Chapter 35 - Waking

Legolas insisted on staying with Rhinure though the villagers offered to sit by her while he got some rest. He appreciated the concern they showed for him but he could not let anyone stay with Rhinure except him. He had vowed that she would not be alone when she woke – no matter how long it would take.

And even if he did not want to admit it – he wanted the first thing she saw to be him. The first thing her eyes saw must be him. If that meant staying in an uncomfortable chair next to her – then so be it.

Legolas watched her while she slept; she looked so peaceful that for a moment he could pretend that she was just resting. And then he would notice that her eyes were closed and his heart would squeeze. The way her dark lashes rested against her pale cheeks, fluttering every once in a while made his heart twist in unimaginably painful knots.

What he would not give for her eyes to mock him.

He knew not how many hours it had been since the Patrol has left, and candidly, he did not care. He should have been more concerned about his people but, at this moment, all that mattered was that Rhinure should wake up and scream at him, rant at him, hurt him as much as he had hurt her. Only then would his heart be free of this sick feeling of guilt. But he knew she would never do that – she would only stare at him.

What he would not give for her eyes to condemn him.

Every time Rhinure stirred in her sleep, Legolas would almost jump out of his chair to make sure that she was okay. He would be beside her in an instant, hoping that this time she would wake up – this time she would open her eyes. But then she would settle back into sleep and Legolas would have to go back. He continued to look at her, forcing his eyes to remain on her face and not look at her wound. Look only at her face, the point of her chin, the curve of her mouth, the sweep of her lashes – anything except that wound.

What he would not give for her eyes to forgive him.

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The evening shadows lengthened and still Legolas watched over the sleeping form of Rhinure. He had lunch brought to him but he was not too interested in eating. He ate a little in order to please the elleth who had brought him the food. Every hour on the hour, a Wood-elf would come in to report that all was well. Legolas would nod and then turn his attention back to his wife.

*~ If only she would wake up. ~*

As if she had heard his silent plea Rhinure stirred once more. This time Legolas stayed silently in his chair, not moving a muscle, afraid that any movement would cause her to fall asleep again. So he remained in the chair, his eyes never leaving her face.

Rhinure groaned slightly, causing Legolas to clutch his arms of the chair tightly. She shifted on the bed and weakly opened her eyes. She blinked once and tried to focus on her surroundings. As the sleep induced haze left her eyes, she found herself looking at the most blue colour she had ever seen. Legolas was looking at her.

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Legolas held his breath when he saw Rhinure open her eyes – how he had missed that peculiar black shade. She blinked once and then turned to look straight at him, as if she had known he was there.

Legolas asked her softly, “How do you feel, my Lady?”

Up went Rhinure’s eyebrow, “As if I was hit by an arrow, my Lord.”

And for the first time in that long miserable day, Legolas laughed – really laughed. Whether it was exhaustion, relief or mirth he could not be sure, but at this point he did not care. All he knew was it was good to laugh.

Rhinure closed her eyes for a moment and allowed herself to get lost in the sound of his laughter. It was sound she was unused to, the way it rolled out of him, like music. It was like being wrapped in a thick warm blanket – it made her feel. She was not exactly sure what she felt but it made her feel.

When the room was quiet again, Rhinure opened her eyes to find that Legolas was looking at her again. His blue eyes never left her face, for which she was grateful. But she wanted to hear him laugh again, not look at her with such pity, as if she was going to break on him.

“My condition amuses you, my Lord?” Rhinure expected Legolas to smile and make some glib comment but she was dismayed to note that his face became even more serious. A tiny frown marred his forehead, and Rhinure was tempted to get up and smoothen it. Unfortunately, she was sure that her arms and legs would not co-operate.

“Never, my Lady. Your condition has been a source of … great worry for me.”

He was concerned for her, Rhinure could see that. Very concerned – he did not say anything but she noted the half empty tray of food next to him. She noted the fact that he was still dressed in the same tunic he wore in the morning though it was blood stained. She noted the bandage on his arm which had turned pink because he had not bothered having it changed. But most of all, she noted the way the set of his shoulders drooped ever so slightly, as if only now was he allowing himself to feel tired.

“My lord, how long have I been unconscious?”

“Since the afternoon.”

“And you have been here the whole time?”

“Yes. I would not have you wake up alone.”

“Someone else could have stayed with me,” Rhinure pointed out gently. “You need to rest as well and I doubt that chair is comfortable.”

Legolas smiled and shook his head, “Someone could have but I would not have let them.”

“But, my Lord … you are injured yourself …”

Legolas cut Rhinure off and repeated a little firmly, “I would not have let them. I wished to stay here.”

Rhinure let her head fall back onto the pillow, there was no use in arguing with this Elf. He was so stubborn. *~ Wait … pillow? What is a pillow doing in the middle off a battlefield? ~* Only then, did Rhinure notice that she was in a bed, not as comfortable as the one in the Palace but it would do.

“My Lord, where am I?”

“In a bed, my Lady.” And once again, Rhinure’s eyebrow arched up. Legolas was beginning to adore that little eyebrow.

“And where is the bed?”

Legolas was tempted to answer that it was in a house but decided that tormenting patients was cruel – but entertaining. “We moved to the nearest settlement and the villagers graciously offered you their best bed.”

“Were any others injured?”

Legolas’ face became solemn, “Some and Lady Ehtewen was poisoned.”

Rhinure’s expression hardened and Legolas knew that she was hiding her concern. “Where is she?”

“In the room next to yours.”

“Then I will go see her.” Rhinure made a move to get out of the bed but was attacked by waves of nausea.

Legolas was beside her in an instant, catching her before she fell, “Oh no, my Lady. You are not moving from the bed. You need to rest.” He kept his arms around her, holding her up so that her face was almost level to his.

“I wish to see her,” Rhinure looked up at Legolas, determination colouring her eyes.

*~ Ilúvatar, she is stubborn. ~* Legolas shook his head, “And you will see her when she wakes. She needs her peace as much as you do.”

Rhinure’s face paled a little and she asked, “She is still unconscious? Will she be recover?”

Legolas wanted to hit himself for worrying Rhinure. He should have told her immediately that she was healing, “Yes my lady, she will recover. The healer said that she needed rest.”

Unconsciously, Rhinure hand came up to weakly clutch Legolas’ tunic, fingers curling into a ball around the material, “Are you certain of this, my Lord?”

Legolas looked down at the tiny fist which clutched him so desperately. He would not have thought Rhinure was capable of such emotion. Rhinure noticed Legolas looking at her hand and she quickly dropped it. By the time, Legolas looked at her again, he face was smooth once more. He sighed, why must she hide from him all the time?

“I am certain of it, my Lady. Your First Guard will recover to shadow you once again.”

Rhinure nodded, not the most sensible thing to do since it made her head spin a little. Legolas tightened his arms around her, holding her up, close to him. She closed her eyes and let her head lean on his arm.

“I should let you rest, my Lady.”

Rhinure did not open her eyes, she was so tired. “Only if you promise to rest yourself.” Before Legolas could argue again she continued, “At the very least, change out of that tunic you are wearing. It smells of orc blood and it is most unpleasant.”

Legolas looked down at the bent head, despite the fact that she was an invalid she could still presume to order him about. It was a strangely delicious feeling. “As my Lady commands.” For a moment, he did not move, looking down at this elleth resting in his arms.

Rhinure was half-asleep but she still managed to say, “Well then, what is keeping you?”

Legolas chuckled softly as he laid her back onto the bed and left the room to find a change of clothing.

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Herenion looked up when he heard Legolas’ light step. “I take it she is awake?”

Legolas turned a huge smile on his bodyguard, “Whatever gave you that idea?”

“Oh, it might have something to do with the fact that you are smiling and your eyes are twinkling. Of course, I might be completely wrong – maybe I should go in and see for myself?”

“No.” Legolas caught Herenion before the elf could go inside. “She just fell asleep again. Leave her be, she needs her rest.”

“Again? So I take it she did wake up, even it was only for a short time?”

Legolas laughed, “Yes, she woke up. And before you can ask, she is still weak but otherwise fine. Her tongue seems to have suffered no damage whatsoever.”

Herenion looked questioningly at Legolas, who only shook his head and smiled, “She ordered me to find some clean clothes and then get some rest.”

Herenion laughed and clapped Legolas on the shoulder, “Well, then what are you waiting for. Princess Rhinure is an eminently sensible elleth and I for one fully agree with her. You do reek.”

“Thank you, my life is now complete.” Legolas pretended to be affronted and failed miserable since he was smiling too much. “Come on, help me find a new tunic, I do not want to offend my wife’s delicate sensibilities.”

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Finding a new tunic was not a problem, the villagers were more than happy to lend their Prince one – it was the resting part that Legolas was having a problem with. He should have been exhausted, he should be ready to collapse onto the bed provided to him. His stomach was full, his Guards had taken their position without having to be told, and Rhinure was recovering. His body ached to rest. While he had made sure each of the Wood-elves, especially the injured had some rest, he had not done the same. The whole afternoon has been spent by Rhinure’s side in that uncomfortable chair.

Legolas knew that he needed a few hours of sleep at most and his Elven body would be refreshed and alert. But no matter how much he tried, he could not fall asleep. Every time his mind started to drift, the memory of Rhinure’s pale face and unmoving body would flash before his eyes. He tried closing his eyes, blocking out the evening shadows and forcing himself to sleep but that only made him think of Rhinure even more – the darkness reminding him of her.

It was not that he was worried about her, after all Herenion was watching her this very moment. Legolas had left clear instructions that he should be called if and when she woke up. He had no doubts that Herenion would not fail in carrying out his orders. However, in the end none of these very sensible thoughts mattered, he wanted to be next to Rhinure. He would suffer that painful chair as long as he could watch over her.

Legolas growled and threw back the covers from his body. This was getting ridiculous, he was getting no rest as it was so he might as well be by his wife’s side. As he struggled into his clean tunic, an awkward task since his other arm was still sore, he wondered if she would want him there.

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Legolas slowed when he heard voices coming from Rhinure’s room, “ … my Lady, I think it is best if I get Legolas. He would want to be here.”

Legolas recognised Herenion’s voce and the sharp tone which replied, “No, I do not want him here. He should be resting.”

She did not want him there – Legolas almost turned back feeling as if someone had picked an old scab which had just stopped bleeding.

“My Lady, he would want to be with you,” Herenion insisted.

Rhinure consented, “If that is what he wished then call him. But first I would like you to answer some questions.”

“And what questions would those be, my Lady?” Both Rhinure and Herenion looked at the door where Legolas stood, apparently calm. But both elves noted that his shoulders were just a little too straight, and his arms just a little too casually placed by his side.

Rhinure knew that something was wrong, Legolas looked like he was in pain. She knew that he should have stayed in bed, resting. “My Lord, you should be resting.”

“As should you, my Lady.”

“I am still in bed, while you on the other hand are not.”

“And neither do I plan to be. I would rather stay here, by your side … if you would have me.” Legolas glanced at Rhinure, blue eyes searching hers for a sign of welcome.

“If that is what you wish, my Lord,” Rhinure kept her eyes blank, though her façade almost crumbled when she saw the disappointment in Legolas’ face.

“My Lady, what do you wish?”

“I wish you would get some rest.” Legolas’ face fell, she did not want him there.

“But,” Rhinure paused, not sure if she should continue. Not sure how to continue, “If you will not rest, then I would rather you remain here … by my side.” Rhinure kept her face carefully blank, not letting him know how much she wanted him to stay. How her eyes had searched for him when she had woken up, only to feel a sharp sense of disappointment when he was not there. She would not put herself through that again.

Legolas smiled and took the chair, “As my Lady wishes.”

Rhinure watched him take his place next to her and immediately felt at ease. She was safe now. Legolas kept smiling at her, her response had not been enthusiastic but from Rhinure it might as well have been a public announcement. He knew Herenion would probably tease him about this, but he could not stop smiling.

Herenion watched the two young elves stare at each other, and fondly shook his head. He was clearly not wanted anymore. As he left the room silently, he was sure that neither noticed his departure.

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“I believe you has some questions for me, my Lady?” Legolas asked, his eyes never leaving Rhinure’s face. If he could detect emotion from Istion, then Rhinure too must give out those little signals.

“The questions were for your First Guard, but I believe you will do as well.”

Legolas raised his eyebrow not sure if Rhinure was mocking him or whether she was serious. “I will try to please, my Lady. What do you wish to know?”

“Where is Istion?”

“With the Avari, hunting for Orcs.”

“You sent my Avari on patrol.” Rhinure’s voice took on a frosty tone and Legolas knew that he was speaking to the Sacrifice. Her face was absolutely smooth and her hands carefully folding in her lap. Unlike Istion, neither did her body nor her tone give anything away. She was proving to be more of a challenge than the younger Avari.

“You gave me Command and I exercised it, my Lady. I felt that it was best that the Avari help the Border Patrol flush out any remaining orcs.” Legolas half expected her to deny what he had said and half expected her to take offence.

She did neither, she nodded in acceptance of what he had done and asked, “When do you expect them back?”

“Soon.”

“Will they be able to recover the dead?” Rhinure’s tone became absolutely flat as this point.

“I can only hope that they will. If not, I am sure Agorion will bring back the Avari Blades. It seems unlikely that the orcs would take the weapons.”

Rhinure was taken aback, “You know of the Blades?”

Legolas could not be sure but her voice seemed a little uncertain. “Yes, my lady. Agorion informed me about it. It is not how we do things so I misunderstood what you said to me before.”

“It does not matter, my Lord. Do not concern yourself over it.”

“My Lady, it does concern me. I should not have said the things I said to you. They were inexcusable, especially since you were obviously dealing with … a great loss.”

Rhinure did not reply, the memory of Morion blocking all words in her throat.

*~ I will never forgive you for leaving me as well chachu. ~*

As Legolas continued to look at her, obviously expecting some response Rhinure forced the words out of her throat. It did not matter that her tone was brittle, as long as she said it. “My Lord, what you said was your right. Since you believed it to be the truth I cannot, and do not fault you for what you said.”

*~ No matter how they hurt me, I cannot hold them against you. I will not hold them against you. ~*

Legolas sighed, “My Lady, the truth is that I did not mean what I said. I do not believe that you are …”

“A cold flame, burning but giving no warmth?”

Legolas winced slightly when he heard his words in Rhinure’s mouth, “My Lady, I did not mean it.”

“Then why did you say it, my Lord.”

“I was angry, tired, probably both. I thought … felt that you did not understand. I cannot say what I was thinking at that point.” Rhinure’s eyes widened slightly, as if in surprise. Legolas would have missed it if he had not been watching her very closely.

*~ So you do give out small signals. ~*

“Have you never said anything in anger, my Lady?”

“My Lord, when I am angry I tend to say nothing. I will not inflict my emotions on others.”

Legolas felt like an errant child, “My Lady, forgive me.”

“My Lord, this apology is unnecessary. One cannot change the past.”

Legolas smiled, feeling defeated by Rhinure’s pragmatism, “Will you not accept my apology if only to make me feel better?” His eyes fled from her face, unable to look at her knowing the hurt his careless words had caused her. He could not mistake the pain in her eyes when he confessed to her. She was willing to accept his words if they were truth, because she would not deny him the truth, but words spoken in anger, words spoken to wound were alien to her.

 “Will you not … absolve me of this guilt?”

“My Lord, please look at me.” Legolas’ eyes snapped back to Rhinure’s face, and were surprised to find that there was an almost gentle expression on her face. “Your words spoken in anger do not change the fact that you stayed by my side all this time. They do not change the fact you looked after my Avari. They do not change your actions and therefore they mean nothing. There is no guilt to absolve you of.”

And with those words, Rhinure forgave Legolas – though he did not need it, and she truly did not see the relevance of it, she forgave him. It was what he wanted, and she could not deny him that.

“But I hurt you.”

“And that is my concern, my Lord. What I feel is my affair. You cannot take responsibility for what others feel. Not even you, my Lord, have the strength for that.”

Legolas smiled, happy that she had forgiven him but disheartened at the same time. She had reminded him of how far apart they really were. People who cared about each other were willing to consider the others emotions – something neither had done.

“My Lord, I think you still do not understand.” Rhinure could see the hurt in Legolas’ eyes and the loneliness. She was not trying to push him away but trying to explain.

“How so, my Lady?”

“What you said, you should not have. But it does not matter in the end. If you wish to see it as a mistake then do so. But forgive yourself for it as well. We all make mistakes, my Lord. But they become blights if we let them fester.

I know you do not want to hurt me, you worry about what I feel. And for that I am grateful to you. But I can look after myself, you need not concern yourself about me.”

*~ But I want to concern myself. I want to worry, I want to make sure that you never hurt again. You accept what I do but why cannot you understand what I feel? ~*

It seemed as if the two Elves has reached an impasse, both trying to understand what the other was saying but not saying enough. For Rhinure, Legolas’ actions were infinitely more important. She did not comprehend that Legolas could willingly want to spare her pain since no one ever had bothered. It was not the Avari way, they would do what needed to be done, no matter what others felt about it. When it came to their actions and their relationships, the Avari were supremely practical and logical. It was a sign of weakness to act on emotions. No Avari would speak out in anger; it would be a crass thing to do. Since whatever they did was necessary and carefully thought out, any hurt caused was unavoidable. For Legolas to want to show his feelings, to be concerned about others’ was incomprehensible.

Legolas, on the other hand, could not appreciate the intensely private nature of Avari emotion. It was such a private thing for them that it did not matter how their actions affected the next person. While they would not act upon emotions, they hoarded them like a starving person would hoard food. Any emotion, be it anger or hurt, was precious. So precious that it could not be shared – would not be shared, for it would only lessen what you felt. While he could appreciate the Avari dedication to deed and not words, he did not understand the flip side to this all. It was the Avari fear that sharing emotions made them weak, it made them vulnerable. And in the end, it left them empty because once they lost their emotions they had nothing.

What Legolas saw as a lack of emotion, and often a disregard for it, was actually an extreme emotion in itself. It was not that the Avari thought emotion irrelevant, but the thought it too personal, something that made them who they were. It was the one thing that they kept for themselves, only for themselves – the one freedom that they were allowed, the one vice in lives which were bound by honour and chained by duty.

“So my Lady, we all make mistakes? Would you care to tell me some which you have made?” Legolas asked playfully, he would think about her words later. Right now he had to bring some light back to this painfully dark conversation.

“I made a mistake in not telling you about the ambush. While I still maintain that it helped your Company, I could have devised a less … abrupt plan.”

Legolas blinked, “My Lady, you do not have to apologise …”

“My Lord, I am not. This is an explanation not an apology. To apologise for something I cannot change …”

“Is unnecessary,” Legolas finished for her. “But nonetheless, I accept your apology, oh … forgive me … your explanation.”

It was a good thing that Rhinure did not believe in acting on her emotions, because injured or not, she would have smacked Legolas.

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