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| Shadow by fael bain | 1 Review(s) |
|---|---|
| miruvour | Reviewed Chapter: 7 on 11/30/2003 |
| oook. This whole . . . "Master" business is a little freaky. I would have thought that after being friends, the two would mutually use each others' first names. I am also slightly disturbed by it, but that's just me. #2 - Tolkien's style is not in making people talk like Yoda! (I love your story, but I can't get into the serious aspect of it b/c the conversation is making me imagine Legolas' servant with green skin and huge ears! - I'm laughing, not what you want me to be doing when the tone of the story is dark!) #3 - There are a few ways to slow things down a bit. You're keeping it full of action, and suspese, but there are points where the description is more along the lines of listing what a place/person/etc looks like rather than telling - for example, when you described the dark creature/thing's death you said, "A trickle of blood on it's mouth", as a sentence, or something along that effect. The imagery is good, but it's slapped in the reader's face rather than revealed to the reader's senses. A way to fix this would be to say "A trickle of blood slowly trailed from the side of it's mouth". There are several places where simply adding a pronoun & verb could help the writing immensely. - I hope I haven't been to harsh - I'm trying to employ the constructive criticism so often turned upon myself, and hope I have suceeded. I know this sounds dumb, but I'm really not flaming or trying to be mean - and in that light, don't get discouraged in any way. Your storyline is fresh, for I haven't come across many people who write about the reaction of the royal family as shadow begins to creep into the forest - mostly, it's along the lines of battling what's already there. You show a lot of promise, just - please, PLEASE stop making people talk like Yoda! It's okay, & in Tolkien (all hail! all hail!) style to put your verbs at the beginning of the sentence. (and please stop the whole "Master" business, b/c even though he's a prince, that's just .. . . creepy.) Author Reply: Thanks for your review, miruvour, it's definitely not a flame, don't worry, I've seen what *real* flames are like! ;) I have to say that although you make some really good points, it's not really very possible for me now, having written 30+ chapters, to change everything, because that would require a major rewrite/overhaul of the story, which has been posted in quite a few places, which I simply don't have the time to do, but I shall bear your words in mind for whatever I next write! Also, i ahve to admit that I went completely overboard and insane with the making the Elves talk in a different way, but I was definitely NOT thinking of Yoda when I did it, although I see how people can interpret it as such, you will find that it (hopefully) gets a lot better as the story goes on..same too with the writing structure/style.. Have to say, however, that I have to disagree with your views regarding Esendri's addressing as he probably means 'Master' as a title rather than a purely servant-and-master sense..it's like 'Mister' to a certain sense, or perhaps maybe even in the starwars 'Master Windu' way as well! =) But thanks again for the feedback, I really thought it helped! xx | |