The Ranger Song

(To the tune of ‘The Lumberjack Song’ from Monty Python’s Flying Circus)

With profound apologies to J.R.R.Tolkien.

Scene: A woodland glade in Rivendell.

Enter, stage left: Aragorn son of Arathorn with the Lady Arwen Undómiel on his arm.

Enter, stage right: a group of Dúnedain Rangers.

CHORUS

Aragorn:

Oh, I'm a Dúnadan, and I'm okay,

I scout all night and I sleep all day.

Dúnedain Rangers (singing heartily): 

He's a Dúnadan, and he's okay,

He scouts all night and he sleeps all day.

Aragorn:

I hunt down orcs, I live with elves,

I’ve got a great big sword!

I have an elvish girlfriend,

By whom I’m quite adored! (Arwen presses his arm, smiling adoringly.)

Rangers:

‘e hunts down orcs, ‘e lives with elves,

He’s got a great big sword!

He ‘as an elvish girlfriend,

By whom he’s quite adored!

CHORUS

Aragorn:

I will be crowned, for sure some day,

There’s a great big prophe-cy!

I will be King in Gondor,

And Lord of the White Tree!

Rangers:

He will be crowned, for sure some day,

There’s a great big prophe-cy!

He will be King in Gondor,

And Lord of the White Tree!

CHORUS

Aragorn:

I hunt down orcs, I eat my lunch,

I skulk around in Bree.

Sometimes I go to Bag End

And have buttered scones for tea.

Rangers:

He hunts down orcs, he eats his lunch,

He skulks around in Bree.

Sometimes he goes to Bag End

And has buttered scones for tea.

CHORUS

Aragorn:

The hobbits call me Strider,

The elves say Eles-sar;

It’s not an identity crisis,

Though it seems a bit bizarre.

Rangers:

The hobbits call him Strider,

The elves say Eles-sar;

It’s not an identity crisis,

Though it seems a bit bizarre.

CHORUS

Aragorn:

I like to run, I even sing,

I knit long woolly scarves:

I hang around with Wizards,

I’m best friends with the dwarves.

Rangers:

He likes to run, he even sings,

He knits long woolly scarves: (some of the Rangers look puzzled)

He hangs around with Wizards,

E’s best friends with the dwarves.

CHORUS

Aragorn:

I drink my beer, I skip and jump,

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on Arwen's clothing,

And hang around in bars.

Rangers:

He drinks his beer, he skips and jumps,

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on Arwen's clothing …(the group falters)

And hangs around.... In bars??????? (they look at each other, flabbergasted)

CHORUS (Rangers jump into chorus with relief, singing extra loud)

Aragorn:

I flirt with elves, I wear high heels,

Suspenders and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa.

Rangers:

He flirts with elves, he wears high heels (most of the group stops singing)

Suspenders?? and a .... a bra????

Wants to be a *girlie*?  (Chorus of indignation)

I always knew ‘e was a poofter! ‘Anging about with those nancy Elves all the time…

‘Ere! He’s no King of ours, that e’ ain't! (Rangers stomp off, furious.)

Arwen:

Oh Estel! And I thought you were so rugged!  (Bursts into tears and runs away.)

Aragorn:

(defiantly continues to sing, though in an undertone)

I’m a Dúnadan, and I’m okay…

Author’s Note: No, I don’t remember what I was drinking at the time.