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| Forsake Not the Future by Lindorien | 11 Review(s) |
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| Werecat | Reviewed Chapter: 2 on 3/16/2004 |
| I liked the first format better. These songs are *drinking* songs, right? A slight slip in the meter should be excused, if not considered a necessary trait. Author Reply: I like the first format better. the meter is the same regardless. The lilt is required because the tune slows between the carry and tarry lines and I think the first format reflects that better. | |
| Werecat | Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 3/16/2004 |
| I'm hardly a poet, so I do not think I can say anything costructive. But I did like that one, because it had an uplifting rhythm in it. I suppose that's the purpose of the drinking songs, hehe. Author Reply: Thanks Werecat! Drinking songs are supposed to be uplifting, but I hear this in my head as rather sad and somber. Its the END of the evening drinking song. The one that's sung when the crowds have gone home and everybody is lifting a glass to their dead buddies. But looking at it. It could have a much more upbeat rhythm to it. It all has to do with the tune and the attitude at the time,doesn't it? Thanks for reading. | |
| EomerofEastfold | Reviewed Chapter: 2 on 3/11/2004 |
| Being completely hopeless when it comes to poetry, I have no idea which is actually supposed to be better. They sound nearlly identical to me. *Sheepish grin* As far as how it sounds, I believe it to be particularly Gondorian in it's make-up. Memories are sacred to the Rohirrim, who have no written history, so any songs would focus greatly on the honor and deeds of the fallen, rather than suggesting to move on. Not sure if that makes much sense, I've only been awake a half hour. And, please forgive me for this, but it sounds more a song sung for children than a drinking song. But then again, I'm not to be trusted on this because I haven't exactly heard a great deal of drinking songs. *Looks around nervously* Perhaps I should just stop and say that I liked it in any case. Author Reply: They are identical. It has more to do with how the lilt is felt. I lean towards the first version, I think. Your comments make perfect sense. This is a sad drinking song. So many are funny. But late at night, especially on the anniversary of a sad day, I can see a bunch of soldiers gathering to mourn quietly together those that have gone and remind themselves why they fought. And I agree, its possibly the sort of thing a soldier might sing to the children of a fallen comrade who were present at such proceedings. I'm glad you liked it, Eomer. Thanks for reading. | |
| Nilmandra | Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 3/6/2004 |
| This fits for any day and age - this immediately brought to my mind all the babies who lost or never knew fathers as they went off to Europe or the pacific theater - and I could also see those women of Gondor as they jostled babies and watched their husbands ride to their deaths on the Pelennor and the Black Gates. I also like how the future and past are interwoven - the fathers provided the future for those children, who now provide the future. Circle of life stuff. I am impressed you can do this - my rhyming sounds like Dr. Seuss at best. Author Reply: Or the Women of Rohan as the men rode off to Gondor. The women of Dale as their men defended during the War of the Rings. The wives of Elves as they went to battle Sauron at the end of the Second Age. Vietnam, the Civil War, Korea, Somalia - does it matter? The results are the same. I admit to crying when I wrote this. Thank you for your thoughtful words. Lindorien I can skit Dr. Seuss also. Unfortunately, my latest I cannot post to this board. But perhaps I'll do a second version or choose a completely different story. You know - it is funny, when I was skitting Dr. Seuss, I learned that there's a lot more to his rhyming than I thought, sudden changes in meter and rhythm, which, no doubt, contributes to his popularity. He was also something of a rebel. Consider the one about the war over whether one should butter the bread on the top or on the bottom, I forget the title. Or the one about all the trees being cut down. Oh dear - I am off on a tangent. No surprises there. | |
| Sphinx | Reviewed Chapter: 2 on 3/6/2004 |
| I tend to agree with you. The flow of the lines, as well as the special impact that the penultimate and last line of every para, is somewhat lost. Author Reply: Then the first one is the format I should submit to the Nobel committee? They are so picky, picky about things. Its to the point that I can barely stand to speak with them in the phone. dear dear - I don't want to lose the impact of the penultimate and ultimate lines. | |
| Kitt of Lindon | Reviewed Chapter: 2 on 3/6/2004 |
| Argh! I cannot decide which I like better. The first seems a bit more bittersweet in that layout. The second flows off the tongue a bit better. Well, that is all I can give opinion on, for like I said, I am no poet. Author Reply: Oh dear oh dear - I need to make a decision - the Nobel committee will need to know the final format! bittersweet is what I am looking for though. Lindorien | |
| Acacea | Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 3/6/2004 |
| Well, i liked:) Can't help you decide on a version though. I did think at first that the second sounded better, then I went back and read the first. I am so not a poet. It does have a nice beat though in both versions. I'm not much help, am i?:( anyway, I liekd very much. Author Reply: I've been picking out a tune for it. Maybe I'll just go be a Rock and Roll star instead of an author. I am leaning towards the first format. But I shall leave both up because indecision is my middle name. You are always a great help, Acacea. It is why we hang out together. hugs, Lindorien | |
| purrlin | Reviewed Chapter: 2 on 3/5/2004 |
| Actually do like the meter better this way. Only problem is the third last line It doesnt seem to flow that well Maybe if you changed the words around a bit Things would be better. Maybe 'would they' instead of 'they would' Might make it a bit easier. Anyway I love it! purrlin :) Author Reply: I'm glad you are liking it. I about blew my coke over the screen over your comment about that third tot he last line - or second to the last line if I go with the first format. I cannot tell you how many times I swtiched from 'they would' to 'would they'. One looked better read, the other looked better sung, the other looked better read out loud. I realized the problem is that line has one syllable to many. So I made it a contraction -- they'd. Now if I could just make a decision about the format. Thanks for reading and for helping out. Lindorien | |
| Kitt of Lindon | Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 3/5/2004 |
| I am no poet nor any of the sort, so I really can't give any advice on it. But I like its form, and certainly I'll be humming it tomorrow. Author Reply: Then you can hear a tune with this one? I almost can myself and should probably spend a few minutes at the piano, picking out a melody. I'm halfway there anyway I think. Thanks so much for taking a look at this Kitt. I appreciate it. Lindorien | |
| Pipfan | Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 3/5/2004 |
| Hi! I loved this poem, it was so beautiful. However, if you broke most of the lines apart, like this: Here's to the lassies And all of their laddies Here's to the babes Left alone in their arms It would make it flow a bit smoother. Just a suggestion, though, and I absultely love the words Hugs Author Reply: Hi Pipfan. I am redoing the format as you suggest and putting it in as a second chapter. Perhaps people could let me know which works better. I just realized that my summary is in the same meter and could likewise be formatted either way. A big reason I formatted it the say I did is because it is a song and I wanted the reader to feel that sad slowing between the line about 'carry' and the line about 'tarry' before the bittersweet last line. I do worry that doing it in the format you suggest, that pacing may not be perceived. However, I am going to put it up there and perhaps people can let me know what they think. Thanks so much for reviewing. I really appreciate it. Lindorien | |