The Interrogation of a Former Burglar

By: Elemmírë

Summary: Bilbo finds it difficult to relax when a very persistent wee Pippin is around. Pippin is 8, Bilbo is 108 (ages 5 & 68 in Man years).

Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings does not belong to me, nor am I making any profit off either its story or characters.

“What’s a burglar?”

Bilbo spluttered while swallowing his tea and frowned at the small hobbit that had obviously followed him into his guest rooms. He and Frodo were spending the Lithe holidays at the Great Smials in Tuckborough. He had just finished telling all the hobbit children the tale of when thirteen dwarves had arrived unexpectedly on his doorstep to hire him as a burglar. It was the story that all began his adventure outside of the Shire. Afterwards, the rest of the hobbit children had dispersed, leaving only eight-year old Peregrin Took--or Pippin, as he was more commonly known--behind to follow after him when all Bilbo had been looking forward to was a nice, quiet, and most importantly, relaxing afternoon.

“Don’t you know you that it is polite to knock before entering another’s room?” he reprimanded in a stern voice.

Pippin didn’t so much as flinch or bat an eye at the 108-year old hobbit’s gruffness. “I’m sorry, Uncle Bilbo, but I just wanted to ask you a question,” he apologized. “You said the Dwarves wanted you to be their burglar, but I don’t know what a burglar is so I don’t really understand why they wanted you to go with them outside the Shire.”

Bilbo stared down at the little hobbit standing on the throw rug before him. Deep brown eyes met sparkling green ones. “Don’t you have your sisters or cousins to pester, or mischief to go make?” he finally asked.

Pippin shook his head vigorously, ginger curls flying every which way. “No,” he said honestly. “My sisters are with all the other lasses doing whatever it is that lasses do and Mum says I’m to leave them alone if I want supper tonight.

"And Merry is in trouble for putting frogs in Peal’s bed last night. He has to stay in his room all day and Auntie Esme says I can’t go and see him at all today.”

Bilbo continued to eye the little Took. “And what about all your other dozen or so cousins?”

“They’re all busy too and besides, I really want to know what a burglar is.”

“Where’s Frodo?” Bilbo asked in a last attempt to get rid of the youngster.

Pippin shrugged. “I don’t rightly know. He was with Reginard earlier, but I don’t know where he is now, otherwise I would ask him what a burglar is 'cause Frodo explains things to me very well and doesn't mind all my questions. But you're a Baggins too, just like Frodo ... besides you were there since you were the burglar the Dwarves wanted. Will you please tell me what one is now?”

“You don’t want to wait for Frodo?” Bilbo asked hopefully.

“Nope,” Pippin replied in an easy manner. “I would like to know now, please.”

Of all the times for Frodo to disappear on him. Bilbo sighed, placing his tea cup down on its saucer. How exactly did one explain this to an innocent hobbit child? Especially to one who would know if you were not telling the truth. He had told this story countless number of times since long before Pippin had even been born and yet not one hobbit child had ever asked him what a burglar was in all those years--not even Frodo. It had always been a little detail that was easily overlooked in the spellbinding tale.

Until now.

“Well … um … a-a burglar?” Bilbo cleared his throat before starting again. “A burglar is somebody who ah … somebody who enters a place in order to plunder,” he said rather quickly, praying Pippin would be satisfied and not ask him to repeat himself.

Pippin cocked his head for a moment in thought as he comprehended all the words Bilbo had rambled off. “Oh. ...... Why did the Dwarves want you to burglar for them?”

“I came with high recommendations from Gandalf the Grey, apparently,” Bilbo replied wryly. He took another sip of his tea.

Pippin sat down on the rug before Bilbo’s furry feet, making himself quite comfortable for the duration. He crossed his legs and leaned his elbows on his knees, chin propped on his hands. “Why?” he asked.

Bilbo frowned again, trying to think of an answer that would satisfy the child enough so that the little Took might stop pestering him and he could enjoy the rest of his tea before it grew cold. Apparently, he had taken too long in answering as Pippin moved on to his next question.

“Well, if Gandalf had not visited the Shire since the time of the Old Took, then how did he know you grew up and became a burglar, Uncle Bilbo?”

Bilbo’s mouth fell open. He had often wondered the very same thing himself at times. “He … ah … he’s a great wizard, Peregrin Took. Wizards know nearly everything and not always by someone telling them. They have other, more magical means as they are wizards. Perhaps you can ask him yourself one day.”

Pippin nodded his head in understanding. That made sense. “Do you still burglar?”

Bilbo shook his head. “Oh, heavens no!”

“Why not?”

Bilbo sighed in exasperation, wondering if Frodo was off enjoying himself as he sat here and listened to Pippin’s seemingly endless stream of questions. Frodo …. hmm.

Bilbo leaned forward until the end of his nose was almost touching Pippin’s lightly freckled one. “I don’t burglar anymore because that was a one-time special favor I did only for those particular Dwarves.”

He sat up in his chair again. “Besides, I couldn’t go off to burglar and leave poor Frodo all alone, now could I? Who would look after him? He needs to be looked after just as you do, young Peregrin. Although he is much older than yourself, Frodo is not of age yet, you know, and still requires much guidance.”

Pippin seemed to think about this for a moment. “Yes, I guess that’s true. After all, it was he who told Merry that Pearl liked frogs even though I know Pearl hates frogs. … Oops!” the child clapped his hands over his mouth. He forgot that he was not supposed to have told anyone that, or that he had even overheard that bit of information in the first place.

Bilbo chuckled, suddenly knowing exactly why he hadn’t seen his heir since early this morning. Frodo was hiding from the lasses and from his aunts. Smart lad.

“That’s alright, Pippin. Frodo is entitled to a healthy dose of mischief every now and then, so long as no one gets hurt. He will not be in trouble and your secret is safe with me. Now, before I go see Esme and Sara about releasing Merry from his punishment, did I answer your question sufficiently?”

Pippin frowned, sticking the tip of his tongue out as he thought hard. There was one other thing he had wanted to ask Bilbo. What was it? ...... Oh, yes! That was it!

“Uncle Bilbo, what does 'plunder' mean?”

~The End~