The Ladies’ Guide To Middle-earth’s Eligible Bachelors

Every now and then, a lady unexpectedly finds herself transported to those vast and magical lands commonly known as Middle-earth, where she will inevitably become the object of much admiration and excite in the gentlemen native to those shores a desire to offer for her hand. Woe betide the lady who has no means of discernment between the gentlemen vying for her favour and who might thus unwittingly bestow her affections on one of the less deserving of the other sex. This handy pamphlet  is designed to offer guidance on this delicate subject, by outlining the main strengths and weaknesses of each candidate in alphabetical order for quick reference. Printed on 100% recycled paper. Washable cover.

Aragorn Son of Arathorn, aka Estel, aka Thorongil, aka Strider, aka The Dúnadan, aka Elessar, aka Elfstone, aka Telcontar, aka Envinyatar

Strengths:

Aragorn is a well connected bachelor with brilliant career prospects. He is committed to old-fashioned virtues like duty and loyalty. Raised in an Elven household, he has extensive knowledge of healing lore, history and poetry. Can look a bit scruffy, but scrubs up well. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Accomplished warrior, provides own mystical sword. Good diplomat. Excellent life expectancy.

Weaknesses:

Grumpy-faced. Heavy smoker. Prone to give long, boring, pompous speeches. Frequent name changes may become confusing. Chronic sense of humour failure.

Summary:

This bachelor is promising marriage material and needs only a little polishing to make him a pleasant companion to the genteel and ambitious lady. Should be encouraged to stick to one name. Note that Aragorn prefers women who take on a traditional feminine role and demeanour; more progressive ladies may wish to avoid him. Ladies who feel that his greying hair distracts from his otherwise stately appearance are advised that good hair dyes from Harad are available in Minas Tirith. Suggested Yule present: The Bumper Book of Puns and Jokes.

Status: Recommended.

Bilbo Baggins

Strengths:

Bilbo is an easy-going and generous bachelor who enjoys comparatively good health for of his advanced age. He combines an adventurous spirit with more domestic habits of country pursuits and hospitality.  Good sense of humour. Caring and quick-witted. Allegedly owner of mythical treasure, though no clear evidence of this. Has been known to make excessively expensive gifts.

Weaknesses:

Very short. Heavy smoker. Inclined to recite his own poetry. Advanced age. Is said to suffer from after effects of having for many years held onto a certain “precious.”

Summary:

Bilbo would suit the needs of a very mature lady, preferably at least partially deaf, with a taste for cosy evenings spent by the fireside in reminiscence of whatever her companion chooses to reminisce about.  A marital connection with Bilbo might in time even procure a tourist visa for the fabled Undying Lands. Suggested Yule present: carpet slippers.

Status: Recommended to the more mercenary lady, who is looking forward to a handsome pay-out when the will is read.

Boromir of Gondor

Strengths:

A fine physical specimen, Boromir is a bachelor with a big sword and the muscles to wield it. Excellent social connections and good career prospects. Not in the first prime of youth, but comes from a family with very good life expectancy. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Not shy to speak his mind, even when there isn’t much of it. Cool armour, flashy horn.

Weaknesses:

Limited intellectual powers and a tendency to overestimate his own importance. Takes unreasonably long times for travelling. Easily tempted.  Bad karma.

Summary:

Boromir would make a fine companion for a lady who appreciates traditional male virtues and is not too pernickety with regard to academic prowess and interpersonal sensitivity. However, there are vague concerns about his future. An enterprising lady might want to take a risk with this bachelor, but shouldn’t be too surprised if it all goes arrow-shaped.  Suggested Yule present: horn repair kit or GPS.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

Curunír

See Saruman

Denethor of Gondor

Strengths:

Denethor holds a position of immense political responsibility and authority. He prides himself in an exquisite family lineage. A fine looking man of a certain age, Denethor conducts himself with dignity and assertive confidence. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Astute. Nifty dress sense. Fabulous palatial accommodation with splendid views of the famous “Land of Shadow.”

Weaknesses:

Widower. Apparently never coped with bereavement. Couch potato, spends too much time watching palantir. Concerns about state of mental health. Amazingly disgusting table manners, considering his social position. Don’t feed him tomatoes if you value your tablecloths.

Summary:

Denethor could offer a lady a prestigious home, but probably very little beyond. His time is taken up with worries about affairs of state. His precarious temper makes him difficult to be around; he could flare up at any minute. Suggested Yule present: Qi Gong spheres or slinky (though danger of temper tantrum if slinky gets tangled).

Status: Not recommended.

Elladan and Elrohir

Strengths:

The bachelor twins are of half-elven descent with the usual advantages associated with such lineage. They command considerable respect in the Elven community and have a keen sense of family loyalty. Accomplished hunters. Standard Elven stunning looks. Two for the price of one.

Weaknesses:

Have been known to bear grudges for prolonged periods of time. Allegedly fond of immature practical jokes, though evidence for this is scarce. Limited career prospects.

Summary:

Elladan and Elrohir are versatile bachelors who will be able to satisfy a variety of tastes. Some ladies may find the pointed ears off-putting, but please note that cosmetic surgery is now available at competitive rates. Suggested Yule present: name tags for easy identification.

Status: Recommended.

Elessar

See Aragorn

Elfstone

See Aragorn

Envinyatar

See Aragorn

Éomer Son of Éomund

Strengths:

Éomer is an appealing bachelor with excellent social connections. Tall and handsome, he is a dashing horseman and accomplished warrior. Loyal, courageous and family orientated. Warm hearted and passionate. Good career prospects.

Weaknesses:

Éomer’s topics of conversation are restricted to equine and military themes. Smells of horses and is bound to shed horse hair all over your upholstery. Some concerns about his eye-sight, since apparently he cannot distinguish between orcs and hobbits, but would probably refuse to wear spectacles. New haircut recommended.

Summary:

This bachelor would suit a lady who seeks a romantic and stable relationship and is not overly concerned with her husband’s intellectual interests (or lack thereof). May, with a little guidance by a lady well versed in etiquette, still make a presentable member of a royal court. You may want to invest in one of those little hand-held vacuum cleaners popular with cat owners. Suggested Yule present: aftershave lotion.

Status: Highly recommended.

Erestor

Strengths:

Erestor holds a position of trust with Elrond Halfelven, functioning as one of his chief counsellors. Beyond that, virtually nothing is known about him. Standard elven good looks.

Weaknesses:

None discovered at time of going to print.

Summary:

While we have heard nothing adverse about Erestor, we would like to give a word of warning. It seems strange that so little information is available about a man who has apparently lived in Imladris for an extended period of time and in close proximity to the senior members of the household. It is possible that there is something about him that would make him unsuitable as a husband. He could be impotent, gay, or addicted to watching soap operas. May also simply turn out to be a boring old fart. Suggested Yule present: socks.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

Estel

See Aragorn

Faramir of Gondor

Strengths:

Faramir is the bachelor who has it all: Excellent social connections, dashing good looks with long, raven-black hair, personal integrity, considerable weapon skills, intelligence, leadership qualities and a warm-hearted disposition. Furthermore, he appears to be the only bachelor in Middle-earth with an academic education equivalent to BA or beyond. Good career prospects, though animosities within the family present some difficulty in this respect. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Makes tasteful choices for ladies’ clothing.

Weaknesses:

Insanity in the family, though this is probably the result of circumstances rather than genetically induced. Could be considered a smart-aleck and a Goody Two-Shoes.  Sucks up to wizards.

Summary:

Faramir is the choice for the more discerning lady, who values valour and honour, but is also looking for a partner who can meet her in conversation.  Should be the kind of lady who is unruffled by her husband being always right and always insufferably virtuous. Suggested Yule present: vouchers for family counselling sessions.

Status: Highly recommended.

Fredegar “Fatty” Bolger

Strengths:

Fredegar is a cheerful and sociable fellow, always willing to lend a hand and blow his horn in times of need. He is generally well liked, though often remains at the fringes of social groups. Generally of a phlegmatic temperament, but can pick up courage when necessary.

Weaknesses:

Short and fat, thought said to have been on a diet recently.

Summary:

Fredegar is the companion we recommend for the lady who seeks a partner willing to follow her lead and to be moulded according to her designs. We would not expect him to give a lady any kind of trouble, though be aware that you may get rather bored with him in the long run. Suggested Yule present: giant chocolate indulgence cake.

Status: Recommended.

Frodo Baggins

Strengths:

Frodo is widely held to be the finest hobbit in the Shire on account of his refined looks, pleasant manners and strength of character.  Middle-aged, but younger-looking. Intelligent, with a passable level of education. As owner of the substantial Bag End estate, Frodo holds a respectable position in Shire society, though this is somewhat compromised by rumours of his travels to foreign parts, where he is said to have partaken in strange and unsavoury adventures.

Weaknesses:

Suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Missing finger, will never be good pianist.

Summary:

While Frodo is in every way an amiable and trustworthy bachelor, it is doubtful if he would make a suitable companion for a lady, since the abovementioned post traumatic stress disorder prevents him from participating meaningfully in social activities. Suggested Yule present: First Class ticket to Valinor.

Status: Not recommended, unless you suffer from Florence Nightingale complex.

Gandalf the Grey, aka Mithrandir

Strengths:

Gandalf is of a kind and compassionate disposition with considerable powers of discernment and commendable moral reasoning skills. Can admit to having made a mistake, which is a rare gift in a man. Good sense of humour. Impressive appearance and great dress sense. Nifty with firework displays. Horse whisperer.

Weaknesses:

Very old (though allegedly immortal). Heavy smoker. Nomadic habits. Very set in his ways.

Summary:

This bachelor would suit a more mature lady whose primary interest is in spiritual companionship. Those who appreciate bushy eye-brows and magnificent beards will find this bachelor a true gem. Suggested Yule present: nicotine replacement patches.

Status: Recommended.

Gimli Son of Gloin

Strengths:

Gimli is a bachelor committed to old-fashioned chivalry in the spirit of courtly love. As a dwarf, he is accomplished in traditional crafts like metalwork and stonemasonry. Loyal and stout-hearted. Well spoken. Excellent life expectancy. Apparently wealthy, though source of income remains obscure. Wields a mean axe.

Weaknesses:

Short. Doesn’t shave. Clannish and prone to interspecies prejudice. Choleric temper. Braids his beard and puts in little beads and stuff; possibly gay (see Legolas).

Summary:

This bachelor would suit a lady with traditional tastes who knows her place and doesn’t mind staying at home in the cave while her husband is out socializing with other males. Should be prepared to entertain large numbers of friends and relatives and serve up ample amounts of ale. Suggested Yule present: hair clips.

Status: Cautiously Recommended.

Glorfindel of the House of the Golden Flower

Strengths:

One of the mighty among the First-born, Glorfindel wields considerable power, including the ability to produce spectacular light effects. Holds an influential position in the household of Elrond Halfelven. Dashing rider, very handsome, great hair. Musical. Very pretty family title.

Weaknesses:

Thinks it suitable to put tinkling bells on his horse’s harness when riding out on a secret mission. Possible untreated mental scars from previous traumatic experiences.

Summary:

Glorfindel is a desirable partner for a lady with a taste for the extravagant. She should be prepared to be eclipsed by her husband in almost every area of social interaction. Suggested Yule present: Coffee mug with inscription Arda’s Sexiest Balrog Slayer.

Status: Recommended.

Gollum

See Sméagol

Gríma Wormtongue

Strengths:

Grímais a bachelor with an influential position at the court of Meduseld. He is held in high esteem by the King of Rohan due to his shrewd advice and diplomatic skills. Can be very persuasive. Patient, astute and persevering.

Weaknesses

Greasy hair, greasy voice, greasy personality. Has been subject to allegations of sexual harassment and treason.

Summary:

While Gríma is known to have courted ladies with some degree of commitment, we find it advisable to caution ladies about this bachelor. Any lady with her wits about her will be able to see that this Gríma will come to a sticky end. Besides, who wants to be called “Mrs Wormtongue”? Suggested Yule present: 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.

Status: Not recommended.

Halbarad of the Dúnedain

Strengths:

Halbarad is well connected with moderately good career prospects. Draws most of his social prestige from close friendship with Aragorn Son of Arathorn, aka Estel, aka Thorongil, aka Strider, aka The Dúnadan, aka Elessar, aka Elfstone, aka Telcontar, aka Envinyatar. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Reliable courier. Pleasant manners.

Weaknesses:

Typical second-in-command with bland personality. Handy minor character that authors like to kill off without qualms. Halbarad is particularly disadvantaged in this respect, as he will be required to carry a standard into battle, which is not much use in a melee.

Summary:

There is no reason to assume that Halbarad would not make a fine husband and father, but any lady wishing to form a union with this gentleman should contemplate the dangers of him being sacrificed by the author and should seek to minimize opportunities for such an occurrence. Suggested Yule present: Romantic weekend mini break on 14.-16.3. III 3019. Any destination will do, as long as it’s far away from Minas Tirith.

Status: Recommended.

Haldir of Lorien

Strengths:

Though one of the reclusive Lothlórien Elves, Haldir is less clannish than other member of his people and has even taken the trouble to learn a foreign language. Appears to get on well with his brothers. Well-mannered and conscientious. Standard Elven good looks.

Weaknesses:

Fond of hearing himself talk. Uncertain career prospects, though may make it big as a tightrope performer. Wears camouflage clothing, which could make him hard to find when separated from him at, say, a busy shopping mall.

Summary:

Haldir appears an all-round pleasant bachelor without any major weaknesses. Should be discouraged from uncanonical journeys to Helm’s Deep. Suggested Yule present: sturdy helmet.

Status: Recommended.

Legolas Thranduilion

Strengths:

Legolas is a bachelor with excellent social connections. An immortal and proficient bowman, he is pretty to look at and can walk on snow. Excellent hearing and eye-sight. Communicates with trees. Good singer; likes to hear his own voice.

Weaknesses:

Taciturn and competitive. Beyond that, no discernible personality. Prospects of promotion extremely poor.  Braids his hair and puts in little beads and stuff; possibly gay (see Gimli). Prone to the notorious “sea longing”, which is really just an excuse to leave home and hang out with the mates.

Summary:

This bachelor has very few qualities that would be conducive to a successful relationship. Most ladies would agree that a husband should talk to his wife and not to the conifers in the front garden. Legolas should work on his communication skills and develop some interests that make him a more stimulating companion, like choral singing or digital photography. Suggested Yule present: Trivial Pursuit (to extend conversation topics).

Status: Only recommended to the lady who is willing to invest a lot of work in this bachelor.

Meriadoc “Merry” Brandybuck

Strengths:

A bachelor with good social connections, Meriadoc is competent, level-headed and reliable. He has a fondness of lore and is keen to improve his mind. Meriadoc is keenly loyal to his friends and does not shy away from dangerous responsibilities. Commendable planning and organizational skills.  Cheerful disposition. Good career prospects.

Weaknesses:

Short, but of lately upwardly mobile. Smoker. Member of a large family of bossy people with weird names.

Summary:

Apart from his short stature, which is, however, improving, there is really nothing not to love about Meriadoc. He’ll make a magnificent partner. Encourage him to move with you into a cosy bungalow of your own, as far as possible from his ancestral home, to avoid interfering in-laws. Suggested Yule present: book tokens.

Status: Highly recommended.

Mithrandir

See Gandalf

Peregrin “Pippin” Took

Strengths:

Peregrin is commended by his youth and good spirits. He comes from a good family and values traditional ideals like friendship, loyalty and regular meals. Cheerful disposition, friendly and always willing to help. General air of cuteness.

Weaknesses:

Short, but of lately upwardly mobile. Smoker. Impulsive. Tendency to think with his stomach.  Talent to put his foot into whatever figurative mess is available at the time. Possibly suffering from ADHD.

Summary:

Peregrin tends to bring out in ladies a certain motherly desire to protect and nurture him. He may perceive these attentions as patronizing and respond resentfully. Ladies so inclined will need to take into account that Peregrin will eventually grow up and demand to be treated like an adult. Like most males, he will not appreciate repeated recitals of cute stories about his childhood. Suggested Yule present: soothing and relaxing bath salts, scented candles and herbal infusions, meditation audio tapes. Do not give framed picture of five-year-old Pippin clutching cuddly toy.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

Radagast the Brown

Strengths: A wizard of the fabled Istari Order, Radagast is less prominent than his colleagues Gandalf and Saruman and hence less likely to be harassed by fangirls. Kind and loyal. Widely travelled. Speaks to animals.

Weaknesses:  Very old (though allegedly immortal). Smoker. Poor fashion sense or possibly colour blind. Absentminded. Speaks to animals.

Summary:

While there is a minor concern that he may forget that or at least to whom he is married, Radagast would suit a lady with a keen interest in bird watching and other nature pursuits, who doesn’t mind a bit of absentmindedness in a partner and is willing to provide ample supplies of cheese and cucumber sandwiches and flasks of tea. Should aim to persuade her husband to carry the folding chairs. Suggested Yule present: Zeiss binoculars.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

Samwise Gamgee

Strengths:

Samwise is a friendly, unassuming bachelor of domestic habits. Excellent cook and dedicated gardener who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty. Loyal, reliable and persevering. Kind to animals. In addition to these worthy, but somewhat unspectacular qualities, Sam also has a taste for romantic flights of fancy and a fondness for stories and poetry.

Weaknesses:

Idiosyncratic speech pattern that can get very grating over time. Irritating habit of ostentatious deference to social superiors. Very short.

Summary:

This bachelor has the making of a wonderful family man and will prove a delightful companion to the humble, domestically minded lady who learns to nod and say, “Yes, dear” without paying too much attention to her husband’s words. He can be expected to make a devoted father who will entertain his offspring with stories about elves and strange adventures in far-off countries. Suggested Yule present: patented potato peeler or elocution lessons.

Status:  Highly recommended.

Saruman, aka Curunír

Strengths:

Saruman is a powerful wizard of high intelligence with immense skills of persuasion and commanding great respect among his peers. Owns extensive property in desirable location. Impressive appearance. Ambitious. Good management skills. With his charming voice, Saruman could also succeed in a career as a radio presenter.

Weaknesses:

Incredibly opinionated. Needs to get out more. Liable to be outwitted by butterflies. Considers “multi-colour” a good robe choice and hence deserves to be thrown into a well and /or sold into slavery.

Summary:

While Saruman would benefit from some fashion advice and a more varied social circle, he is a bachelor we recommend for the ambitious lady who would support a husband in climbing to the highest levels of political power.  He doesn’t like to be contradicted, but any lady worth her salt will be able to steer him gently while letting him believe everything is his own idea. Suggested Yule present: matching coasters and placemats, or whatever else you fancy for yourself.

Status: Recommended for the lady who wants to be a First Lady.

Sméagol, aka Gollum

Strengths:

Sméagol is an older bachelor with a wealth of experience. Very resilient and athletic, he has good orientation skills and is fit to survive in almost any environment. Excellent forager. Enjoys fishing and playing riddles.

Weaknesses:

Questionable personal hygiene and sub-standard attire. Disgusting table manners. Serious mental health issues (split personality), possible caused by traumatic childhood. Criminal record. Speech impairment. Obsessed with a certain “precious.”

Summary:

This bachelor would present a challenge to a spirited and compassionate lady with a desire for turning round another person’s life. However, it is highly doubtful if Sméagol would respond well to female improvement attempts. Smeagol would also need a complete make-over and to be fitted out with an entire new wardrobe. Suggested Yule present: jewellery.

Status: Not recommended.

Strider

See Aragorn

Telcontar

See Aragorn

The Dúnadan

See Aragorn

Thorongil

See Aragorn 

We hope our esteemed readers will find the guidance provided in this pamphlet useful and edifying. Virtuella Publications Ltd does not accept liability for any personal misfortune arising from your use of this information. Virtuella Publications Ltd would like to advise our readers that we do not object to homosexuality in general, but consider it a depreciating factor in the husband acquisition business. Enjoy your stay in Middle-earth and remember: Love is the answer, the answer to everything.

Volume II

After the unexpected success of The Ladies’ Guide to Middle-earth’s Eligible Bachelors, Virtuella Publications Ltd. have decided to compile a supplementary volume which covers a number of gentlemen who had not been considered in the original book. While it might be felt that the bachelors presented here are in some respects second choice, or at least second hand - for we have included a number of widowers - we hope sincerely that the discerning lady will be able to un-middle-earth some hitherto unconsidered gems. To our delight, some of the bachelors (as well as a few of their friends and neighbours) have been available for interview and have kindly permitted us to include their comments in this book.

Bill Ferny

Strengths:

Bill Ferny has a fine entrepreneurial spirit (not to mention an egalitarian attitude), being known to “sell anything to anybody.” This reputation is confirmed by the fact that he is able to sell a half-starved pony to the otherwise very competent Merry Brandybuck for thrice its value. He is also commendably non-violent, not retaliating but merely cursing when attacked with an apple by a considerably smaller person.

Weaknesses:

Bill Ferny is not a respected member of his community. Mrs Daisy Butterbur, landlady of the Prancing Pony in Mr Ferny’s home town Bree, calls him “a knave-and-a-half, if you get my drift, and a good-for-nothing lay-about.”  Apart from being a generally disagreeable grump, Mr Ferny has an unfortunate tendency to associate with squint-eyed, swarthy strangers, which appears to be, in the estimation of Professor Tolkien, a defect worse than halitosis. It should be noted, though, that it is entirely possible that Mr Ferny also suffers from halitosis in addition to his questionable taste in friends. Oh, yes, almost forgot, he’s not very nice to animals.

Summary:

Bill Ferny has “minor villain” written all over him, which is an unbecoming fashion choice to say the least. Unlike a major villain, Mr Ferny cannot compensate for his lack of affability with any prospect of power and/or affluence. A lady would have to be pretty desperate to take up with the ilk of Mr Ferny, especially since he has a name for having “queer folk” call at his house.

Suggested Yule present: Mouth wash and peppermint pastilles, just in case.

Status: Not recommended

Círdan the Shipwright

Strengths:

Círdan is a bearded Teleri Elf who resides at the Havens of Mithlond, where he supplies prospective travellers to Valinor with finely crafted seafaring vessels about which nobody has ever complained yet. One of the increasingly rare first edition Elves from Cuiviénen, Círdan is likely to fetch hitherto unparalleled sums at auction.

Weaknesses:

Círdan is so incredibly old that it is doubtful whether he would remember what to do with a wife. He also strikes the editor as being a bit on the whiny side. When asked about his occupation, he said, “Century after century, always wrighting ships, one after another, beautifully fitted, too, and do I get any thanks for it? No, off they go to Valinor and never even send me as much as a postcard. There’s no gratitude in the world.” The editor flinched at “wrighting” and did not form a favourable opinion of Círdan’s grasp of grammar.

Summary: 

The editor is uncertain about this bachelor. The beard, for example, may appeal to some ladies and be repulsive to others. Círdan is known to have given away a ring of power – was this generosity or stupidity? Has his perpetual dwelling by the Havens broadened or limited his horizon? Is it an advantage or a disadvantage that he never had any parents? We cannot tell.

Suggested Yule present: With this amount of uncertainty, it’ll have to be socks.

Status: The editor feels unable to make a recommendation in this case.

Elphir, Erchirion & Amrothos of Dol Amroth

Strengths:

Sadly, we cannot report anything positive about these three young men other than the assumption that being the sons of Imrahil of Dol Amroth is bound to have some benefit or other. When the editor contacted Mr Elphir’s office with a request for an interview, she was told that Mr Elphir was currently very busy at the fish market. We leave it to the readers to draw their own conclusions.

Weaknesses:

None of the three sons of Imrahil is mentioned in the account of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, which either indicates that they chickened out (probably haggling over a crate of halibut) or that they participated without in any way distinguishing themselves.  Either way, it doesn’t make them look good.

Summary:

If the father is that blooming gorgeous, why bother with the sons?

Suggested Yule present: Who wants to spend money on such losers?

Status: Not recommended

Gildor Inglorion

Strengths:

Gildor is an eloquent elf of the House of Finrod, so he has something to show for the lady conscious of social status. Comes in handy for temporarily sheltering endangered Hobbits on a perilous quest, though that is obviously not what a lady is looking for in a husband. Standard Elven stunning looks. Heart skilled at foreboding.

Weaknesses:

When he encounters Frodo, Sam and Pippin, Gildor is, according to his own words, engrossed in that popular Elven pastime, tarrying, which is just a euphemism for loitering. He is obviously of the tra-la-la-lally variation of Elf and even though he knows that the hobbits are persecuted by Nazgûl, he has no qualms to send them off alone into the wilderness with just a little warning to be cautious, pretty much in the manner of a fretful old lady who urges her nephews to be careful on the slippery steps. He also deems it psychologically advisable to refuse giving Frodo any information about the Black Riders so as not to discourage him. This, to put it mildly, does not suggest superior powers of mind, and while we appreciate the story-internal necessity for this behaviour with regard to plot development, we cannot but warn the discerning lady of such an airy-fairy fellow.

Summary:

If walking in the woods at night singing merry songs is your cup of tea, fine, go ahead and have a shot at Gildor (only metaphorically speaking, of course.) On the other hand, if you’re looking for someone with a bit of common sense and perhaps some DIY skills, you might want to look into a different direction. Gildor is unlikely to be the kind of Elf who could fix your computer.

Suggested Yule present: Tickets for Glastonbury Festival

Status: Cautiously recommended.

Hamfast Gamgee, aka The Gaffer

Strengths:

Hamfast Gamgee is a very respectable hobbit who fulfils his duties with much care and devotion. His social position is secure, if entirely lacklustre. Mr Gamgee describes himself as having “a good deal of plain hobbit sense, if you get my meaning, and not likely to go off on any silly adventures, no disrespect to my betters.”A widower and no spring chicken, Mr Gamgee has a wealth of experience to share and does so at the slightest provocation. 

Weaknesses:

If the expression “can talk for the Shire” means anything to you, you’ll know to be on your guard.

Summary:

While Mr Gamgee is admittedly capable of boring a lady to tears, he is as good-natured and reliable a Hobbit as one can wish for and would be a good choice for an unassuming older lady with moderate expectations, especially if she is slightly hard of hearing.

Suggested Yule present: Garden tool polishing kit, though in all honesty, this bachelor is so modest that he would gladly accept a bag of potatoes.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

Húrin the Tall, aka Húrin of the Keys

Strengths:

He’s got the keys. That has to count for something. Possibly related to the House of Stewards, but this is uncertain. Had the good sense to let Aragorn Son of Arathorn, aka Estel, aka Thorongil, aka Strider, aka The Dúnadan, aka Elessar, aka Elfstone, aka Telcontar, aka Envinyatar into the City of Minas Tirith at his request, thus preventing the prospective king from having a temper tantrum and kicking down the gate. Oh, and he is tall, obviously, unless someone has a really stinking sense of humour.

Weaknesses:

Tinkles as he walks.

Summary:

Apart from the keys, we know nothing about Húrin. Critics with a certain mindset are prone to assert that the Key acts as a phallic symbol. We will not comment on this, but since we have no reason to think ill of Húrin, we take the liberty to think well of him. Take your chances, you might be pleasantly surprised. If not, don’t blame us.

Suggested Yule present: Anything apart from key rings. Ensure also that Yule cracker does not contain key ring.

Status: Recommended

Imrahil of Dol Amroth

Strengths:

Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth has so much going for him that the editor is struggling to decide where to start. He is of such noble descent that all save Aragorn Son of Arathorn, aka Estel, aka Thorongil, aka Strider, aka The Dúnadan, aka Elessar, aka Elfstone, aka Telcontar, aka Envinyatar should faint with humility in his presence; he is a knight with a horse (or probably several) and shining armour; he is in all likelihood filthy rich, is widely respected as a very fine man, excellent warrior, wise ruler, la-dee-lah, la-dee-dah. Imrahil also has the good sense to check if people are actually dead before laying them out for burial, a precaution that apparently does not go without saying in and around Minas Tirith. Standard Númenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes combined with standard Elven stunning looks make Imrahil a sure winner even with the most aesthetically demanding lady.

Weaknesses:

Imrahil has no weaknesses as such, but is sadly eclipsed by those who can only with difficulties be perceived as his superiors.  Not for him the throne of Gondor or even the Steward’s chair. Whether or not he resents this state of affairs is unknown to the editor, but if he does, he is, well, resentful, and if he doesn’t, he lacks ambition.

Summary:

Imrahil is a desirable man in every possible sense of the word. It is not known to the editors whether or not Imrahil is currently a widower, but if he isn’t, a resourceful lady should be able to amend the situation to her satisfaction.

Suggested Yule present: A bijou kingdomette would set off Imrahil’s noble qualities so much better than a poky little princedom on top of a cliff, don’t you think?

Status: Highly recommended

Lindir of Imladris

Strengths:

Lindir  appears to be an Elf of respectable standing in Imladris. Little is known about him apart from his ability to diplomatically or at least evasively comment on sub-standard poetry. Linguists have pointed out that the meaning of his name suggest he is a fine singer or possibly a minstrel, which is a lot of tosh, because obviously he was named before he chose his career. (The editor knows at least three blonde Melanies and one very imprudent Prudence.)

Weaknesses:

Reportedly, Lindir has problems distinguishing between hobbits and humans, which indicates either extreme short-sightedness or moderate to severe learning difficulties.

Summary:

Since Lindir has in no way distinguished himself, it can be assumed that he is either lacking ambition or otherwise is devoid of talent. Having said that, he may equally likely be a hidden gem. The editor would like to hear from any lady who succeeds in finding out more about Lindir.

Suggested Yule present: Creatures of Middle-earth in three volumes, with coloured woodcuts

Status: Cautiously recommended

Lotho Sackville-Baggins

Strengths:

Lotho Sackville-Baggins is the owner of Bag End (or would be, if the place wasn’t so inconveniently owned by others), one of the most comfortable and luxurious smials in the Shire. Bag End is set in half an acre of professionally landscaped gardens. The front garden is set to lawn, with peripheral shrubs and perennial borders. Much of the back garden is dedicated to fruit and vegetables, though a well-maintained pleasure garden near the smial exists. The generously proportioned (by Hobbit standards) accommodation within the smial is in outstanding decorative order and must be seen to be fully appreciated. Bag End is furthermore famous for its well-stocked pantry and its wine and beer cellars.

Weaknesses:

As hinted above, Mr Sackville-Baggins doesn’t actually own Bag End, however much he would like to, almost does and fancies himself to be entitled to. Mr Sackville-Baggins is portrayed as mean-spirited, narrow-minded, mercenary, cowardly, greedy and vain. “They’re all just jealous,” commented Mr Sackville-Baggins. However, there is no reason to believe that he is not, indeed, mean-spirited, narrow-minded, mercenary, cowardly, greedy and vain.

Summary:

While there are plenty of reasons not to get involved with a bachelor who goes by the name of “Pimple,” there is really only one reason we’ll need to mention here, the reason to end all reasons, so-to-speak: mother-in-law. Anyone voluntarily becoming related to Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, especially in the role of daughter-in-law, must be suicidal.

Suggested Yule present: Scale model of Bag End

Status: Not recommended

Maglor Fëanorion

Strengths:

Maglor prides himself of his noble descent, though he is glad to be meanwhile the sole surviving member of his family in Middle-earth. After his “idiot brothers” finally departed in various states of disarray or, indeed, decay, Maglor established a pleasant home for himself in a remote area of Forlindon, “far away from trouble makers”.  He keeps a surreptitious eye on the well-being of his former foster son Elrond, which shows a caring nature:  “You know, I’m very fond of the boy, even though he’s turned out a bit of a sissy.” Maglor practises on the harp at least seven hours every day and attends choir rehearsal twice a week. After millennia of such diligent training, he has now achieved a standard of performance that enables him to passably entertain a lady for an evening. Standard Elven stunning looks.

Weaknesses:

Every now and then, Maglor will break a fingernail, which usually leads to a Fëanorian temper tantrum and will spoil harp performance for at least a fortnight. Badly scarred hand.

Summary:

Maglor would by and large be a jolly good companion, but is increasingly irritable these days due to the plethora of angsty fanfics concerning his person. As Maglor told our editor confidentially, “Will they be done with it already! Angst, angst, angst. I have stopped caring about that stupid Oath centuries ago. Life goes on, duty is duty, but beer is beer.”

Oops, shouldn’t have mentioned this in public, but never mind.

Suggested Yule present: Patented Plastic Plectrum fingernails.

Status: Recommended.

Rumil and Orophin of Lórien

Strengths:

The brothers Rumil and Orophin are run-of-the-mill Lórien Elves with standard Elven stunning looks and probably a few accomplishments up their flared sleeves. We can also assume that they have tasteful Art Noveau furnished flets in desirable locations in Caras Galadhon. Since they are decidedly minor characters and because, unlike their brother Haldir, they neither speak Westron nor die heroically in the movie, they are very rarely subject to fangirling.

Weaknesses:

Don’t seem to get out much.

Summary:

The editor tried to arrange an interview with Rumil and Orophin, but the lack of a shared language proved an insurmountable obstacle. As with Lindir of Imladris or Húrin the Tall, we take the absence of any negative reports on Rumil and Orophin as a good sign and would encourage ladies to seek the acquaintance of these bachelors. In case of doubt, we recommend viewing the flet first.

Suggested Yule present: Tourist Guide to Middle-earth (Virtuella Publications)

Status: Recommended

Sauron Annatar

Strengths:

Sauron owns extensive real estate in the South-East of Middle-earth, featuring dramatic scenery and reliably warm and dry weather. His property Barad-dûr comprises spacious accommodation on seventy-three floors, including personal torture chamber and fully fitted dungeons. Decorative state is exquisite and viewing highly recommended.  Sauron has excellent career prospects and can be expected to achieve dominion over all of Middle-earth within the next decade or so, provided that his Nazgûl don’t screw up and get scared by a ragged ranger waving about some burning sticks.  He has exceptional skills in jewellery-making and, should his current enterprises for some reason fail, would be able to establish himself as a gold-smith.

Weaknesses:

It is very doubtful if Sauron in his current incarnation as a great flaming eye, in which we understand he is pretty much stuck, would be able to attend to the physical side of a marital relationship. Furthermore, Sauron has an annoying habit of demanding his Ring back.

Summary:

With his almost unlimited potential for evil, Sauron is a must-have for the lady interested in a Dark Lord collection. There is some concern that narrative convention will demand for him to be overthrown as the central villain, but really, given the odds, this is not very likely.

Suggested Yule present:  Soothing eye-drops or metal detector.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

Ted Sandyman

Strengths:

A native inhabitant of idyllic Hobbiton, Ted Sandyman has moderately good career prospects, since he will inherit his father’s mill. Economic stability, if not exactly affluence, is highly probable with this bachelor. Mr Sandyman is of a prosaic and level-headed mindset, which leads him to dismiss fanciful stories about airy-fairy creatures and concentrate on more important matters like ordering the next round of beer.

Weaknesses:

Mr Sandyman features all the typical deficiencies of his race, being short, uneducated, prone to overeating and altogether too fond of smoking and drinking. Having said that, these weaknesses go hardly beyond what most ladies have to work with when taking on a bachelor. His scepticism may appear cynical, but would you rather have a husband who believes everything he’s told by a guy in the pub?

Summary:

Ted Sandyman is very much your standard kind of Hobbit, so if your taste runs that way, go ahead, follow it, I’m not going to chase after you.

Suggested Yule present: Personalised tankard

Status: Cautiously recommended

The Balrog of Moria

Strengths:

The Balrog of Moria is, no doubt, incredibly strong, so strictly speaking that would be considered a strength. While his exact descent is unknown, he is almost certainly of the race of Maia, i.e. an entity of very superior status. That in itself would recommend this bachelor to a certain type of lady. The Balrog is also very hot, albeit more in the literal than the figurative sense. We are given to understand that some ladies find whips strangely attractive.

Weaknesses:

The Balrog is notoriously unpopular with his neighbours, who sneeringly refer to him as “Durin’s Bane.” When asked whether he would like to get married, the Balrog replied, “Get out of here, you nosy rat of a journalist, or I’ll tear your head off.” The editor got the impression that the Balrog possesses not the most amiable of tempers. The Balrog’s home is, quite frankly, in an abysmal state. The prospective Mrs Balrog would have to employ industrial cleaning services on a massive scale in order to make the place inhabitable. The fabled Mines of Moria also require substantial structural work and general modernisation, including plumbing and double glazing. 

Summary:

Any lady marrying the Balrog of Moria will never have to worry about heating and lighting bills again. Beyond that, there is some doubt whether many ladies would be able to cope with the fiery temper of the Balrog.

Suggested Yule present: Decorative wall-mounted whip holder, handcrafted out of wood from sustainably managed forests.

Status: Not recommended

The Mouth of Sauron

Strengths:

There is something seductively romantic about the very term “Black Númenorean.” Nobody would want to get involved with a hideous little orc (well, not in Middle-earth anyway, Discworld is another matter entirely), but a dashing Man-of-Númenor-turned-naughty certainly has a lot of sex appeal. The Mouth of Sauron holds the position of Lieutenant of Barad-dûr, which goes with a generous salary, a well-devised pension plan and a handsome three-bedroom apartment on the thirty-sixth floor.

Weaknesses:

It is decidedly disconcerting to communicate with a person without a proper name, as the editor found when she interviewed Mr... um, Mr Mouth. Would his wife be addressed as “Mrs Mouth of Sauron”? That is hardly attractive. And how would she address her husband? “Mouth, dear, go and put the kettle on.” I think not.

Summary:

The issue of the name aside, Mr... um, Mr Mouth seems promising husband material. There is evidence that he is easily intimidated, which is just what a lady looks for in a spouse, isn’t it?

Suggested Yule present: Mr... um, Mr Mouth told the editor that he really fancies “one of those adjustable hair clippers, you know, the ones where you can give yourself a number one or number five or whatever you want.”

Status: Cautiously recommended

Théoden Son of Thengel

Strengths:

Théoden can at times appear a magnificent specimen of the male gender, with brilliant white hair and beard, dignified mien, fine stature etc. He is also politely spoken at such times, with polished manners and a strong sense of honour. Any mature lady would be proud of such a husband.

Weaknesses:

Sadly, at other times Théoden appears old beyond his years, barely coherent in his speech and entirely at the mercy of his carers. While the editor appreciates that caring for a frail husband may become a noble duty for a wife in the end, it does not seem a good way to start a marriage.

Summary:

With Théoden, it seems to be very much hit and miss whether one gets a fine, valiant king or a dribbling gaffer in his dotage. In any case, though, ladies should consider that Meduseld is a very desirable property in a prime location and well worth any inconvenience one might experience with an associated husband.

Suggested Yule present: The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by R.L.Stevenson,hardcover, leather bound, gilt edged, 10% discount if you order before 15^th of December.

Status: Cautiously recommended

Théodred Son of Théoden

Strengths:

Not applicable

Weaknesses:

Dead at time of going to print.

Summary:

Not applicable

Suggested Yule present: Not applicable

Status: Not applicable

Thranduil Oropherion

 Strengths:

Thranduil is the King of the woodland realm which is known as Mirkwood to some, as Greenwood to others. Some ladies might feel put off by the fact that he lives in an underground system of caves, but rest assured that the Halls of Thranduil are comfortably and elegantly furnished to the highest specification. New plumbing was installed less than a century ago, all caves are fitted with hardwood flooring and electric lighting, and the master bedroom has en suite facilities. The rather tatty artex ceilings you may have heard about have been removed a few years ago and all caves are now painted with matte finish emulsion in tasteful colour schemes.

Thranduil himself is fitted with standard Elven stunning looks and the routinely dispensed royal qualities of wisdom, generosity, dignity etc. He is an experienced warrior and well respected among other rulers in spite of his tendency to let important prisoners escape. 

Weaknesses:

As Thranduil himself says, the whole Fairy King business can get a bit tedious over time. “I mean, come on, a crown of autumn berries, how acorny is that?” says the youthful-looking king, playfully brushing aside his golden tresses. “And in summer it’s flowers, which is even worse. Makes me look like a blooming hippie!” Thranduil also suffers from arachnophobia, which, given the circumstances, is particularly inconvenient.

Summary:

Thranduil has been a widower for long enough to be no longer consumed with grief, but not so long as to have forgotten what marriage is all about. Since there is no mention of any females dwelling in the woodland realm, there is no competition for Thranduil’s attentions.  (Rumour has it that the Silvan ladies established a separatist feminist colony with the Ent wives somewhere in the far East , but there is no clear evidence for this.) An all round charming bachelor, Thranduil offers a chance for the discerning lady to snatch up a good-value second hand king at very little cost.

Suggested Yule present: Baseball Cap

Status: Recommended

Watch out for further Middle-earth pamphlets from Virtuella Publications Ltd.

Now available in paperback: “Wargs, Dragons and Fell Beasts. Pets of Middle-earth.”