*~*~*~*~*

Chapter 11 - Conversations and Explanations

October, 1421 S.R.

*~*~*~*

When Estella neared her brother's home after returning from town, she saw a hobbit exiting the hole and mounting a pony that stood nearby.  But she could tell immediately that this was not Fredegar.  This particular hobbit was rather tall.

"Merry?" she called out.

The rider halted his pony and slowly turned to face Estella.  It was indeed Merry, but he didn't look at all fitting of such a nickname.  Even in the dwindling light she could see the tears that shone on his face.

The sight of him brought a sharp stab of pain into Estella's heart.  She found herself wanting to comfort him, to make his tears go away.  She approached him and rested her hand on his leg.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

For a moment, Merry was silent.  He looked away from her and squeezed his eyes shut.  Estella wished he would say something, anything, rather than to simply sit there with such pain etched across his face.

At last, he said, "I've just told Fredegar.  It's... it's about Frodo."

Greater worry seized Estella.  Frodo had looked terribly frail when last she saw him...  Perhaps he had fallen ill?  Surely nothing too severe had happened...

Working against her better judgement, Estella took Merry's hand.  "Do you want to talk about it?"

Merry stared long and hard at her for a while before nodding and dismounting his pony.  He let Estella lead him to a tree some ways off, where they sat under the swaying branches.  He held on to her hand, regarding it for a moment and stroking her fingers with his free hand.  When he finally spoke, his voice was low and steady.

"Frodo's gone."

Estella inhaled sharply and tightened her grip on Merry's hand.  "Dead?" she whispered.

But Merry shook his head.  "No.  Over the Sea.  To Valinor."

"Valinor?" she repeated the strange word, her brows furrowed.  "I don't--"

"I don't understand it either," he broke in, more tears streaming down his face.  "I don't know anything about Valinor, except that the people there are the only ones who can heal what has ailed Frodo ever since he was given that cursed Ring!"

"Ring?"  Estella leaned in closer to him, filled with a sudden determination.  She now covered his hand in both of hers and said, "Merry, what happened when you rode out of the Shire?  What happened that changed the four of you so much?"

Merry looked deep into her eyes, and for once Estella held his gaze without blushing or wanting to turn away.  Finally, he looked away, sighing deeply.

"I hope you have some time to spare, because it is quite a tale."

Estella listened to this tale with ever-mounting fear and awe as Merry told her of wraiths and wights, Elves and Ents, and many other creatures terrible and beautiful.  She was filled with wonder at his descriptions of the valley where Rivendell was hidden, the dark chasms of Moria, and the majesty of fair Lothlórien.  She weeped with him when he spoke of the fall of the warrior Boromir.  When he told her how he and Pippin had been captured by the fierce Uruk-Hai, Estella reached up to stroke the scar that ran above his eyebrow, but could find no words to describe what she was feeling.

The sun had long since set by the time Merry completed the tale.  When he did, Estella was at a loss for words.  Merry Brandybuck - a warrior?  A hero in some far-off land?  It seemed impossible, yet looking into his eyes she saw a glimmer of all that had befallen, all that those eyes had witnessed.  And not all had been fair to behold.

"Oh, Merry," Estella murmured.  "I had no idea--"

"Of course you didn't."  There was a hint of bitterness, and more than a hint of regret in his voice.  "No one in the Shire knew.  None of them knew or cared that Frodo and Sam are hailed as heroes in the South.  And now, none of them will know that Frodo fought so hard for so long to save Middle-earth, to save the Shire, and how he can't even enjoy what he fought to preserve because the pain and memories were all too much.  And the Shire will never know..."

Estella tightened her grip on his hand.  "But you know," she said.  "And I know.  Sam and Pippin know.  Someday, Elanor will be told, and she will pass it on to her children.  And the Big Folk, and the Elves and Dwarves, they all know.  And I'm sure that if everyone in the Shire did know just how close we all were to... to being destroyed..."  Estella choked at those last few words.  They were so hard to say, so hard to believe...  "Then I'm sure that they would have honored Frodo, and Sam and Pippin, and even you, just as much as you deserve to be and more."

Merry stared at her for a moment before giving her a small smile.  "Yes, I suppose you're right."

She returned the smile and looked down at her hand, which still clutched Merry's.  "It must sound silly of me to be talking about all that, though.  Something I wasn't even involved in."

Merry shifted a bit so that he was turned to face her more.  "But don't you see?  You are part of what we were fighting to protect.  The Shire, and everything in it."

Estella chuckled softly.  "I'm sure I was the last person on your mind when you were off fighting in those wars."

"Perhaps," he admitted with a smile.  "Back then I still wasn't very fond of you.  But I also didn't know you then."

She raised an eyebrow.  "And do you believe you know me now?"

His gaze was steady and intense.  "As much as you've allowed me."  That gaze was too much for her, and she looked away.  "Estella," he said gently.  "Please tell me why you're so afraid of me."

She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, desperately hoping that the tears would not fall.  "It's not you I'm afraid of."

"What then?" he asked intently, his voice filled with pleading.  "Please, Estella, I want to help you, I don't want you to be sad anymore, but I can't do anything to help you if you won't tell me what's wrong."

"I'm not sad."  But her voice quavered, and her hands shook violently.

Merry moved closer to her and stroked her hands gently, lovingly.  Lovingly...  Estella looked up at him with amazement, as though she was seeing him for the first time.

"Please," he said again.  "I'd like to know."

She turned away, not wanting him to see her cry, and inwardly cursing herself for allowing those tears.  "It's incredibly ridiculous.  I don't know why it affects me so much.  I suppose I'm just... weak."

"You're not--"

"I must be," she said sharply.  "Only someone very weak would let herself linger on one person, would question herself just because of what one lad did to her."

Merry squeezed her hand.  "So that's it.  You've been hurt before."

"Like I said, it's absolutely ridiculous."  She returned her gaze to him, and her voice became soft and timid.  "You really want to hear about it?"

"Yes," he said firmly.  "I want to understand."

"All right."  Estella let out a deep breath.  "His name was Hugo Goodbody.  His family lived near ours and we saw each other often while growing up.  I think it was the year before you left that we began courting."  She shook her head angrily.  "I was madly in love with him.  And that first year was wonderful.  I was happier than I'd ever been, and never once did I think it would change.  But then..."  Her voice now quivered in a way that Merry had never heard from her.  "It did change.  Or rather, he changed.  About a month after we were officially engaged, he became more irritable, and he started to avoid me."  Estella briskly wiped away fresh tears that had escaped her eyes.  "I can't say I blame him.  After all, I certainly hadn't been very pleasant to be around.  The prospect of marriage frightened me a lot more when it was suddenly so near, even if it was with someone I loved.

"About two months after Hugo proposed, we got into a horrible fight.  He said he didn't think he wanted a wife who was so... untamed.  I told him that he had known full well what kind of person I was and demanded to know why he had proposed to me in the first place if I was so 'incorrigible,' as he put it.  He said..."  Estella's throat constricted with a barely-supressed sob.  She held Merry's hand tightly, but he did not seem to notice.  After a moment of fighting more tears, Estella swallowed deeply, regaining her composure.  "He told me, 'Why waste time actually looking for a wife to fall in love with when there's someone completely willing right next door?'"  This time she could not fight the sob, and she did not bother to refuse Merry's touch as he wrapped an arm around her, holding her close.  When she had recovered enough to speak, Estella continued.  "Apparently his parents had been pressuring him to settle down and start a family.  Apparently he had never really loved me at all.  And after he told me so, he said the wedding was off, and he turned to leave.  But before he walked out, I yelled out that I didn't need him, that I didn't need any husband.  He laughed and said, 'I certainly hope not, seeing as how no hobbit in his right mind would want a stubborn lass who refuses to be tamed - a lass like you.'"

Estella could say no more, and Merry held her tighter as her body continued to shudder with tears.  He gently stroked her hair and even kissed the top of her head as she wept unrestrainedly into his shoulder.  He wanted desperately to say something, to comfort her in this moment of weakness, but he could find no words that he thought would have been fitting.  Many things came to his head, comforting clichés that he could murmur into her ear; he could tell her that she would be all right, that she didn't need someone like Hugo Goodbody because she was an incredible person and it was Hugo's fault for not seeing this.

But it wasn't until after Estella's tears had subsided that Merry could bring himself to speak, and when he did, the words still did not seem enough to him.  "You... you shouldn't hurt yourself by lingering on someone so foolish as Hugo Goodbody, who obviously didn't see how lucky he was to have you in his life."  Estella sat up to look at him, her gaze intense and holding something akin to wonderment.  Avoiding her gaze, Merry continued.  "After all, it doesn't look as though he's given you anything but pain, so why waste time thinking about him?"

To Merry's surprise, Estella slowly shook her head.  "No, he did give me something."  She sighed deeply and closed her eyes.  "He taught me that falling in love simply isn't worth the pain.  Hoping that someone will come along and love me for who I am - it just isn't worth it."

She felt gentle fingertips brush against her skin as Merry turned her head so that he could look into her eyes.  "You can't believe that, Estella," he said softly, imploringly.  "Please tell me you don't."

Estella shook her head again.  "It doesn't matter anymore.  Maybe Hugo was right, maybe he wasn't.  But it doesn't matter.  I'm through with falling in love.  Once was quite enough for me."

Merry stared at her for a long while, his face unreadable, before replying.  "I'm very sorry to hear that."

She met his gaze steadily, and was suddenly overcome with sadness at the look in his eyes.  She hadn't thought it possible, but Merry seemed to genuinly feel sorry for her, and to want her to be happy.  But what surprised Estella the most was how she was no longer unnerved by this thought.

It took her a moment to notice just how tired Merry was.  "You look exhausted," she said softly.  "Do you want me to take you inside?"

His eyelids drooping, Merry shook his head.  "No, I... I just want to stay here."

"All right," Estella said.  She reached out and helped him to gently lower his head onto her lap.  Smiling slightly, she ran her fingers through his thick curls and heard him give a deep sigh.  They sat in that manner for some time before Merry broke the silence.

"I've realized who it is you remind me of."  This last word broke off into a great yawn.

"Oh?" Estella prodded, her lips twitching into a smile at the sight of him yawning.  She thought he looked rather endearing.

"Yes," he mumbled, snuggling closer to her.  Estella bit back a laugh as he continued, his words slurred by sleepiness.  "You remember me telling you about Lady Éowyn of Rohan?  I think the two of you are a bit alike.  Éowyn was cold, but beautiful, and she was incredibly brave.  She did not even allow King Théoden to keep her from what she wanted, which was to ride off to war.  She once said that her only fear was a cage.  You remind me of her."

Estella's smile slowly faded at this comparison.  How could she remind Merry of a great woman such as this Lady Éowyn?  Her voice low, Estella asked, "What happened to her?"

"She was healing from her wounds in battle when she met the Steward of the City."  Estella saw a sleeply smile spread across Merry's face.  "She fell in love."

*~*~*~*

The first thing Estella felt when she awoke was the warmth of sunlight on her face.  She opened her eyes slightly and saw that the sun had begun to rise.  She was starting to wonder why she had awakened outside when she felt Merry stir from his own slumber.  A small smile crept across Estella's face as she looked down to regard the sleeping hobbit, in the same position as she'd last seen him in the night before.

Estella was twirling a lock of Merry's hair when she heard someone clearing their throat in front of her.  A sense of foreboding swelling in her, she looked up to find her brother standing a few feet away and wearing a bemused expression.

"Good morning, Estella," Fredegar said with an impish smile.

"Hello, Fredegar," she mumbled, a blush rising in her cheeks.

"I trust you slept well?"

It was then that Estella registered the fact that she had spent the night sitting up with her back against a tree.  Wincing, she replied, "I suppose I could have found a better spot."

Fredegar's smile widened.  "Well, Mister Brandybuck seems to be quite comfortable."

Glancing down again, Estella saw the truth in this.  Merry was the image of a sleeping babe, right down to the fact that his thumb rested between his lips.  "Merry," Estella whispered, prodding his shoulder.  "Merry, wake up."

Merry groaned softly in response, burying his face into her leg.  Estella's blush deepened and she scowled slightly.  "Merry!"  She flicked his ear, which yielded a small yelp of pain from the now-awakened hobbit.  "Get up, you silly Brandybuck!"

Blinking, Merry glanced around and saw Fredegar standing over him, still wearing that mischevious grin.  "Oh, hello, Fatty!  What..."  The question died on his lips when he finally took in his location.  He turned his head to look up at Estella.  "Good morning," he said with a broad grin.

Estella returned the smile, her teeth clenched.  "Get off me, Merry."

"Must I?"

When he heard the low growl that rumbled in Estella's throat, Merry gave a heavy sigh.  "Oh, very well."

*~*~*~*~*