It was a cloudy but warm afternoon. Merry kept a brisk pace as the two Hobbits headed out towards Bindbale Woods. They stopped briefly mid afternoon for a snack and for Sam to catch his breath. He was shocked at how out of shape he had become.  He barely had enough breath to talk as they moved across country. He contented himself with listening to the titbits of gossip that filtered through the haze of his exhaustion.  As the shadows lengthened he called out to Merry who had gone on ahead.

“Ho, Merry, I need to stop for a while; I’ll catch you up later!” he sat down and leaned his head on his knees.

Merry dropped back. “Come on, Lad, there’s a good spot for camping just up ahead… can you make it?”

“Ay. I’ll be there in a minute just let me catch my breath,” gasped Sam. Merry handed him a water bottle and went ahead to make camp and start a fire. By the time darkness had fallen the Hobbits had finished their supper and were enjoying a second mug of Ale. The moon was large in the clear night sky and the stars twinkled through the haze of the fire.

 Sam sat contemplating as he gazed into the fire, anticipating the lecture that he had been expecting all day. The silence lengthened. When Merry finally spoke the comment took Sam by surprise. 

“Why did you stop tending to your trees, Sam? I thought that growing things were important to you. The Lady’s gift gave you such pleasure and I know how much it meant to the Hobbits about here. We all saw you nurturing and tending the Party Tree when it was first planted… Why did you stop caring?”

It took Sam a few minutes to order his thoughts and begin to craft an answer that would convey to Merry his meaning.

“I never stopped caring…but….it got too painful… growing things that I couldn’t care for anymore…it was more than I could bear!”

“I don’t understand, Sam!”

“All my life I’ve loved the outdoors, even as a nipper I liked nothing better than helping my Da in the garden, getting my fingers dirty, growing things to eat or just for their beauty. That was my life; I was ‘Sam the Gardener’, happy to tend Bag End for the love of doing a good job and bringing pleasure to my Master. I didn’t need riches or clothes or a fine Burrow…my life was simple.” Sam was barely conscious of his companion as he spoke; it was as though he were finally vocalising thoughts that had been whirling in his head for months. “And then we went on that journey and left all certainty behind us; every thing that was safe and familiar.” Sam lapsed into silence.

“Go on, Sam?” whispered Merry.

“Do you remember what it was like in Rivendell? When I had time to notice after… well, after Elrond had done his healing…I thought I had woken up in a dream.  It wasn’t just the Elves, though they seemed magical and special to me, it was everything: everything was so vital, so full of life and energy. Then when we got to The Lady’s Wood it was the same… and yet even more so, if you get my meaning. It was as if all of my senses were somehow improved; colours were brighter, scents more intoxicating, my touch more sensitive. I could feel the life and vitality of the trees and flowers, I could almost see them growing before my eyes: they shone with health.

When we left Lorien that extra sensitivity seemed to stay with me. That’s why being in Mordor was so hateful! It wasn’t just that our task was hopeless or that the land was barren and fouled; I could feel the wrongness of it, it was like the evil was seeping out of the rocks and the air and trying to invade my senses… I could never block it out!” Sam got up and paced around the fire, his hands forced down into his pockets. Cutting off his memories abruptly, he continued. “When we got home I planted the trees and sprinkled the Lady’s Blessing far and wide and I could feel it again, the life and vitality of the earth and I was happy…”

“So what changed, Sam?” asked Merry gently.

“When I got back…back from…after we said goodbye…it was as though someone had turned out the light. The trees and flowers were still there; I could see their colours and even see their beauty but I could no longer feel it! It was like looking at nature through a dirty window… I knew the beauty was there but it was indistinct and remote…I couldn’t bear it…it was like someone had taken a precious gift away and handed me back a paper copy…it was safer to have nothing to do with it…”

“But you’re right, Sam! It is still there; the beauty and the life and the vitality. It’s not a dirty window that is blocking your senses…it is grief and unhappiness- can you not see that? Why are you so hard on yourself? There is no shame in grieving or in sharing your grief! You are not the only one who misses Frodo!”

Sam sat down and stared into the fire in silence. Merry decided to change tactics.

“I recon it’s time we had something to look forward to. It’s been a pretty miserable year so far, I think it’s time we revived an old Bag End tradition. What do you say, Sam?”

Sam feared he knew what was coming. “I’m not sure I get your meaning” he said tightly, turning onto his stomach and looking away into the dark shadows of the trees.

“Do I have to spell it out, Sam?”

“Please…don’t….I don’t want to…I can’t… not yet… please, Merry, don’t!” he said in desperation.

“Don’t what, Sam... Don’t talk about grief…don’t talk about Frodo? Don’t mention his name. Is that what you want, Sam? To pretend that it never happened…that he never existed!” Merry shouted, emotion taking over. “To pretend that none of it mattered, that we never loved him or he us!”

Sam buried his face in his hands. “Of course not” he whispered, “it’s just that…”

“Just what, Sam?” Merry grabbed Sam and pulled him up onto his knees, he held him so that he couldn’t look away. “Go on, Sam, say it…tell me what it is?” When Sam failed to answer he shook him and shouted “TELL ME!”

“I can’t… I don’t know how…it...it just hurts so bad… I just want it to go away…to go to sleep and never have to face another day of missing him…it hurts Merry…it hurts!”

Merry watched in horror as Sam sagged away from him, lost in the depths of a waking nightmare. He watched as Sam toppled to the ground and lay curled up in a rigid ball, his eyes pressed to his knees and his hands covering his ears. He could hear his breathing, rapid and gasping as he struggled for breath. He had never seen anyone so distressed and was unsure of what to do. Whatever reaction he had hoped to elicit from Sam this was not what he had expected. He pulled a blanket over him and placing one hand on his chest and the other on his forehead he attempted to comfort and reassure his stricken friend. Minutes seemed like hours but gradually Sam’s breathing settled and his consciousness returned. He relaxed slightly and pulled away, ashamed that Merry had witnessed his weakness.

“Leave me be” he croaked, trying to stand, trying to get away and hide his shame.

Merry was having none of it. “Oh no, Lad, there’ll be no more hiding. There has been too much of that all ready.” Sam struggled but Merry just held him more tightly. “Come on Sam, just let it go...you don’t have to pretend or hide anymore. I know how much you’re hurting…I know how much you loved him!” Sam stopped struggling and covered his face with his hands, great sobs wracked his frame and finally his tears fell, the first few unleashing the dam of his grief.  Merry held him close as he was overwhelmed by the tidal wave of suppressed emotion. Merry did nothing to halt his own tears…”It’s alright, Sam…he’s safe now…and he loved you so much…don’t hurt yourself any more!” Sam felt the hard knot in his chest loosen slightly as his tears flowed.

***

Much later in the night the two Hobbits lay side by side in the glow of the fire. They had spent many hours talking and remembering and sleep had eluded them. Sam had opened his heart in the safety of the darkness and they had spoken long about rebuilding the future.

As the sky lightened with the dawn Merry had a final request.  He sat up and put a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “Sam, I want you to do something for me!” He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out a letter. “I want you to read Frodo’s letter?”

Sam took it from his hand and turned it over. “This is the last thing he ever wrote to me; once I open this I’ll have nothing left, except memories.”

“Go on, Sam, there are things in there he wanted to say to you, to share with you…it’s important! Holding on to an unopened letter won’t bring him back!”

Sam slipped his finger under the seal and unfolded the parchment. He clutched Merry’s hand as he read.

***

My Dear Sam

When you open this letter you will be back safely in the arms of your dear family. I know that you will be sad, and that my going will leave a hole in your life and in your heart.

Forgive me, my dear Sam, that I was not able to discuss my plans with you or to take you into my confidence. This was not meant to cause you further distress. But I could not trust myself. I was afraid that you would urge me to stay. My fear, that you would succeed and that I would change my mind! It would have been the wrong decision for both of us, Sam.

I realised many months ago that I would not live out my life in the Shire. Too much has changed; I have changed. I left too much of myself in the depths of Mordor and even my beloved Shire cannot bring me the healing and relief that I seek.  The scars of my wounds run too deep.  I see now that the biggest scars are not physical but are burned within my soul.

When I left the shire, at the start of our quest, I set out in the hope of drawing the danger away from the Shire and the people that I loved. Even at that point I had said my farewells, knowing that Middle Earth held many dangers and that there was a chance I would not return. When we left Rivendell it became clear that in undertaking the Quest I would forfeit my life! And I accepted that, Sam, it seemed a price worth paying. My only regret was that I was leading you to share my fate.

But we succeeded, Sam, beyond all hope and expectation, and my heart rejoiced.

I did not realise them how deep the scars had run. I cannot stay and become a burden to you and dear Rosie; though I know it is a burden you would gladly shoulder. You have both cared for me so tenderly for these last few months. But Bag End should ring to the sounds of happy laughter and I no longer have that laughter in me

Sam, my destiny it not to live out my life in the Shire.  But I see for you a long and happy life; surrounded by a rapidly growing family and a community that will value your strength and good sense. You have grown, Sam, in ways that you could never have imagined. You left the Shire a humble and loyal gardener but you have returned as one who will lead and guide those around you and earn their love and respect.

You are a Hobbit of means now. I leave Bag End and all of my belongings to you, my true friend and heir. Enjoy them and think of me with love. Find comfort and joy in your Rosie, for I can see in her lovely face that you have found your true soul mate.  I envy you that happiness but no one deserves it more than you.

I also leave to you Bilbo’s journals. I have finished my part; I leave you to write the last chapters. Keep the stories alive, Sam. Do not let the tales of the past be forgotten; they are a warning for the future. Evil will never be totally driven away and with the passing of the Elves who else will protect Middle Earth?

Although I leave with great sadness I do not leave in despair. I believe that in the West I will find healing and a release from the darkness that still haunts me. I will be among friends and will treasure the remaining time I can spend with Bilbo.

So do not grieve for me Sam.  Remember me as I was in the carefree days of our youth. We did not realise then how precious those times were. Live your life to the full Sam, in honour of the trials we went through. Look to our companions when you need support or guidance.  Merry and Pippin will need you too, though they may not see it yet.

What more is there to say?

Words cannot convey to you all that is in my heart. You are the brother I never had. I could never have asked for a truer friend or a more loyal companion. I love you, Sam, and if at the end of your labours you too wish to take the journey to the West a ship will be waiting for you at the Grey Havens; The last of the ring bearers on a final big adventure.

I will not say goodbye.

For I know in my heart that we will be together again.

Farewell, my beloved friend.

Frodo.

Sam finished the letter through a veil of tears. He handed the letter to Merry. “He always knew me better than I knew myself” said Sam smiling sadly through his tears. Merry handed back the letter and rubbed his hands across his face.

“Goodbye Mr Frodo” whispered Sam to the last star in the lightening sky of the dawn.

***

“Now, Sam, about this celebration?”

“Look I know you mean well, Merry, but I have too much to take on right now! “I have to win back Rosie, if it’s not too late. Though why she should ever forgive me I don’t know. I’ve hurt her so bad…I’ve made such a mess of thing and I love her so much…”

“And she loves you, you daft beggar” said Merry with a chuckle “You just have to talk to her and share with her…no more silences or secrets…! Now, how about if I organise the party and leave you free to woo the beautiful Rosie, does that sound like a sound plan? When we get back we’ll get Pippin and maybe Marigold to help us get Bag End into shape before you ask Rosie and Elanor to come home; it will be a fresh start for you all.

It took six days of hard work to get Bag End fit to welcome back Rosie. Merry, Pippin and Sam worked hard in the garden, digging, weeding and pruning until even Sam was satisfied. They then turned their attention to the interior. Marigold helped with the spring cleaning, polishing furniture and windows until they gleamed.  Merry helped Sam to pack away the last of Frodo’s possessions into cedar-wood chests to be stored. A new child sized bed was set in pride of place and complimented by a small table and chair. Marigold raided her Mothers blanket chest and produced a brightly coloured patchwork quilt. It was fashioned from scraps of cloth and each square was decorated with embroidered and appliquéd pictures of flowers and animals. It was also embroidered with names of all of the children who had slept within its comfort.

New sunshine yellow curtains at the window had been sent over by Mistress Cotton. Marigold restocked the larder and spent a morning baking and preparing enough food to keep the small family fed for days.

When all was ready Merry and Pippin set of in the wagon to fetch Rosie and Elanor home. They returned as the stars emerged in the night sky. Merry helped Rosie down and carried her bags as far as the door. “Alright, Lass, this is where we leave you. We will see to the ponies. Now you go and sort out that daft lad…!” Merry gave her a hug and kissed her fore head. “See you soon Rosie” he said nudging her gently into the hall.

“Thank you, Merry” she called softly as he set off down the path.

“Come on, Pippin, I think we deserve a pint or two, don’t you?”

*******

*TBC*

A/N  Frodo’s letter to Sam was first posted on fanfiction.net in April 2003 under the title ‘Remembrance’ and was the inspiration for this story.