This one is very nearly all dialogue so I do hope it isn’t too confusing. I know who is saying what but then, I wrote it so that helps a bit. These are not my characters. All of these Hobbits belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and appear in this story because I enjoy hobbits. Anyway, for my own Hobbit_ficathon challenge this week here is a story about a hobbit being late. Frodo is 45, Merry is nearly 31, and Pippin is 22.

A Party of Special Magnificence

“You’re late!”

“I know that and I can explain.”

“You always say that. I don’t think I should like to hear you explain this time, thank-you-very-much!”

“Don’t you turn your back on me when I’m talking to you!”

“I don’t hear anything. Do you hear anything, Frodo? I certainly don’t hear anything. I mean, maybe I hear something that sounds a little bit like my cousin, Meriadoc but I don’t think it could be him because he’d never dare to show up here this late, would he?”

“Maybe he has a good reason for being late, Pippin. You might at least let him explain.”

“Forget it, Frodo. Peregrin has decided to be stubborn about this and that is fine by me.”

“You can tell whoever it was that said that I am stubborn that I’m not, Frodo. Oh, and tell that hobbit that I am not speaking to him while you are about that, will you?”

“Frodo, you can tell Peregrin Took that my ears will be very glad of the rest from his infernal chatter now that he is no longer speaking to me.”

“Frodo, tell whoever that is that I don’t chatter. Besides if his ears weren’t so big then he wouldn’t have any problems with when and how others speak!”

“My ears are not big! You simply have a big mouth, doesn’t he, Frodo? In fact, I’ve heard you say more than once that you just wished he’d-“

“I wish both of you would stop speaking to me for a while and sort this out between yourselves.”

“Frodo, what did you say that you wished that I would do?”

“I don’t know what Merry is talking about, Pippin.”

“Let me help you, Cousin.”

“I don’t need any help, Merry.”

“Frodo said that sometimes he wishes that you would draw a breath in between sentences so that his ears can rest.”

“You didn’t!”

“Of course I didn’t!”

“You did too, Frodo! I can’t believe that you plan to lie about such a thing.”

“You aren’t lying, are you Frodo?”

“Well, no, of course not, Pippin. I didn’t say that, exactly.”

“Exactly what did you say, then?”

“Well, it is a bit hard to recall everything that I’ve said in full detail but I know that I didn’t say that in exactly that fashion.”

“What fashion did you say it in, then?”

“Well, I can’t recall, but I do recall that I never said anything about giving my ears a rest. Merry is completely wrong about that part.”

“I am not completely wrong about you having said that Pippin talks too much, Frodo. In fact, since you can’t exactly recall what you said, I would be more than happy to assist you. I understand that you’re memory is not what it used to be now that you’re getting on in years.”

“There is nothing the matter with my memory!”

“You did say that you couldn’t recall what you’d said, Frodo. Pippin asked you exactly what you did say and you said that it was hard to recall. When a hobbit reaches a certain age, sometimes-“

“I have not reached a certain age! I know exactly what I said! I said, I wish Pippin wouldn’t talk so fast and so much because it wears me out! I didn’t see anything about ‘resting my ears.’ If you must quote me then for pity sake, be accurate!”

“So, it wears you out when I talk?”

“Pippin, don’t be upset. I was rather tired that day when I said that. You know how you sometimes you say things because you aren’t feeling well? I wasn’t feeling well that day.”

“I don’t remember you being sick recently, Frodo.”

“Not, sick, Pippin, just not feeling well.”

“Either you feel well or you’re sick Frodo. You can’t be both at the same time. When I’m sick I certainly don’t feel well. In fact, when I am sick I feel quite dreadful. I don’t feel sick and well all at once. If I’m well, then I feel fine and I’m not at all sick so I don’t see how you could have been both of those things at-“

“Pippin, I am starting to feel a bit unwell just now. Would you mind if I went to my room to lie down for a bit while you and Merry stay here and ‘don’t speak to one another’? I think I could do with a bit of rest before supper.”

“You mean the special supper that has been waiting on the table in your kitchen for over an hour now? Is that the supper that you need to rest before, because if it is then please do go ahead and rest. The meal is likely ruined by now anyway since some of us were very, very late. Have a nice long rest from listening to me chatter, Frodo. I don’t think supper can get any colder unless it snows in your kitchen!”

“Merry, how exactly did you manage to get me into trouble? You were the one that was late. I was here, minding my own business and now all of the sudden I’m in more trouble than you are.”

“Never mind that now, Frodo. What special supper?”

“You might as well tell him, Pippin.”

“I’m not telling him anything! Besides, shouldn’t you be lying down or something?”

“I should shove both of you out the door and lock it behind you but I doubt that I have the nerve to be that rude.”

“I repeat; what special supper?”

“Pippin?”

“I talk too much. You tell him if you want him to know, Frodo.”

“You do talk too much, but just now I could do with an explanation, Pip so why not throw caution to the wind and give me one?”

“Get stuffed, Merry!”

“That isn’t very nice!”

“I didn’t mean it to be.”

“Pippin,”

“I’m not speaking to you either, Frodo. That should make both of you very happy!”

“For someone who isn’t speaking, you certainly are doing it very loudly.”

“Apologize, Merry.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.”

“But you’re the one who says that Pippin’s talking wears you out, why don’t you apologize?”

“I didn’t say anything until you brought it up. You should apologize first and then I’ll apologize. Now, apologize to Pippin, Meriadoc.”

“I’m desperately sorry for- what am I sorry for Frodo?”

“For being late.”

“Right, then. Pippin, I am desperately sorry for-“

“Piss off, Merry. If you don’t know what you’re sorry for then you aren’t really sorry at all, are you?”

“I tried, Frodo. Now it’s your turn to be sorry but don’t forget what it is that you’re sorry for or Pip will bite your head off before you can apologize properly.”

“You should apologize to Frodo since it’s his kitchen and he went to so much trouble and you didn’t even show up on time. That’s who you should apologize to if you must know. Frodo should apologize to me for talking about me when I wasn’t listening and saying that I talk too much.”

“When do you apologize?”

“For what?”

“For acting like an insufferable twit just because I was a bit late for supper.”

“Fine! I am very sorry that you were so late for supper that you spoiled everything. There! Are you happy?”

“Not really.”

“Nothing pleases you, Meriadoc!”

“You don’t look too pleased yourself, Peregrin. In fact you look as if you might explode. I didn’t know your face could get that red.”

“I’m going in the kitchen and throw away supper! All of it!”

“Pippin, don’t!”

“Let go of my arm, Frodo!”

“Calm down then and be reasonable. At least let Merry explain why he was late and then if you want to storm out into the kitchen and toss out supper I won’t stop you.”

“You won’t?”

“No, Merry, I won’t because I will be lying down. After you explain your tardiness, I plan to leave the two of you on your own. I will close my bedroom door and if, whilst I am napping, one of you kills the other, then I won’t have to be a witness at the trial because I won’t have seen anything.”

“You’d just go off to bed and allow him to toss out perfectly good food? What kind of a host are you?”

“The sort of host that has grown weary of his guests.”

“Explain, then.”

“We’re back to that again, are we Pippin?”

“Yes.”

“Fine, I’ll explain.”

“Then do it.”

“I will.”

“When?”

“Now, if you’ll quit telling me to explain long enough for me to explain.”

“Well?”

“I was having a pint at the Dragon with Fredegar Bolger and I lost track of time.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“That’s your entire explanation for being late?”

“Yes, Pippin, that’s all of it right there. I left out what Fredegar and I talked about and the part where I saw Sam Gamgee and spoke to him, but on the whole, I’d say that was the entire reason that I was late.”

“That’s no reason at all. That is just you being thoughtless is all that is.”

“Pippin, it’s just supper. You could have started without me. You and Frodo have started supper without me on numerous occasions. Why not tonight?”

“You don’t start a surprise birthday supper without the guest of honor, Merry! It’s rude and if it is a birthday supper for someone and that someone isn’t there then what is the point of having it?”

“My birthday isn’t for a whole week yet. Why would you have a surprise birthday supper for me when it isn’t even my birthday yet?”

“So it would be a surprise, of course. You always know when we’re trying to surprise you and so I thought that if we surprised you early then you wouldn’t spoil it by guessing. Instead you spoiled it by not showing up.”

“Frodo, why didn’t you warn me?”

“It was a surprise, Merry. Why would Frodo warn you?”

“So I wouldn’t spoil it and so you wouldn’t get all pissy about it.”

“Next time, I promise.”

“I’m not doing this again, ever so there will not be a next time and I am not pissy!”

“What would you call it then?”

“Disappointed.”

“Pippin.”

“It was a splendid supper, Merry. Frodo made mushrooms and Sam made that roasted chicken that you like with the wee potatoes, or taters as he calls them, and the gravy.”

“Sam cooked?”

“I made mushrooms.”

“Lovely, Frodo, but Sam cooked that chicken that he makes?”

“It’s sitting in the kitchen spoiling right now along with some fresh bread from the baked goods shop, carrots in honey sauce, fresh tomatoes from the Gaffer’s garden along with those sweet onions that he grows, those mushrooms of Frodo’s and a special surprise which we shall never get to now because it is supposed to be for afters with tea in the parlor but you can’t have afters if you haven’t had a meal, can you?”

“Sam’s roasted chicken? He walked right by me in the Dragon and smiled and waved and never said a word to me about any of it.”

“It was a SURPRISE, you great ninny!”

“Still, he might have warned me that there was roasted chicken going to waste up here.”

“And spoiled the surprise for you!”

“Pippin, I didn’t know, honestly I didn’t. How could I?”

“He is right about that, Pippin.”

“It’s an entire week until my real birthday and so I wasn’t expecting any sort of birthday supper. Why should I?”

“Then you’re surprised?”

“Of course I’m surprised! I wouldn’t have been late if I had known about Sam’s roasted chicken. I am completely surprised and now I am starving to death standing here and thinking about that lovely chicken in there with no one paying it proper attention and all because I had no idea that anyone might be giving me a birthday supper a week early.”

“That was Pippin’s idea.”

“Somehow, that part fails to surprise me.”

“But you are surprised about the supper?”

“Yes, Pippin. I am as surprised as I believe I have ever been in all of my thirty-one years, well, nearly thirty-one years.”

“It worked, Frodo! I told you it would work but you had your doubts, didn’t you?”

“I did, Pippin.”

“I knew it would work because Merry would never be expecting it and you weren’t expecting it, were you Merry?”

“Not at all, Pippin.”

“You’ll be surprised by the afters too, Merry.”

“I will?”

“I baked a cake!”

“You?”

“I did and I think that even though it leans a wee bit to one side that it isn’t terribly awful. Once I scraped the burnt bits off of the bottom layer and put on extra frosting to even it up a bit it looked splendid if I do say so myself. Don’t you think it looks splendid, Frodo?”

“It does indeed, Pippin. I am especially pleased with the way the decorations on the top look. You’ll love that part, Merry.”

“You can’t really tell that I lost control of that frosting tube that Pearl let me use, can you? I mean that one r in Merry is a wee bit too large, but I managed to fix that large glob of frosting beside of the word birthday by turning it into a rose.”

“Ingenious, really.”

“I can’t wait to see this cake Pip. In fact, I think we should go into the kitchen and start on that chicken right now just so we can get to the cake sooner.”

“Again with the chicken? I did make mushrooms and I know how you love my mushrooms.”

“I do love your mushrooms, Frodo. I am especially fond of them when they are served with Sam’s roasted chicken and potatoes.”

“So you really were surprised?”

“Completely, Pip.”

“Come on into the kitchen then and I’ll let you have a wee peek at the cake before we eat!”

“That should certainly increase my level of surprise.”

“Now, I do have to warn you that it may be a wee bit less than done in the middle so it will be probably be a good idea to eat the sides first and save the middle for when you are especially hungry. We’ll have to be careful when we cut it so that the middle bit doesn’t run out onto the table. It took Frodo ever so long to get the frosting off of the walls after that frosting tube thing of Pearls went out of control on me and so I wouldn’t think he’d be too keen to clean again. It really is a good thing that you were late, come to think of it because it would have spoiled everything if you’d arrived while there was frosting on the walls. That would have given away the surprise.”

Pippin hurried ahead of them to get the cake out and Merry turned to Frodo and whispered, "You let him have too much of the frosting while he was making the cake, didn't you?"

"I may have."

"You did."

"I can hear both of you out there! I did not have too much frosting! Now, come see your cake, Merry. It slid a bit more to the left but it is still quite delicious-looking!"

The End

GW 02/19/2006