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| Useless Heroes, Uselesser Villains by Virtuella | 30 Review(s) |
|---|---|
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 7 on 7/7/2025 |
| You say ‘actually’ way too often, Gandalf,” Theoden pointed out. “That’s not actually true, Theoden, I only actually – oh.” “Never mind,” butted in Aragorn in a valiant attempt to save the wizard’s face. “This is actua– this is my Seeing Stone, what with me being King of Gondor and all, so hand it over, will you?” “Of course, of course,” muttered Gandalf, only marginally flustered. Not wanting to blow my own trumpet,” said Aragorn after dinner, while Legolas passed round the little chocolates wrapped in gold foil, “but I did an extremely clever thing this afternoon. I revealed myself to Sauron in the palantír and challenged him to a telepathic tussle. Now he knows there’s a king in Gondor again, which will make him attack Minas Tirith instantly and thus draw his forces away from Mordor and from Frodo. Am I a strategic genius or what?” “Isn’t that going to be a bit unpleasant for the poor people of Minas Tirith, though?” asked Theoden. “Nah, they have me to defend them now,” replied Aragorn with a regal shrug. “But you are three hundred miles away from Minas Tirith.” “So I am, rats. You wouldn’t happen to know of any shortcut?” “Oh, that reminds me,” piped up Elladan. “Dad says to tell you that there is a brilliant shortcut, but I’m supposed to be really ominous and portentous about it, so here goes…” “Isn’t that exactly the same distance?” asked Aragorn after the shortcut was explained. “Probably, but it gives you a chance to be all kingy and destiny-ridden.” “Okay then.” … Yes, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt by now, it’s this: The only way useless heroes can win is if the villains are even uselesser.” “More useless, precious, more useless,” muttered Gollum. … Also Shadowfax! heehee. And Faramir… | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 6 on 7/7/2025 |
| Ah, Théoden, Gandalf, and Saruman leaving the palentír where he did. And did I mention I liked how the guys in Mordor said “They’re taking the Hobbit’s to Isengard!”? And the guys assuming Pippin has the Ring. | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 5 on 7/7/2025 |
| Aragorn is…stupid here. especially on the river. That Rohan conversation was pretty good. | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 4 on 7/7/2025 |
| Celeborn is crazy. And yet, he was actually right. Feanor watches possibly no longer jealous, amazed, and possibly awed. | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 3 on 7/7/2025 |
| haha *snort snort* Boromir’s…attitude. For lack of a better word. Strange that some of those reasons and answers actually make sense. | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 2 on 7/7/2025 |
| Boromir! haha! But what in the world happened to Elrond? | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 7/7/2025 |
| This is torcher (is that how you spell it?), but also hilarious. | |
| Lady Forlong | Reviewed Chapter: 7 on 7/5/2025 |
| "hippie queen’s psychedelic lala land" LOL "Any friend of the wizard whose stupidity got my brother killed is a friend of mine…” double LOL So that’s where the title of the story comes from. And Gollum, of course, is the one to correct the grammar, precious. | |
| Lindelea | Reviewed Chapter: 7 on 7/5/2025 |
| Forgetting to put out the fire... is that something like leaving home without checking to see if you turned off the stove? Is Frodo in the habit of watching old movies on the sly, I wonder? Perhaps he does so late at night when insomnia comes to call. It seems to me that the Mouth of Sauron might benefit from sending out resumes on the sly to find better employment where his skill set would be better appreciated. So Sauron was the moving force behind Brexit? I'm not at all surprised. Hah. Someone who reviewed a recent chapter of mine mentioned how handy the invention of the telegraph might be in response to my mention of "a marvel of modern communication". I wonder if their reading this chapter sparked that suggestion, or if it is simply a matter of coincidence or serendipity? Shadowfax has grand ambitions, it seems... (and is "butting in" in the next section a coincidence, speaking of coincidences, or was it a deliberate pun? Shades of Gimli shouting cheerily, "Nobody panic! It was deliberate!") Somehow the Witch King's little pep talk before setting out brings to mind the minstrels' song in Monty Python and the Holy Grail about "Brave Sir Robin" (oddly enough, the song is easy to find in a web search for "lyrics to brave sir robin"). And Gollum as a stickler for grammar? Will wonders never cease? I seem to be full of questions tonight. (I would have been in bed an hour ago, but people are still shooting off very loud fireworks all around us, so there's really no point.) | |
| shirebound | Reviewed Chapter: 7 on 7/4/2025 |
| And the fun continues. Even Shadowfax has an agenda of his own! | |