Chapter Sixty-One: Chained

In the beginning, after we woke, I hated to be without you even one moment, because you were my light, my security. If I woke and you weren’t there, I would panic and nothing would calm me but seeing you again. Other times, I wished you weren’t, when I became aware that I still longed for what was gone.

I’m glad you weren’t there when Aragorn and Gandalf came to me with the chain and asked me what I wanted done with it. I stared it for the longest time, crusted with my blood, with your sacrifice and mine and strands of my hair and a few of yours tangled around it. It was then that I realized that it was part of me, just as much as that blood and hair was. That there was really nothing left of me, but that. So without a word, I took it and held it against my heart like it was a treasured family heirloom and then before you or Merry or Pippin could come back and see me, I buried it at the bottom of my pack. It was a comfort to know it was there and a torment. I carried it all the way home, so frightened one of you would find it and I wouldn’t be able to explain. But you never found it.

I wear Queen Arwen’s, a cold, white, beautiful gem against my chest. It reminds me that I am alive. The other chain, the one I dare not wear much as I long to, I keep buried deep in a drawer and even then I live in fear that you will find it one day and I will not be able to tell you why I must keep it with me. I only draw it out when I am sure you are sound asleep and won’t be coming in and then I stroke it as I used to the Ring. It reminds me that I am all but dead. I hate it with all my being, but I can’t part it with it. It’s all I have left of It. I would stroke it all night if you weren’t here. At times though I touch only the strands of your hair tangled within, entwined with mine and it reminds then not of pain and hateful longing, but tremendous love and how we are bound together, heart and soul. I owe you my life, my dearest Sam, and you continue to selflessly give of yourself each day and night to ease my torment. I treasure all of that and that’s another reason, if I needed another, that you will never see this part of the tale. You can’t know there is no remedy for my pain here, no matter how much we would will it to be so. Gandalf told me some wounds never truly heal. So it is with mine. I must still write though and hope to draw out some of the poison that way. Then I must burn all these notes before I leave. I wish I had the strength the burn the chain also.

I hate the idea of keeping it, like a bit of poison in the midst of our fair land that you worked so hard to re-construct, but I can’t part with it. I have tried. There have been times I was tired of keeping it a secret from you, tired of being afraid you would find it, but never could I do anything of the sort. If I couldn’t have the Ring, then I could still have the chain that held it.

I’m taking it with me for I cannot bear the thought that you will find it and wonder why I still had it. I won’t be here to tell you and I don’t think I could in any case. So it will remain with me. Perhaps I will find a way to throw it into the Sea if it would accept such a foul thing, but then it accepted the Ring once. Yes, I will throw it in and the blood will be cleansed from it and perhaps I will be too. I know I do not want it with me when we reach the West. But I will keep the strands of your hair. I do not think I could make them into a treasure like Gimli promised he would do with the Lady’s, but I will treasure them all the same.

* * *

In the beginning, after we woke, I hated to be without you even one moment. If I woke and you weren’t there, I would panic and nothing would calm me but seeing you again. Then it would be your turn to hold me, stroke my curls, kiss my head, sing to me, wipe my tears. It was extra tight I would hold you those nights for fear of losing you again. That’s what all of my nightmares have been about, that you’re gone and I can’t find you, either in the tower or at the Fire. I know you are safe now where you are and happier than ever before the Shadow fell and I know you can’t be lost again, but those times I did lose you still haunt my dreams. So stay now, dear, where I can see you and dream about seeing you again with something other than the Lady’s magic. There were few times I let you out of my sight before and I don’t intend to do so ever again. For even the times you were out of the sight of my eyes of my head to see, you were never out of sight of the eyes of my heart. I know how hard you tried to hide your pain from me, but you never could. I may not have understood all the why’s and wherefore’s but still there’s not much you can hide from your Sam.

I found something in one of your drawers one day that was just as surprising if I had come upon the Ring itself. The chain that had held it was there, still crusted with your blood and hair and I nearly cried out from the shock of seeing it there. I never did say anything about it, but as I wiped your tears away that night, I tried to understand what that terrible thing had done to you. I failed miserably, but leastways I knew it had hurt you far worse than I had imagined and when you had at last fallen asleep and let go my hand, I continued to stroke your curls and let go of my own tears. I wish I had had someone to talk to about it all, mayhap they could have told me how to help you better. But perhap it was only my job to love you enough to get you to the Fire and let others take over from there. That was I thought on the way to the Mountain - that it was my task to get you there, to even die with you. I hadn’t ever thought there would be any other to care for you, but that’s the right of it since you can’t get better than being taken care by Elves, though it’s still that hard sometimes that I’m not doing it. But one day I will be.

When I was going through your clothes after you left, obeying the wishes of your will, that they be given to needy hobbits, I noticed that the chain was missing. I wasn’t sure what to make of that, and my heart did cry a bit more, but now that I’ve seen you so bright and fair, I can’t believe you still have it with you. I don’t even see the Queen’s gem anymore so you must be healed indeed. Glory and trumpets, but that is a beautiful sight! Do you see me I wonder? Or Merry and Pippin and their families and all my lads and lasses? Do you see our Frodo wearing your favorite shirt and breeches - the ones that you were wearing when I first met you? I couldn’t part with those, I just couldn’t. And it’s his favorite outfit too. He’s quite proud of you, my love. Do you see the Shire blooming like never before? The mallorn tree blossoms better every year and you are right that it is the wonder of the neighborhood. I think you must know all this somehow because sometimes I feel you so close, hear a snatch of your laughter or feel your breath on the air. Sometimes I go out by your favorite tree and it seem to anyone else that I am merely hugging myself tight, but I don’t think I am.