As I stretched out on the doctor’s couch, I gave a deep sigh. I know in my heart that this session will do little, if any, good. I am a hopeless case and all of the well-intentioned therapy in the world cannot cure me. What I have goes beyond obsession, beyond madness, in short, I am beyond any help that might be obtained from medical science. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is no cure for the strange malady that infects me and yet, here I am grasping at the thin straws of hope. Perhaps this doctor, who comes so highly recommended, will be the one!

Doctor: “Tell me about your week.”

Me: “I worked a great deal. I wrote a bit. I read some wonderful stories. It was the same as most of my weeks are.”

Doctor: “You say you wrote a bit?”

Me: (regretting my words) “A little bit. Nothing important.”

Doctor: (raises eyebrows slightly and sucks on the end of his pencil) “Nothing important?”

Me: “Not really. Just a short, one-chapter story. You wouldn’t like it.”

Doctor: “Something original?”

Me: “Well…”

Doctor: “Come on, I suspect that you want to tell me about it.”

Me: “Well, it isn’t all original.”

Doctor: “Original characters?”

Me: “Well, no, not really original.”

Doctor: (frowning) “Are you stealing from Tolkien again?”

Me: “It isn’t exactly stealing.”

Doctor: “Then you’ve managed the impossible and secured his permission somehow?”

Me: “The man is dead! You cannot get permission from a dead man.”

Doctor: “His estate then? Perhaps that relative of his that is suing several people? You spoke with him and he-“

Me; (interrupting) “No. I don’t have permission from anyone, ok? I hope you’re happy!”

Doctor: “Your continued interest in using the characters of another author can hardly make me happy. But let us concentrate on you. That’s why we’re here. How do you feel about your writing?”

Me: (shrugs a bit as best I can while lying on a couch) “It could be better. It could be a bit more-“

Doctor: “Original?”

Me: (sitting up) “I was going to say that it could be a bit more serious! I know it isn’t original! We’ve cover that already!”

Doctor: “Pornographic?”

Me: (trying to look innocent) “What are you implying?”

Doctor: “I’m merely asking because you have lapsed into rather lewd writing in the past.”

Me: “It’s perfectly acceptable for all ages. There is nothing pornographic about it!”

Doctor: “No improper acts?”

Me: “If you ask me, and I believe that you just did, you are too concerned with improper acts and such! Maybe we should examine your motives here for a second.”

Doctor: (pretending to write something on his note pad) “This is your session. We are dealing with your problems.” (clears his throat) “Now, you’ve admitted that the characters in this story are not original and you are claiming that this story is, I believe your words were, perfectly acceptable for all ages? So, is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”

Me: “No, I don’t think so.”

Doctor: “Are you certain? There isn’t anything else?”

Me: (standing now as if to leave) “Fine! I hope this makes you happy! The entire story is based on the writings of J.R.R. Tolkien! None of the characters in the story are mine! All of them were created by Tolkien! Happy now?”

Doctor: (raises eyebrow again) “Are you planning on attempting to profit from this?”

Me: (looking completely shocked now) “Of course not! Who do you take me for? I am not planning on making one, thin, dime on any of my writing! How could you sit there and imply such a thing?”

Doctor: (clears throat) “Just my attempt to keep you honest and to make you see exactly what you are doing with your life.”

Me: (throws hands up and rolls eyes.) “Fine! I am wasting my life! I am writing stories that will never make me rich or famous and I am using another author’s characters! I am not doing anything important with my life. There! Are you happy now?”

Doctor: “I just want you to think about your life.”

Me: “And I pay you for that?” (moving toward the door now feeling worse than when I got here) “I’ve had enough honesty for one day. I’m leaving.”

Doctor; “Did you at least have someone read over it for mistakes, this so-called writing of yours? Is it beta’d?”

Me: “Not exactly.”

Doctor: ‘Either it is or it isn’t.”

Me: “No! It was not beta’d. It is probably riddled with mistakes. Every other word in it is probably spelled wrong and the whole thing would probably make a literature major cry for hours on end. I am just posting it like I wrote it!”

Doctor: (sighs) “If you really think that’s wise.”

Me: “My beta is on vacation! Both of them are and so I am going to post this just like it is and if no one reads it then so be it! If people do read it then they can find the mistakes and point them out. It’s fun for them. It’s like those children’s books where you look for Waldo! Instead of ‘Where’s Waldo’ this is ‘What’s spelled wrong’. People love doing that sort of thing.”

Doctor: “I don’t. I prefer that the stories I read are original and that they have been corrected.”

Me: “Then don’t read it! If you, or anyone else, are expecting this to have been checked for mistakes then don’t read it because it hasn’t been. There! You’ve been warned. I’m leaving now.”

Doctor: “Then I can assume that you are over your obsession?”

Me: (stops just short of the door) “What obsession is that?”

Doctor: “You have given up this fixation that you have with sheep?”

Me: (groans, coughs, hurries to the door) “Yeah, no sheep. None at all. Seriously. I’m over that. I don’t think about sheep ever.”

Doctor: “You’re evading again!”

I slam the door and hurry to the elevator. As I told the insufferable, meddling, old twit before. I have had all of the honesty that I can take for one day! I am going home and post my story and there isn’t anything that he can do about it! If anyone reads then I’ll thank them for it and if they don’t then no one was hurt by any of this.

GW 07/16/2008