Chapter Eighteen: Victory at Last

A most happy birthday, my dearest Sam! Time passes by so differently here, but my heart remembers certain days, though I’ve lost track of time otherwise. How is Rose and your children? I know you are happy. My heart tells me you are, though I know you have had some sadness that you are still recovering from like I am with Bilbo’s death. How I wish I could have been there to hold you like I did when your Mum died. How I wish you could have been here to hold me.  I hope you can feel me hold you now. Still I know that for the most part you are happy and I rejoice that it is so. How can you not with such a lovely wife and fair children? I hope somehow you know that I am growing happier also.

I can see six or seven crawling all over you, all giggling and you laughing along with them. I don’t know if that’s merely a vision of those to come as I know you will have many or whether that is what is now, but they are so beautiful, Sam, so very beautiful. You and Rose are so very blessed. I can see you reading to them and holding them and singing them to sleep, stroking their curls and brushing their cheeks, telling them how much you love them with a heart bursting with that love. I remember doing that with Merry and Pippin when they were younger and with you. I remember you doing that to me, even the night before I left. Oh, my beautiful Sam, what a wonderful life you have!

I can’t wait to hear everything about it, to see you again and hold you and be held and to have you see me happy and whole again and see you happy. I spent the morning at the beach, looking east, holding you ever close in my thoughts, hoping that you could somehow sense that and all my love for you. Then I went to the garden and whiled away the afternoon there and tonight I will spend the night in your room.

Yes, dearheart, you have your own room, just waiting for you. I chose it myself even before I picked my own because I wanted you to have the best one. We arrived at dawn and I was so tired that I think I was leaning more on Bilbo than he was on me. I had fallen asleep in the carriage on the way from the harbor, but when I woke, we were shown this wonderful home. It’s above ground, but otherwise it’s as close to a smial as you can get. It even has a round door! I had no heart to appreciate it at first, but when I healed enough, home it became and I realized how beautiful it really is, what care went into its construction, some of the same compassion, understanding and gratitude I see everyday in the eyes of the Elves.

I had little care for where my own room was. I knew already it would be the dockside, looking east, but I took pains to choose the right one for you. It is one of the most beautiful, peaceful places here. It has lots of windows and gets all of the morning light and I now spend most of my mornings here because it makes me feel closer to you. I can close my eyes and imagine you will be shortly walking in the door, smiling as always and I will standing in your arms. One day, my Sam, one day. Until then, your bed is all made and waiting for you. Your window overlooks the garden and fresh flowers are on the table. The fireplace waits to warm you on cold nights and the nightstand already has a pipe and a couple books that I know you’ll like. Everything is of Elvish design, of course, including the pipe that I carved for you on my last birthday. I know you’ll love it because it’s also all set to our size, the perfect blend of Elvish and hobbit. I can’t wait for you to see it!

I spend my winter evenings in here too, the fire keeping me warm, as I continue to compose the gifts I hope to have all ready for you when you come. I want to make you something that is truly worthy of you, my dearest friend and brother, but I know I cannot. Nothing can ever approach what I can never actually repay you for, but I am still going to attempt in some small way to show you my love, appreciation and gratitude. I am actually grateful for this time alone because there is so much to tell you, but often, my quill will stop its scratch across the page and I will look up at the door and wait for you to come in. You will one day, dearheart, I know you will. Then with a smile, I look down and start writing again.

Enjoy your life, my Sam, the one your sacrifices on the Quest made possible. I know you would protest and say it was my sacrifices, but I prefer to place the credit where it truly belongs. And this time I can win that argument because you aren’t here to gainsay me. Victory at last!

But as even as I laugh as I write this, I sober a little, because I would much rather have you here and lose another argument, than win this one without you. But I will not be sad today. I will celebrate your life and your love and I will remember everything you ever did for me. That will take much more than a day, but I have the time.

I love you so much, my dearest friend, guardian and brother, so very, very, very much.