Somewhere in Moria

Dark images crept into his mind of being consumed whole by the big age-old gnarled tree as he twisted roughly about, trying to free himself from the firm grips of the hard wood that grasped him. His legs and arms were caught by the furious willow tree, and he could not move. Fear of suffocation combined with worry for his younger cousin filled his mind. “I’m being swallowed whole, can’t breathe… "
"I can’t…"
A smell of smoke filled his nostrils, and he didn’t know whether he was struggling from the tight grips of the willow or suffocating from the acrid smell …
“Put it out, put it out,” he heard himself screaming as water started to seep into the burning tree…

Firm hands held onto him as Merry struggled against them, but when he opened his eyes, it was not a dream anymore. The concerned look on Gandalf’s face stared straight at him.

Merry blinked back tears as he realized that it had been just another horrible nightmare, yet it had seemed so real. He found out that he was drenched with sweat, and he was still breathing hard. He couldn’t look at Gandalf at that moment for memories of being entrapped within Old Man Willow did not seem to want to cease. Especially ever since they had started their somber trek down in the dark, suffocating mine of Moria, he couldn’t stop the on-going thoughts of that dark time while he was in the firm grip of the angry Old Man Willow. He shuddered at the recollection, with his hands in his face, trying to dispel all the vivid images that had crowded his mind.

“Meriadoc Brandybuck, you indeed gave me a scare when you started thrashing and tossing about like that in your sleep. Now what is the matter? What adventure had you so utterly panicked and traumatized? Will you speak of it?” Gandalf asked kindly and put a hand on Merry’s shaking shoulder.

Merry sat up and looked around and was glad that his nightmare had not caused him to wake the other members of the Fellowship. His fright of Old Man Willow was not only because of the tangible fear of death at that moment, but for also the possibility that Pippin might have been killed too. If Frodo and Sam had not found Tom Bombadil, he did not know what might have happened.

It was his responsibility, his idea to try to go through the Old Forest. Frodo had insisted upon an unexpected route, but he was the one who had agreed and had decided to lead them. What if Old Man Willow had trapped Frodo and Sam as well?

Tears fell freely down Merry’s down-turned face, yet he still sat in silence. The energy to confess his fears to Gandalf could not come. Gandalf looked at him with pity and continued to put his hand upon Merry’s shoulder.

Gandalf looked sympathetically at the frightened and upset hobbit, and wished he could do more to soothe him. He tried to once again pry the hobbit to speak of his fears. Softly he spoke, “Now what is troubling you, dear hobbit?”

Gandalf greatly respected Merry and Pippin’s resolve to go with Frodo on his Quest, and could visibly see the importance of their friendship during the Quest, which has indeed been an important thing to have in this Fellowship. With an already diverse group of peoples of Middle-Earth, Gandalf was glad that Elrond acquiesced to having the four hobbits go together; a sense of camaraderie already existent. The constant light-hearted chatter of the hobbits amidst the already existing tension seemed to help the spirits of all the members of the Fellowship.

Merry shook his head slowly. “Sorry for alarming you Gandalf, but I do not wish to talk about it at this moment. Yes, I had a horrible nightmare, but perhaps it will not come again,” said Merry. He forced a smile to enforce the idea to Gandalf that he would be all right.

“Now, I know Bagginses are a stubborn folk, but Brandybucks as well? This cannot be something that should be thought of as unimportant if it bothers you so. Hobbits are resilient and hardy folk, but they need care and comfort too. Very well, Meriadoc… I hope you will not have any more nightmares, or I will have to insist upon you telling me how I can help. You should know that keeping your feelings to yourself isn’t always the best solution. Try to get some sleep. We do not want a tired hobbit trying to keep up tomorrow.” Gandalf gave a small squeeze to Merry’s shoulder, still eying the hobbit curiously.

“Thanks Gandalf. I will let you know if I need anything. Seriously, I have silly nightmares at times, and it really shouldn’t be a burden for anyone but me,” replied Merry.

“Very well Meriadoc, have it your way. But as I said, I am here if you need to talk,” and with that last comment, Gandalf reluctantly strolled towards another direction to leave Merry alone with his thoughts.

Merry looked on as Gandalf sat on the farther corner of the cave. Gandalf was right, but fear still seized him and he seemed unable to communicate his sense of guilt and anxiety.

Sleep did not come to Merry. He was reluctant to close his eyes again after the terror seeming to be enclosed within the willow again. He constantly thought about how his foolishness had led his friends to danger. They had been lucky, yes, but what if … what if.

What if he and Pippin had not been so lucky? What if the Old Man Willow got Frodo and Sam? What if Bombadil had not come? It would have been his fault for certain and these thoughts of guilt made him as miserable as ever.

Merry could not sleep with these lingering thoughts, so he decided to eat some food in his pack to help pass the time while the Fellowship slept. Additionally, it would keep him calm and quiet without disturbing others. He gingerly and quietly tiptoed to his pack and quickly returned to his bedroll and started munching softly on his carrot sticks. He was glad that Gandalf was sitting towards the farther corner of the cavernous hall they chose to rest in that night, so that he was not paying attention to him.

“Merry?”

Frodo’s voice sounded besides him in such a concerned manner that Merry stopped munching on his carrot sticks and met Frodo’s worried gaze.

“Frodo,” said Merry casually, “why aren’t you asleep?”

“I thought I heard raised voices and…” Frodo looked into Merry’s eyes and detected fear almost immediately. “I wanted to see how you are doing. Are you unable to sleep this night? Moria is indeed not the very place to be if a person wants a good night sleep,” said Frodo wryly.

Merry wanted to pour out all his feelings right then but didn’t know how to start. He felt so wretched with feelings of guilt and fear persistent in his mind. He didn’t expect anyone to understand or for anyone to help him out of his despair.

Frodo put his hand on Merry’s shoulder and said softly, “Are you having nightmares, Merry? You must talk to me, for bottling up frightening thoughts within you is not a healthy thing to do. You can trust me. I want to help you.” Frodo’s eyes conveyed the utmost concern and caring.

Merry fidgeted and glanced anxiously from the carrot sticks to Frodo’s questioning eyes, and then chose to look at his own hands. “Old Man Willow,” muttered Merry with a shudder and said no more for a while. Then he continued with much hesitancy. “Somehow… this darkness makes me dream… about it …again. It’s so horrible, feeling yourself being crushed, thinking that you’re going to die any moment,” whispered Merry, shakily holding onto Frodo’s hand. Tears formed in his eyes as shivers ran down his spine.

“That was quite a frightening experience for all of us, not to mention poor Pippin. Are your nightmares really vivid?”

“This darkness in Moria sure does not help in forgetting about it... and Frodo, most importantly, I feel so sorry for bringing about danger to all of us in the Old Forest. It had been my plan to lead you, but all I did was lead you into danger,” and with that comment, Merry’s tears fell freely from his already tears-filled eyes.

Frodo gave Merry a big hug and said, “It was not your fault that we got lost in the Old Forest and definitely not your fault that we encountered that brutal Old Man Willow. Silly Brandybuck, please don’t feel guilty about what had happened! It was not your fault for our being lost and being attacked by the Old Man Willow. That should be the least of what’s on your mind. It had been my idea to lead us into another unexpected direction. No one could have foreseen living trees to attack us. If we wanted to discuss whose fault it was, you could say that it was mine. But I choose not to think of that unfortunate incident to be any of our faults because speaking of faults do not help anything.”

Merry did not say anything.

Frodo continued, “Remember the incident in Weathertop? That was my fault as well but what good was it for me to dwell upon it? Naught; for it only lessened my resistance to the already pervasive evil that existed within the wound.” Frodo paused as he allowed these ideas to sink into Merry’s head.

“Besides, that horrific experience is not one that is worth thinking about. I’m so sorry that you’re having such nightmares, dear cousin,“ said Frodo hugging Merry even closer.

“I know, but still… poor Pippin… what if…?”

“Pippin seems to be more all right than you at the moment,” said Frodo glancing at the snoring Pippin who lay near Sam. “Don’t feel guilty about what happened. We’ll surely be out of Moria soon, and perhaps your nightmares will cease then. But in the meantime, don’t think guilty thoughts about this little adventure we had. We all made it to Rivendell, and that’s what was important. If you still do think about it, then please don’t linger with those feelings alone.”

“My dear hobbit, you shan’t become as reclusive as Frodo here by not telling others what bothers you,” said Gandalf as he strode over to the two hobbits sitting closely together.

“Gandalf…” replied Merry quite sheepishly.

“Is talking a bit better, Meriadoc? I’m glad that you have Frodo awake here for you to talk with.”

“A bit,” Merry admittedly replied. His “what if” statements had all but gone, and he felt a big burden lifted from him. Frodo was correct; it was not his fault that the Old Willow Tree had attacked. They were lucky that Tom did arrive, and that is what matters. It was not any of their faults for getting them lost.

“I’m glad to have helped,” said Frodo. “No one should be anxious over anything by himself, especially not you.”

“Now I wish it were the same with you,” chucked Gandalf as Frodo looked meaningfully to Gandalf as if to say “I do not keep things to myself”.

Merry grinned for the first time since Pippin had played a trick on him earlier that night. Being with others surely made his thoughts about the Willow diminish somewhat. Then drowsiness overcame him a bit, and finally he felt calm enough to sleep again. Frodo realized this, and gently placed his cousin in his bedroll. “Sweet dreams, dear Merry,” he whispered into Merry’s ears, as Merry’s eyes quickly fluttered and closed, signaling peacefulness had finally reigned in to give him undisturbed sleep.

“I think Merry is taking after you for keeping things to himself,” joked Gandalf.

“We’re related for a reason,” replied Frodo with a wink. “But I’m glad he told me what was bothering him, but I think this reticence has everything to do with not wanting to worry me, and more importantly Pippin,” replied Frodo with a smile.

~~~
During the next trek across the mines, the stifling darkness seemed to have lifted a bit, and Merry felt better. The vividness of the nightmares slowly drifted into dreams of just a mere harmless tree from a distance. Merry was glad, and hoped that he would not meet any nasty tree again in the duration of the journey.

Walking towards Frodo during the next trek across the gloomy mines, Merry said, “I’ have always respected advice from you and have always needed you to comfort me, Frodo. Thanks for always being there for me, dear cousin.”

The End.

A/N-Many thanks to ethereal_hobbit and luthienofnarnia for editing/beta-ing, providing many nice comments/suggestions.