happier couple there could not be, but you know Rose and I were the same and so was Mr. Pippin and Mr. Merry and their brides and Elanor and her Fastred on their days.   Mr. Pippin’s son, Faramir, is now actively courting my Goldilocks.  I think they are going to be next to wed.  Oh, my dear, what joy fills me!  You should have seen her glowing almost as much as the bride as she danced with her love.

All this is because of what you did, dear. I know when I see you again and you read this, you will perhaps still want to argue that point with me, that none of this is your doing, but it is. I helped you, but you’re the one that bore the burden. It was your sacrifices that made all this possible. What would have happened to us if you had not done what you did? That black land we trudged through would have spread throughout all of Middle-earth. We would have all been slaves or worse. What the Lady’s Mirror showed us would have come true. There would be no Rose or Elanor or Fastred or Frodo-lad and his Daisy or my Daisy or anyone. I hope that maybe you have been convinced of that now. But if you haven’t been, I still am and I still thank you every day when I wake and when I fall asleep. One day, dear, one day, I will be thanking you again in person and if you want to box my ears or give me a good talking to, I will gladly endure anything because I will be with you again. I will see your smile and your love and hear your laugh and your lovely voice and feel you hold me again. I don’t know why but I imagine we will be like lads again, off on our own adventures just like we were before any of this happened. We will be young and innocent again and no shadow of the past will fall upon us. We will have made it through to the other side, back to where we were before we even heard of the Ring. I know that doesn’t make sense. I can see you reading this and laughing in that sweet, wonderful way of yours, pulling me close and kissing my head and calling me your dear Sam. Well, sense or not, that’s how I picture it. The Elves always had a sort of timelessness about them, they who have seen more time than anyone, and that’s how I picture you now. Eternally young, bright, shining and beautiful. I think often of what your life must be like and I know I can’t truly even imagine it, but that don’t keep me from trying. I do know it must be that wonderful from all the joy I feel in my heart.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I think I surely will because I am just that ready to fall over. I’m getting old for all this celebrating, though it does make me feel young again at the same time. I love you.

* * *

Oh, Sam! I felt another outpouring of joy today from you and guessed at its source. I have become quite adept at discerning the different shades of your joys and sorrows or so I think to myself. And this felt like you did at Elanor’s wedding. So is that what happened today? Who was it this time? Frodo-lad? I felt his song surge especially strong and the first strings of another that I hadn’t been aware of before. Congratulations! I am so happy for you both. And this means I’ll be a great-uncle again soon! I so wish I could have been there, but I hope you felt my joy in your heart.

I think Gandalf is aware of your happiness too, as I have seen him many times with a soft smile on his face and a deep joy and peace inside of him. Every time I rush to tell him that I am an uncle again or other such glorious news, he looks down at me with that light within him and that tender, loving smile and look in his eyes that tells me that he already knows. He looked at me again like that today so I know he knows all about you and I would dare say all about Merry and Pippin too. I heard him muttering fondly about that ‘fool of a Took’ just the other day. We spend much time together, just walking through the woods and meadows, wading through streams. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes he holds my hand and I feel almost like I do when I’m feeling especially close to Iluvatar, that I’m safe and loved and protected and cherished beyond all ability to describe it. I know I am getting older day by day, but I am feeling younger too all the time. I am an adult, but I have the energy and innocence and joy of a child. I have passed through the deepest, blackest night and come into the sunshine, filled with light and the darkness has no purchase in me, barely even in my memories. There is so much here I want to share with you, so many adventures to have just like we used to when we were just lads. I just hope when you come, my Sam, you can keep up with me! But I will pace myself to keep up with you until you come to know how even the very air energizes you and fills you with Iluvatar’s peace and joy. I realize this doesn’t make any sense now, but just wait, my heart, until you come!

Our dear wizard helps me sometimes with the garden and we enjoy many an evening having a pipe together. He is so much more than just a wizard, but I still haven’t entirely figured out exactly what so it’s easier just to keep calling him what I do, especially since I think it amuses him to exasperate me when he’s just as obtuse as ever about answering things even when I ask him flat out. All we do together, even that, reminds me so much of all we did in the Shire that I almost feel at times that we are still in it.

I’ve come to make the smial here resemble Bag End as much as I can, though still delightfully Elvish as well. I couldn’t do that for a long time when the memories were too painful and I couldn’t bear any resemblance to the life I had left behind. But as time went by and I healed, I have brought around me as many reminders of the Shire as I can and find they bring me deep joy and peace now. I’m doing it for you, too, my heart, because you will always be part of the Shire and you will be here with your Elves. The best of both worlds! I am so anxious for you to come, but I tell myself that I must be patient. So I rejoice for you today and everyday, for your simple, joyful existence and all the joy you have brought to me and your family. Thank you, thank you, thank you, dearest brother mine, for all that you ever did for me and continue to do for me, all the cheer and love you have filled my life with to this very moment. I love you so. I can’t wait until I can see you again. And I know Gandalf is looking forward to it too.

Chapter Fifty-Nine: Holfast

Frodo-lad is a Pa, dear! Maybe I shouldn’t even call him lad anymore since he’s now got a lad of his own, but I think he will always be that to me. The babe’s name is Holfast. He is beautiful, with large, round eyes and a small tuft of sandy brown hair already on his head and the softest down on his feet. I can’t believe that I was holding another grandchild! For some reason, I don’t think Rose is surprised. I caught her looking at me holding him earlier today and she had the softest, most wonderful, peaceful smile on her face that I couldn’t help but return. She looked proud of me, though I couldn’t entirely figure out why until she told me the new lad was another reward for what I had done for you, now so many years ago. I didn’t protest with anything other than my eyes and my heart. I still don’t believe I did anything more than what I set out to do, but though I can win arguments with you, dear, I never can with her. She believes what she believes and I don’t even want to argue with all that love I see in her eyes for me, for her son and now her grandson. It’s a marvel to behold, just as this child is.

And I know in my heart that the lad is more a reward for you, than me. I walked beside you. You bore the burden. So when I kissed the newest addition to our family to welcome him, I silently thanked you once more for filling my life and heart to bursting. I could have never imagined how full my life would be, who I was helping to protect when I was protecting you. You always knew though. You named half of my children before I did. Did you know even then, trudging on to Mordor, who you were doing it all for, generations you would never see but in your heart’s eyes? I know you were doing it for me, for Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin, but you were also doing it for all of Middle-earth, so we could all live free and in peace and bring our children up in the light. Maybe you weren’t thinking that far ahead, but maybe you were. I can’t wait to come and tell you about everyone you saved. Sometimes I think it will be hard to leave everyone, but not a day goes by when I don’t look forward to seeing you again.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you.

* * *

Oh, my Sam, it’s nearly impossible to tie yourself up in fretful knots here, but sometimes I still do manage it anyway. I’ve had the great joy of listening to a new melody gain strength within the Song and as it burst out today, I danced around my tree and shouted praise and thanksgiving to Iluvatar for another marvelous gift He has given you. And I felt Frodo-lad’s joy almost as much as yours. I was so happy for you, but fretful for my selfish self. How I wonder will you ever want to leave all of these blessings? You made so many sacrifices for me on the Quest and afterwards, how can I possibly ask or hope that you will want to make more, to walk away from so many more than I did?

I remember all the love you have lavished on me since you were nine, the handkerchiefs offered during colds, the shoulder to cry on, the refuge of your arms and the comfort of hearing your heart. I remember all the meals and teas you made for me, the songs you sang, the kisses you bestowed, the tears you wiped, the nights you went with little or no sleep just so I could have some. And I think of all the times you must have done that for all your lads and lasses and now your grandchildren and I wonder how can you ever want to leave that?

I have been so blessed by you in my life, dearest brother mine, so very, very blessed. I just want to one day tell you that. That’s all I want anymore in this life - just to see you again, hold you again, hear your voice and look into your beautiful face. So to that end, I continue my daily, selfish begging to Iluvatar that I will see you one day on these shores, that you will come to the home that is just waiting for you and you will come to know our Creator as well. Outside of Him, I could have no better friend than you, my Sam. Soul of my soul. My brother. All that is bright and beautiful in the Shire. All the time we were on the Quest and the darkness filled me more and more and the Ring stole everything I held dear, all my memories, I just had to look at you and be reminded of it all. Even now all I need to do is think of you and I am back in the Shire. You sustained me when otherwise I would have fallen into madness and I hope one day I can thank you for that. I know I never could properly, but still I wish I can see you again to at least try.

I’ve confessed to Gandalf my wonder that Iluvatar is not sick of my badgering Him for that one last blessing when He has already given me so many. Our dear wizard laughed gently and hugged me tight and assured me that was not the case. “Eru delights in giving His children gifts,” he said. “And since Sam is one of His greatest to you, don’t doubt that He will rejoin the two halves of the soul that you and Sam have long shared.”

That much consoled me. Gandalf was looking like he does when he knows something before I do, so my peace returned and my certainty that you will come. And I have learned more and more to place my complete trust in the One who made us. I surrendered myself to Him at the Council all those years ago when I didn’t even know Who I was placing myself in the care of and He has never abandoned me. I know you won’t either, my Sam. I have dreamed at times how much you want to come and have woken comforted from them. I know even if you don’t come, you are still with me, but I do believe I will see you here one day and how I will burst with joy then!

I love you, my heart, I love you so.

Chapter Sixty: A Visit From a Friend

I thought I saw you two days ago, dear. It must have been the fever that had me laid low, but I opened my eyes and there you were before me, plain as day, smiling down on me with so much love, I began to cry. You looked so beautiful, so happy, so at peace. I wanted to call out to you, but I didn’t move, I scarcely even breathed, so scared I was to disturb the lovely dream of seeing you again. You gripped my hand and held it gently and I swear I felt that. I can still remember feeling it and how wonderful it was when you leaned down to kiss my brow. I know I heard your soft voice, too. “Hold on, my Sam,” you said against my ear. “I am waiting for you.” Then you were gone, but I know you were there. Something Elvish in your blood, my dearest. I always thought so. My fever broke yesterday. I know it was because you came. Everyone thought I was dying, and maybe I was, surely I had never felt worse, but you watched out for me, for all of us. Somehow you did.

I’m so frightfully weak, but Rose has been wonderful and the children. I’ve been well entertained by their stories and playacting when I haven’t been so exhausted by this fever that I can’t keep my eyes open. My Rose has had little sleep the last few days and I am glad she is finally able to get some now. She has exhausted herself keeping vigil.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I will! I love you.

Chapter Sixty-One: A Tookish Wedding

Oh, my dear, another lass of mine wed! As Rose and I knew and watched with joyful anticipation, our Goldilocks married her Faramir today. Mr. Pippin and Missus Diamond were shining with pride just as much as we were and I think Mr. Merry was almost as much, just because his Pippin was so happy.

You must be just that sick of me, dear, to always be saying it was you that made all this possible. But it’s true and I’m not going to stop saying it. You know how much I always wanted my Rose and a life with her and if the Shadow had not come and threatened all that, I suspect we would have much the same life as we do now, but it’s richer now somehow, as though from such darkness as we knew, the light is shining all the clearer because there was the threat it would never shine again. But the Shadow was torn apart and disappeared in the wind because you were there to confront it. It reigns no more because you stood up to it. I hope you have realized long ago the truth of that. I know you suffered sorely because of what you felt was your failure, but do you see now how much you succeeded instead?

I wish you could have been here today. I wish you could have been here every day to watch and celebrate the lives of all you touched and saved. No one else remembers you and the War except Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin and our families, but we don’t hesitate to celebrate your achievement and sacrifice. Today was bright and beautiful and I could have died from the happiness of it all and I know I owe much of it to my Rose, but even more to you.

Goodnight, me dear. Sleep well. I love you.

* * *

Oh, Sam! What wonderful thing has happened now? I wish I could be right there with you to celebrate each of these marvelous events as they happen. There is not one day that I don’t give thanks to Iluvatar that He has granted me this gift to know when He has blessed you once more. I feel it’s almost as though we are still together when I feel your joy so strongly and this time I felt my beloved Pipsqueak’s too and my Merry’s not so far behind. What a great gift to feel all three of you so hearty and hale and happy! I am so glad! I did what I always do, danced and shouted and gave thanks to Eru. I also spent much time at the beach, facing east. In fact that is where I am writing this now and the weather is so mild, I think I will even sleep here tonight. It has been a long time since I have done this, but I wanted to, needed to today.

I do not regret I came here or what my life has been like here. I am in the arms of Iluvatar and there is no better place. I know this is where I am meant to be. I am content and at peace, but I do miss you all sometimes still so sorely and today was one of those days. I know that there is another life beyond this one and I know one day I will see my beloved cousins again and meet all my nieces and nephews and all those I have loved even though I have not met them and I will see my parents and Bilbo again. But sometimes I still wish that things had been different and that I could have stayed with you all. I feel guilty when I have these regrets because I have been so very blessed and I have long ago come to accept the cost of my failures and successes or so I think, then I am surprised at times by these unseemly sorrows. It is usually enough to know that you are happy, that Merry and Pippin and my king are happy and you have all been amply rewarded for all your sacrifices and brave deeds and I have received my reward. But I do miss you all! So tonight I will sleep here and apologize to Iluvatar that His stubborn, willful child is sounding so ungrateful and that he even dares to plead for another gift, that he will dream of you four tonight. I love you all so much.

I look at those words and they are so pitifully inadequate to reflect what I really feel. Perhaps if I wrote out what I did when you taught me how to write again - I love you, one hundred times. Maybe that would come close. I can’t wait for you to come, my Sam, to tell me everything and I mean everything! I am going to be all ears and I will have plenty of raspberry leaf tea ready for that terrible sore throat you are going to have because I won’t let you stop!

I’m going to hold this book close to me tonight because I don’t have you and I so wish I did, but at the same time, I know you are needed and loved right where you are. I will wait.

Chapter Sixty-Two: One Hundred Candles

We had a huge birthday party and cake for you today, dear, to celebrate your birthday. 100! The last several times we’ve had the celebration at the Party Field and sang to you and then as dusk was falling, we all blew out the candles and had a feast. The whole rest of the Shire thinks we are cracked, but we don’t care. We watched the stars come out and many a pipe was had and joyous celebration was all around. It’s hard for all of us to get to the Havens each year, but at the very least Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin and I do it, if not right on your birthday, then on the day we said goodbye. Sometimes it’s a solemn day for us, sometimes more joyful. I don’t know how more times we’ll be coming here until I come here for the last time. I would imagine your cousins would continue to come until they too leave the Shire as I wonder if they will one day. They are more anxious and restless these days, even with their advancing age and I wouldn’t be surprised one day if they did leave, to go to Rohan or Gondor or both. I don’t think they will though until I do. We haven’t spoken of it, but there’s some sort of understanding I feel between the three of us that we should remain together, to help each other celebrate your days and times now long past.

I love my life here - you and Rose have given me so many blessings that I am overwhelmed by them all - but I am beginning to feel as you must have, that home is somewhere else beyond the Shire. I don’t know how much longer it will be and I don’t want to rush it. I don’t want to lose Rose, the last thing that will keep me here, but the day is coming and I am treasuring my time here all the more.

Goodnight, dear. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin also kissed these pages and you goodnight. They miss you so even now, but they know you are still with them, sharing in their joys and sorrows just as you are sharing mine. Sleep well in our arms tonight. We love you.

Chapter Sixty-Three: The Eleventy First

Mr. Pippin insisted we have the biggest party ever for you today, dear, just like Mr. Bilbo’s had been for his eleventy-first. This one we held in the Party Field. It was small, well, small for Shire parties, just our three families and that’s already a handful and we wanted no one else anyway. We wanted to be here this year, more than any other year, in the land that gave you birth and it was more special for that reason. We had feasting and fireworks and music and dancing and smoking that lasted until the stars began to fade. Of course, there is still talk about how cracked we all are to still be celebrating your day, but we know you are still with us. Those you loved the most and love you the most are still here and that’s all that’s important. The king sent gifts that he asked I give you when I see you next. You will love them. I think he knows too that it won’t be long.

Rose remains as healthy as ever, lovely and bright, but I hold her especially tight now and treasure her all the more deeply, because I feel our time is slipping away. Nearly sixty years she has been the joy of my life, the heartbeat I fall asleep to and wake up to. Thirteen children and now the grandchildren are the lights and joys as well for both of us. I have been blessed beyond measure and my life has been full. But it’s not over yet. There’s more to come. I dream of it often now.

I think Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin feel it too, that the time is coming close, because they are around Hobbiton more often. We don’t talk about it, but when I leave it will be another member of the Fellowship that will be gone and I think they will be leaving at some point too. Mr. Strider has kept his word that no Men, including himself, enter the Shire. I wish I could see him again, but I don’t want to leave Rose. Your cousins will go to Rohan and Gondor that they have visited often enough in the past. They will go together and the last of those hobbits who fought in the War of the Ring will leave the Shire. But the tales will go on. I know already that I will be giving Elanor the Red Book and there are other copies that will be kept also. Somehow I think it’s important that some part of us remains here, that the story is still told and is never forgotten.

Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you and I will see you soon.

Chapter Sixty-Four: The Last Ship

You’re 112 today, dear! I looked for a long time at the ship I will take to you. It’s the only one left in the harbor. Many of the other Elves have already left. It appears to be just waiting for me, but I know there are others that will be abroad too. Mr. Cirdan assures me with that soft smile and nod of his it will not leave without me. I wish I could go back to Rivendell or the Golden Wood, but it’s too late. I got up enough courage to ask one of the Elves about it once, but those wondrous lands been emptied, I was told. I was that sad to hear about that, as though there was so much brightness fading from the world that will never return, some of the same brightness that faded when you left and took your light with you and the Lady left and Mr. Gandalf and Lord Elrond. So much light gone from the world, but still the sun shines and my heart is happy within for the light having once been there, theirs and yours and knowing that somewhere it is still shining and always will be.

I don’t think it will be long now. Rose and the children and grandchildren threw a huge party for me back on my birthday, my 100^th! It was a glorious day. I treasured the entire time, though I was a little embarrassed by it all too. But everyone was there and it was just that wonderful. I have a feeling it’ll be one of the last I’ll celebrate in the Shire. My heart is increasingly hearing the voice of the Sea and it is pulling me ever onward. It is hard to leave the Havens now as I feel the Shire is no longer my home, but my home is out there somewhere over the water, wherever you are. Rose understands and the children have prepared themselves for years for this. They have always known one day I would leave to fulfill that vow I made that I would follow you when the time came. How many years have passed since then! I never thought it would be this long. Sometimes I feel it’s a mercy that time had flown by so quickly, other times I have grieved that it has, that you’ve missed so much here and I’ve missed so much of your life. Over half of it now gone on without me and the hole in my heart that had been made so long ago when you left, that healed so long ago, is open again. It’s only going to be healed this time by seeing you and holding you again.

Goodnight, dear. It won’t be long until I will be saying to you instead of writing it in a book. Sleep well. I love you.

Chapter Sixty-Five: Death of a Rose

Oh, my dear, my Rose died in my arms not two days ago. But that was hard! When I knew it was the end - my ma had had the same look - I did what I had done then. I buried my head next to her heart to listen to it, to silently beg it to continue, to try to force my own strength into her. But the beat faltered, then stilled all together and in both those moments, I wished my own heart had stopped so I could follow her, but it didn’t either time. Instead it gave such a wail that I wonder that the whole Shire was not raised - the same wail it had made when I watched you leave and when my Gaffer died.

But it was not a hard death for her. It was peaceful and she didn’t suffer much I don’t think. I think she was suffering more for me than for herself. She just took ill one summer day and never really recovered. She died early in the morn, just as dawn was spreading. I held her in my arms and she struggled to speak, to touch my cheek, to tell me she loved me and to thank me.

I told her I loved her, I told her over and over again. I didn’t think she had anything to thank me for, but I knew I had a lot to thank her for and I tripped over my words as I tried to get it all out before she faded away. She smiled at me and wiped at my tears, then I buried my head and held her so tight. Her last words to me were, “Go, my love, to your new home.”

I never really understood what Mr. Pippin said about Mr. Gandalf telling him about a life beyond this one, but I do now. Rose’s face was the most beautiful and peaceful I had ever see it when she passed. And, she glowed softly, just like you do, but even brighter. I know she’s gone onto a better place and I know she has blessed my choice to go too until we can meet again. I held her for a long time after her last breath passed. I rocked her and sang to her and cried harder than I have since you left, then we, the children and I, buried her next to her parents and mine.

I kept the garden going for her because she loved it so and now flowers from there make her grave the prettiest one there if a grave could ever be said to be pretty. I have spent much of the last two days there. I slept beside it last night. I couldn’t bear to be in that big bed all by myself. There’s been tears aplenty all around, but a lot of love too. I’ll be here a couple months more, getting things in order, but I know now my life here is over. It’s hard to leave, but at the same time, I look forward to it. I have a much better understanding now, maybe, of how hard it was for you and how necessary. I’ve done my part.

Frodo-lad is going to move back in so you know Bag End is going to be in good hands. He loves books and writing just as much as you do so that’s all going to be safe too. He’s going to help me get ready to leave and Elanor is going to come to help too. I am going to treasure the rest of my time here and then when it’s time, I’m going to come to you. I’ve already decided to set out on your birthday. It seems right that I should it then. You’ll be 114! I know you are still with me and I imagine just as young and beautiful as ever. I don’t know whether you’ll recognize me though! I don’t have the benefit of your Elvishness and it’s as a old hobbit I’ll be coming to you, but I’ll be coming, coming at last. The last of the Ring-bearers coming home. It may be only to die in each other’s arms, but I hope for more than that.

Goodnight, my dear. Sleep well. I love you.

* * *

Oh, my dearest Sam, a terribly calamity startled me out of my sleep. I wasn’t sure at first whether a nightmare had claimed me or what had happened, but then I woke and felt it was your pain that I was sensing, as deep as it had been when I left you at the Havens. I knew it could only be because of one thing. I’m so sorry, my dearest heart! I’m so very, very sorry! I didn’t even bother to change out of my nightshirt, but raced down to the shore. I wanted nothing more than to be with you and the distance between us meant nothing. I splashed up to my knees before Gandalf caught me. I struggled and squirmed and begged that he let me go, that I had to go to you, but he wouldn’t let me go. As usual, he already knew what had happened. He felt it too. I collapsed against him and cried harder than I have since I came. I have felt so often the distance between us, my dear brother, to be nothing more than the space between two heartbeats, but then I felt the insurmountable physical distance. How I wish I could have been there with you, to hold you, to cry with you! I so hope in some way you could feel me near, all my love and my sorrow. I don’t think it will be long now until I see you again and then I will be able to hold you and cry with you. But to have the reason that you can come is because you lost your Rose! Oh, my heart, I wish there could have been another way! I love you and I am praying that Iluvatar will strengthen you in this time.

Chapter Sixty-Six: Leave Taking

I’m writing this on my way to you, my dear. I’m a bit of a mess because my heart is torn in two between hurrying and taking my time to make sure I don’t miss anything. I’ve decided on the latter. As much as my heart longs to be with you and to run all the way to the Havens and swim the rest of the way, it’s also rooted in the Shire and I want these days to last in my memory. Besides, I’m 102 years old! I can’t race around anymore, even if I wanted to. I’ve spent long hours this summer at Rosie’s grave, talking to her, tending the grass around her grave. It hurts still something fierce, but it’s peaceful too and it’s becoming more so. I know she hasn’t left me anymore than you have and I know even when I leave here and can’t visit anymore, she’ll still be with me, because she’s in my heart. Each time I’ve left, I’ve kissed the top of the marker, where her name was. Two nights ago I slept beside her, beside my parents. Last night the children held a farewell party for me. This morning I kissed the marker of my Rose for the last time.

Frodo-lad was waiting for me as usual at the cemetery entrance after I did that. It’s been hard on the children to lose their ma, but he’s been that wonderful since Rose died. That’s not to say he hasn’t always been wonderful, but it seems that our roles are almost reversed like ours became after a while and he’s the elder looking over a younger, protecting me like I always tried to protect you. Besides Elanor, he’s the one who understand my heart the best of all my bairns. I think he has much more of you to him than just his name. He’s never tried to replace you and I wouldn’t have wanted him to. He’s his own hobbit and I love him dearly just for who he is himself. But he has your heart. He understands that sometimes the deepest communication between two people can be when no words were spoken at all, when all that is needed is silent companionship, the squeeze of a hand, the brush of the lips against the brow. So our last walk home was spent, hand-in-hand, cherished by us both more than any words could say.

The farewell dinner was last tonight.. I spent this last, loud night surrounded by children and grandchildren, amazed at them all. It could have a joyous birthday present for all the cheer that surrounded me. That they can do that for me, so soon after losing their ma, that they can happy for me, amidst their own pain is a wondrous gift to me. Elanor and her kin I’ll be seeing in the next few days, but everyone else was there and they all came to hug and kiss me goodnight at the end. I welcomed each of them into my arms with a smile, a few words and a return kiss.

Frodo-lad was the last when all the others had gone. He kissed me, held me tight and I hope he felt the return embrace as protective and loving as it had always been. I hope they all felt that. When he broke away at last, he saw my tears and he was able to let his own go and we held each other tight again, crying, then wiping at each other’s cheeks and smiling at each other. They were other tears tonight too, but there was much more love. The children have all written notes to you that I’ll be bringing with me. You never met any of them but Elanor, but you are still very much part of their lives and they love you and that is why they can let go.

This morning was spent in tears and brave smiles, in tight embraces and long, last looks, in good wishes, kisses, “I love you”’s and “I’ll miss you”’s. Then a slow walk down the path leading away from Bag End and a turn around to wave at the new owner, still named Frodo, and more brave smiles. I’m writing this in a meadow along the way to ease some tired limbs and give the pony a chance to nibble at the grass while its rider nibbles at a large mushroom salad. I’m having a pipeful of Old Toby and plenty more stuffed in my bags, as I know you would have run out long before and I hope you have rediscovered the joy of a good pipe again. I read a little from the Red Book, then now I think a nap before continuing on to an inn for the night will be good. My muscles are already aching. I think I am going to be doing nothing but sleeping on that boat, which might not be a bad thing, you knowing how much I can’t abide being on the water. Only for you, my dear...  I’ll write more later.

I’m in a very comfortable feather bed now.  I spent the rest of the afternoon, as I know I will spend the days until I reach the Havens, with many long looks around, memorizing everything, breathing everything in, listening to everything. I don’t want to forget anything and I want to remember it all for you too.  I spent sometime before the fire in the common room tonight, reading from the Book, tracing the writing and remembering the hand and person behind it, the growing anticipation of seeing you I still so love.  Goodnight for now, dear.  Sleep well.  I will!  I love you.

This morning I said farewell to Elanor and her family. There were more embraces, more tears, more well wishes, more brave smiles, more kisses and “I love you”’s and “I’ll miss you”’s. The last thing I saw was Elanor smiling through her tears in silent blessing, understanding just as well as her oldest brother what this means to me.  She had the Book tightly clasped around her, for another generation to safeguard, to celebrate, to never forget. We waved at each other until I turned a bend.  All that is before me now is you and how long I’ve waited for this.  How very long.  I wiped at the last of my tears, some happy, some sad and wrapped myself in the love of all my children and grandchildren and memories that will last a lifetime, memories I can’t wait to share with you, my heart’s brother.

I’ve reached the Havens early this afternoon.  It was more beautiful than before, like I was seeing it with fresh eyes.  The sound of the sea was so welcoming and I wondered that such a sound could be welcome for someone like me, but now I feel like I could swim the whole way myself since it means you’ll be there to welcome me.  Mr. Cirdan smiled at me.  I was just that tired before I saw that smile and I had to be helped up the ramp.  I think my legs were unsteady not just from the long ride, but the excitement that I will be seeing you soon at last, but as soon as I stepped on the ramp, all my fatigue dropped away and a great joy surged through me.  I nearly ran up to the deck!  I’ll be with you soon, dear, my dear.  Soon hold you in arms that have so long ached to do so and be held by you, soon hear your voice and I dearly hope the laugh that echoed in my memories all these years; soon look into eyes so full of light and love and see them looking back at me; soon be wiping at joyful tears instead of remembering all the sad ones.

I spent some time looking back at the shore I will now be leaving forever, but soon I faced around and looked toward you.  I understand better than ever what I’ve felt in my heart for a long time.  I’m not leaving my home.  I’m coming toward it.

Sleep well, my dear.  I love you.

Chapter Sixty-Seven: Coming Home

Hello, my Frodo dear. I am writing this on the ship that I will take to you. It’s been 61 years since I said goodbye to you, and now, soon, I will be saying hello, actually to you and not just writing something on a page. Do you have any idea how much I’ve longed to say that to you and to hear you say it back? I’m glad I didn’t know how long it would be until I could. I don’t think I could have borne it. I don’t like the water anymore than I ever did, but I won’t mind this time. Every moment I will be getting closer to you. I can’t wait until we leave, but Mr. Cirdan says we must wait until evening. I don’t think any day in my life has gone slower than this one!

I am bringing this journal with me so you can know how much joy you have given me and so many others. I don’t think I ever told you, but I dreamed that you received the gift Elanor sent you when she was seven. In her own writing, she penned you a little note, just to say hello and tell you that she loved you and missed you and hoped you were all right, then she drew pictures of herself and Frodo-lad and me and Rose and ‘her babies’ as she liked to call them, Rosie-lass and Merry-lad, just so you would know what we all looked like. It was such a dear thing for her to do and then the other children wrote and scribbled a little of their own. I wrote just one line myself, then we set the bottle afloat. In my dream, I saw you pick it up and rather puzzled, look at it and open it up and your face lit up like the sun when you realized who it was from, then you cried and held it tight against yourself. You were so happy. It was just that wonderful seeing you like that. You were practically glowing. When I woke up I missed you more than ever, but I also felt closer to you. I smiled all day long just from that joy. She sent you a new picture every time another lad or lass was born, but I don’t know if you truly got any of them.

In all the excitement of earlier, I forgot to tell you that Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin came to see me off. We cried a little, but I know they are happy for me. They can’t help but wish they could join me, but they are at peace with the fact that their lives are here and that they will see you again. They send all their love to you. We have never forgotten you or stopped missing and loving you.

From our earliest memories we knew we were in love with you and you with us. I’ve wondered many times why couldn’t we have always been like that - so joyful and carefree, no storm on the horizon or battering our hearts and tearing at our souls, blissfully ignorant that there was even such a thing as evil. Our love for you and yours for us I know never faltered, but why couldn’t the rest have remained the same also? I know what you would say, what Mr. Gandalf said, that everyone who experiences such wishes they could have been spared from it. When I think of these things, I also think that because of you, my children and everyone in the Shire, do have that same carefree joy because you did not shrink from confronting evil when it did come to us. Yes, you would have wished to have been spared - we certainly wish you had been - but then I think that I love and admire you so much that you did not seek to be spared, that you gave everything so we could have everything. The children you saved the Shire for will continue to thrive there and generations untold after them, all thanks to your great gift to them. Finally I will be able to thank you myself.

These have been very happy years for us and we have you to thank for that. We all wish you could have been here to complete our joy, but you have always been in our hearts and thoughts. You have never truly left us. It took me a long time to understand that. At first all I felt was your absence, but then I began to feel your presence. You may not have been physically there, but it didn’t matter anymore. You were still there even if my eyes couldn’t see you. My heart saw you. I began to see again your face lit up from within and your smile and your laugh like poured sunshine and the love that always shone from your eyes and voice.

I remember, too, when your smiles and laughter were gone, but your love was stronger than ever, when it was just you and me and an iron determination to keep all we loved safe, even if we didn’t survive ourselves to see it. Everyday I have thanked you for your sacrifice when I look at my children or any of the Shire or my Rose or even in a mirror and see happy faces there, happy because you gave everything so they could have everything. I don’t remember the pain anymore, all that remains is your love.

I leave all my children and grandchildren safe and happy because you have loved them as well. We all cried when I said goodbye, but I think some of those tears were happy ones. They know I am coming to you and know that, though I will miss them, I will be happy. They’ve all read from the Red Book or have had it read to them, and they understand that it really happened, but it’s in the past. It’s not their present, thanks to you. Because of you, their worst injuries have been sprained ankles from falling off a hayride, a broken arm from slipping when climbing a tree. They have not had to fight orcs, Black Riders, trolls or giant spiders. They have not had to watch as darkness spread out to engulf them. They have not feared to walk outside at night. Their worst nightmares have been the ones we used to get - from Mr. Bilbo’s stories or their own imagination. You have kept them safe from everything else. You have not known any of them but Elanor, but I know you have loved them all. It was for them, for all in the in Shire, that you went to destroy the Ring. And I will never be able to thank you enough the wonderful gift of peace and safety you gave to them.

I have held each of them after their birth and each time I was sure my heart would burst with the love that exploded there, not just for them, but for you, my dear, for giving me this joy. That none was born into danger and darkness, I owe to you. I am so glad you had the same joy in holding Elanor. I will never forget the peace and happiness that came to your face whenever you did. All the pain and strain would fade and you were once more the gentle Elven being I had fallen in love with as a child and to this day, have loved more each day.

I have also held each one when they were sick, when they couldn’t sleep because they were coughing too much or couldn’t keep anything down or were feverish. I have stayed up with them, fed them, held their hands and read to them. I have sang to them the same lullabies you sang to me when I was sick and I sang to you, the same one your parents sang to you. And though some of them were very sick and we worried for their lives at times, especially in the cold winters we have had, none of them died. We have all been safe because of you. I think somehow you have been making sure of that and somewhere you have known of my joys and worries and have shared in them.

This will be the last time I will write, Goodnight, dear. Sleep well. I love you. Next time I will be telling you. I won’t be kissing a page goodnight, I will be kissing you. And when I see you, my dear, I am never going to let you go.

* * *

Oh, Sam, you’re coming! You said you would and you have never broke your word. I don’t know how long it’s been and I don’t want to know. Many years, I’m sure, but now at last, soon, my brother, soon! I just can’t wait! I fear very much my friends are going to find me completely insufferable with all my nerves and anticipation. But I think they are also very happy for me and they look forward to meeting you themselves. Gandalf has been walking around with a huge smile on his face for days, but otherwise as inscrutable as over and none of my badgering, begging, threats or attempts to bribe any clues out of him have worked until finally he told me today it was because you would be coming. I could have deafened him with my shout of joy or squeezed him to death with how tightly I held him! Then I ran to the dark room, shouting the whole way that you were coming. If everyone here didn’t think I was cracked already, you would think they surely think so now, but no, they know how much I have missed you and love you and there are many smiles on this isle and they are all for you, my dearest heart! I threw myself down at the Iluvatar’s light and thanked Him over and over for this tremendous gift. I don’t know how I am even going to sleep with all this excitement! I just hope I don’t collapse from sheer exhaustion in your arms the first moment I see you. There’s also so much I want to show you and tell you and share with you. And when I do see you, my heart, I feel it’s only fair to warn you, that I am not going to let you go. We will say hello and never again goodbye. I love you so much, my Sam, so very, very much.

End of Part Three!