11 Dark Memories

Story time, or rather “stories time”, had gone well. Sam had allowed Pippin to tell the children two stories. The little ones loved it and it kept his young friend from his worries for awhile. With the children now asleep, Pippin and Sam returned to the kitchen.

Sam had been a good cook for most of his life and as the smell of his potato soup and the frying of bacon and mushrooms filled the air in preparation for afternoon tea, Pippin had to admit that he really was feeling hungry. Sam smiled to himself, his plan to whet Pippin's appetite by starting to cook had worked.

Rosie came into the kitchen and reported that Diamond was sleeping again and that it would be best to just let her sleep until she woke up on her own. Pippin ate a bit of the potato soup, mushrooms and bacon that were served and then asked to be excused to be with Diamond. When Sam went in later to call Pippin for dinner he found him asleep in the overstuffed chair and foot stool that had been pulled up to Diamond's bed the night before. His left arm was stretched out, his hand resting on her pillow, his fingers intertwined in her hair.

"It won't hurt nothin' to just leave him to sleep there." Sam said aloud to himself as he went to get an extra quilt out of a drawer in the wardrobe. "No sense in makin' him get up just to go back to sleep." Sam tucked the quilt around Pippin and then reached over and tousled his hair. It was a show of affection that he would no longer do to his friend when he was awake but that he often had done when Pippin would visit and fall asleep in a chair after reading or telling stories to one of Sam's children. "Little Pippin," Sam said and sighed. "She's a wonderful lass, tell her how you feel and marry the girl, then have little ones of your own to tell your tales to." He tousled Pippin's curls again and then went to have dinner with his family.

Diamond awoke, startled by some noise in the night. Moonlight came in through the round window casting its blue glow over the room. The noise came again and she realized that it was in the room with her, from the side of the bed to which her back was turned. She wasn't sure at first if she wanted to roll over and see what was there, then chided herself for being childish. Just as she started to roll over she jumped as a loud groan of pain came from behind her, followed by some one saying "Merry". She rolled over to see Pippin, lit with moon light, in the chair beside her bed. His restlessness had caused the quilt to slide off him a bit and his left hand was at his chest clutching his scarf. His eyes were closed but his face was twisted with pain.

"No!" He said in a raspy voice. "No, don't hurt him! No! Merry!"

Diamond sat up and moved to the edge of the bed nearest to Pippin. He was obviously having a nightmare but she wasn't sure if she should try to wake him or not. His breath was coming in gasps and he moaned again as though he was in agony.

"At least . . . at least he's not hurting Merry." He whispered through clenched teeth. "At least not Merry."

He groaned again then went suddenly rigid. Pippin's eyes had opened but Diamond knew he was not seeing the cozy bedroom at Bag End. His stare was fixed and his eyes wide with terror.

"I'm a hobbit." He said in a strained whisper. Then after a few moments: "Tell him he can't have this dainty!" The words made no sense to Diamond but as Pippin began to tremble from head to foot she knew she could take watching this no longer. She reached over and shook his shoulder.

"Peregrin!" Diamond said loudly but got no response. "Peregrin Took!" She yelled and shook him harder. Quicker than she could see his left hand had grabbed her throat and his right, fisted, had stopped mere inches from her cheek. His wide staring eyes were still unseeing and empty, then he blinked twice and the green eyes were Pippin's once again. But now they opened wide in a different kind of shock, he saw Diamond's horror stricken face, his fist at her cheek and, he gulped in a breath and held it, his own hand around her throat.

"Diamond!" Her name was a soft whisper as the breath he held rushed out of his lungs. Slowly his grip on her loosened and his hand fell to his lap, his fist relaxed and that arm also dropped. He stared at her opened mouthed for several seconds before he once again whispered "Diamond."

His chin dropped to his chest and his hands rose to cover his face. "What have I done?" He moaned and Diamond could tell he had started to weep. Afraid, hoping he wouldn't turn on her again, she reached out and gently touched his shoulder.

"What were you dreaming, Peregrin?" She asked softly. He shook his head no, but said nothing.

"You haven't hurt me. I'm alright, Peregrin. But what were you dreaming that was so painful, so terrifying?" She started to gently rub his shoulder.

"No, I can't." Came his muffled answer from behind his hands.

"I told you my hurts, Peregrin. I know they weren't as horrible as this dream had to be, still . . ." She hessitantly brushed her fingers through his hair, "Still, I told you my fears that I've shared with no one else." Diamond gently touched the back of his left hand. "What were you dreaming?"

He suddenly grabbed her hand and held it away from himself. He turned to look at her with an angry glare. "No! Don't touch me that way! What comfort can it bring? I'm broken, damaged, haunted forever! Don't touch me that way, or you'll be hurt too!"
Diamond's hand that he held was starting to ache from the tightness of his grip. With a sudden boldness she didn't quite understand Diamond pulled her hand free only to reach for Pippin again, this time to lightly caress the side of his face at his hairline as she had that day she found him lying injured at the ravine.

Her voice was soft and almost sensual. "I will touch you if I choose to, Peregrin Took, and what comfort it brings depends on what comfort you accept." Her touch was as light as a breath. Pippin shuddered, closed his eyes and brought his hand to hers, this time though he pressed her hand more firmly to his cheek instead of pulling it away.

"No one knows all of it except Merry and Sam." His voice was emotionless. "Merry went through most of it with me and Sam went through worse with Frodo. No one else knows all of it."

Diamond quietly repeated, "Tell me. What were you dreaming?"

"The dreams are different than reality was." Pippin began in the same flat voice. "Sometimes things are in the wrong order. Sometimes things happen in the dreams that didn't really happen. I'll tell you the reality."

He kept his eyes closed and Diamond could sense that he was seeing everything that had happened with his mind's eye. Another tremor ran through Pippin as he brought his two wrists together in front of him.

"We were captured by orcs, Merry and I, by Uruk-Hai. Boromir died trying to protect us. He died right in front of us, well he was dying when the Uruk-Hai grabbed us. We couldn't help him. It was horrible."

Pippin took in a shuddering breath and went on "They tied us up like this." He motioned with his held together hands. "The rope was hard and rough and tore at our skin. Our ankles were bound as well. They carried us about with their heads stuck between our arms and our hands pulled down about their necks." Pippin moved his arms apart while keeping his wrists together to show what he meant. "This pulled our wrists against the ropes tighter, the ropes cut even deeper into our wrists and our arms felt like they were going be pulled off by our own weight hanging from them. If they tired of carrying us they would untie our legs and make us run. The Uruk-Hai were tall, tall as men and it took three of our strides to one of theirs. We soon tired but if we went too slowly they would whip the backs of our legs. I could see Merry ahead of me with his blood dripping down his legs. That hurt me worse than my own whip-cuts, seeing Merry bleeding. If we stumbled they would seize us and drag us for a bit then make us run again till we could run no more. Then they would carry us again."

He stopped and took in several short breaths. The pain he was remembering was etched on his face, making him look old and sick. "When they would stop, they would throw us hard onto the ground and, if we were conscious at all we would lie as though we were unconscious; not moving, hardly breathing. If we moved too much they would kick us, if we were close enough to try to talk and they heard us, they kicked us. They were supposed to deliver us to Saruman 'alive and unspoiled'. We got as sick of hearing that as most of the orcs did. They still hit us and kicked us every chance they got."

Pippin swallowed hard and licked his lips. He needed a few seconds before he could continue. "One of them started on Merry one night, slapping him, hitting him, and badgering him about why we were so important to Saruman. Merry didn't say a thing, just took the blows. I laid there wishing the orc was hurting me instead of Merry when he walked over and grabbed me by my throat. He curled his fingers around till his nails dug into my neck and then dragged me over to Merry. 'Maybe if I hurt this one you'll talk, little rat.' The orc hissed as he spoke. "Will that loosen your tongue, little scum?' He shook me by my neck and started to squeeze so I couldn't breathe. I gasped and fought for a breath, hanging from his hand, feeling the pressure build in my head and hearing my pulse pounding in my ears. Merry didn't speak and I didn't want him to. We had to protect Frodo and the rest of our friends. Just as I felt I was going to swoon from the lack of air the orc set me down and loosened his grip enough for me to breath. 'Well, little rat," he said to Merry while I was coughing and gasping in as much air as I could with his hand still clutching my throat, ‘I can do that to him lots before he dies from it. Shall I show you or will you talk?' "

Pippin paused again. His hands, which he still held together, went to his scarf and clutched it tight. "That orc was into his third time choking me when his leader, a foul beast named Grishnak, came up, saw what he was doing and yelled 'Follow orders you maggot!' and cut the orc’s head off. Grishnak pulled me out of the dead orc's grip and tossed me away from Merry. 'Not a sound out of either of you, if you know what's good for you!' he shouted and he stomped off. I could feel blood on my neck from where the orc's nails had dug in. My throat hurt so badly that I could hardly breathe. I couldn't have talked to Merry even if I had dared to try, but we were close enough to see each other and we nodded our heads to show we were all right. It wasn't long after that that we escaped."

Pippin moved his hands apart and started to rub his wrists. "I told you the Ent-draughts made Merry and I taller. Well, the water of the Entwash also seemed to help heal our wounds." Pippin finally opened his eyes and looked at the wrist he was rubbing. "We should have had horrible scars on our wrists and legs, but they are very faint. They're there . . . they're there but you can barely see them."

He continued to rub his wrists as he turned his head and looked at Diamond. There was a depth of pain and sorrow in his eyes that was more than she could bear to see. "That's enough." He said. "There was more to the dream than that, more of what really happened but . . . I can't tell you any more right now. The dreams don't come often, but come they do. I fear I'll never be rid of them entirely. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have burdened you with this, but you insisted." He hung his head while still rubbing his wrists.

Diamond had taken her hand from Pippin's face while he had relived the terror from his past. She returned to gently running her fingers through his hair. His tale made her heart ache with wishing there was a way for her to help him. She looked at his wrists and gasped. Suddenly, she knew there was something she could say and do to help him.

"Lay your head back and close your eyes Peregrin. Keep them closed until I say you can open them." She said and she gently touched his eyelids as he did as she asked. "Don't say a word." She put her finger tips to his lips and he nodded his head.

Pippin became aware of Diamond taking hold of his left hand and realized that she had raised it to her lips and was gently kissing his wrist.

"What are . . ." He stared to ask, but she interrupted.

"Don't say a word." She repeated then continued to kiss across the back of his wrist. She gave no thought to how bold she was being, no thoughts of how arrousing such actions might be. The memories and the scars pained Peregrin’s heart and spirit, and that pained her. She knew well the power of a gentle, healing touch; the power of care and nurture from a loving heart. She had given this sort of love often enough to her siblings after her mother had died.

When she finished, she laid his forearm gently in his lap and picked up his other wrist and did the same to it, kissing it gently then laying it softly down. After a pause and the sounds of her moving, Pippin felt the quilt that covered him being pulled up to his knees, then the feel of gentle kisses on his right ankle. He felt her finger tracing along the outside of his calf then her kisses following where her finger had touched, repeated several times along different lines. Then on the inside of his calf, and then the same on his other ankle and calf. Another pause while the quilt was tucked back around his legs, then the touch of her fingers on his face, turning his head to the right then her kisses on the left side of his neck.

"When I told you of my Mother dying and my Father's problem and the pain it brought me, what did you do with what I told you?" Diamond whispered in his ear.

He kept his eyes closed but still looked puzzled. "I don't understand." He said.

She bit her lower lip a bit as she thought of another way to say what she needed to say. "Did you forget what I said or do you remember it? If you remember it, how well?"

"I remember every word, Diamond." He said tenderly. "I see you sitting on the bench under the grape arbor and I hear your voice. I remember every single word."

She began again to softly touch his face. "You put my memories with your own. My memories are now part of your memories and with that you took away some of the hurt I had. I felt lighter, better than I had felt in years. I will remember every word you spoke tonight. I will see you sitting in this chair in the moonlight, I will hear your pain filled voice and I will remember every single word. I have made your pain my pain so you don't have to bear it alone."

Pippin sighed and tears came to the corners of his eyes. "Why did you kiss my wrists and all?"

"I can see your scars, Peregrin. I don't know why, as you said they are faint and there is only moonlight to see by, but I can see them none the less." She paused and reached to touch the scars she had kissed on his neck the ones from the nails of the orc who had choked him. "Did you ever kiss a child's hurt finger?"

His eyes still closed Pippin grinned and chuckled lightly. "Yes, but I'm no child Diamond."

"But as an adult, why did you kiss the child's finger?"

"To ease the pain in the child's mind."

"Yes, to take some of the hurt away from the child. It may seem silly, as you aren’t a child, but it came to me as a way I might lessen your pain. You kept rubbing your wrists as though your memories hurt you physically. I wanted to take away your pain."

"They did hurt." Pippin said as a look of wonder spread across his features. "But now, well . . ." He paused for a moment then took a deep breath and sighed. "Have you ever awakened and, although your mind is awake, you feel like your body is still asleep? As though you can't move because you are so relaxed?"

"Yes."

"I feel like that right now." He said, the wonder on his face now in his voice as well. "As you finished kissing each scar the pain just flowed away. I've never felt so relaxed. I can't move. You have taken the pain, Diamond, from my heart and my body."

She had ended up sitting on the arm of the chair and she now reached over to put her arms around his shoulders and snuggle her face up against his neck. She understood why he didn't return the embrace.

"I love you Diamond." His breath tickled her ear with the whispered words.

"I love you Peregrin." She sighed.

After awhile, when the feeling had returned to his arms, Pippin reached over to take Diamond by the waist and pull her onto his lap. He pulled the quilt off of the bed and wrapped it around her. She wiggled a bit to get comfortable in his arms, then murmured "Goodnight, Peregrin". He kissed her forehead, returned her "Goodnight" and they slept the rest of the night in each other's arms