Chapter 47: Decision Made

Frodo did not wish to leave the embrace of the Light that held him, but he felt also Sam holding him.

Sam will keep you safe, Gandalf’s voice came to him again. And Iluvatar will always be with you, an even more staunch guardian.

Can’t I stay here? It feels safe. I don’t hurt so much here.

Frodo felt the warmth of Gandalf’s sympathetic smile. No, dear boy, you cannot. But don’t think that by leaving here, you will leave the arms that have held you all your life. You will always those and you will have Sam’s and your cousins and even Aragorn’s and mine, if you would like.

I’d like that. I fear I will need them all.

And you shall have them all.

While I carried the Ring, it felt like my soul was being torn apart. I didn’t think anything could feel worse, but then I failed again. Is it truly destroyed this time? the hobbit asked, almost fearing the answer.

Gandalf’s smile widened. It truly is. Breathe deep, Frodo. Even the air smells cleaner. There’s none of that odd sense I felt last time and wondered about.

But will it always hurt so much?

You weren’t hurt overnight, Frodo, and you will not heal overnight, but you will if you allow yourself to. Trust us to help you and love you enough that you feel like you can do that. The burden of being a Ringbearer is a crushing one, but it’s one you never carried alone. You’ve been surrounded by more guardians than just Sam. Lean on that love, and that of your other friends. Live in their light and feel the light come back into yourself. It will come, if you believe it will. I know you heard all the reasons you should come back.

Frodo smiled. I did.

He woke up to bright sunshine and Sam’s soothing heartbeat. He raised his head and looked at his brother. The way the sun shone on that dear one’s long, cream nightshirt and hit his golden hair made him even more a being of Light that Frodo had always thought him. He knew from Pippin’s cold feet his youngest cousin was beside him and Merry, though he couldn’t see him, was nearby also. What a joy to feel those feet again! Frodo’s battered heart swelled with love for his friends and he smiled. He could have stared at them forever, lost himself in the light that shone from them, light he so desperately needed to cleanse himself from the darkness that was still so much a part of him, but he gradually grew aware of another presence in the room, patiently waiting to be noticed.

He drew his gaze away from his devoted friends and looked at Gandalf who smiled at him.  “Welcome back, Frodo,” the wizard said. “See what I told you was true? You are surrounded by love.”

The Ring-bearer’s smile faded. “I don’t deserve all this. I did terrible things to Sam.” He tried to pull away, but even in his sleep, Sam tightened his grip slightly to prevent it. Begging your pardon, Mr. Gandalf, sir, but Mr. Frodo still needs me and until he doesn’t, I’m not leaving.

Gandalf smiled. “The measure of love is to love without measure.”

“I don’t know why he still does.”

“Because he knows you, Frodo. Not what the Ring made you, but the true you. He loves that person. You need to rediscover, what he and everyone else already knows, that for all your failings and misdeeds, you are still a worthy person. You loved without measure also, loved all of Middle-earth enough to take all its possible suffering into yourself so it could live free and in peace. That is no small task for anyone, but only a hobbit could have done it.”

Frodo looked at his friend. “It broke me though, the strain of it all.”

Gandalf’s smile widened. “My dear hobbit, it would have broken anyone, but your large, generous, loving heart gave you the strength to withstand it longer than anyone could have. What lies behind you and ahead of you are small matters compared to what lies within you. Iluvatar did not choose you foolishly. He knew very well what you were capable of. That is how and why He created you.”

Frodo closed his eyes and tried to believe. Gandalf watched him for a little while as the troubled hobbit fell back asleep with a deep frown marring his fair features, then the wizard knelt down, grasped that small, maimed hand and spoke softly into his friend’s broken heart. “May each day, dear child, bring you the light of new hope, the blessing of returning strength and the comfort of knowing how greatly you are loved.”

Frodo murmured something, his fingers momentarily tightening around his friend’s, then he slid into deeper sleep. His frown was not so deep.

When he woke next, Gandalf was gone, but Merry, Pippin and Sam were still there, softly talking among themselves. When they realized he was awake, they looked at him and wanted badly to have the same joyous reunion they had had the first time, but they were somber as they regarded him and he them. Without a word, Merry embraced him tightly and Frodo held onto him and they both cried. It was echoed with Pippin’s embrace until all four of them were crying, but they were also back together, and there was comfort also as the three hobbits wrapped their fellow hobbit with enough love to ease his pain and theirs temporarily. Sam cheered when Frodo smiled and Pippin danced which caused Frodo to laugh and Sam and Merry to cheer even louder.

When Merry and Pippin left to bring back breakfast, or as Pippin said, “a royal feast”, Sam stayed behind with Frodo. “Aragorn has told me that he will be having the same ceremony as before, celebrating the destruction of the Ring,” Sam said. “I’m glad he is going to be doing that for you.”

Frodo looked at his friend and smiled faintly. “Why do I think you had something to do with it?”

Sam blushed. “You deserve it. He already was going to do it, I just agreed with him. He just wanted me to let you know it would take place when you were ready.”

Frodo looked away. “I wish he wouldn’t. I haven’t done anything more to deserve it this time than last time, less even.”

“How can you say that, dear?” Sam sounded actually puzzled and Frodo smiled again faintly, though Sam didn’t see it. “You are a hero,” he continued. “You carried the Ring for months and got it to the place where it could be destroyed. You did that twice. You’re even more of a hero this time, not less, because you knew what it had done to you the first time and you still did it.”

The smile faded. “You are much more heroic than I am, Sam. You never failed in your quest. I did. Twice.”

“All I did was walk beside you.”

 Frodo looked back at his friend in disbelief. “Just walk beside me! Dear Sam! You did so much more than that. I have repaid you cruelly, but that will change. I hope to somehow reward you for all you’ve done.”

“Just get better, dear. That’s all I want.”

Frodo looked at Sam for a long time and Sam looked back at him. “I want that, too, Sam,” he said.

That night, Sam opened the door to see if Frodo was sleeping after his ordeal, but was surprised to see that he wasn’t. He followed the sound of running water and found his brother scrubbing his hands with a sponge so vigorously that they were raw and bleeding. Blinking away sudden tears, Sam gently, wordlessly took the sponge from the elder hobbit’s hand.

Frodo looked up at him, looking very lost. “I don’t feel clean,” he said.

Sam’s heart broke a little more to hear the torment in his brother’s voice and see it reflected in the deep pools of Frodo’s eyes. “I think you are clean enough, dear,” he said quietly.

As though he would for a child, he ran Frodo’s hands under the water, rinsed them and very gently dried them, then guided him to sit on the edge of the bed. He went back to the privy to get some salve and clean cloths, crying silently, then wiping his tears before coming back to bind his brother’s bleeding hands.

Frodo looked up at him, much like a lost child. “Thank you, Sam,” he said, then got into bed then and looked at his beloved friend again. “Will you stay with me, please?” he asked. He sounded so young and vulnerable.

“Of course,” Sam said and gathered his brother into his arms.

Frodo held on tightly. “I’ve been in such dark places, Sam,” he said softly. “I would have gotten totally lost if you hadn’t been there. But your light was always there, guiding me, guarding me, even if at times I was walking away from it and it only lit my back. Yours and the Other’s. It was always there, I saw it shining out, ready to lead me out and bring me home.” He looked up into his beloved friend’s eyes. “I’m still in those dark places, Sam. I’m still so lost.”

Sam looked tenderly into his brother’s tortured face. “Then hold onto me and let me lead you out.”

Frodo tightened his embrace and leaned his head against his Sam’s chest. He fell asleep listening to that beloved heartbeat. Sam watched him tenderly, awed by the light that continued to shine from him, but now refracted and splintered as though through a prism. Or the pieces of a broken heart, the gardener thought and he leaned down and kissed that beloved head and tightened his embrace a little.

He was near to crying again when there was a knock at the door. He looked up to see Merry and Pippin poke their heads in. “How is he?” Merry whispered as they came in and watched Frodo sleep. Even resting, his features were still strained.

“Hurt,” Sam said with such pain that Merry looked away from his cousin and up at his friend.

“How are you?”

Sam wiped at his tears. “I’ll be better when he is.”

They approached the bedside. “What happened to his hands?” Pippin asked.

At this Sam’s tears broke free again and he cried silently. Merry touched his shoulder. “He will get better,” Merry said.

“Of course he will,” Pippin assured, though his cheer was forced and he wondered himself at the truth of his words.

Sam thanked him as Merry gave him a handkerchief to blow his nose. Pippin gave him his own hug around the shoulders, then they took up the same vigil for Frodo as they had at Rivendell after their friend had been stabbed.

“Why don’t you rest now, Sam?” Pippin said. “Merry and I will watch out for him.”

“I thank you, Mr Pippin,” the gardener said. “I am that tired.”

He collapsed on the bed next to his brother.

Pippin crawled in next to Frodo and gently smoothed out the strains on his face. Once he got them removed, he kissed his cousin on the head. Frodo smelled clean and fresh, his curls still a little like the scented rosewater it had been washed in. Pippin breathed it all in deeply. He wouldn’t have cared if Frodo had smelled like a orc corpse two days old. His cousin was back and alive! His heart surged at that joy even as it ached for all the pain. "Don’t worry, cousin," he said softly. "We will get you better."

A/N: Gandalf’s quote of “The measure of love...” is from St. Francis de Sales. “What lies behind you...” is adapted from Oliver Wendell Holmes. The wish for Frodo’s recovery as Gandalf watches his friend sleep is actually from a greeting card.