Chapter Sixteen: Traveling

For days we traveled from Weathertop, closer to Rivendell, but still so far away. The pain continued to grow, but I would not speak of it. It was already bad enough that we were traveling slower than we would simply because of my wound. I wouldn’t risk traveling even slower if my pain was known. I had the easiest part actually, riding upon Bill, and so I had no right to complain when I could see how burdened you all were and how your legs ached so to be walking so long and far. The danger seemed far from us as we had not seen or heard anything in those days since I had been stabbed, but we knew it was not. I carried it inside me, I carried it against my chest. Night was the worst when we kept expecting an ambush at any moment, but none ever came. We all knew why. It was only a matter of time before I would come under the dominion of the dark power. I wondered why that would be like and held my fist in my mouth to keep from crying out in the fear of it. I didn’t have to wonder long. I had seen them. I would be like that one day. I feel like one even now as I write this, safe in the Shire, but apart from it at the same time. The dark power has been vanquished, but I still stand under its shadow. The sun, the warmth does not reach here. I am so cold and alone and I long to stand under the light again.

I steeled my will against what was happening to me inside as we traveled along. I thought to ask Strider to end it before I could hurt any of you, but I bit my tongue until it bled to keep that terrible request from passing my lips. I redoubled my will instead. You were all in danger because of me. I would go on, I wouldn’t succumb and betray all you were doing for me, to keep me safe and alive. I am still fighting and I am weary of it, so very weary. I need rest.

* * *

You didn’t say a thing about how much your wound hurt, but we could see how much you were suffering, how pale you were, how pinched your face was with pain, how you shivered, how white your knuckles were as you clutched onto Bill with your good hand. It broke our hearts, it did. But you remained strong and silent, erect on that pony and we made what progress we could. Strider would look up at you and we all saw that he was amazed at your strength and resilience. We were all so proud of you. Our love for you grew so much while we were on the Quest. I am still amazed at the ground we were able to cover even at that slower pace and how brave you were. The ground wasn’t always even and sometimes a gasp of pain would escape your lips and we would look at you and see the regret that you had let it be known that you were pain and how tightly pursed your lips became to not let it show again. Oh, dear, we are all that way, but hiding it is no good, especially when it’s us who you can’t anything from anyway. But we all pretended we didn’t notice because that was the way you wanted it. But how we wanted to comfort you!

I think night was the worst time and the best time for you, for all of us. You sighed in relief to be at rest and accepted what care we longed to give you, wrapping you in blankets to stop your shivering and warming you with the fire. We watched you sleep, so beloved, so beautiful, shining softly in the moonlight, and we knew all our tired, sore muscles and lack of proper food, water and rest was all worth it if it kept you safe. We slept beside you to comfort you and ourselves. There was not one night your hand was not held. You whimpered sometimes in your sleep and we wondered if it was the pain or nightmares. We stroked your cheek, told you it was all right, that we were with you and we wouldn’t let anything happen to you, but we knew it was far from all right, though our words would calm you and you would sleep again. Then we wept for you when we knew you couldn’t see or hear. We looked to Strider to try to conquer our worst fears for you. We well remembered those terrible words of his, that we may be left alone simply because they believed you would be in their power and they wouldn’t have to do anything but wait. He knew the questions that we couldn’t bring ourselves to utter, but that he saw in our eyes. He gripped our shoulders and told us not to abandon hope and we would repeat that to ourselves over and over again and what my Gaffer always said, where there’s life, there’s hope. We said that to you and ourselves so many times in Rivendell as we wanted for you to wake it’s a wonder we could still speak at the end. But that was days ahead and we knew we weren’t safe yet, though we hadn’t seen or heard anything for days since that fell cry and answer that chilled our blood and bones.

We worried about that without end, but we shouldn’t have. You were so strong through all this, so very strong, unbreakable, until the very end when the burden claimed you at last. You have been weak since then and I grieve everyday that I cannot make you strong again. There was something inside of you that hardened to get you to the mountain, then left you empty. I can see it in your eyes. I have always been able to see everything in your eyes. You wanted to hide it, but you couldn’t. Not from me. I think you were dying inside for a long time, long before the Fire, ever since that you held that terrible thing. I can only hope that you will learn to live again now for no one deserves peace and healing, strength and joy than you, my hero, who fought so hard to ensure we would all have it. You should have it too. Especially you.