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Flying with the Swans by Avon	7 Review(s)
mistry89	Reviewed Chapter: Author's Notes on 4/11/2004
For such a little thing to pack such a punch! The childish ritual, the distant pov that mirror's Legolas's own distant (under the table/removed by years) view, the fact that he is mute throughout - yet it is his story. Thranduil ... and a feather for Aragorn. sigh On another note, I think 2nd person works well here (see above) and I understand that it is hard to pull off, but I think you you did it. As to the "fragments masquerading as sentences", the last part works for me - "Not .." all negative things (he's not feeling chirpy), a slightly choppy feel (short breaths through the mouth - crying/on the verge of tears), young children use shorter sentences (and he's reverted for that final one) - it feels right on several levels to me, enough so I had to re-read in order to take your point, so it feel natural to read. So, um, I liked it.

rgbj	Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 3/25/2004
To children ritual and routine are sacrosant. This failure to perform a ritual farewell is going to haunt Legolas until he sees his naneth again in Valinor. Perhaps even beyond that until he heals. So much of fanfiction kills off Legolas' mother or sends her West. I find it hard to know where that comes from but I enjoy reading the angst that surrounds it. This was beautifully written. Chilling because we realize early on exactly what has happened here and Legolas doesn't and then when he does it is heartbreaking. Wishing he didn't know what those words meant. You then went veering of into a later time and I presume the pack is Aragorn's. Legolas would always have a problem with people leaving and worry about them coming back. He would want to use the ritual to do what little he could to make it happen. When one has a traumatic event in their youth sometimes a part of them just stays that age and the feather would represent that. You must be into angst here. I enjoy it to a degree and look forward to reading more of your work. Author Reply: [i]So much of fanfiction kills off Legolas' mother or sends her West. I find it hard to know where that comes from but I enjoy reading the angst that surrounds it.[/i] Oh well, she isn't obviously there so there's lots of freedom to play, I guess. [i]You then went veering of into a later time and I presume the pack is Aragorn's. Legolas would always have a problem with people leaving and worry about them coming back. He would want to use the ritual to do what little he could to make it happen. When one has a traumatic event in their youth sometimes a part of them just stays that age and the feather would represent that. [/i] Erm, yes. Goodness only knows when that scen is supposed to be though ;-) I probably should be tough enough to remove this but I'm not. [i]You must be into angst here. I enjoy it to a degree and look forward to reading more of your work. [/i] Yep, definitely - even though I still tend to call it wallow from my fanzine SF days ;-) Thank you very much for the feedback and the kind words. Cheers, Avon

Fadesintothewest	Reviewed Chapter: Author's Notes on 9/19/2003
Well I for one loved this piece. Don't mind the sentence fragments at all. They didn't bother me, I actually enjoy writing that is not so grammatically perfect b/c then it doesn't sound like natural story telling. We don't speak so grammatically correct after all. It wasn't too soppy for me. Poor little Legolas, the swan feather, that was too tragic. Author Reply: Thank you for the feedback - don't want to sound too much like Gollum slobbering on the Ring but I loves it ;-) I'm usually very anti-sentence fragments (those and missing commas being my two most common niggles when doing feedback) but I just couldn't find any other way of putting it, and this is almost conversation - and as you say we do use them all the time in RL conversations. Cheers, Avon

LKK	Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 9/19/2003
Nice vignette, Avon. I liked how Legolas' childhood memories of his mother and swans lead to the present day inclusion of a swan's feather on top of (I'm assuming) Aragorn's pack. A very interesting writing style. I think it works in the second-person voice. In fact, I think first person would rob the story of some of its emotional allure. The first-person voice would have required an adult understanding that should have been beyond young Legolas. A third-person voice wouldn't have been too impersonal for the moment. At least, that's how I see the story, at any rate. No matter why you chose the second-person or what you hoped to convey, in the end, I think you have written a lovely little story. LKK Author Reply: Thanks, LKK. I liked how Legolas' childhood memories of his mother and swans lead to the present day inclusion of a swan's feather on top of (I'm assuming) Aragorn's pack. Yes, I'm assuming that too ;-) No, seriously, it is meant to be Aragorn - it's just that I don't have any clear idea of when this might have happened. Thanks for the comments about the use of second person; I'm still havering back and forth on whether it works or not. ;-) Avon

Samwisegirl12	Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 9/17/2003
oops! my bad! There aren't any incomplete sentences! All it was was my brain shutting down. mutters I have to get the battery in my brain recharged. Sorry, Avon! -SWG

Nilmandra	Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 9/16/2003
Ok, you just ripped out my heart and stomped on it. Writing first person is very difficult, but you have done a good job of showing us this scene through Legolas' eyes - so that we felt it with him, for the most part, and were not too detached from it, as often happens when someone is telling us of an event - vs living the event. I think it is his gasps for air that get me - he likely didn't think they heard him, but I suddenly was his brother and those guards, and how awful they must feel - for him but also for the way he learned of her death. And, of course, as I always do with your vignettes, I want to write around this - what happened next, the aftermath, how Legolas overcame his guilt, how his father and brother made it through this. Very nicely done. Author Reply: grin Sorry, I don't seem to be able to do fun and cute - heart-stomping does seem to be more my style; somewhat of an inconvenience when I wish to write birthday fics ;-) I think it is his gasps for air that get me - he likely didn't think they heard him, but I suddenly was his brother and those guards, and how awful they must feel - for him but also for the way he learned of her death. That's interesting - thank you. I love specific feedback which tells me what exactly worked for someone. Lired gets to me too - I see him as having to be grown-up far too soon. And, of course, as I always do with your vignettes, I want to write around this - what happened next, the aftermath, how Legolas overcame his guilt, how his father and brother made it through this. :-) Honestly I did used to write longer stuff - in other fandoms. This was written to a word limit, it's true, but pretty much all my LOTR stuff is verra short and I'm not quite sure why. When you say that I think 'yeah, that would be interesting story to read' - but I'm not sure I want to or can write it. Certainly I'd need to change it out of second person... unless I rotated viewpoints... hmmm.... Thanks a lot, Avon

Samwisegirl12	Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 9/16/2003
Nice job, Avon! It's cute! Poor little elf! (It was Legolas, right?) Even though some of the sentences seemed uncomplete, the person talking was young. Maybe that's how they would talk at that age. Once again, good job. Author Reply: Thanks for the feedback, Samwisegirl. Yep, it certainly was Legolas - there's another Elf? ;-) (Not serious - I also like a few Half-Elves and one Elven king ;-)) If you had a moment would you mind pointing out which sentences seemed incomplete so I can work on them? Thanks, Avon

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