Frodo Baggins

Said Frodo, "that little sod Sméagol
Nicked my Ring, which I'm sure is illegal,
But a hobbit who lingers
Might run out of fingers
So I'm catching the very next eagle."

Samwise Gamgee

Samwise said, "well you see,
If vacations were left up to me
You shouldn't be countin'
On climbing a mountain,
I'll get hot and you know I can't ski."

Meriadoc Brandybuck

"Just follow me," shouted Merry,
"I'll show you the way to the ferry.
If it's too far to walk
Hitch a ride on an orc,
It's cheap – though the service does vary."

Peregrin Took

When Strider put him on a diet
Pippin just couldn't keep quiet,
"If I had my way
I'd eat six meals a day!
Don't knock it, at least till you try it!"

Aragorn son of Arathorn

Aragorn said, "there'll be trouble
If Arwen bursts Éowyn's bubble
But perhaps they'll behave
If I don't have a shave,
Birds all like a bloke with some stubble!"

Boromir of Gondor

Boromir said, "here's the thing,
It's not that I want to be King,
But it would be a pity
To lose the White City,
So just give us a loan of your Ring."

Prince Legolas of Mirkwood

Said Legolas, "to stay in good health
You have to look after yourself.
But if you're relying
On being undying,
You won't make it, unless you're an elf."

Gimli son of Gloin

Gimli said, "I'm not one to moan,
Though my cousin went off on his own
To live in a mine,
which is all well and fine,
But he could at least pick up the phone!"

Gandalf the Grey
Gandalf the Grey said "I've a notion,
That the Balrog will cause a commotion
But if I win the fight
I can move up to White
Which is a not such a bad staff promotion!"

Denethor
After losing both sons in a fight
One dead, but the other not quite,
Denethor said of his loss,
I just don't give a toss,
Excuse me, do you have a light?
 
Saruman the White
When Saruman wanted to check
On the news, he said, "hang on a sec,
I've a nifty glass ball
That shows me it all,
Who said Middle-earth's not high tech?"

"It's under a cloth on the table,
I tune in whenever I'm able,
And now and then,
I can get CNN,
But it's satellite rather than cable."

Treebeard the Ent
Treebeard said to the hobbits, "Don't worry!
You're in far too much of a hurry.
It shouldn't be hard
To destroy Isengard,
Then we'll have a few pints and a curry!"
 
Éowyn of Rohan
Éowyn said, "he can't make me a queen
But Faramir's reasonably clean.
So I'll settle for less
and just be a princess
He's not sexy, but terribly keen."
 
Haldir – Marchwarden of Lothlórien
Haldir said, "I'm not really snooty
But you can't piss about when on duty
I don't want to seem cheap
But if I die at Helm's Deep
Will all the girls think I'm a cutie?"
 
Elrond Half-Elven – Lord of Rivendell
Elrond got himself in a lather,
He said, "Even though I'm not your father
I've a nice line in shouting
'Isildur!' and then pouting,
Will you please chuck that Ring in the lava!"

Fredegar Bolger
After causing a prison food riot,
Freddie Bolger made plans on the quiet.
"Hobbits are fat,
You cannot change that
So piss off with your Sharky-plan diet!"
 
Lord Faramir – Son of Denethor
Faramir said, "after losing our Mother
Dad only had time for my brother
But then I got a cool wife,
Was made Prince for life,
It works out one way or another!"
 
Galadriel, Queen of Lothlórien
Galadriel told Celeborn, "don't moan,
I just want to be on my own,
So when we get into bed,
Please stay out of my head,
Leave a message when you hear the tone."
 
Sméagol of the River Folk
Said Gollum, "you have to admit
for my age, I'm still pretty fit
But although it's quite trendy
to be skinny and bendy
at modelling clothes I'm just shit!"
 
Shadowfax – Lord of the Mearas
Shadowfax just shook his head,
"In spite of the fanfic you've read,
I am only a horse,
So I don't talk of course,
There's bugger all else to be said."

When Gandalf goes on a trip,
There's one thing he does seem to skip,
Before shouting 'Shadowfax', he
Could try calling a taxi,
But I'm cheap and it saves him a tip.

Venerable Hero of Helm's Deep
Said the old bloke who shot the first arrow
"I couldn't see, as the slots were too narrow.
But 'cause I shot the orc,
Too early, there's talk
That I should've been left at Dunharrow!

Said the old bloke "it's a foul accusation!
It was just a one-off aberration.
My nerves hadn't flipped,
My fingers just slipped,
Hence my premature ejaculation!

These again are all requests that have been made – you know who you are!

HRH Éomer of Rohan
King Éomer was famous in fable
For being ready, willing and able
To take on all forces
With his men and their horses
And have them back, before tea, in the stable.
 
Lord Erestor, Chief Councillor to Elrond
Erestor, a Chief of Elf folk,
After seeing how little he spoke,
Said "In 'Lord of the Rings',
I just say four things!
It must be some kind of a joke!"
 
Haldir and Bros
Haldir said "as I'm your big brother
"You'd better be nice to each other!"
Rúmil said, "well all right,"
Orophin said, "I might.
"But remember, you're not our Mother!"
 
Pippin's Troll
When Pippin defeated the troll
He apparently forgot how to roll
You'd think he could figure
When your foe's that much bigger
That it's going to leave a large hole!

Although the battle was won
Being squashed isn't very much fun!
Didn't anyone say
To get out of the way
When your enemy weighs half a ton?

Shelob
Said Shelob, "That hobbit's a pain
Sticking his sword in my wossaname!
But I'll have the last laugh
When I sit in his bath,
Then we'll see who gets washed down the drain!"
 
Grima Wormtongue
Said Grima Wormtongue "I'm blessed
With a name that suits how I'm dressed
With my hair all a muss
And eyes running with pus
Yes, I'm a baddie, haven't you guessed!
 
Tom Bombadil
Said Tom Bombadil "You may smirk,
But the songs that I sing really work
I can bring all the trees
Down to their knees
Even though I sound like a berk!

Witch-King of Angmar
The Witch-King of Angmar said, "Why?
When it's obvious I am a guy
And really quite surly
Does my name sound so girly
Could I please just give 'Wizard' a try?"

It's not like I'm called the Witch-Queen
Which makes sense, though it is a bit mean
And a little bit slashy
So without being flashy
Howabout The Wizard Creme de la Cream!

Arwen Evenstar
Arwen said, "They must have mistook
What I do and how I should look
And if you think I'm too groovy
(I mean in the movie)
You'll be someone who has read the book!"
 
Barliman Butterbur, Landlord of the Prancing Pony
Said Barliman Butterbur,
"I think I would really prefer
Folk in my pub
To just stick to their grub
And not disappear in a blurrrr!"
 
Beregond
Beregond said, "I've a lot on my plate
And while showing Pippin round would be great,
Because he's so small,
He can't see much at all,
Do you mind if I just delegate?"
 
Déagol
Déagol said, "I come from that time
When you chose friends with whom you could rhyme
And as I'm called Déagol,
I got stuck with Sméagol
Which is all well and good, but I've since realised is really not a very good basis for choosing your friends, particularly when you have to decide what to do with lost property that you may have found!"
 
Barrow Wight
There once was a old barrowwight
Who liked to give hobbits a fright
But changing their clothes
While they have a quick doze
Is pretty much BarrowWight Lite!
 
Figwit – The Elf at The Council of Elrond
Figwit said "I didn't use cunning
I just seemed to hit the ground running
Fans gave me this name
Which shot me to fame
Because apparently, I'm really that stunning!

Perhaps I should just have stayed sat
I had no lines and no chat
But though the name was quite terse
It could have been worse
"Frodo Use Care Kid... Who Is That?"

(I suppose I had better explain
Or that lack of scansion will sound quite inane
Figwit's an acronym that's pat
For "Frodo Is Great... Who Is That?"
Geddit? Good! 'Cause I'm going insane!)

 
The Orc With a Skull on His Head (Yes, this really was a request!)
I'm an orc with a skull on my head
But it belonged to someone who's dead
So it's not desecration
It's just decoration
And I could put a hat there instead?