Chapter 13, Before the Dawn

“Elrond, awaken!  Something is wrong.”

Before he could even fully process the words that rang out in his head, Elrond sat up in alarm, instantly wide awake.  The voice in his mind, easily recognizable as Galadriel’s, was at once urgent and concerned--he didn’t even her next message to know that the twins were in trouble.

“I sense danger to your sons.  Hurry!” the voice in his head demanded.

Elrond didn’t even pause to pull on a robe as he tore out of his bedchamber, barefoot and dressed only in his sleeping clothes.  As he ran full-speed through the quiet house, his heart raced—not from the sudden exertion, but from a father’s fear for his children. 

The doorways flew by as Elrond ran through the dark hall, cursing himself for leaving his sons in the first place.  He had thought that Elrohir would sleep through the night and would be safe in Elladan’s care.  Oh why had he left them?!  From the corner of his eye, he saw another figure join him in his flight and drew comfort from the knowledge that he would have help with whatever faced him in the infirmary.

When he reached the healing chambers, the outer door stood open, but the inner door to the room where he’d left his sons was tightly closed.  He yanked it open and rushed in, desperate to reach Elladan and Elrohir before anything could befall them. 

“No!” he breathed as he saw the empty bed and a dark-haired elf lying sprawled on the floor.  He was too late.

A hurried glance around the room convinced him of what he already knew to be true—only the one twin on the floor remained while the other was gone.  Focusing his attention on the son before him, he realized without much difficulty that it was Elladan.  The clothes were an obvious clue, of course, but this twin also had a certain ‘Elladanish’ look to him—one that Elrond could never define, but nonetheless just ‘something’ that told him that the son on the floor was his eldest.

The healer in him had already found the lump on the back of Elladan’s head when he finally realized who it was that had been running with him in the halls.  It was Glorfindel who had run into the room, quickly sized up the situation, and then fallen to his knees next to Elrond.

“What happened?” the golden warrior asked in hushed tones, his concern for the twins clear in his voice.

Elrond shook his head, not really knowing himself, and instead said, “Help me place him on the bed.”

The two gently lifted Elladan, Glorfindel taking his legs while Elrond took his head and shoulders.  When the young elf was comfortably lying on the bed that his twin had vacated just a short while ago, Elrond began a more thorough exam and was pleased to note that the bump on his head—one that wasn’t too serious—was Elladan’s only injury.

“Shall I begin a search for Elrohir?” asked Glorfindel, anxious to start looking for the missing elf.

Elrond gently placed his hands on either side of Elladan’s face and closed his eyes, concentrating as he forced his healing powers into his son.  He seemed to be focused entirely on the healing, but was aware enough to answer Glorfindel’s question with a murmured, “Hold a moment.  Elladan is not far from waking...he may be able to help guide our search.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when Elladan began to move restlessly and moaned softly.  Gentle coaxing from his father drew him out of the darkness and within moments, Elladan opened his eyes and looked around the room, his gaze finally locking on his father’s.

“Ada...” he said with alarm as he remembered what had transpired just a short while ago.

“Shhh...I am right here,” answered Elrond and then put a hand on Elladan’s chest as the younger elf tried to sit up.  “Lie still,” he ordered gently.

“Nay, Ada, I am fine.  But Elrohir...” Elladan began, but his words were cut off by a wince as he struggled against his father’s hand and forced his way up.

When he was sitting up, the younger elf held his forehead with one hand but said in a stronger voice, “Ada, you must find Elrohir.  He is…in trouble.”

Elrond supported his son with a hand on his arm and said with some trepidation, “Explain.”

Elladan grimaced as he recalled the events, “I watched Elrohir for hours after you left, but he never moved, so I thought it would be safe for me to rest my head for just a moment.  I...I must have fallen asleep, for when I awoke, I found Elrohir out of his bed.  He…he struck me down and then...walked away,” he finished softly, hurt more by his brother leaving him than the injury itself.

“Elrohir did this to you?” asked Elrond in shock.  Obviously Elladan was right when he said that Elrohir was ‘in trouble.’  Never would the elven lord have imagined that one of the twins would attack the other and then leave him lying injured on the floor!

Elladan nodded briefly, grimacing when it jarred his aching head, but then added, “Aye, so you see that we must hasten to find him.  He is not thinking clearly and could come to harm as he does not know friend from foe.”

“Did Elrohir say anything at all to indicate where he might be going?” asked Glorfindel, who up to that point had been silently listening.

Elladan remembered not to shake his head, and answered, “Nay, he said nothing.  Please Glorfindel, go find him.”

A quick nod from Elrond confirmed the request and the warrior ran out of the room to organize a search party for the missing elf.

When he was gone, Elrond turned his attention back to Elladan, who brushed off his father’s ministrations impatiently.  “Ada, it is just a small bump.  No time to bother with me now—we must find Elrohir quickly before he comes to further harm.”

The best thing for Elladan physically would have been to lay down and take a soothing draught to dull the pain and allow healing, but Elrond knew that neither of the twins would ever rest while his brother was missing, and so he quelled his healer’s instincts and instead helped his son off the bed.  After ensuring that Elladan was steady on his feet, the two left the infirmary and joined the awakening household to search for their missing loved one.

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The hours passed slowly that day.  By dawn’s first light the whole of Imladris had been awakened and nearly every elf, including many of the children, was involved in the search for their once-again missing prince.  The searchers checked every room.  They looked behind each bush.  They left no cubbyhole unexplored.  By late that evening, however, they finally had to accept that they wouldn’t be finding Elrohir right away.  Somehow, he’d managed to pull off another disappearing act and had once again vanished without a trace.  It was therefore a weary, frustrated, dispirited group that met back in the family quarters just before the evening meal.  None were actually hungry, but they sat down to dinner anyway, knowing that neglecting their own health would not help their search for Elrohir.

Elladan, whose headache had at last faded to just a dull nuisance after an earlier Elrond-imposed rest, sat quietly at the end of the table as the others discussed their efforts to locate his twin.  After his initial enthusiasm for the search, the young elf had become more and more withdrawn as the day progressed and no sign was found of his brother.  Now he sat staring out the window, seemingly uninterested in the rest of the family’s discussions until a sound cut through his preoccupation.  It was soft sobbing that drew his attention and as he looked for the source, he noted the rest of the family looking worriedly at his sister.

“I never even got a chance to speak to him,” the distraught Arwen was crying.  “We stayed away as you requested while he adjusted to life here, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I could see him, talk to him, let him come to know me and see me as a sister.  But now...”

Elrond gathered his sobbing daughter in his arms while Celeborn and Galadriel looked on sadly.  Arwen was giving voice to the pain that everyone was feeling over the disastrous turn of events, and none knew how to make things better.

It was times like this that Elladan usually excelled.  Even though he was only moments older than Elrohir, he took his role as Elrond’s eldest quite seriously and had always tried to protect and care for his younger siblings.   In that role, he always seemed to know just the right thing to say to make them feel better, but this time things were different.  Arwen’s distress—indeed the distress of everyone in the family—paled in comparison to what he was feeling and he couldn’t bring himself to do anything to help.  In fact, Arwen’s audible anguish was only adding to his own and he soon found he couldn’t bear another moment of it. 

Pushing his chair back, Elladan stood abruptly and without word, rushed out of the dining room’s open doors onto the balcony beyond.  His startled family, with the exception of Arwen, who had buried her head in her father’s shoulder, looked after him with concern. 

Elrond, torn, sighed deeply as he continued to hold his daughter.  It was at times like this that he most acutely felt the loss of his adored wife.  There just wasn’t enough of him to go around when two of his children desperately needed him.  Nay…make that three, not forgetting Elrohir’s obvious need as well.

After hearing the deep sigh, Celeborn, seeing Elrond’s dilemma, stood and said smoothly, “Stay with Arwen, Elrond.  I will see to Elladan.”

Matching his words with action, Celeborn then joined Elladan out on the balcony, not saying anything right away, but standing beside his young grandson in a quiet show of support. 

Elladan leaned heavily on the balcony wall and stared intently at the valley below, as if through force of will alone he could discover where his twin was hiding.  Celeborn, after studying his grandson carefully, allowed his gaze to follow Elladan’s and was soon sifting through possibilities of Elrohir’s whereabouts as well.  The two remained thus for awhile, each lost in his own thoughts.

After long, silent minutes, though, Elladan said in a voice made cold with suppressed emotion, “You know he is really gone this time.”

Celeborn contemplated his response.  Galadriel had told him of her own belief that Elrohir was now lost—not just his body, but his inner spirit as well.  Even if they found the missing elf, she held little hope that he’d ever be the same again since she’d sensed him burying himself in the deepest reaches of his being.  However, Galadriel’s concerns were not what Elladan needed to hear just now.  In his long life, Celeborn had learned time and again that hope and belief were a powerful force and could, upon occasion, snatch a miracle out of the clutches of certain disaster.  So with that in mind, he said with conviction, “Elrohir will not remain hidden forever.  We will find him.”

Still staring at the valley below, Elladan answered tersely, “Perhaps, but that will make no difference.  He will still be lost to us, as surely as he is now.”

Celeborn put a comforting hand on Elladan’s shoulder, which was brusquely shrugged off.  Stifling a sigh, the older elf dropped his hand and said as soothingly as he could without sounding patronizing, “As long as he is alive, there is hope for him.  You saw him return to us once before.  There is nothing to say he cannot again.”

Elladan wanted nothing more than to tell his well-meaning grandfather to take his ‘comforting’ thoughts and go away, but he forced himself to answer as politely as he was capable of at the moment, “He was hurt terribly, not once but twice.  He would be a fool to risk it again and Elrohir was never a fool.  He has no reason to come back.”

“He would come back for you,” countered Celeborn, trying to keep Elladan from giving in to despair.

The wise older elf miscalculated, though, not fully understanding the source of Elladan’s pain.  He meant to soothe Elladan, but instead went right to the heart of the young elf’s torment.  Celeborn soon learned his mistake, however, when his grandson turned to him with fire in his eyes.

Angrily Elladan hissed, “I am the last person he would wish to see!  Did you not hear what happened?  He struck me down and then walked out!  Do not think to tell me that Elrohir is thinking kind thoughts of me!  He knows that I failed to protect him and plainly despises me!”

Blinking with shock, Celeborn suddenly felt out of his depth and wished that he’d volunteered to stay with Arwen and instead let Elrond come outside to deal with his son.  Pushing aside useless wishes, however, he said strongly, “Young one, that is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in many a year.  Elrohir suffered a grievous injury.  One that perhaps is not visible, but one that nevertheless affected his thinking.  The only thing I see ‘plainly’ is that he would never purposely strike you and then leave you lying on the floor.  It is not within Elrohir to knowingly hurt you.  It was only his injury speaking.  And now this misplaced guilt of yours will not help him.  You must put aside these thoughts and help us discover where he might be hiding.”

Scowling, Elladan drew breath as if to shout back his response to Celeborn, but before any harsh words left his mouth, the young elf seemed to reconsider and after a visible effort to control himself, he nodded quietly and said, “Aye, you are right.  I am sorry...I let my concern for Elrohir overwhelm me for a moment.  Clearly our thoughts must go to finding Elrohir.  Perhaps...perhaps we should rejoin the others now and discuss tomorrow’s plans.”

Grateful for Elladan’s quick change of heart and glad to feel that he had somehow helped, Celeborn smiled encouragingly and the two left the balcony to join the rest of the family and eat dinner.

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It wasn’t until hours later when Elladan finally was alone in his room that his firm mask of self-control slipped again.  He was pleased at how well he’d played his part during the rest of dinner, participating fully in the strategy planning session and even offering several good ideas of his own.  Yes...he’d managed to seem like the concerned brother, and as far as he knew, hadn’t let anyone see his true feelings.  He knew that his twin was gone forever and he knew that it was his fault.  It was that simple.  The most important person in the world to him was gone—and he had no hope of ever getting him back—and he was to blame—and he hated himself for it.  And the very last thing he wanted was for someone to try to convince him otherwise with an encouraging talk, forcing him to completely lose self-control and say or do things that he’d regret forever.  He’d almost slipped earlier with his grandfather and was glad that he’d learned his lesson on just how tentative was his control over his emotions.  No...he would have to be much more careful if he wanted to keep others from trying to cheer him up!

He hadn’t actually been planning on letting down his wall of self-control even in the privacy of his room, but unfortunately fate played an unkind trick on him.  As he was preparing for bed, Elladan walked passed his wardrobe, which had been left open earlier in the day when he had dashed in to put on fresh clothes.  What he hadn’t expected was the impact simply seeing his own reflection would have on him.  As he walked past the door, his bone-weary mind caught a glimpse of his image in the mirror and for just a split second, he imagined that it was not a reflection, but in fact his twin standing there in his room, by his side as always. 

That was all he needed.  The realization that his other half would never again be by his side was more than he could bear.  Climbing into bed without even thinking of what he was doing, he lay there breathing hard as he tried to control himself, without success.  Within seconds, the strong, resilient, confident young lord and warrior was reduced to a heartbroken elfling, who curled up and buried his face in his arms.  He felt that he would die from heartache right then and there. 

He didn’t know how long he stayed that way, lost in his grief and able to do nothing but berate himself for his responsibility for the tragedy.  He knew Elrohir would be endangered from his grandmother’s efforts, but had let her continue anyway.  Why hadn’t he been strong enough to stop her from trying?  If nothing else, he could have hidden Elrohir somewhere or spoiled things by telling him about her plans.  But no...he had done nothing!  And had he been standing by in case he was needed?  No...he had stupidly followed instructions and stayed in the family quarters instead of watching over Elrohir.  He had known better!  He should have been there the instant things had gone wrong, but it had been left to Galadriel to pull Elrohir from the pool and she had not acted quickly enough.  And then...how could he have fallen asleep when he should have been keeping watch?  It didn’t matter that his father said Elrohir would surely sleep through the night.  He should have known better and stayed awake.  Yes, it was all is fault.  Elrohir was gone and he was the only one to blame!  Oh, how he hated himself!

It was a shame that Elrohir wasn’t there, because he would have been able to tell his twin just how destructive these kinds of thoughts could be, having recently worked through similar feelings of self-loathing himself.  But of course, the younger twin wasn’t around to impart any kind of sage, brotherly advice, so Elladan was forced to deal with hours of self-recrimination until he finally drifted into a troubled, fitful sleep.

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The family and Elrond’s key advisors spent the following days coordinating the search for Elrohir and regrouping in the evenings to discuss their progress over dinner.  Each of them played a key part in the hunt:  Celeborn and Galadriel were responsible for communicating with outside allies, Glorfindel rode out with the warriors daily and coordinated their efforts in the woods surrounding the valley, Arwen was in charge of the searches within Rivendell itself, and Erestor took over the daily administration of Rivendell to free up Elrond to mastermind the entire effort. 

That left only one who didn’t have a key role in the search:  Elladan.  He had arisen the morning after his troubled sleep once again in control of himself, but now as distant and hard-to-reach as his twin had been before his fall down the stairs.  Elrond noted the similarities between Elladan’s current behavior and Elrohir’s earlier behavior with a mixture of frustration and despair.  He really didn’t have time to deal with another disturbed son right now!

So, Elladan was allowed to go about Rivendell doing as he pleased and not participating in the formal search.  He spent his days riding about the valley, purportedly checking out possible hiding places, while rejecting any attempts to give him a leadership role in the hunt, refusing to join in any of the organized search parties.

Elrond allowed Elladan’s increasingly irritable behavior, understanding that it was just his way of reacting to Elrohir’s loss.  He also knew, thanks to Celeborn, that Elladan felt a certain guilt over his twin’s disappearance, but since the young elf had brushed off his father’s attempts to talk to him, Elrond was unaware of just how much this was affecting Elladan’s outlook.

So, by the end of the week when not a single sign of Elrohir had been found and the searchers were nearly mad with frustration, Elrond finally lost patience with Elladan when his son once again showed up for dinner late, contributed nothing to the conversation, and even ignored Glorfindel when he asked him to pass the bowl of fruit.  He’d had enough...Elladan would have to stop this inwardly-focused behavior and become an active member of the family again!

Thus he felt no qualms, after receiving discouraging reports from everyone else, about turning to his eldest and asking pointedly, “Elladan, do you have anything to offer today?”

Elladan, who had been moodily toying with his food and not really paying attention to what was being said, snapped his head up when he heard his name.  His eyes narrowed in irritation as he regarded his father and considered the question.  And just what did they expect him to say?  It seemed obvious to him that if he’d found anything, he would have volunteered it already, so he felt the question could only have been meant as a provocation.

However, knowing that he would only have to deal with worse issues if he followed his impulses and walked out of the room without even answering, he said shortly, “Nay, I have nothing to offer,” and then looked back down at his food.

The elven lord pursed his lips, trying to keep his temper as he asked, “Nothing?  Not even an opinion on where others might look?  Even if you find it too much trouble to join the search parties, at a minimum you might deign to give us the benefit of your bond with Elrohir.  You might know where he would choose to hide.”

Maintaining a maddening calm, Elladan flicked another look at his father and responded, “If it were truly Elrohir we were looking for, I might agree.  However, I submit that you are not looking for him at all.  It is merely the empty shell that he used to inhabit that you are now searching for—one that I could not possibly understand.  My Elrohir would never have hurt me and left me, so you see, you waste your time and mine wondering where Elrohir would think to hide—you would do better to wonder where a panicked, mindless elf would be found.  Now, I have told you all I know.  Why do you not just leave me alone,” he finished coldly, his emotions finally slipping in at the end.

By now, though, Elrond had had more than enough.  Elladan was not helping things with his overly-negative attitude.  Snapping with irritation, he said, “There can be no thoughts of us ‘leaving you alone!’  Your twin is missing, clearly not in his right mind, and could very easily find himself in harm’s way, yet you refuse to be an active participant in our search—refusing to even help guide those who are willing to look for him!  Now I understand how this has hurt you, but you must stop acting like you are the only one hurting here.  Grow up, Elladan!  We all have lost someone we love.”

At the look his son gave him—as if the young elf had just received a physical wound—Elrond paused, acknowledging that he’d allowed his own distress to affect how he’d spoken to his son.  He knew that Elladan was hurting far more than he was letting on and he should have been more considerate.  Taking a deep breath, he calmed himself and continued more quietly, “Elladan, I know what it is to lose a twin, so I understand your fears.  But you have the best chance of finding Elrohir.  You must help us.”

Elladan’s response was not what anyone expected.  Instead of more demands to be left alone or even some weak excuse explaining why he shouldn’t join the search teams, Elladan instead stood up and faced his father shaking with barely-contained temper, “You cannot know what I feel!  You know nothing!”

The elven lord didn’t know how to react to this outburst—the disrespectful, hurtful words were so uncharacteristic of his child.  The great pain it caused him was clear in his voice as it was harsh with suppressed emotion, “I watched my twin grow old and die!  How can you say I do not know of your pain?”

A short, hard laugh preceded Elladan’s answer, “Because you are still here!”

Genuinely not understanding, Elrond demanded, “What does that mean?”

“What I mean,” Elladan delivered sharply, “is the very fact that you are still alive tells me that you cannot know what I feel…for if my twin were to choose the mortal life and die, I assure you that I would not linger long beyond his passing.”

Feeling like he’d been punched, the mighty elven lord felt a chill go through his body as he considered Elladan’s words.  He had always believed deep down that the twins’ relationship mirrored his and Elros’.  With Elladan’s assertion, however, he had to acknowledge that perhaps he had underestimated their bond and in fact, probably couldn’t know what Elladan was feeling.  Afraid of the answer but forced to confirm what he thought he’d understood Elladan say, he softly asked, “You believe if Elrohir were to die, you would as well?”

Anger draining from him as he saw his father’s pale face, Elladan fell back into his seat and answered wearily, “Nay Ada, not ‘believe’...’know.’  I know I would not linger if Elrohir were to die.  Indeed I would not wish to.”

“Then help us find him,” pleaded his father, wanting to find a way to reach his son.  He had always feared that he would lose both sons if he lost one, but to hear that fear confirmed by Elladan had struck him like a blow to the heart. 

But Elladan wasn’t ready to let down his walls.  “I have told you he is gone,” he said, a touch of bitterness back in his voice. 

“You hold great anger,” Galadriel interrupted quietly, surprising father and son, who had forgotten the rest of the family sitting around the table. 

Elladan wanted to say something sarcastic about her great powers of observation, but even his anger wouldn’t let the young lord forget his manners and behave rudely to his grandmother.  Instead, he settled for a quick glare in her direction and then looked back at his plate.

Galadriel wasn’t one to be ignored, however.  Ruling an elven realm for millennia was not for the weak-willed, and she looked quietly at Elladan until her stare seemed to pull his gaze to her. 

Once she had his attention, she spoke again softly, “You are angry with me.  I understand that you blame me for your brother’s tragedy and I do not begrudge you those feelings, young one.  Know that I hold myself to blame as well and cannot tell you how sorry I am for what transpired.  Every indication I had told me that gazing into the pool would return your brother’s memories and I acted only to help him, never believing things would go so badly.  I beg your forgiveness, Elladan, for I know you suffer most from his loss.”

Elladan closed his eyes.  Why had he come to dinner?  He didn’t want to deal with anyone’s emotions—he was having enough trouble with his own.  But both his father and now his grandmother seemed to be pouring out their hearts...sigh.  Finally, he opened his eyes and said to Galadriel truthfully, “I have no anger for you regarding what happened to Elrohir...truly.  It was an accident.”

“Then you are angry with me?” interjected Elrond.

“Nay, I know you were only trying to help him,” Elladan answered, again wearily, wishing this conversation would end before it could go any further and end up in dangerous territory.

No such luck.  Arwen spoke up then and asked her brother pointedly, “Then why the bitterness we see in your eyes, Elladan?  Why do you hold yourself alone?  With whom are you so angry if not us?”

For a moment, it seemed that he would not answer, for Elladan closed his eyes, clenched his fists, and turned away, but then he apparently lost his internal battle, for his eyes flew open and he turned back.

When Elladan looked at her, Arwen actually drew back at the fury in his expression.  This mercurial temper was not like the brother she knew.  Seconds ago he seemed disheartened and an instant later he was furious—she wished she’d never opened her mouth! 

“With whom am I angry?!” Elladan asked incredulously.  “I fail to keep Elrohir safe and you have to ask?  I lose my twin forever and you wish to know who it is I blame?  Do not be simple!  Myself, of course!  Who else?  It was my job to protect Elrohir and I failed.  Miserably.  I knew it was a bad idea to try to retrieve his memories, but I let events unfurl without stopping them.  And then I was supposed to watch him, but fell asleep instead.  How could I not despise myself?”

“Elladan…” choked Arwen, seeing through the angers to the pain and wanting to help her hurting brother see that he was to blame no more than anyone else.  It was just a terrible, terrrible accident.

But Elladan wasn’t about to let his anger go, even for his gentle sister.  Pushing violently away from the table, he stood up and then towered over her, hissing,  “Do not ‘Elladan’ me, Arwen!  There is nothing you can say to make me feel any differently than I do now.  And I also have no desire to waste my time answering pointless questions.  In case you have not yet comprehended exactly what has happened, let me enlighten you,” he added, now addressing the whole room.  Nothing that any of you are doing will make any difference!  Elrohir is gone…and he is NOT coming back!”

With that, Elladan shoved aside the chair that he’d been holding onto, knocking it to the floor, and then stormed out the room. 

Arwen shakily drew a deep breath after her irate brother left.  Never before had one of her brothers ever turned on her so angrily and it left her feeling sick.  Elrond dropped a comforting hand on her shoulder before exhaling himself and then took a seat next to her.

The silence of the room after Elladan’s departure was oppressive.  No one felt like making more plans for the search after Elladan’s statement.  Elrond, especially, had been struck by his son’s prediction.  His managed to keep his face impassive, but it was only by sheer willpower that he kept is thus.  He knew that the others were looking to him to stay strong, but in truth he wanted nothing more than to run out of the room himself and find some way to vent his own distress.  His son was gone.  His bright, cheerful child was really gone.  In his heart he believed what Elladan had just said and thought that Elrohir wouldn’t be returning.  And furthermore, after this evening’s conflict, he realized just how fully Elrohir’s loss had taken Elladan from him as well—the twins were both gone as surely as if Elladan were missing himself.

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The next several days were difficult.  Elladan withdrew even more, not even bothering with meeting with the others at dinner.  He was becoming a total recluse, spending his days looking for Elrohir and his evenings alone. 

It was when Elrond was on the verge of giving up hope of finding a way to reach Elladan that an unexpected answer literally arrived at his door.  Just over two weeks after Elrohir’s disappearance, Erestor came to his study with a newly-arrived messenger.  It was not one of Elrond’s elven envoys who had taken notices of Elrohir’s plight to the neighboring realms—no this was a decidedly shorter fellow…in fact, a dwarf.

Intrigued and glad for the distraction, Elrond greeted the dwarf formally and then waited for him to deliver his message.

With a flourish, the dignified dwarf pulled out an intricately tied scroll and handed it over to Elrond with a bow, “Lord Elrond, I bring you a request from Lord Bremon and was instructed to return promptly with your reply.”

“Indeed?” responded Elrond.  “Then if you would wait but a moment, I shall read his missive and give you my response directly.”

Unrolling the parchment, Elrond saw that Lord Bremon was considering some modifications to their agreement…ones that would require negotiation before a final treaty could be decided upon.  Furthermore, the dwarven lord had asked for an ambassador to be sent to his realm in order to work out the details—and he specifically asked that Elrohir be that ambassador.

Pushing aside the melancholy that came with the reminder of his missing son, Elrond greeted this development with interest.  Since Elrohir could not be the one to go, perhaps this opportunity could be used to distract Elladan away from his despondency.  Writing a short message at the bottom of the scroll saying merely that his ambassador would leave for the dwarven realm the following day, Elrond said his farewells to the messenger and then sent for his son.

It took awhile for Elladan to be found, but eventually he appeared in the doorway and with a short bow, asked formally, “You sent for me?”

Neglecting the disquiet he felt at his son’s unhappy, distant behavior, Elrond answered, “Aye.  I have a job for you.”  When this statement brought no response from Elladan, he continued, “Our treaty with Lord Bremon requires some adjustments and I am appointing you to be my ambassador.”

Not even a flicker of interest showed on the young lord’s face as he asked impassively, “Why?  You usually send an advisor or a diplomat.  Why send me?”

The father in Elrond hesitated a moment before answering, not wanting his words to wound.  “Lord Bremon’s request for an envoy was specific.  He asked that Elrohir represent our interests.  And…as he cannot go, I wish for you to take his place.”

He thought he’d perfected his facade of detachment, but at his father’s words, Elladan couldn’t help the pained look that flashed across his face.  Elladan knew that his twin would have been so pleased to be asked to play this key role.  He could imagine how excited Elrohir would have been to be deemed worthy of the task and Elladan reflected briefly that it might have even been the catalyst to get him back on a horse.  He could picture in his mind the lively discussion they would have had as Elrohir prepared for his journey.  But none of that mattered.  No…it didn’t matter how much his twin would have loved this chance.  Elrohir was gone and he was being sent in his stead.

Forcing himself to nod his acceptance, Elladan said quietly, “I will go and do your bidding, my lord.  Is there anything you need to tell me before I depart?”

Elrond knew his son was referring to instructions for his meeting with Lord Bremon, but took the opening to say something he’d been meaning to say for awhile, “I do have something I need to speak of.  Come sit for a moment,” he added, gesturing to his couch.

Elladan walked to the couch and with all the grace of his elven ancestry, sat down next to his father, waiting impassively while Elrond carefully planned his words.

Elrond spoke not as a lord, but as a father when he said seriously, “I know how hard things have been for you these last weeks and I wish more than anything that I could undo these events.  But I cannot and instead must take my comfort in something I learned log ago…Elladan, I have come to believe that things happen for a reason.  Reasons that may not be clear right away—and in truth I cannot fathom why your brother was singled out for such hardship—but I believe the reasons will reveal themselves in time.”

Seeing only doubt in his son’s eyes, Elrond continued, “Elladan, you must have faith in the Valar.  I have known since the day of your birth that you and Elrohir were meant for something momentous.  You were created as two for a great purpose—I believe you were meant to do something that one could not do alone, so you must trust that Elrohir will somehow find his way home and allow you to fulfill your destiny together.”

In a half hurt, half angry tone, Elladan said, “Pretty words, Adar, but perhaps we have already fulfilled our destiny.  Or perhaps Elrohir’s disappearance was simply part of our destiny and now I am to become so enraged by his loss that I turn into a driven being full of vengeance who goes on to conquer some great unknown evil.  You see, you cannot know that our destiny truly means Elrohir will return.  And as for faith…I have difficulty having faith in ones that would force Elrohir to live through his nightmare twice.  He never deserved that even once, and I cannot find hope that some greater good will come from it!”

Elrond looked at the flushed face of his son, who had become more and more upset with each word.  Elladan had a valid point, but Elrond felt strongly that he needed to give his son a sense of hope before he left.  He couldn’t let him ride off with despair and hopelessness as his only companions.  With that in mind, he said gently, “I understand your anger, but perhaps you should consider having faith in someone else.  What about Elrohir himself?  Have you no belief in his strength and determination?  You know if anyone can find his way back, it would be your stubborn brother?”

Elladan ducked his head as those words caused the briefest smile to lighten his face.  Yes, Elrohir was capable of almost anything if he set his mind to it.  But…then the momentary lightness faded as he remembered, “But it was Elrohir himself who chose to leave,” he stated bluntly.  “He would not knowingly come back.”

“You do not know that for sure,” answered Elrond.  “We do not know why Elrohir left.  We do not know what he was thinking.”

Looking him in the eyes for the first time in days, Elladan said firmly, “Ada, there need not be any discussions on what Elrohir was thinking when he ran off.  I told you this already.  Elrohir would never have hurt me and then left me on the floor.  I know that with every fiber of my being.  That is why I mourn.  The elf who struck me bore no resemblance to my brother, other than his physical body.  Elrohir himself was gone,” he finished, once again not quite masking his grief.

“Elladan, you must not lose hope for him,” whispered Elrond, his heart aching with sympathy for his son’s pain.

A single shake of his head preceded Elladan’s equally quiet response, “I cannot dare to hope, Ada.  I would only be opening my heart for a mortal wound if my hopes were to be unfounded.  I…I cannot.”

Elrond’s face reflected the deep love he felt for him as he tried to find words to give Elladan, his other lost son, a focus he so desperately needed, even if he didn’t realize it.  Going to the core of the issue, he simply said, “He still exists somewhere and would expect you to find him.  Elrohir needs you.”

“Ada…” protested Elladan.  How could his father put such a burden on him? 

“Elladan,” pressed his father, “he needs you.”

Long silence followed Elrond’s declaration as Elladan struggled with his thoughts.  He finally gave up all efforts to hide his feelings and dropped his head as he choked out, “I do not know what do.  I do not know how I can face more long, lonely years of searching, Ada.  Not when I do not believe he can truly be recovered.  I am so tired of the despair.  I want everything back the way it used to be.  Oh Ada, what do I do?”

Elrond sighed as he longed for the old days when his sons were little elflings and he could fix all their troubles with a hug.  Still, Elrond was pleased that he’d at least managed to break through Elladan’s wall and his son was really talking to him again.  Fearful it would cure nothing but still needing to try, he pulled his child into a warm embrace and said, “You do not have to decide right away what to do about Elrohir, my son.  For now, you can fulfill this duty that has come your way and then you may find a clearer path once you return home.”

Elladan rested in the warmth of his father’s arms.  Elrond may doubt it, but even now those arms held the power to make his children feel reassured and protected.  Elladan rested his forehead on his father’s shoulder and accepted the love and comfort that was offered.  How had he forgotten?  In his despair over Elrohir’s loss, he’d shut himself off from his family—those who could have been helping him cope during this dark time.  He was grateful that his father hadn’t given up on him and was even now trying to reach him.   Eventually, he pulled back gently and said, “Thank you, Ada.  I guess I had best go pack now.”

He turned to go, but then before he left the room, ran back and gave his father another quick hug—trying to give comfort rather than just receive it.  With the briefest smile, he then nodded and hurried out.

After he left, Elrond stood in the doorway, looking at where his son had just been.  Although it had been a difficult talk, he was grateful for the outcome, for he had seen there in the last moment Elladan’s true, loving nature shining through all the misery.   He had not lost his eldest after all.  And for that, he was eternally thankful.

----------------

The following morning found Elladan awake early and preparing for his trip.  Once he was ready to go, he gathered his belongings and quietly left his room.  He was pleased that he didn’t have to say any goodbyes that morning, since he’d said them all the night before and thus was able to make his way directly to the stables. 

As Elladan approached them, he was surprised to see Kalen, the head groom, leading his horse out of the stables, apparently already prepared for the journey.

In spite of himself, Elladan felt a small tug of joy when he saw Isilmë, his long-time companion, look over at him and whicker in greeting.  He treasured this horse for many reasons, but two stood out in his mind—first of all, he could never forget how Isilmë had been his loyal companion during the dark years that he searched for his brother, but secondly, he had been a gift from that very same brother—a special horse that his twin had raised, trained, and then given him as a surprise.  Isilmë was a living link to their past bond, so Elladan treasured this equine friend of his even more.

Elladan went to his horse and rubbed his cheek affectionately.  It was such a beautiful animal, almost a silver-white with a deep look of intelligence in its eyes.  He was so lucky to have such a treasured friend to accompany him on his journey and for a moment, his spirits lightened as he almost looked forward to the trip.

 “Good morning,” said Kalen carefully, never quite at ease with the elder of Elrond’s sons.

With a great deal on his mind, Elladan didn’t feel much like talking and so turned a cool look towards the other elf and said somewhat curtly, “Good morning.  Is Isilmë ready?  I wish to be off immediately.”

“Aye.  Your father sent word last night to have him prepared for you by first light.  He is ready to go,” stated Kalen calmly.  He hesitated before adding tentatively, “If I may—I hope this is not out of line, my lord, but I wish to express my great sorrow upon hearing of Lord Elrohir’s disappearance.  He was a good friend and we have all sorely missed his presence...even before this latest tragedy.”

Elladan really looked at Kalen for the first time as he reflected on his brother’s love of horses and how this elf had been a part of that world for as long as he could remember.  Kalen was a few years older than the twins and had always been around the stables when they were growing up, as his father had been a groom as well.  And although Elladan himself had never really been good friends with the aloof Kalen, his easy-going brother had befriended him centuries ago.  Thinking of how Elrohir would be scolding him right now for being unsociable with his friend caused Elladan’s mask to slip for just a moment and Kalen saw the raw pain in his eyes. 

Annoyed at himself for not being able to maintain his emotionless façade, his response sounded almost angry when he said abruptly, “I thank you for your concern,” and then mounted his horse in one leap and without further words, rode off.

-----------------

As the hoofbeats faded in the distance, Matias, Kalen’s younger brother who also worked in the stables, walked up behind him and silently stood at his shoulder.

“Did you hear?” murmured Kalen quietly, staring off where Elladan had disappeared.

“Aye,” answered Matias, hesitating uncertainly before adding, “do you think it was wise to bring up Elrohir with him?  He was clearly not in a good mood and has never been very fond of us, even in the best of times.”

Kalen nodded his head, “You are right.  But Elrohir has been our good friend for many centuries.  How could I make no mention of him at all?”

With that, Kalen turned to go back to work, but was stopped by his brother who blocked his path and looked him square in the eyes as he asked, “Kalen, are you sure we are doing the right thing?  As you just said, Elrohir has been our friend since we were children.  Perhaps...perhaps we should end this now.  I have heard what this has done to his family.  What more can we hope for?”

In a heartbeat, Kalen’s expression hardened as he hissed, “End this?  End this?!  Perhaps you have forgotten what he cost us, but I cannot!  I will never rest until we have extracted proper retribution from those responsible for our family’s loss!”

“But Elrohir did not...” Matias began to protest.

Kalen quickly cut off his younger brother, “Nay!  Do not say it!  If you had been able to see Elladan’s eyes just now you would have known we are doing the right thing.  We are finally avenging Ada and Dahvos and I, for one, will never regret it!”

Matias had always followed his brother’s lead and his brief defiance was quickly waning, but he had to ask, “And what of Elrohir?”

The gleam in Kalen’s eyes answered him before he even spoke, “When we can be certain that he has no further use...” he paused for a moment, savoring the image in his mind, “then his life will be forfeit.”

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