Chapter Two: The Party

You helped me so much, dear Sam, that night, determined that I enjoy myself and Merry and Pippin were even more determined, though ignorant of what trouble lay upon my heart. And actually I did enjoy myself or at least was distracted enough to not let the entire evening be ruined. Pippin was, of course, more than an handful. Merry stood by, just watching us with a satisfied smile on his face when he wasn’t eating and drinking all he could himself. And you were looking just as content.

I looked over at Bilbo often and sometimes saw him looking back at me. Was he wondering how he could leave me, as I have wondered many a time how I can possibly leave you or my cousins, so very dear to me? I tried to look happy for him, so he would not worry about me. I’ve tried to look happy for you three, so you wouldn’t worry about me either. I don’t think I have succeeded too well, but I must have done all right the night of the party because Bilbo still left. And I knew I had to let him go just as you three will have to let me go. Oh, I did selfishly wish he would be worried enough to want to stay, but I knew he wouldn’t be happy. He wanted to leave and I realize now, that was another thing that was, as Gandalf would say, meant to happen. I fear very much what would have happened to us and the Shire and the Ring had Bilbo not left.

But he did leave. He made his announcement and then just vanished. I should have left right then myself. In all the confusion, I wouldn’t have been missed or they would have assumed we had both left at the same time. I didn’t make it make home in time to see him off. Gandalf told me Uncle preferred it that way for another goodbye would have been a wrench to both of us, but still I wished I could have been there. Instead I mouthed my farewell to someone no longer there.

I’m leaving too, dearest Sam. I have to. That choice was made a long time ago. I just had to have the time to accept it. I won’t just disappear, but it will be just as suddenly and with as little warning as Bilbo gave me. I can’t bear to tell you any earlier and watch you suffer. I’d rather see you happy, and you have so much to be happy for, dear Elanor and Rose and all those lads and lasses I know will come to you. I know either way I will hurt you grievously, but know that the sword I will thrust into your heart is the same one I have already thrust into my own. There will be no loud crack or a ring that will make me invisible. I am already invisible, to myself at least. I am no longer who I was and I desperately desire to be so again. Desperate enough even to break your heart once again, dearest Sam. That is evidence alone that I am not myself. But in the breaking of both our hearts, it will also, I hope, prove the healing for both of us. So I will tell you and have you by my side until the very last moment. I could not bear to it any other way. I have to fight against my selfish desire to ask you to come with me. You would be allowed as you were a Ring-bearer yourself. But I will not ask. I will leave you to live your life here, where you belong, to have the life I always wanted, a wife and children. I hope though that you will come when you know it is time. I will be waiting for you. I hope my parting with you will be silent, with no words or tears, though I will be wailing inside. All the tears I wish to shed and have already shed would fill the Sea itself. Best that I don’t add anymore. But I hope you will speak to me so I can carry your voice with me.

* * *

How I always looked forward to that joint birthday party that was the highlight of the year in Hobbiton.  I looked forward to this year more than any other because it was your coming-of-age, but I worried about you too. You had excitedly told me for years all that you and Mr. Merry planned for it, but your cousin could see just as plain as plain that something was bothering you that night. I’m sure he was the one who deliberately made Mr. Pippin even more than his unusual bundle of non-stop energy just to give you something else to think about. I saw him hand that whirlwind more than one cup of lightly spiced juice all the children were getting, a special gift from Mr. Bilbo. All that sugar into one little lad! I don’t think I’ve seen anyone with such an appetite and so much energy! He had you running ragged, chattering without pausing to breathe, pushing food into your face when he wasn’t inhaling it himself, pulling at your hand and drawing you into dances and all such. I think the only time he was still was when he sat in your lap to watch the fireworks. The lasses were quite put out with all the dances you were doing with him instead of them! But you had time enough for them too when Mr. Merry finally dragged him away from you, having accomplished his purpose - to have you laughing and that is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard, especially when it’s not expected. Mr. Merry was looking that pleased with himself to hear it as well. And Mr. Bilbo too. We were all watching out for you. Mr. Bilbo especially was keeping a close eye on who you were dancing with, hoping that perhaps you would take a special fancy to one and start courting her. You are such a lovely dancer. Your light was shining especially bright. I think you forgot your sadness for a while. Oh, my dear, I hope you laugh long, loud and often where you are going. I will hear it one day again, I will. And not just in my memories.