Chapter Nineteen: Candles

I lit a candle for you tonight, my dear. I stared at it for the longest time, remembering your light. It eased my heart and broke it at the same time, watching it flicker, remembering how much yours did, but never went out. It was always there, even in the darkest night. I touched the holder and stroked the candle slowly and I cried a little because this is all of I have left of your light, but for the memory of it. But the longer I stared at it, the more it helped me and the pain of losing you and missing you still so much eased and I ended by smiling at the light. It was almost too hard to blow it out, but I did before joining my Rose. She glows as bright as you and I am that lucky to have her just I have been so lucky to have you, my dear. I looked back at that candle as I was ready to leave the room and I thought more of you, even giving it a slight nod in goodnight, though I felt a little silly doing it. I wouldn’t have be telling you that, but you’ve never made fun of me. You have always understood me. Rose is that way too. I don’t have to tell her what’s going on in my heart. She already knows.

I know also you are burning brightly or so I hope you are. I will see you again, my dear, I will. I try not to think of how long it might be, but I know I will. My whole heart and soul longs for it, even as it longs to stay in the Shire and be with Rose and our children. Is this how you felt before you left? Loving the land that gave you birth, but knowing also that you were slowly leaving it? You were called to go elsewhere. I hear the same call, your voice and the Sea’s and someday I am going to answer. Someday.

Goodnight for now, dear. Sleep well. I love you so much. I can’t wait for the day I will tell you that again and not just write it and hope somehow you know.

* * *

I lit a candle for you tonight, Sam. I stared at it for the longest time, remembering how bright you always shone, even in Mordor when I was drowning in darkness, you were a beacon that pierced even that. I cried some tonight, the first I have in a while, because I still miss you so much. I stroked the holder and the candle, feeling the warm heat of the flame and remembering how would hold me, stroke my curls and talk and sing to me and warm me with all the love in your heart. It helped ease the pain some until you come. That is what I am living for. I am almost healed now, I have peace nearly all the time. The voice of the Ring is less and less, barely a whisper now. But my recovery is not going to be complete until you come and know I have achieved it, that I’m happy and whole again. I need you to know that. I need you to see my smile and hear my laugh and I need to see and hear yours as well, so I know you have healed yourself from all the hurts I’ve caused you. So I am going to hold on until you come. It won’t be hard I don’t think. I have been praying so hard for that and also the very air here embraces you, lifts you, energizes you. You will see that for yourself when you come. My tears dry and I smile. I give the candle a short bow, then blow it out and wish you a good night.

I will see you again, my dearest Sam. I will.