Chapter Six: Firsts

Forgive me, dear, but this winter, the first without you, I’ve actually been glad more than once that you aren’t here. It’s been cold something fierce and I know you would have suffered awfully because of that. I hope it’s not cold where you are now. Somehow I can’t imagine an Elven land being less than perfect and to me that would be endless summer, but I know you always loved all the seasons, long walks in the spring, reading at your tree for hours in the summer, tramping through the leaves in the autumn, catching snowflakes in your hand and on your tongue in the winter. So I would hope you would have something of everything to please you where you are. I hope there’s a garden for you to sit in, meadows to walk in, libraries to read in and your bed has a mattress you can sink into with lots of feather pillows for you to have blissful dreams in. I hope for all good things for you, dear.

The Brandywine actually froze over enough to go skating on and I took Elanor down to it and held her hand as she wobbled and wove and stumbled and fell. She is just learning to get her legs under her so skating was probably not the best way to introduce her to that art, but she had fun and so did I, except when she fell. But each time she did, she got up again with my help and she had a smile on her face. I think, actually, her falls hurt me more than they hurt her. You would have loved to have been there, dear, though I know the cold would have bothered you. But maybe your heart would have been warmed enough to see such a beautiful child and her Da skate around. She adored you, you know and she misses you. I know you adored her. How lucky you two were to know each other if only a little time. But you will know her better because I will write about her and Frodo-lad when he comes and all the children and they will know all about you.

I remember the first time you and I went out skating when I was only ten. I fell so many times, but you were always there to help me back up. And sometimes you would hold my hand and I’d be a bit steadier. Sometimes, though, we both went down then and I’d be horrified that you were hurt, but then you’d laugh and I start laughing too because I could never be upset or in any pain myself when I heard such a beautiful sound from you. Your face was so bright, red with cold and exertion, but shining with joy and love. I could have stayed out forever with you if you had let me, but you always made sure I didn’t stay out too long and we would have a hot cider before the fire and make plans for going out the next day again. I loved every minute I spent with you, dear. Every minute.

This has also been the first Yule without you. I can barely remember not having you always at my side, each day of my life since I was nine and it’s that hard to face each new day, knowing I won’t be greeting you in the morning. But we made do with a simple celebration and Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin came too. We all thought it was important we should be together for such times as this as they are missing you something sore also, of course, and it helped, it did, to be together. Your cousins and I stayed up ’til the wee hours talking about you. Rose is fit to burst with Frodo-lad or so she believes that who is anxious to come out and announce himself to the world. I’ll be happy with either, but I think a lad this time with your name will perhaps help ease the loss.

I sat tonight for the first time in your chair at the dinner table. I know it’s mine now as head of the family, but I still call it yours. And it didn’t hurt like I thought it would. It’s been empty long enough and I could almost hear your satisfaction that I was there.

The voices still come at night to taunt all my hopes of seeing you again, but I keep telling them to go away. Do they torment you too? I want so much to be with you, to tell you that the whispers are wrong and to have you tell me, to look at you again and never have to look away, to see you smile and laugh and to be blinded by your light. One day, my dearest, one day.

Goodnight, my treasure. Sleep well. I love you. I love you so very much.