Chapter 11: What matters

Galithil watched the long, stiff hairs of his horse's mane slap against its sleek neck as they trotted along. He was vaguely aware of the fact that the forest buzzed bright and green around him--a sign that they were very near home. His only outward response to that change was to allow the hand holding his bow to fall limply to his side, his fingers curled just enough to keep it from slipping to the ground. Every so often, the arms of the bow nudged against his horse's rear leg or shoulder, causing the animal to skitter forward a few steps in surprise. Galithil did not bother correct the horse's pace. They were in the center of a tight group of warriors and guards responsible for escorting the King and his family home. The horse could not pull too far out of line, so it did not matter. Nothing mattered. Not the cheerful hum of the healthy trees, nor the worried expressions of Dolgailon, Legolas and aunt Lindomiel as they glanced at him surreptitiously, nor the punishment that he imagined uncle Thranduil was contemplating for he and Legolas as they rode. Nothing mattered.

Galithil was so smothered in the gloom of despondency that, when his horse tossed its head gratefully and broke into a canter out of the forest and onto the Green, he had to clutch the mane he had been staring at to prevent himself from falling. The horse followed its mates past the barn and straight to the bridge that spanned the river and led into the stronghold. While the horse seemed resentful of the extra few steps added to its journey home, Galithil was perfectly pleased to not have to traverse the distance between the barn and the stronghold. The Green was full of elves milling about, awaiting news upon the King's return. The last thing Galithil wanted to do at the moment was face crowds of people.

When they stopped near the bridge, Galithil slid from the horse's back and murmured his thanks to the stablehand that came forward to lead it to the barn. Galithil turned immediately towards the refuge of the stronghold, anxious to seclude himself in his family's quarters. Until it suddenly occurred to him how empty they would be. Worse, a glance inside the Great Gates revealed daernaneth Dieneryn and uncle Engwe waiting for uncle Thranduil. Galithil tried to hide a grimace. He had not thought about his grandmother. She was leaning on Engwe's arm and, even from across the river, her eyes betrayed the pain she felt. As comforting as the thought of retreating into the stronghold had been seconds before, Galithil now had no desire to go inside.

Galithil watched as aunt Lindomiel and Legolas's grandfather quickly strode across the bridge to embrace Dieneryn. At the same time, uncle Hallion emerged from the stronghold. Galithil expected him to greet uncle Thranduil, but instead he approached Legolas, who was standing near his father.

"I am so very sorry for not listening to you, Legolas," Hallion said, taking Legolas by surprise when he grasped both his shoulders. "You have never been anything but completely trustworthy. I should have taken you more seriously when you told me that Galithil had left the stronghold and I am more sorry than I can express to you that I did not. Please forgive me."

Galithil closed his eyes, not certain he could bear the reminder of how untrustworthy he was, in contrast to his younger cousin, on top of all the other grief he carried at the moment.

There was a moment of silence before Legolas responded in a very quiet voice. "It is not your fault, uncle Hallion. There is nothing to forgive."

Hallion pulled Legolas against him, reaching for Galithil and drawing him into the embrace as well. "You went all the way to the villages? Where the battles were? You could have been killed and if you had been, it would have been my fault for not listening to you. For not keeping a better eye on you. I would have never been able to forgive myself."

Galithil struggled not to squirm as he looked over Hallion's shoulder to see if uncle Thranduil was ready to go into the stronghold. No place seemed like a good place to be at the moment, but at least inside the stronghold, no one would be staring at him as so many of the elves on the Green were doing. Thranduil was frowning slightly while also looking at the people on the Green. Some had begun to call questions to him.

Galithil buried his face against uncle Hallion's shoulder when he realized the cause of uncle Thranduil's slightly annoyed and uncertain expression. Normally when Thranduil returned to the stronghold from some journey, unless the situation was very dire and required the King's personal attention, Aradunnon stayed outside to speak to the crowds while Thranduil went in and met immediately with Hallion. This was still another reminder of Aradunnon's absence, and one that had clearly caught the King off guard and, therefore, disturbed him.

"I will speak to them, if you wish, my lord," Dolgailon said, from Thranduil's other side. Without waiting for Thranduil's response, Dolgailon, accompanied by his wife who had rushed from the stronghold to greet him, walked amongst the people on the Green.

An odd mixture of gratefulness and regret clouded uncle Thranduil's face for a moment as he watched his oldest nephew manage the elves on the Green.  Dolgailon's back was straight and his expression solemn but patient as he fielded questions. Someone asked if it were true that the troop commander had been killed. Dolgailon answered the question smoothly and his only reaction was to grasp Arthiel's hand as he did. Galithil felt a sob rise in his throat and he viciously swallowed it.

A hand fell on his shoulder. Galithil looked behind him. It was uncle Thranduil.

Hallion was looking at the King with deep regret. "I am so sorry, my lord," he whispered. "Both about lord Aradunnon and because I failed to keep Legolas and Galithil safe."

Galithil was beginning to feel a little sick. It never occurred to him that uncle Thranduil might be angry at Hallion for his escape from the stronghold.

But Thranduil only shook his head and gestured with his free hand towards the bridge. "I do not blame you, Hallion. Help me speak to Naneth. Then we have a good deal to talk about."

Hallion nodded and walked with the King towards the Gates. Hand still on his shoulder, Thranduil guided Galithil alongside him and waved for Legolas to follow. But Legolas did not follow. Looking over his shoulder, Galithil immediately saw why. Maidhien, Brethil, Berior, Eirienil and Aewen had finally managed to find their way through the crowd of citizens and guards and warriors. They were sidling their way towards Legolas and Galithil. Galithil sighed. He did not want to talk, even to his friends, at the moment. But, Eirienil clearly thought Thranduil's signal to also applied to her--as well she might, since she did live in the stronghold too--so she rushed towards Legolas and Galithil. The other children followed after her, up the steps onto the bridge.

Galithil relaxed slightly when Maidhien planted herself firmly on his right side, took his hand, squeezed it, and demanded nothing more of him.

*~*~*

"I cannot believe you did that!" Eirienil said as the door to Legolas's room closed behind her.

Legolas did not reply. Instead, he walked towards his washroom, wishing Eirienil would take Aewen and Maidhien and leave. He wondered if he had the nerve to strip down for a bath regardless of the ellyth's presence and whether they would take the hint if he began to do so.

"Do you have any idea how difficult uncle Hallion has been to live with since you and Galithil disappeared?" she continued, following Legolas into the washroom. "He sent warriors...well, Fifth Years, out looking for me yesterday just because I came home five minutes late from Aewen's cottage."

Berior and Brethil tagged along behind Eirienil. Legolas could almost feel their bright-eyed gaze. "Did you see any orcs?" Brethil asked, before Eirienil had finished speaking.

"Because hearing about that would make putting up with Hallion's insanely strict supervision for the last few days more tolerable," Berior added.

Legolas openly flinched at the question about orcs and he turned around to see how Galithil had taken that reference. Fortunately, Galithil had not followed him into his room. He must have gone to his own, Legolas thought, envying his cousin a bit. Apparently only Maidhien had followed Galithil and Legolas had everyone else gathered around him. He sighed. That was just as well. Galithil seemed to have tolerated about all he could by the time they reached the stronghold. Legolas would not begrudge him a little peace. He would not, however, hesitate to let Berior and Brethil know that the topic of orcs and anything else they had seen in Selwon's village was right out of bounds. To his surprise, Aewen beat him to it.

"Be quiet," Aewen whispered vehemently, stepping between Legolas and Brethil and Berior. "Neither Legolas nor Galithil are going to want to talk about orcs. Just leave them alone about it."

Berior scowled. "Why would Legolas not want to talk about orcs if he has seen them?" he asked, trying to sidestep her.

"Because he saw one kill lord Aradunnon," Aewen whispered in a very low voice.

That statement made Legolas very grateful that Galithil had not followed him. "How did you know that?" he asked.

Aewen turned to him with a pitying expression that made him look down quickly. "Lord Engwe and lord Hallion called my Adar into the stronghold to tell him. Adar took a leave from his duties, he is so upset over it."

Legolas bit his lip. Aewen's father and Aradunnon had been best friends for as long as Legolas could remember. And Dollion was the captain of the guard in the capital. If he had requested a leave from duty--and been granted it--'upset' must be an understatement.

"I am really sorry about it, Legolas. Lord Aradunnon was always a great deal of fun and I will miss him," Aewen said quietly.

Legolas only nodded.

"Legolas, is it true that you were wounded?" Berior asked. His tone was somewhat less excited, given Aewen's sharp reprimand. At least now he seemed to be trying to restrain his enthusiasm. "Eirienil said that when she was copying for Engwe, she read in one of the reports that you were on the list with the warriors treated for injuries in Selwon's village. Were you actually wounded?"

Legolas sighed, dreading the response this answer was going to elicit. "Yes, I was."

"No! Really?!" Berior and Brethil exclaimed in unison. "Where? Show us!"

Legolas frowned and unconsciously pulled at the hem of his tunic. Show them. That was the last thing he wanted to do. Eirienil and Aewen at least seemed to notice his discomfort.

"Come on," Eirienil said, taking Aewen's hand. "Legolas obviously wants to be left alone to take a bath."

Aewen nodded. "You should rest," she said to him. "Maybe we will see you tomorrow." She paused and then added, "if you are not in too much trouble," in a quieter voice.

Legolas appreciated the effort Eirienil and Aewen were making to get him out of discussing his injury, but it was obvious Berior and Brethil were having none of it. Berior was agreeing the ellyth should go, but only so that the ellyn could talk privately and have a good look at Legolas's wound. Brethil was offering to go get his Orthor pieces, so Legolas could show them how the battle went using them.

Legolas sighed and yanked open the bottom two buttons of his tunic, pulling it and the shirt underneath up enough to reveal the bandage over his ribs. Then he hooked his thumb under the bandage and held it aside so Brethil and Berior could see the puckered, red gash, still stitched closed, that the orc's arrow had made. The sight of it made Brethil and Berior fall silent as they stared at it.

"Why hasn't it healed more than that, Legolas? It happened several days ago, I thought." Berior finally asked in a much more subdued voice than he had been using to discuss the Orthor pieces.

"Because the orc's arrow was poisoned," Legolas said, letting the bandage and his clothes fall back in place.

"But it will heal better than that, right?" Brethil asked.

Legolas nodded. "Eventually."

"Amazing," Berior said admiringly, still looking at Legolas's side.

"No, it is not amazing," Legolas said, finally losing his temper. "There is nothing amazing about cowering in a tree behind a warrior who is prepared to give his life for yours, while you cannot even manage to hit a target ten feet away from you to defend yourself."

Berior and Brethil blinked. "Why could you not fight too?" Brethil asked, looking him up and down. "That wound could not have hurt so much that you could not draw your bow."

"And where did you get that knife?!" Berior added, pointing with excitement to the long knife Thranduil had, as yet, failed to confiscate from Legolas.

"I stole it from the King," Legolas replied, glaring at Berior. Then he turned to Brethil. "And, no, I did not even notice this wound. That was not the problem. Can you hunt from the trees yet? I have not been taught to shoot from the trees, and everything was happening so fast, I could not figure out how to draw or aim from that angle, so I could not return the orcs' attack. Tulus almost died trying to protect Galithil and I. I still do not know if he will live. They took him from the village the morning after the battle."

"He will live, Legolas," Aewen said softly. "Colloth too. I went to the infirmary with my naneth to help the day the wounded were brought home. I heard Nestoreth talking to Tulus's son and to Colloth's sister saying that they would recover."

Legolas released a long breath and nodded his thanks to her.

"Maybe we can practice shooting from the trees," Brethil suggested, again in a very subdued voice in response to Legolas's open irritation. He gingerly placed a hand on Legolas's shoulder and patted it a few times. "I bet we could figure out how to do it and then we could practice."

Legolas closed his eyes and tried to compose himself.  Berior and Brethil were only behaving exactly as he would have been if one of them had the opportunity to see an orc. "I am sorry," he almost whispered. "It is just that none of this--orcs and battles and weapons and all that--seems very exciting after you have actually seen it. It is really just...terrifying. And tragic." He opened his eyes and looked at his cousins. "I really do not want to talk about it," he said when no one spoke.

The other children nodded and Legolas relaxed somewhat.

"Do you suppose you might leave him alone to have his bath now?" Eirienil asked, looking at Berior and Brethil sternly.

Berior rolled his eyes and moved to stalk out of the washroom. "We will wait for you in your bedroom, Legolas," he said.

Legolas cast a grateful look at Eirienil and Aewen as they followed the ellyn from the room.

*~*~*

Galithil sat on his bed listening to the silence in his family's suite. Dolgailon and Arthiel still had not come in from the Green. Uncle Thranduil and Hallion had accompanied him to the family quarters, told him to get some rest and left him with Maidhien. They were probably in the King's office now. Maidhien sat with him for a while after Thranduil left. Then she had patted his shoulder and slipped quietly from the room. Galithil frowned. Being alone was just as bad, if not worse, as being cooped up with everyone in Selwon's small cottage.

He hopped off his bed and walked to the main door of the suite, thinking he might go to Legolas's room or the family sitting room. When he opened the door and stepped into the hallway, he stopped. He could hear Berior and Brethil speaking animatedly in Legolas's room across the hall. Down the hall in the family sitting room, he heard Lindomiel speaking softly with Dieneryn. He stepped back into his family's suite and closed the door.

He turned, leaned against the door and looked at the room. Next to the chair where his mother normally sat was the shirt she had been sewing for Dolgailon before she went south with Lindomiel. On the table next to where his father normally sat was a strategy game, Tûr, that Aradunnon had been playing with Dolgailon. One of Aradunnon's worn cloaks was thrown over the back of the chair. Galithil walked over and climbed into the chair, tucking his legs under him and pulling the cloak about himself. He closed his eyes. The cloak still held the foresty, horsey smells that Galithil associated with his father.

Galithil wiped the back of his hand across his eyes and picked up one of the game pieces, trying to distract himself. This was never a game he had learned to like, though his father had taught it to him. Galithil preferred Orthor, but he found himself studying the board, trying to imagine where the game might have led, just for something to do. He jumped when the door from the hallway opened without warning. Galithil quickly put the piece back down, feeling as if he had disturbed something Dolgailon and his father had shared and not wanting his brother to see that he had. But it was not Dolgailon entering the room. It was Maidhien, with a tray of sweets.

"You went down to the kitchen and stole cakes? By yourself? I can barely convince you to go with me," Galithil asked as she settled the tray next to the game board without disturbing any of the pieces.

Maidhien shook her head as she selected one of her favorite berry treats from the tray and settled on the arm of the chair next to Galithil. "I did not steal. I would not steal from your kitchen. I asked the cooks if I could have something for you and they told me to take whatever I wanted."

Galithil studied Maidhien for a moment before standing and shoving her properly into the chair--she never voluntarily accepted his attempts to treat ellyth the way his father and brother insisted he treat Eirienil and Aewen. For some reason, he actually wanted to treat Maidhien that way, even if he had to make her accept his chivalry. He picked up one of the cakes out of respect for her efforts and perched on the arm of the chair himself. "I still cannot believe you went to the kitchen by yourself," he said quietly. "Thank you."

Maidhien only nodded. She watched him silently, which obligated him to eat the entire cake he had taken from the tray. And when he was done, she handed him a little meat pie.

Galithil found himself frowning so he would not smile. "Will you go down to the cellar and fetch up some wine too?" he joked. "I prefer the Dorwinion that uncle Thranduil favors."

Maidhien looked up at him sidelong. "I went to the kitchen, but I am not going anywhere near Galion's cellar. It is too scary down there and he is mean. Get your own wine, and pray lord Thranduil does not catch you if you really intend to steal the Dorwinion vintage."

Galithil shook his head and took a bite of the meat pie. It was good. "I do not think I will be stealing from uncle Thranduil's wine cellar any time soon," he said softly. "I was only teasing you. I appreciate you going to the kitchen."

"It is the least I could do," Maidhien whispered, now looking down at her lap. "After all, it is my fault that you and Legolas ended up in the southern villages."

Galithil froze with the pie halfway to his mouth and stared at Maidhien. How could she possibly know that he had gone south to spy on Dannenion and figure out why she could not be part of his family? Legolas could not have told her. He did not know that was the reason himself until after the battle and he could not have had the time to tell her since they returned to the stronghold. Even if he had the time, Legolas surely would not betray such an important confidence. And no one but Legolas knew. Then a horrible thought occurred to Galithil--if his feelings had been obvious enough to his father to inspire him to say something, maybe they were obvious to her too! Galithil felt his heart race. He was barely willing to admit to himself that he cared for her. He was definitely not ready to admit it to her.

"How do you work that out?" he finally asked when she said nothing more and refused to look at him.

"Well," Maidhien said, and her voice sounded simply miserable, "if I had never shown you that cave, you would have never found that passage way. And without that passage way, you would have never been able to follow my brother, because you would never have gotten out of the stronghold with your bow because you were not supposed to be carrying it and the guards knew it. And if you could not get out without your bow, you would not have been able to go."

Galithil released the breath he was holding forcefully. "Maidhien that is the silliest thing I have ever heard in my life. You are not to blame for me making a stupid decision to follow your brother's stupid example. This is entirely my fault. You have nothing to do with it."

Maidhien looked up at him again with wide, guilty eyes. "But you did use the passage to get out with your bow, right?"

Reluctantly, Galithil nodded.

"And you would not have gone without your bow, right?" she continued.

"But I could have easily taken a bow from the practice weapons shed, which is what I intended to do if someone was in the sitting room when I planned to leave," Galithil answered. "It is my fault, Maidhien."

She looked at him skeptically and handed him a piece of bread with honey on it from the tray.

She was obviously worried about him. She definitely cared for him. And Galithil trusted her. He took the bread, looking at her closely. There was something he really needed to tell someone, and Maidhien might be the only person he could tell.

"Do I have honey on my chin?" she asked, wiping her hand across her mouth.

Galithil shook his head and leaned closer to her. "If I tell you something...something really bad, you will not tell anyone...or hate me for it, will you?" he whispered in a rush.

Maidhien frowned. "You are the best friend I have, Galithil. I cannot imagine what you could tell me that could make me hate you. And you know I would never tell your secrets."

"It is my fault Adar is dead," he whispered, watching her reaction carefully. When her face filled with disbelief, he nodded. "It is true. Adar saw Legolas and I in the tree with Tulus. Tulus was trying to get us into one of the telain to safety. Adar tried to get to us and he did not see the orc that attacked him because he was looking at the ones around me and Legolas. If I had not been there, he would not be dead."

Maidhien's brows drew together sharply and she tossed the bread in her hand back on the tray. Then she knelt in the chair so she could put her arms around Galithil's neck. Galithil accepted her embrace gratefully. He had needed to tell someone about how his father had died--someone who would be sympathetic--before he had to tell uncle Thranduil or Dolgailon that he was the reason his father was dead.

"Galithil," Maidhien whispered after holding him for a moment. "It is not your fault that an orc..."

"It is my fault," Galithil interrupted forcefully. "If I had not been there..."

"If the orc had not been there, it could not have killed your adar. And the orc had no business being there. The orc has no business even existing. It is not your fault."

"But if I had not been there..."

"Stop saying that," Maidhien said, pulling away from him. "If Anastor had not put the stupid idea in your head to begin with...if Legolas or I had gone to your adar or brother as we should have and told them your stupid plan...if I had stayed by the river like I wanted to and watched for you to stop you...if your adar had paid better attention..."

"It is not adar's fault that he died," Galithil interrupted.

"Well you said he was looking at the orcs around you and not the ones around him. Even I know that was not right. It seems to me that someone with as much battle experience as your adar should know better than that. It sounds as if he panicked when he saw you and made a mistake."

"Because he saw me..."

"Still, he should know better..."

"It is not adar's fault..."

"Well I do not think it is yours either. And I do not think it will help you if you keep thinking that it is your fault. What is certain is that your adar was ready to sacrifice anything, even himself or the village, to help you. So you owe him more than to collapse in guilt."

"I have not collapsed in guilt."

"But you will if you keep thinking that way. I would. Anyone would." Maidhien paused and took a deep breath. Then she continued in a calmer voice. "If you really think that your adar sacrificed himself for you, than you owe it to him to try to become what he would want you to become, not what guilt will wear you down to be."

Galithil said nothing to that.

"And I do not, nor will I ever, believe his death is your fault, so I will not stop trying to make you stop thinking that," she added, picking up the honeyed bread again.

"Would you still be my friend even if it was my fault?" Galithil found himself whispering.

Maidhien reached and pulled Galithil next to her so that they were practically in one another's laps in the too-small chair. Then she looked at him levelly. "I will always be your friend, Galithil. Always. No matter what."

He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him. "Thank you, Maidhien," he whispered.

*~*~*

Galithil stood stiffly on the Green, dressed in the robes that his mother had made for him to wear when he attended the King in court. Thranduil stood to one side of him. Legolas stood on his father's other side, between Thranduil and Lindomiel. Galithil's other cousins and family were gathered around them. Much to Galithil's surprise, Thranduil said absolutely nothing when Maidhien rushed forward from the crowd to stand next to Galithil. His uncle only smiled down at her sadly and laid a hand on her shoulder briefly. Somewhere in the grief that threatened to drown Galithil, the memory of his father's voice saying that uncle Thranduil could never accept Maidhien into the family surfaced, and he wondered what his uncle would say to him when he finally asked for an explanation why Galithil had gone south. He imagined that if uncle Thranduil knew Galithil's intentions towards Maidhien, he would not feel so generous about her standing with the family now.

"We are gathered tonight under the stars to honor the sacrifice of Eryn Galen's warriors," Thranduil began, his voice slightly more rough than it normally was.

Galithil drew a deep breath and braced himself to hear his father's name called as Thranduil continued the ceremony. Next to him, Maidhien edged a little closer to him. Uncle Thranduil had suggested before they left the stronghold that neither Galithil nor Legolas need attend the memorial if they thought it would be too difficult. But Galithil had been thinking about what Maidhien had said that he owed to his father, so he was determined to honor his father properly now with his presence at the memorial.

Maidhien was right, Galithil thought as Thranduil spoke about how the warriors' sacrifices had ensured the salvation of numerous lives. He would try to be like those warriors. He would make the decisions that served Eryn Galen, rather than his own desires, as his father had admonished him to do when they spoke about going south. Honoring what was essentially his father's last advice to him was the absolute least he could do, especially since his failure to respect that request had been the cause of his father's death.

Putting Eryn Galen first would not be so bad. It might even be good. After all, if he did, people might start taking him seriously, as they did Legolas. Everyone--from Hallion, who saw Legolas as 'trustworthy,' to the guards, who practically regarded Legolas as a miniature Thranduil--respected Legolas. And Galithil could not deny that was deserved. As much as he liked to tease Legolas, he knew his cousin was more honest than he was.

'I will try to make the sort of decisions that Legolas would make,' Galithil vowed to himself, glancing at his cousin.

A movement in his peripheral vision made Galithil's gaze drift over to Dolgailon. His brother stood with Dollion, captain of the guard in the capital, Morillion, captain of the Path Guard and the four captains of the border patrols. All the captains of the warriors in Eryn Galen had managed to make it to the capital to represent their warriors in honoring the Troop Commander. Galithil almost stared at his brother as Dolgailon took his turn and stepped forward to speak with a strong voice. Galithil knew he would not be able to manage a squeak at the moment. He could not imagine how Dolgailon could actually recite memories of their father in front of all these people. But Dolgailon had spoken to the citizenry on the Green as well. And he had remained true to his duty, commanding the warriors in the south and even assuming some of the troop commander's responsibilities until the King arrived in Selwon's village. Dolgailon had even had the presence of mind to kill the orc that killed their father, keep Galithil safe and maintain command of the battle and ensure its victory immediately after watching their father die.

The measure of a good warrior is how well he controls his fear and does what must be done, Aradunnon had said when Galithil told him his hands had shook while fighting the spiders.

'Ada would definitely be proud of Dolgailon,' Galithil thought. "I will try to be just like him."

Remembering all that Dolgailon had done, Galithil thought about how he had felt all day long--as if nothing still mattered. Eryn Galen still mattered, he realized. Dolgailon certainly showed that he understood that and Galithil would too.

Dolgailon glanced over at his younger brother as he stepped back amongst the other captains. Galithil forced a brave smile onto to his face in praise of his brother's courage. Dolgailon reciprocated with the same sort of smile.

*~*~*
AN: This is the conclusion of Journeys in Mirkwood. The next story will take place immediately after this one, and deal further with the aftermath of this story.
*~*~*
Adar/ada -- Father/dad
Naneth/nana -- Mother/mum
Elleth/ellyth -- Female elf/elves
Ellon/ellyn -- Male elf/elves
Talan/telain --flet/flets (house(s) in the trees that the Elves lived in)
Eryn Galen -- Greenwood (the original name of Mirkwood--I can't see Thranduil referring to his realm as Mirkwood.)