Chapter Sixty-Six: Leave Taking

I’m writing this on my way to you, my dear. I’m a bit of a mess because my heart is torn in two between hurrying and taking my time to make sure I don’t miss anything. I’ve decided on the latter. As much as my heart longs to be with you and to run all the way to the Havens and swim the rest of the way, it’s also rooted in the Shire and I want these days to last in my memory. Besides, I’m 102 years old! I can’t race around anymore, even if I wanted to. I’ve spent long hours this summer at Rosie’s grave, talking to her, tending the grass around her grave. It hurts still something fierce, but it’s peaceful too and it’s becoming more so. I know she hasn’t left me anymore than you have and I know even when I leave here and can’t visit anymore, she’ll still be with me, because she’s in my heart. Each time I’ve left, I’ve kissed the top of the marker, where her name was. Two nights ago I slept beside her, beside my parents. Last night the children held a farewell party for me. This morning I kissed the marker of my Rose for the last time.

Frodo-lad was waiting for me as usual at the cemetery entrance after I did that. It’s been hard on the children to lose their ma, but he’s been that wonderful since Rose died. That’s not to say he hasn’t always been wonderful, but it seems that our roles are almost reversed like ours became after a while and he’s the elder looking over a younger, protecting me like I always tried to protect you. Besides Elanor, he’s the one who understand my heart the best of all my bairns. I think he has much more of you to him than just his name. He’s never tried to replace you and I wouldn’t have wanted him to. He’s his own hobbit and I love him dearly just for who he is himself. But he has your heart. He understands that sometimes the deepest communication between two people can be when no words were spoken at all, when all that is needed is silent companionship, the squeeze of a hand, the brush of the lips against the brow. So our last walk home was spent, hand-in-hand, cherished by us both more than any words could say.

The farewell dinner was last tonight.. I spent this last, loud night surrounded by children and grandchildren, amazed at them all. It could have a joyous birthday present for all the cheer that surrounded me. That they can do that for me, so soon after losing their ma, that they can happy for me, amidst their own pain is a wondrous gift to me. Elanor and her kin I’ll be seeing in the next few days, but everyone else was there and they all came to hug and kiss me goodnight at the end. I welcomed each of them into my arms with a smile, a few words and a return kiss.

Frodo-lad was the last when all the others had gone. He kissed me, held me tight and I hope he felt the return embrace as protective and loving as it had always been. I hope they all felt that. When he broke away at last, he saw my tears and he was able to let his own go and we held each other tight again, crying, then wiping at each other’s cheeks and smiling at each other. They were other tears tonight too, but there was much more love. The children have all written notes to you that I’ll be bringing with me. You never met any of them but Elanor, but you are still very much part of their lives and they love you and that is why they can let go.

This morning was spent in tears and brave smiles, in tight embraces and long, last looks, in good wishes, kisses, “I love you”’s and “I’ll miss you”’s. Then a slow walk down the path leading away from Bag End and a turn around to wave at the new owner, still named Frodo, and more brave smiles. I’m writing this in a meadow along the way to ease some tired limbs and give the pony a chance to nibble at the grass while its rider nibbles at a large mushroom salad. I’m having a pipeful of Old Toby and plenty more stuffed in my bags, as I know you would have run out long before and I hope you have rediscovered the joy of a good pipe again. I read a little from the Red Book, then now I think a nap before continuing on to an inn for the night will be good. My muscles are already aching. I think I am going to be doing nothing but sleeping on that boat, which might not be a bad thing, you knowing how much I can’t abide being on the water. Only for you, my dear...  I’ll write more later.

I’m in a very comfortable feather bed now.  I spent the rest of the afternoon, as I know I will spend the days until I reach the Havens, with many long looks around, memorizing everything, breathing everything in, listening to everything. I don’t want to forget anything and I want to remember it all for you too.  I spent sometime before the fire in the common room tonight, reading from the Book, tracing the writing and remembering the hand and person behind it, the growing anticipation of seeing you I still so love.  Goodnight for now, dear.  Sleep well.  I will!  I love you.

This morning I said farewell to Elanor and her family. There were more embraces, more tears, more well wishes, more brave smiles, more kisses and “I love you”’s and “I’ll miss you”’s. The last thing I saw was Elanor smiling through her tears in silent blessing, understanding just as well as her oldest brother what this means to me.  She had the Book tightly clasped around her, for another generation to safeguard, to celebrate, to never forget. We waved at each other until I turned a bend.  All that is before me now is you and how long I’ve waited for this.  How very long.  I wiped at the last of my tears, some happy, some sad and wrapped myself in the love of all my children and grandchildren and memories that will last a lifetime, memories I can’t wait to share with you, my heart’s brother.

I’ve reached the Havens early this afternoon.  It was more beautiful than before, like I was seeing it with fresh eyes.  The sound of the sea was so welcoming and I wondered that such a sound could be welcome for someone like me, but now I feel like I could swim the whole way myself since it means you’ll be there to welcome me.  Mr. Cirdan smiled at me.  I was just that tired before I saw that smile and I had to be helped up the ramp.  I think my legs were unsteady not just from the long ride, but the excitement that I will be seeing you soon at last, but as soon as I stepped on the ramp, all my fatigue dropped away and a great joy surged through me.  I nearly ran up to the deck!  I’ll be with you soon, dear, my dear.  Soon hold you in arms that have so long ached to do so and be held by you, soon hear your voice and I dearly hope the laugh that echoed in my memories all these years; soon look into eyes so full of light and love and see them looking back at me; soon be wiping at joyful tears instead of remembering all the sad ones.

I spent some time looking back at the shore I will now be leaving forever, but soon I faced around and looked toward you.  I understand better than ever what I’ve felt in my heart for a long time.  I’m not leaving my home.  I’m coming toward it.

Sleep well, my dear.  I love you.