Chapter Five: The Garden

I have begun to plant your garden, Sam. Bilbo and Gandalf think it will help me feel better since I am still hurting so much. I think they are right, though the flowers are getting more watering from my tears than from the rain or watering can. But I want this to be all ready for you when you came and it’s helping me just as much I think as being in the dark room.

I don’t miss you any less, but I think the energy I am exerting is helping me work out some of my grief as I dream of how I want this garden to look. I have no illusions that it can be as wonderful as you and the Gaffer always made Bag End, but I hope it will be something you can smile about when you see it and even be proud of. I debated with myself whether I wanted to make it look like the garden you so faithfully tended or whether I wanted something different since I did not know whether a resemblance would help or harm more. I have reached a sort of compromise, I think. I’ve started with many elanor and morning glory’s to remind me of her and you, of all the mornings you woke me since I came to Hobbiton and greeted me with such cheer. And I will start tomorrow with some of the plants that are native here that I think you will enjoy. I hope it will be a good combination of the old and the new, something I am not yet strong enough to try to do within myself, but know that I must and I think this will help.

I have not forgotten to talk to the flowers since I know from you how important that is. I’ve told them all about you, what a wonderful gardener and friend you are, how much I love you and miss you and how I can’t wait for you to come and see what I’m growing for you, though I hope it’s a bit further along than it is now. I know it will be for I fear it will be some years before you will be able to come and I know there is also a possibility that you will not be able to come at all. I try not to think of that. I just keep hoping you will come and that the garden will be blooming when you do and that I will be blooming as well.

Another good thing about all the energy I’m putting into this is that I’m sleeping much better because I am too exhausted to do anything else. Bilbo is a bit concerned about that I know, but it’s so much better than laying awake for hours as I have been doing before. He still won’t fall asleep until he is sure I do, but he no longer needs to hold me. I discovered early on that he knows my breathing and sleep patterns just as well as you do so I can’t fool him and these days I am too tired to try. This way, he is getting more sleep too and I am glad for that.

He has been such a comfort to me, Sam. Sometimes I will wake in the middle of the night and he will be awake, sitting in the chair next to me, holding my hand, looking at me with a sad but loving smile on his face. I will smile back and then fall back asleep, feeling so very loved. Other times when I’ve woken, I’ll just watch him sleep. I’m so lucky to have him with me, so lucky.

He had recovered some of his vitality by being here, though he is still very old and I fear he will not be long with me, so I wish to enjoy what time I do have with him. His own desire for the Ring fades daily as he has also visited the dark room. Sometimes I come in during the night and find him asleep on one of the benches and I just sit next to him. I am so glad he is healing and I’m also glad that at last I have some hope as well.

I miss you so.  Please come soon.  I love you so much.