Chapter 28 – Regrets

Legolas spent the entire night on the balcony thinking about what he had done – or more precisely, on what he had not done. He still did not believe that he was spending his wedding night on his balcony, alone.

This was not how it was supposed to be; he should have fallen in love with a beautiful shy maid, been desperate to marry her and eager to make love to her. Instead he had been forced into marriage to a female he hardly knew, barely cared about and was frantic to bed. Legolas supposed that one out of three was not bad. However, he wished it had been anything except the last, that way he would not be standing outside her room like a fool.

He had honestly tried going to sleep, but for the first time in his life, he had found his bed too large. He tossed and turned trying to make himself comfortable but failed miserably. He knew that this night he was going to get no rest unless it was beside Rhinure.

Walking back to the balcony, he stopped right outside her window, not daring to see if she had locked it or not. If it was locked, it meant that she was angry with him and did not want to see him tonight. If it was open, … Legolas did not even want to consider that possibility because he would march right in, sweep her into his arms, kiss her senseless …

*~ Why am I doing this to myself? ~*

Legolas turned away from her window, and looked at the grounds. The night seemed so peaceful and quiet, Legolas could make out the Guards patrolling near the entrance but that was all. Nothing else seemed to be moving, except him. Everything about the night, the beautiful moon, the general comfort in the air, seemed to have been specifically designed to torment him.

Legolas turned back to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rhinure through the curtains, but to no avail. She had drawn the curtains tightly, allowing no glimpse inside. Legolas wondered if she was asleep or whether she was pacing restlessly. Though it was cruel, Legolas hoped that she was as impatient as he was. He did not think he would be able to stand it if she was sleeping comfortably.

*~ I wonder if she is in bed? ~*

*~ Does she sleep with her hair loose? ~* Legolas could imagine Rhinure’s black hair spread out beneath her, all over her pillow. When she would move her hair would fall on the bed sheet, so dark against his white sheet. When he would draw her closer to him, the electricity from her hair would make it crackle.

*~ Enough! ~*

Legolas tried to remind himself of all the good reasons why had not given in.

*~ I hardly know her; but she has the most mesmerising eyes I have ever seen.

*~ I cannot trust her. But she smells so wonderful.*

*~ She is using me. But she feels so good in my arms. ~*

This was not helping. It was going to be a long night.

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Rhinure lay determinedly in bed, not sleeping but not pacing either. She would not let Legolas’ behaviour upset her. She would put this behind her – she would not think of the way her body shuddered when Legolas touched her. She would not think of the way his arms had encircled her waist.

This was not working.

She would find another way to comfort herself. If Legolas did not want her, then she would not let him near her again. She was humiliated enough. But then she thought about the way his eyes had made her feel beautiful, those blue eyes the colour of a spring sky. She doubted that she would be able to stop him the day he decided he wanted her enough. And that thought humiliated her, more than she would have expected. It also made her very angry.

Rhinure turned in the bed, the silk sheets smothering her. She was tempted to tear them off the bed, but she had made enough of a scene today without having Ehtewen burst in again – and find her alone.

She would move on – she did not need him.

Who was she fooling? Not herself.

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By the time Ehtewen entered the room, Rhinure was up and dressed. Her careful mask was also in place, but it did not fool the First Guard. Ehtewen noted that the bed sheets were relatively smooth and unstained.

“He did not spend the night with you, did he?”

“No, he did not.” Rhinure was calm; spending the entire night had given her the distance she needed to assimilate.

“Why not?”

“I can only assume that he did not want me enough.”

“If that is true, then he obviously regretted his decision.” Rhinure turned to see Istion and Morion enter.

“Explain.”

“He spent the entire night pacing on the balcony. He was obviously agitated.”

“That does not mean that he regretted leaving me.”

“But it is a possibility,” Morion insisted.

“A possibility only.”

“I do not understand. You are an attractive enough female, and he does not seem to have a mistress,” Ehtewen mused.

“Maybe he has a stronger control over his physical needs then we thought,” Istion offered.

“I doubt it, he does not control anything else, why would he control his physical urges?” Ehtewen frowned, completely confused by the night’s events.

“He said that it was too soon to bed me. He had to get to know me better.”

“What does one have to do with the other? One is a matter of trust and the other a bodily function.”

“I do not understand it myself, Ehtewen, though I am going to find out.”

“What do you plan to do?”

“I am going to talk to Arandur. He must have some idea of why these Elves behave the way they do.”

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“Arandur, I wish to speak with you.”

Arandur turned to look at his Mistress’ determined face and immediately fell into step beside her.

“As you command, Mistress.”

“I wish to speak to you privately.”

“Then may I lead you to my quarters?”

Rhinure nodded and followed Arandur.

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“Come in, my son. I hope I did not drag you away from your bride.”

*~ I only wish that were true. ~*

“Of course not, Ada. I am always happy to speak to you.”

*~ Except today. ~*

“You did not sleep with her, did you?”

“Ada?” Legolas was shocked, how did Thranduil know? Had someone been watching his chambers? Had Rhinure said something?

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“Legolas refused me last night.”

Arandur sat down in front of his Sacrifice and just looked at her. Sometimes he forgot how direct Avari elves could be. He had also forgotten that when Rhinure said privately that inevitably meant that her bodyguards were going to be around. The First Guard was still as intimidating as ever, especially when there was a perceived insult to the Sacrifice.

“I expected as much,” Arandur said carefully. From the corner of his eye he could see Ehtewen straighten and he knew Prince Legolas was going to be in deep trouble unless he could explain satisfactorily.

“Would you care to explain why?” Rhinure’s tone was more puzzled than cold.

“You must understand, Mistress, that these Elves are not like us.”

“Really? You think so?”

“Mistress, they do not treat sex here as we do. It has more significance for them.”

“How so?” Rhinure angled her head, concentrating on what Arandur was saying.

“For them it is more of an act of love then a satiation of a physical drive. To sleep with someone means to care for them, in most cases to love them.”

“Are you saying that I will have to wait until Legolas falls in love with me before he is willing to sleep with me?”

“Probably. At the very least, you will have to wait until he cares for you more, trusts you more.”

“Arandur, that is ridiculous. It is bad enough that he is giving so much importance to a physical act but now I have to wait for him to sort out his emotions?”

“Mistress, as I said, they treat sex differently.”

“They invest it with too much significance. How will he take care of his needs, if he does not come to me? Will he take another bed-mate?”

“I seriously doubt it.”

Rhinure kept quiet, trying to process what Arandur had told her. It was not that the Avari treated sex lightly, they choose there partners with great care, someone who was pleasing and who could pleasure them. But they did not have these emotional preconditions. If you cared for the one you were bedding that was really your own business. It had no bearing on the other person. The decision to invite someone to your bed was made not on emotional need, but on physical one. It made more sense that way to Rhinure; people could gratify their senses without having to wait for the more complicated process of trust and caring.

“Then how will he satisfy himself?”

“He will control himself until he is ready to take you to his bed.”

Rhinure was delighted at that thought – it was almost Avari in its thinking. The concept of controlling yourself until you achieved a desired goal made perfect sense to Rhinure. She could understand why Legolas wanted to wait – she did not agree with it but she could admire it. To have such control over oneself was commendable.

“Arandur, is it always necessary for one to love someone before sleeping with them?”

“Generally, but I think it is possible that these Elves do bed each other for purely physical comfort as well.”

That was reassuring, but Rhinure still wanted to know, “How can one tell the difference?”

“Forgive me, Mistress, I have no idea how. The whole concept is foreign to me. I do not understand why they cannot take what they have been offered and be satisfied with it. If Prince Legolas desires you then he should take you to bed. For now that should be enough; the trust he wants can come later.”

Rhinure nodded her head, agreeing with Arandur; life was uncertain and hard enough as it is. To deny yourself what little pleasure it offered, in hopes of more later seemed such a waste. It was a gamble Rhinure was not willing to take.

“Mistress, why do you bother with this anyway?” Morion asked diffidently, causing Rhinure to look up at him.

“Why do you not take another bed-mate, until Prince Legolas becomes more willing?”

Take another Elf to her bed. It was permissible by Avari rules. Rhinure considered it for about two seconds. But she knew she could not. The thought of another Elf touching her, kissing her, making love to her made her feel ill. The truth of the matter was that she wanted Legolas; she wanted his arms to hold her, his lips to make her quiver with pleasure. And she was determined she was going to get exactly that.

“I do not advise that, Mistress. Prince Legolas would probably see it as an affront to his honour and a violation of his marital rights, if you took another bed-mate.”

“Why? If he so desired, I would allow him to take another partner.”

“For the Silvan Elves, marriage includes bed rights as well.”

Ehtewen exhaled at this, “So you are saying that neither will Prince Legolas bed her nor let anyone else do it.”

“Essentially, yes.”

“For now I will abandon that option,” Rhinure said carefully. She did not want to offend her new husband’s sensibilities but neither did she want the Avari to know how desperately she wanted Legolas in her bed.

“Arandur, can he be seduced?”

Arandur looked at Rhinure, eyes twinkling, “Mistress, I believe he can.”

Rhinure smiled to herself – it seemed as if Legolas days of celibacy were numbered.

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“Ada, how did you know?”

“I did not, but you have just confirmed it for me,” Thranduil sighed. Grandchildren were going to have to wait, at least until he drilled some sense into his son.

“Do you wish to talk about it?”

“If I said no, would you let me go?”

Thranduil chuckled, “Probably not.”

“Ada I do not feel particularly comfortable talking to you about this.”

“Would you rather speak of it to Herenion, or your friends maybe?” Thranduil suggested in all seriousness.

Legolas looked at his father in complete horror. He would never hear the end of it if spoke to them. He could not speak to them about something like this – some things were too private.

“Nín ion, talk to me,” Thranduil’s voice was gentle and like a balm for Legolas. He wanted to throw himself into his Ada’s arms and let him make everything better. <My Son.>

“Ada, I am confused.”

“About?”

“About everything, this marriage, the way I am handling it, and especially Rhinure.”

“A lot to be dealing with after only a day of marriage, no?”

Legolas chuckled weakly, it was true. Rhinure was already driving him crazy and she had only been his wife for a day.

“At least this marriage is never going to be dull,” Legolas smiled at his father, reassuring him that he would be all right.

“Thank the Valar for small mercies,” Thranduil smiled back, glad that his son would recover.

Legolas linked his hands together and looked at the mesh they formed. The criss-cross pattern, so jagged but so inter-connected fascinated him. Thranduil did not say anything, giving Legolas the time to collect his thoughts.

“She invited me to her bed yesterday and I refused,” Legolas said quietly.

“Why? Do you not desire her?”

“Why does everyone jump to that conclusion? Yes, I do desire her. But it is not enough. I want to know her, care for her before I take this final step.”

*~ You do not ask for much do you, Elfling. At least, you are not holding out for love. ~*

“Most people would see marriage as the final step. Now that you have married her, what holds you back?”

Legolas’ voice was tired, “Ada, marriage is only a final step when you love the person. In my case it is a farce.”

Thranduil swallowed at the pain in his son’s voice but he kept his own voice neutral, “Not always, tithen min. Relationships are built in many different ways. Loving someone and then marrying them is one way. Another is to respect someone and then learn to love them. It all comes down to holding on to what you have and building on that.”

“I understand that you want to learn about Rhinure and possibly care for her before your consummate you relationship; but son, you might not have that luxury.”

Legolas looked up sharply, and asked, “Why is it a luxury? Why would I not have the opportunity to get to know her?”

Thranduil did not miss the desperation in Legolas’ voice, “Son, if you ignore what you and Rhinure share, why should she let you have more? You cannot deny that you both are attracted to each other. But you let that pass, ignored it as unimportant. If you cannot be satisfied with what you do have, why would she want to give you more? Maybe you would throw it away as casually.”

“I would not do that,” Legolas said, appalled that he had never seen things this way. What did Rhinure think of him? Could she think that he was rejecting her? Legolas prayed that this was not the case.

“I know that, nín ion, but she might not.”

“Ada, I am not comfortable with bedding someone I know so little about.”

“I understand, little one, but she is your wife, you will have time to get to know her. Anyway, would the experience be so unpleasant that you run from it so?”

Legolas coloured deeply, thoughts immediately going back to Rhinure – her scent, the way she had looked and the need which still boiled in him.

Thranduil chuckled, “I take your expression to mean that you are interested.”

“Very interested,” Legolas managed despite the fact that he was absolutely red at this point.

“Build on what you have, Legolas. Let yourself share physical intimacy and maybe you can turn that into something more. There is no right way to build a marriage, just as long as you do build one.”

Legolas nodded, rising from his chair. He needed time to think about what Thranduil had said. “I will try, Ada, but I might not be able to do it. I yearn for so much more.”

“Let your preconceived notions go, Legolas and you might be surprised at how much you have already achieved.”

“Ada?”

Thranduil waved his last comment aside; Legolas did not need to have more things on his mind. He was confused enough as it was. But Thranduil remembered, he remembered the way his son had been frantic when he thought Rhinure was hurt. He remembered the softness that was in Legolas’ eyes when he presented her with the karha.

Legolas might not realise it but at some level he cared for the elf-maid already. Not as much as he hoped or wanted, but the seed was there. Now if he would let it grow naturally instead of forcing it.

Thranduil rose, taking his son in his arms. Legolas gratefully let him enfold him, feeling the tension drain out of him. Ada’s arms were still a wonderful place of to be.

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