Author : Dreamflower
Title: The Ballad of Captain Fatty (or How Fatty Popped the Pimple)
Rating: G
Theme: Poetry
Elements: verb: fight
Author's Notes: Long ago, in Chapter 31 of my story "A New Reckoning” I make mention of this song as one which was quite popular in the Shire in the years following the Scouring of the Shire.
Summary: Captain Fatty Bolger and his band of stout lads take on Lotho Pimple and his Ruffians…
Word Count: 1,036

The Ballad of Captain Fatty (or How Fatty Popped the Pimple)

Oh, a hobbit named Lotho Pimple, he called himself the Chief,
But everybody knew that he was just a cunning thief!
In the Year of Troubles he stole all he could acquire,
And to suit his vanity set out to rule the Shire.

Now Captain Fatty Bolger was a hobbit so bold
His story throughout the Four Farthings is told,
How he rose right up in that Troubled Year
And he taught Lotho's Bullies the meaning of fear!

Good old Captain Fatty had a band of hobbits brave,
Above the town of Scary they hid out in a cave.
The Ruffians came to Gather, but they would never share,
Somehow Captain Fatty thought that this was hardly fair!

Oh, a hobbit named Lotho Pimple, he called himself the Chief,
But everybody knew that he was just a cunning thief!
But Captain Fatty found it simple-o,
He set out to pop the Pimple-o!

Now Men are Big and Noisy, and hobbits are Quiet and Small.
The Ruffians never noticed when Fatty's lads did come to call;
The brigands brought their Gathering to the Hills of Brockenbore,
And Fatty's lads brought it out again through the back door.

They took from the Gatherers and gave it back to the folk,
Who thought that it was certainly a fine and dandy joke!
When old Pimple found out he was fit to be tied.
For oh, how he hated it when he was defied!

Now good old Fatty Bolger was descended from Old Took,
And on his mother's side of things his name was in the Book.
Before the Year of Troubles he was quiet as he could be--
But when the Troubles started he behaved most Tookishly!

Oh, a hobbit named Lotho Pimple, he called himself the Chief,
But everybody knew that he was just a cunning thief!
But Captain Fatty found it simple-o,
He set out to pop the Pimple-o!

Some hobbits found they had to do just as the Ruffians said,
Or their children, wives and mothers could be hurt or even dead.
But Captain Fatty came to an agreement with the Thain--
And they were taken to the Tooklands to be safe from harm and pain.

The Northfarthing soon grew too hot for Fatty and his Band,
So they slipped down to the Southfarthing to make their next stand.
For old Pimple was sending away all the pipeweed to be sold,
Far away from the Shire, so he could gather more gold.

Six waggons and a dozen Men, and Lotho Pimple at the front,*
They didn't know that they were prey and Fatty on the hunt!
And along the Longbottom road beneath the summer sky,
Fatty and his lads a-waited to let stones and arrows fly!

Oh, a hobbit named Lotho Pimple, he called himself the Chief,
But everybody knew that he was just a cunning thief!
But Captain Fatty found it simple-o,
He set out to pop the Pimple-o!

Now the Men never knew what hit 'em, as the Rebels took the leaf,
And a-shivering in fear was the one who called himself the Chief.
Then Fatty turned the waggons all around in the lane,
And sent them to the Tooklands as a present to the Thain!

And Fatty popped the Pimple's pride on that sunny summer day,
Sent him back to Bag End's front door just as naked as a jay!
But now Lotho, he was set and bound to even up the score,
And put an end to Fatty and his Rebels evermore!

So Lotho set out to find himself a traitor and a spy.
Who'd join up with Fatty's band and turn on them by-and-by.
He found in Marco Muddifoot** one useful to his need,
Took Lotho's coin most eagerly and set to do the deed.

Oh, a hobbit named Lotho Pimple, he called himself the Chief,
But everybody knew that he was just a cunning thief!
But Captain Fatty found it simple-o,
He set out to pop the Pimple-o!

On a hot and dusty day quite near to summer's end,
The Rebels acted on a tip from one they thought a friend,
But Fatty and his lads soon knew the Men were all around,
They knew they could not fight, and so they laid their weapons down.

They marched them to the Lockholes, a long and dusty walk.
And the folks all gathered sadly, in horror and in shock!
For without Captain Fatty, they knew that things were dire,
Who now was there left who could fight and save the Shire?

And autumn passed with grey skies and hope was mostly gone,
When the word finally came that the Travellers had come home!
And they threw all the Ruffians out upon their ears,
And brought out Captain Fatty to huzzahs and to cheers!***

Oh, a hobbit named Lotho Pimple, he called himself the Chief,
But everybody knew that he was just a cunning thief!
Though it wasn’t so simple-o,
‘T was Fatty popped the Pimple-o!

__________________

* This is not precisely accurate. While that is what the song says, in actuality, Lotho Sackville-Baggins himself was nowhere near the train of waggons meant to bear the shipment of Longbottom Leaf out of the Shire. The hobbit drivers were two of his Bracegirdle cousins, and the two of them were delivered to Bag End “naked as jays”. However, it seems to have made for a better song to have Lotho himself be the victim of the raid on the leaf shipment. (For a more accurate account of the leaf shipment raid, see Chapter 17 of "The Road to Edoras")

** While it seems clear that it was indeed a hobbit named Marco Muddifoot, a distant cousin of Ted Sandyman, who betrayed Fredegar's band, it is not so clear that his motivation was money. He may have acted out of fear of threats made to him. By all accounts, he was a very timid and unprepossessing hobbit.

*** Readers will note that the actual events of the Scouring receive rather short shrift here, the Travellers getting only one small verse. But the song was clearly meant to celebrate the Shire's homegrown, if less successful, Rebellion, and the brave part played by Fredegar and his followers. At any rate, the Travellers themselves seemed rather fond of the song, especially Peregrin Took, who by all reports enjoyed singing it himself—especially in Fredegar's presence and to his embarrassment!