Chapter Sixty-Nine: Hope

Translator’s Note: The queen provided the translation for the poem that appears here.

The trees grow tall beneath the sun,

In spring the world is fair.

In valleys green where rivers run,

I find no solace there.

The fields and mountains of this world,

They hold no peace for me.

I long to see the sails unfurled

And sail across the sea.

My time on earth is almost o’er,

My weary soul seeks rest.

I’ll soon depart this hither shore

And sail into the West.

Soon this world will lie behind,

The sea will lie before,

And peace and healing I hope to find

Upon that blissful shore.

You will come, won’t you, Sam? It will be far across the water and I know how you hate that, but I hope the love you have for me and I have for you, will give you the strength to board that ship and come to me. It is that hope that is giving me the strength to leave. I have to leave. If I have any hope of living, it is there in the West. I will build a home by the Sea so I can watch over that wide expanse and be the closest to you and Merry and Pippin and our beloved Shire. It will be a hobbit hole if such can be managed and as close to the shore as it can be made so it will be the first thing you see when you come and I the first person and you will feel right at home straightaway. I know you will be making great sacrifices to come, more than I am because you will be leaving behind so many children, but still I hope you will come. I will tell you that the way is open to you, so you will know you can come, but I will not beg you to do so, at least not with words. If I thought I could still what my heart will speak to you that you’ve always been able to hear, then I would do that too so your choice would be entirely free, but I know I will not be able to silence that voice. The decision will be yours, as it was mine, but if I didn’t have that hope of seeing you again, then I would not leave. It would be more than I could bear if I thought I would never see your cheerful, beautiful face again; your loving eyes; the kiss to my brow that you bless me with each night; the feel of your arms; and the soft sound of your voice and heart lulling me to sleep. I may be very old when we see each other next, but you will still tuck me in, won’t you?

I will treasure all of my memories of our love as we travel to the Havens and hold it all tight against my heart so none of it is ever lost. I hope I will be smiling at times for you so you can see that and it can perhap give your heart some ease, that even though we will soon be apart, you can remember how much joy and love I have for you and that you have given me all these many years. I don’t want you to have just tears and torment to remember. I hope that last night I can spend in your arms, tucked as always around your heart.

***

When we first came back home, Rose wondered why I had left you when things were still bad. I couldn’t answer and so went right back to you. I wish I hadn’t had to leave you as you sailed off either. The only way I could do that was that I knew you were going somewhere you could be happy and healed. I am that glad that the Lady spoke to me those nights on the way and tried to explain to me why you had to leave. You said that you had been too deeply hurt and she helped me understand how. I made sure I held you or your hand each of those nights, just so you’d know your Sam was still with you. I hope you have felt me hold you each night since then too when you have needed it or I have. I still wonder at times how you did it, how you were able to bear leaving. I stayed awake much of the night just so I could watch you, softly glowing in the moonlight, just like the Elves were. You could have been an Elven child among them, all wrapped up in your cloak and your face peeking out, so beautiful, so very, very beautiful. Your hand was warm in mine and our fingers were so entwined that it couldn’t be told which were yours and which were mine. When I couldn’t keep my eyes open a moment longer, I took you into my arms and settled down with you. You sought my heart and returned to your slumber, holding onto me. I kissed your head and slept myself.

I watch you still. It was that terrible in the beginning to jump out of bed when I heard your heart cry out and then realize that I couldn’t reach you. I still went to your bedroom even though I knew you weren’t there. I didn’t want Rose or Elanor to wake to hear my tears and there were many in the beginning and I shed most of them there. Then the Lady gave me her gift and I could see you but also tears that I couldn’t wipe no matter how much I wanted. I almost didn’t want to see you then but I watched and felt my heart break a little more that you were still so hurt. Rose would wipe my tears when I returned to bed and hold me and sing to me as I sang to you, until I could fall back asleep. I have not deserved such a double treasure of you two, but I have been so blessed and I couldn’t be happier. I continued to watch you and bit by bit the tears disappeared and your smile returned. I longed to touch that smile with my fingers and not just my heart. I will do that, my love, I will. I can’t wait.