Written for Dreamflower’s birthday! This picks up right after “Cheeky Took”. Pippin is 6 and the Tooks were enjoying the final night of the Free Fair, until…

The Whole Truth and Nothing Butt

Paladin and Eglantine stood with their hands on their hips and frowned down at their youngest child and only son. Pippin peered up at his parents with his hands behind his back and his eyes as contrite as he could make them. Merry had said how very important it was to look contrite, and Pippin was putting forth his very best effort.

“Peregrin,” Paladin began.

Pippin gulped. Use of his full name, in that tone, was never good. He tilted his chin down and looked up even more contritely than before.

“What do you have to say for yourself?” Paladin asked.

Pippin hummed. “Well, I have lovely green eyes. Auntie Esme says so. I know how to make chicken broth now, and I have a ten- tende- tendency to talk too much. Everyone tells me that. Except Merry and Frodo. They don’t mind that I talk a lot, except for some reason when Merry is trying to go to sleep. He’s very grouchy about talking then.”

“What do you have to say about your behavior this evening?” Eglantine asked. With Pippin, it helped to be as specific as possible.

“I waited very patiently for the mayor to call my name,” Pippin said, switching from contrite to innocent. “I went to the stage for my prize as soon as I heard my name. It’s not polite to keep people waiting for you, so I was very quick. I shook his hand and smiled and said thank you and made eye contact. Then I got off stage right away so he could call the next person and not make them wait. I was very polite. Wasn’t I?”

“Yes, you were, Peregrin,” Paladin said. “You were very courteous.”

“Thank you!”

“You were also naked,” Eglantine said, cutting to the chase.

“Oh. That.”

“Yes. That. I didn’t see Merry up there. Did he put you up to this?” Paladin asked.

“I took off my clothes all by myself,” Pippin declared.

“Because Merry told you to?” Eglantine prompted.

“Merry didn’t take off his clothes,” Pippin said.

“Peregrin, stop evading the question. Did Merry tell you to run onto the stage naked?” Eglantine asked.

“No,” Pippin said. What Merry had was that it would be very funny if Pippin streaked onto the stage. He had never once used the word ‘naked.’

“Then why weren’t you wearing any clothes?” Paladin asked.

“They got wet and I didn’t have time to get dry clothes. If I had gone to get dry clothes, then people would have waited a very, very long time for me, and that would be rude,” Pippin said.

“How did your clothes get wet?” Eglantine asked.

“I got water on them.”

“How?”

“I was thirsty and you said I’m not allowed to have punch after sundown so I had to get water but when I tried pouring the water into my cup I missed it and the water poured all over me so I had to take off my clothes,” Pippin explained. It had been Merry’s idea to let Pippin pour his own water so he could accidentally spill it on himself. Merry was very smart about these things. “You said it’s important to not look like a ragamuffin when accepting a prize from the mayor, and that’s how I would have looked if I had gone up there wearing wet clothes, and I didn’t want to disappoint you after you took so long to make me look good.” 

“You certainly didn’t disappoint us,” Paladin muttered.

Pippin beamed. “I’m ever so glad!”

Paladin and Eglantine exchanged a look. “So, where was Merry during all of this then?” Eglantine asked.

“He had to hide from this older lass with grabby hands,” Pippin said. Merry had taken Opal Stonebow’s pink ribbon and she had tried to grab it back. Opal was in her tweens, which made her much older than Merry. When Pippin had asked why the lass had to be older, Merry only said that it was a good excuse, much better than if the lass had been younger, though he refused to explain why.

Paladin and Eglantine exchanged another look.

You know he’s not telling us everything, said Eglantine’s look.

He’ll be punished for this plenty later, said Paladin’s.

“Very well,” Eglantine said, “but next time something like this happens, keep your clothes on, even if they’re drenched.”

“Yes Mum!” Pippin said, feeling elated. Merry’s plan had worked!

“You may go now,” Eglantine said.

“Thanks, Mum!” Pippin said and bolted from the tent as quick as his legs could carry him.

Eglantine stared at the tent flap long after Pippin vanished through it. At last, she shook her head. “What will they think of next?”

“Don’t worry, dearest. It’ll be a long time before they can top this,” Paladin said.

“I certainly hope not!” Eglantine exclaimed. “The day they top this is the day I return to Pincup in shame. I never imagined I’d have an exhibitionist for a son!”

“Every lad has a wild streak in him,” Paladin said.

They dared to look at each other again and burst into laughter.

“We won’t be bored, at least,” Eglantine said, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Indeed,” Paladin agreed, for dullness was never a worry with a son like Pippin.

GF 6/30/09