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|A Battle of a Different Kind by Katzilla||1 Review(s)|
|Dayna||Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 1/3/2005|
|Wow. Kat that was AWESOME! And from a non-native English speaker, too! Wonderful job!|
I do have some suggestions for words/verbage, since you "asked" for help in that area... :)
Éomer’s shout silenced the cheering with the abruptness of a muteness charm.
Are you trying to say that he cast a spell of muteness on them by the power of being the Marshal? It took me a couple of readings to understand it fully. That may have just been me, however; see if anyone else is 'confused' by it before making changes. :)
"Defend, Éowyn. Not attack. I know how badly you want to ride with us, but it will never happen."
"Not as long as you are going to be their marshal, brother, is it?" Frustration and fury mingled in her eyes. "You will see to it that I will never get the chance!"
I would drop the 'is it?' at the end of Eowyn's reply.
...Because they were too courteous to hit the king’s niece?" The pain in her blue eyes as she swung her sword toward him![/i]
Maybe this: "Oh the pain in her blue eyes..." Otherwise the sentence is a fragment.
[i]"You misunderstand me, sister! I did not say that you were not skilled with the sword. Yet against a determined opponent of greater strength and build, you would stand no chance in battle, and that is why you won’t be riding out with us!" Keeping their swords interlocked between them, Éomer fought to lower his voice to what he hoped would reach Éowyn as soothing, understanding words of common sense. He failed spectacularly.
I LOVE the simplicity and power of those last 3 words Kat! Just love it! My suggestion here would be to intermix the visual description with the spoken words, maybe like this:
Keeping their swords interlocked between them, Éomer fought to lower his voice to soothe Eowyn. "You misunderstand me, sister! I did not say that you were not skilled with the sword. Yet against a determined opponent of greater strength and build, you would stand no chance in battle, and that is why you won’t be riding out with us!" He hoped to speak words of understanding, of common sense. He failed spectacularly.
If you want to keep it as it is, then you would need to change verbage here: Éomer fought to lower his voice .... and make it: Eomer had lowered his voice... .
Those are my humble suggestions. LOVE the story! Keep up the good work!
Author Reply: Hi Dayna! Sorry I'm replying so late, but your constructive review was nevertheless much valued. As soon as my days aren't as packed anymore, I'm going to make the changes you suggested. Thanks a lot for letting me know your thoughts!