Chapter 22 - Apologies

“And I can only hope that you are worthy of this power.”

Arandur’s words still rung in Legolas’ ears, even though the Captain had left the Prince to his own thoughts.

The Captain had looked at Herenion, silently telling the bodyguard to look after the worried Prince. He had not wanted to wound with his words – he had just been trying to explain the Avari position. But somehow he had managed to hurt the Prince, which had not been his intent. Herenion acknowledged the silent admonishment to look after Legolas. He too had been stunned by Arandur’s words, but it seemed as if Legolas had taken them to heart.

Neither had realised the seriousness of what Rhinure was about to pledge, and neither had seen the burden it placed on Legolas. While he had been prepared to marry her, only now was he truly beginning to see what a change that would bring. While he had been prepared to view the marriage as a contract he had been unprepared for the personal obligation Rhinure’s vows put on him. It forged a relationship between them, when he would have preferred none. He had been prepared for a formal, public pact but this new situation was too urgent – too personal. And it angered him

A Silvan marriage would have been difficult enough – the binding of two people and building of a new life together was a daunting prospect, especially for the freedom loving Legolas. But he had been prepared to do so for his people, even without the compensation of love or tenderness from Rhinure.

He would have done it because it was his duty.

But now – now the marriage had become even more confining. It now carried this responsibility of honour and power with it, aspects that Legolas was not comfortable with. And he had understood Arandur’s unspoken fear – by holding Rhinure’s Honour, he held the honour of the entire Avari people. He was not marrying one elleth but an entire race. This marriage was strained from the start and Legolas was not sure if it could survive this extra burden as well.

And it made him angry – angry at the injustice of it all, angry with himself for not seeing it before and especially angry with Rhinure for not telling him.

Legolas set off, anger rising from him like heat.

“Little one, where are you going?”

“To see her.”

“Is that wise? You are angry at the moment and will only anger her as well.”

Legolas aimed angry blue eyes at Herenion, “It might not be wise, but it is what I wish. And for once, I will do what I wish.” With that Legolas advanced towards Rhinure’s chambers.

Herenion was unable to stop him – the anger had given him pause, but it was the hidden hurt beneath it all that had halted him.

x – x – x – x – x – x – x – x

Legolas stormed into Rhinure’s chambers, by this time working himself up into a frenzy. Ehtewen and Erutunín instinctively reached for their swords when they saw his angry face. It was only Istion’s calming gestures that prevented them from running the prince through.

Rhinure was too stunned to do anything. Legolas glared at her, pining her to her chair with the intensity in his eyes. What had she done now?

“Leave us,” Legolas tersely commanded. All three Guards remained exactly where they were – they would not abandon their Mistress to this dangerous, unstable elf.

“Did you not hear what I said?” Legolas asked, his voice lowering to a harsh undertone.

Rhinure could see that Legolas was agitated about something and was not going to speak about it in front of her bodyguards; the absence of Herenion already indicated the seriousness of the situation. She signalled for the three to leave them.

Ehtewen looked at Rhinure, not approving of the decision. However, Rhinure indicated that everything would be fine. For some reason, she knew that Legolas would not harm her in any way – no matter how angry he was. She was safe, and she silently told her guards as much.

The three saluted their Mistress and left the chamber without sparing Legolas a single glance.

“Now, my Lord, if you would be so kind as to explain why you are angry?” Rhinure indicated that Legolas should take the seat in front of her.

Legolas did not sit down.

“You lied to me.”

Rhinure rigidly looked up at the glowering Prince, “I have never lied to you.” Her voice matched Legolas’ coldness perfectly.

“You did not tell me that you swore four vows to me.”

“You never asked,” Rhinure pointed out reasonably, all the time wondering why that knowledge would bother him in the first place.

“Did you not think that it was something I should have been told? How long did you think to hide it from me?”

“Hide what, my Lord?” Rhinure was genuinely confused.

“Is it true that your marriage vows will supersede all others?” Legolas asked, finally sitting down in the chair, but still not taking his eyes off Rhinure’s face. He had to watch her eyes if he was ever going to be convinced of her sincerity.

“Of course. Did you expect anything less?”

*~ YES. I expected so much less from you. ~*

Legolas could not answer that, even though the question was legitimate. How could he tell her that despite all she had said or done, he still suspected some ploy behind her agreement? Now to be told that she was genuinely serious about joining with him was a shock – it forced him to change his thinking, again.

“Marriage is taken very seriously by the Avari, my Lord. I was under the impression that it was so with the Wood-elves as well.” Rhinure was beginning to understand some of Legolas’ anger. It was not pleasant to realise that your enemy could be devoted to something.

“Very seriously.”

“Then is it so incomprehensible that we, too, might accord it the same honour?” Rhinure asked, a shade plaintively. Legolas must understand – he had to.

 “You accord it too much honour, my Lady. You rob it of all its joy and brightness, to make it something heavy and onerous.”

Legolas looked at Rhinure, trying to make her understand his fear. And in the end, it was fear – he had his own people to sustain and protect; he could not do the same for the Avari. He did not have the strength. He turned away from her – from her steady, unmoving eyes.

“I cannot change who and what I am, my Lord.” Rhinure paused, “You will adapt.”

Legolas’ head snapped back, surprise colouring his expression.

“You will face this burden as you have done all others. Why do you doubt yourself ?”

*~ I have faith in you, why cannot you have the same faith in yourself? ~*

“My Lady, how can you be so sure?”

“Because you have never given me a reason to believe otherwise. You judge yourself by what you feel. I judge you by what you have accomplished.”

“My Lady …” Legolas did not know what to say. Rhinure meant what she said and it moved him. To be judged on one’s actions alone was a mark of great respect. And it was humiliating for him as well – had he ever accorded her the same deference?

He had been so set against this marriage because it was only about duty. There was little to make it bearable to him – love, companionship, tenderness – all were missing from this union. Even now, thinking about it made him unhappy. But had he ever looked at Rhinure and realised that she was in exactly the same position? She too was marrying someone she did not know, someone she did not love. Yet, she was willing to give everything she was to this union.

 *~ There is nothing that Rhinure can swear, nothing she can promise which is greater than the what she gives to you ~*

Arandur’s words, now remembered, made him feel selfish and petty. Could he make the same claim about himself? Was he willing to give this marriage everything he was? Could he give Rhinure his dreams and hopes as willingly as she gave him her Honour?

Unfortunately the answer was no. While he could and would vow to honour her, respect her – even value her, he could not vow to love her. He could not give her what he held highest in his estimation.

It was he holding back, it was he who was hiding, not her. And for that he had never been more sorry.

“My Lady …” Legolas suddenly rose from his chair to crouch in front of her. Before she could move he had her hands in his, holding them tightly. “My Lady, I am sorry.”

Rhinure was shaken by Legolas’ action. She gently tugged at her hands trying to get them free, but that only made him tighten his grip. “For what, my Lord?”

For the first time Legolas realised that when Rhinure called him Lord, she meant it. He was her Lord, her husband. It was a sign of her respect for him, and he had never bothered to listen.

“For everything, Arwenamin. For everything. For what I have done to you. For what I will do to you.”            <My lady>

Legolas brought her hands to his lips and gently brushed them against his mouth.

“For what I did not understand. For all that I still do not.”

He pressed her hands to his eyes, trying to prevent the tears from falling. Tears she would not understand or want. “I am sorry, for all the I am unable to give you. For all that you have been made to give me.”

Rhinure could only watch as the golden head bent in front of her. She struggled to remain impassive and unmoved but Legolas’ pain was palpable. She freed one of her hands and brought his face up so that he was looking into her eyes.

“My Lord, what I am I choose to give to you. And the fact that you accept it is enough.”

“But …”

Rhinure brought her finger to his mouth, to stop him from saying more. “My Lord, you have apologised already. Do not do it again. I have said this before but you seem to have not heard me. To apologise for what you cannot change is foolish and unnecessary.”

*~ Your apology to me is unnecessary. ~*

“But I would have it different, if I could.”

*~ I know you wish for things to be different, Legolas. But you must learn that hope is oft unfulfilled. ~*

“So would we all, my Lord.”

Rhinure lifted her fingers from Legolas’ mouth, and ran them softly along his jaw, telling him silently that she understood. She knew what he could not give, what he could not vow and it was acceptable.

Legolas intertwined his fingers in the hand he was holding and wished his life had been different.

x – x – x – x – x – x – x – x

They sat silent for a moment – the Silvan elf and the Avari – both prisoners of Fate.

Then Legolas remembered something, “My Lady, what are the four vows exactly?”

“They are my pledge to serve you, obey you, for my entire life and …”

“Where does Death come in?” Legolas insisted when he saw Rhinure hesitate.

“The marriage vows are the only vows that are not sundered by Death. You have a claim on me that lasts beyond Life, beyond Death. There is no vow stronger than that.”

Legolas was silent – he thought of his father and his mother. He remembered the utter desolation on Thranduil’s face when he lost Eruante. He remembered the sadness that still lingered in his father’s eyes and all he could think was how frighteningly similar such different elves could be.

 x – x – x – x – x – x – x – x