Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings and all its characters and settings are the property of the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien, New Line Cinemas, and their licensees. These works were produced with admiration and respect, as fan fiction for entertainment purposes only, not for sale or profit. This story and all my others may be found on my website, http://budgielover.com.  My thanks to my dear Marigold for the beta.

Imagine Budgielover, hands on hips and aggravation in her eye, trying to get the Fellowship ready to move out of some nameless place and resume their Quest…

Leavetaking

“All right!  Everyone, listen up please! This is your author talking, so pay attention!  Is everyone ready to move on?  Merry, where’s Pippin?  I know he was here a minute ago.  I’m asking where he is now.  Oh.  Well, I’m glad he remembered to do that before we left.  Is everyone else ready?  What is it, Frodo?

“Yes, please take care of it now.  There aren’t any facilities on the Road, remember.  Does anyone else have to go?  No?  Good.  What did you say, Aragorn?  Well, yes, a convenient tree and some leaves might suffice for a studly Ranger, but the rest of us prefer a little civilized comfort.  Did I call you “studly”?  Sorry, I don’t remember.  I have a beta-reader to keep track of things like that.  No, I am not blushing!

“Legolas, don’t give me that look. You know I didn’t mean anything about the tree remark.  I have the greatest respect and admiration for trees.  I know they have many uses, besides being … convenient.

“And providing firewood and being good targets for axe-throwing practice.  Thank you, Gimli.  Legolas, he didn’t mean it like that.  He did not.  Gimli, please tell him you didn’t mean it like that.  Please!

“Oh, hullo, Pippin.  Ready to go, now?  Well, fix it then.  All right … Sam, while you’re waiting for Frodo, would you kindly help Pippin adjust his pack?  Thank you.

“All right, everyone.  Your attention, please … Gandalf, that includes you.  Thank you.  Now, on the Road ahead – Sam!  I saw you take that fry pan out of Pip’s pack and put it in yours.  I know it’s heavy.  I know he’s just a lad.  I also know you are carrying all the rest of them and I won’t have you carry that one too.  Pippin is perfectly capable of carrying his share of the heavy supplies.

“Yes, you are.  Sticking your lip out at me won’t work, young hobbit.  I am immune to pouting.  Pippin, if you don’t stop secretly wheedling Sam to carry more of your load, I shall speak to Frodo.  Frodo -

“Now where’s Frodo?  Oh, that’s right.  Thank you, Merry.  He’s taking rather a long time about it, isn’t he?  Uhmmm…  Merry, would you mind checking on him?  He might have fallen in.

“No, Sam, that isn’t a crack at your master.  Nor was it a reference to our beloved Ring-bearer’s – um – ability to trip over every bush and fall down every crevasse … all right, maybe that was a bit catty.  But you can hardly blame me for being annoyed.  Be honest, Sam.  Frodo’s either got his head in the clouds or his nose in a book or … well, I’m highly suspicious of some of that pipe-weed you hobbits smoke.  I am not making any accusations!  It just doesn’t look or smell like Old Toby to me.

“No, you’re perfectly right, Merry.  I don’t smoke so I don’t know.  My apologies if I offended you.  But you will agree that Frodo has been gone rather a long time, yes?  Yes.  So would you please check on him?  Thank you.  Better take some rope.

“Boromir, you are not going to carry Pippin or his pack.  You have got to stop coddling the lad.  If he knows he can get you to carry him just by giving you that lost-puppy look of his, he’ll never walk.

“All right, all right.  When the traveling gets very rough or he’s very tired, then you may carry him.  I do concede that he is the smallest of you all and might need a little extra help over rough terrain.  But no more piggy-back rides, Boromir, or pretending that you are a pony and he’s jumping you over fences.  It’s undignified for the heir to the Steward of Gondor – especially when you make those whinnying noises.  Because I said so, that’s why. 

“Gandalf, can you give us any more information on the trail ahead?  Well, like what sort of dangers the Fellowship might encounter.  Oh, I don’t know … orcs, dangerous monsters, lions, tigers and bears, fields of sleep-inducing flowers … I don’t know.  You’re supposed to know.

“Well, I assumed you discussed it with Elrond when you all were back in Rivendell.  You certainly spent enough time behind closed doors with him, smoking and talking.  How do I know?  Well, the sweet smell coming out of the Elrond’s study, for one thing.  Yes, Gandalf, I’m being facetious.  Honestly, though, Arwen said that when she opened the doors, the smoke just poured out.  Disgusting, really.  She said that – I didn’t say that!

“Of course Elrond doesn’t smoke.  Arwen said he didn’t need to – you did enough for the both of you.  Never mind.  You two spent a lot of time in the Library – you must have been looking at Elrond’s collection of maps.  Yes, the jeweled map-table is a marvel, isn’t it?   I agree – one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.  Now, about the route ahead -

“Gimli did what?  Gandalf, you’re joking.  Gimli, tell me you didn’t pry up some of the gems off Elrond’s map-table.  I don’t care that it was just to appraise their value!  You put them back, didn’t you?  Didn’t you?  All of them?   Good heavens, Gimli, you nearly gave me a heart attack.  I can just see Elrond sending a company of his elven cavalry after us…

“However true it might be that the Fellowship would make better time on the journey with horses, Aragorn, it wouldn’t be worth all the work to take care of them.  We discussed this in Rivendell.  And look how much effort Sam puts into caring for Bill.  I know you enjoy it, Sam, but think of caring for one pony as compared to nine horses and a pack animal.  Thank you, I’m glad you see my point.

“So no more talk of horses, all right?  I would think you would have dropped the idea when you tried to give the hobbits riding lessons.  Really, Aragorn, you might as well torture them outright.

“Where was I…  Oh, yes.  Gandalf, would you please come back here?  Where were you going?  No, I don’t think Merry needs any help locating Frodo.  He’ll let us know if he does.  Never mind, I was asking you about the maps you were studying in the Library at Rivendell.  Where are -

“What do you mean you and Elrond weren’t looking at the maps?  What were you doing in there all that time, then?   What special section of books?   Special books – what special books?  What!  They had illustrations, too?  I would think they would be in the back of the Library.  Gandalf, I’m ashamed of you!  At your age, too!  Somebody cover Pippin’s ears!

“Boromir, you may ask Gandalf about these … these … special books another time.  We are trying to get ready to leave this … delightful little village.  Where are Frodo and Merry?  Oh, here they come.  About time, Frodo – we’re ready to move out.  Why are you two out of breath?

“What do you mean we can’t leave yet?  Why not?  Why should the townsfolk want to talk to us?     

"What ‘accidental little fire’???”

The End