Bandobras Took, Crickhollow, Buckland

To Legolas Thranduilion, Lord of Dol Galenehtar, Ithilien

Dear Master,

Well!  That last letter was certainly an eye-opener!  I didn't know which to do, to laugh or to shout with frustration, and I'm sure you're just as bewildered as I.  What a conundrum your mother's put you in!  Why, I'm sure it's even worse than it was for poor Cousin Merry, when his dad put such pressure on him to marry Estella Bolger; I thought he'd go mad with frustration, really I did.  But they're safely wed now, and expecting a baby too; Uncle Pip's in such a state I'm surprised he isn't knitting booties himself.  Fortunately my mum's knitted enough to outfit a whole army of babies; there are so many of the little knotted bags about the place I'm starting to use them to store my teeth in.  I have a bully collection, Master, of all different sorts of teeth.  Uncle Pip says most of them are just deer and cow and pig teeth, but I have a few Hobbit-teeth from my cousin Eglantine, and some sharp ones Cousin Merry thinks are dog's, but I'd rather believe them to be wolves'.  That would be so much more exciting, wouldn't it, Master?

If you and Kaimelas and Galás were so tickled by my hijinks with the wine-barrel, I'm awfully pleased, for I think besides Uncle Pip and Cousin Merry, who thought it a right lark, and Mayor Gamgee of course, no one else thought it funny at all.  Well, Holbard did, but he hardly counts, as he gets into even more trouble than I, believe it or not!  I caught it but good when I got home; I thought my mum would have a fit and fall down on the floor gnashing her teeth, really I did.  But as it turns out it was a good thing I flubbed so spectacularly, for last week when I let the bull loose she was still comparing it to the wine-barrel, and it didn't looks so bad to her, despite the fact the bull got into the wheat field, trampled a great swath through it to the pond, got himself imbrangled in the old barrow there, and thrashed about so much he upset the hayrick, and a whole field's worth of hay was thrown into the pond.  Now, Master, it's not such a big pond as will hold a field's worth of hay, it's just a little water-hole really, so when all that hay fell in it, the bull thought it was part of the field, and ran into it; then he stirred up so much mud he mixed it up quite thoroughly with the hay, and then when he got tired he just stood there, the barrow stuck on one of his legs and a wheel impaled on his left horn, in the hot sun, and would you guess it?  The sun baked that mud and straw and water up into brick!  We had to go at him with hammers and chisels to get him out of there, and now the pond is all ruined, and there is no place to water the sheep from the lower field, and we're out a field's worth of hay, and Cousin Merry was so angry with me he wanted to thrash me, but my mother said no, I had been well punished enough for the wine-barrel and that ought to do me for now.  And as for the poor bull, he still has brick-work about his legs, and is so depressed he won't even look at the cows, which is a shame as we have a right nice one just old enough to start to calf, and I had hoped to have a cow of my own someday, and perhaps I could have had this one.  But as it turns out it doesn't look as though we'll have any calves this spring, for the bull is simply skiving off his duty neglecting the heifers like this.

Not much else is happening here, except that Uncle Pip's been walking out with a girl named Diamond who is nearly young as I am, and Grandfather's so furious he's about ready to send Uncle Pip to Minas Tirith right away, just to get him away from her.  But I like Diamond well enough, she's pretty and sassy and very sharp-tongued, and I think she and Uncle Pip would make a dandy couple.  Mum thinks so too, but she's holding her tongue, for if Grandfather knew she was helping her brother steal kisses behind the silo and letting him in after dark, I'm sure he'd have an apoplexy right there and it wouldn't matter anymore, because then Uncle Pip would be the Thain and he could marry whomever he chose.

I don't think I'll ever go courting, Master, it seems to be a pastime fraught with trouble.  Let's just you and Gimli and I be old bachelors together, shall we? 

Mother will not let me leave for Mirkwood just yet; she says she wants to see that Uncle Pip is married and Cousin Merry's new baby gets here first.  I'm awfully anxious to see you again, Master; I miss you something terrible, and I do dearly want to see your fair face again, and see your lovely new tower, and cook you up such a great meal the maids who're chasing you will throw up their hands in despair and let you alone.  But it looks as though it'll be another year yet, depending on how stubborn Grandfather and Uncle Pip are, so I'll just keep my sword sharp and go on practicing what you've taught me.

Tell Gimli I said hello and that I want to see the Glittering Caves, and tell King Éomer I said congratulations and I hope his new bride will be quite happy in Rohan, and tell the King and Queen and Lord Faramir and Lady Éowyn and Kaimelas and Meivel and Galás I miss them and can't wait to see them.

Your affectionate esquire,

Bandobras

P.S.:  Please give Piukka a sugar-lump, and tell him it's from me.

B.