This is one of my favorite chapters, and it contains the first thing I ever wrote for this story.  I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. :-)

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Chapter 12 - Sweet Surrender

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"I can't believe I'm doing this," Estella muttered under her breath.

It was almost an hour after sunset when she walked down the road towards the Party Field.  In her hand she clutched a small piece of parchment that she had found on her brother's front door that afternoon, addressed to her.

Estella-- it read.  Meet me in the field in front of the mallorn tree after sunset.

The letter had been signed, but Estella would have known who it was from without a signature.  There was only one person who it could have been.

Part of Estella had not wanted to show up that night, was afraid of what Merry might say to her.  But that stubborn, cynical side of Estella was slowly being pushed back by another part of her, a part she had thought had been left long behind.  The part of her that was ready and willing to embrace what Merry offered her...

Estella shook her head angrily, supressing the thought.  She looked up from the ground and saw the mallorn tree shining in the distance.  Though it had been planted merely two years prior, the mallorn was already tall enough to rival many of the older trees of the Shire (those that had not been torn down by the ruffians, that is).  Estella could only assume its surprising growth had something to do with Elven magic.

When she reached the mallorn, she could find no sign of Merry.  Late, I suppose, she thought with a heavy sigh.  Or not showing up at all, more likely.  She folded her arms across her chest, wearing a slight scowl, and was preparing herself for a long wait when she heard a soft voice behind her.

"Estella?"

She let out a small yelp of surprise, whirling around in the direction of the voice.  "Merry!" she exclaimed.  When she had calmed down, she growled, "Don't do that to me."

Merry gave her an apologetic smile.  "Sorry."

Silence followed as the two hobbits regarded each other for a moment.  Finally, Estella said, "Now, what's so important that you had to drag me out here so late?"

Merry fidgeted.  "I... I wanted to give you something."

In the light provided by the mallorn and the crescent moon shining far overhead, Estella could see that Merry was turning a small object over in his hands.  She leaned closer to him to regard the object more carefully, unaware of the wonder and longing in Merry's eyes as he looked upon her.

He took her hand and placed the object, which Estella now recognized as a broach of some kind, into it.  The broach was leaf-shaped, carved from a shining green stone and lined with the purest silver.  With a gasp, she realized where she had seen it before.

"This came from your cloak, that the Elves gave you," she said, reaching up to touch the now-bare spot on the front of his cloak.  "Merry, you can't give me this!"

"And why not?" he asked, gently pushing away her hand as she attempted to return the broach.  "I want you to have it.  And if you can't think of it as a gift..."  He stared at the ground, unable to meet her gaze.  "Then simply keep it for me, until there's a time when we can both have it.  Together."

Merry's voice was soft and gentle, but Estella backed away from him as though he was brandishing a sword at her.  "I-- I have to go."  She turned and quickly walked away from him.

"You still can't bring yourself to trust me, can you?"  Merry's words brought Estella to a reluctant halt.  She wanted to run away as fast as she could, but something held her back.  "It still hurts, what Hugo did to you, and so you can't bring yourself to surrender to what you feel."  His sorrowful tone changed to a pleading one.  "I want to help you, Estella, I want to comfort you, but I can't do that unless--"

Estella whirled around to face him, her eyes flashing.  "I don't need anyone's comfort, Merry, least of all yours.  I don't need you to hold me if I start crying, or to tell me that everything will be all right.  I don't want to be coddled."  She turned and again began to walk away.

"I know," Merry called after her.  "And I wouldn't want to attempt to coddle you; I have enough scars already."  He approached her, and Estella could feel his presence directly behind her.  "I can't tell you how much I admire you, Estella."

Estella turned to face him, her eyes wide with surprise and disbelief.  "What?  Why?"

Merry stepped closer to her so that they were almost touching.  "You've never allowed anyone to tell you how you should and shouldn't act, what you should and shouldn't say.  You are your own person, and you don't let anyone change that."  He reached out, taking her hand in his and gazing at it for a moment before continuing.  "You are unique, and insufferable though you may be, I consider it an honor to be in your company."

Estella was certain that most girls would have swooned to hear Merry say that to them, but at that moment, all Estella could do was wonder what she could possibly say to refuse him, and to refuse what her heart was demanding of her.

Her eyes began to fill with tears, and she squeezed them shut.  No, please no.  Not now.  Don't you dare cry in front of him again.

A tender hand tilted her chin up, and she reluctantly met Merry's gaze.  "You see, this is exactly the sort of thing that I want to end.  It hurts too much to see you cry."

Wearily, Estella asked, "Why must you be so persistant?"

Merry gently cupped her face with his hands.  "Because you're suffering, you're in pain.  And I have to find a way to make you happy, so that I can see you smiling your beautiful smile.  I have to chase the sorrow from your eyes, so they'll be bright with more than just tears.  I have to, Estella!"

Wishing she could collapse against him, she said softly, almost desperately, "Why?  Why do you feel the need to protect me?"

His face was firm with defiance when he replied.  "Because I have to protect what I love - who I love."

She gazed up at him, her eyes wide with shock.  "What do you mean?" she whispered.

Moving his hands to gently grip her arms, Merry leaned down until their foreheads were touching, and he whispered back, his voice filled with that same defiance as before.  "I love you, Estella.  You know that, you've always known.  But you've been fighting your own feelings.  Now I ask you why - why do you resist what your heart knows to be right?"

Estella tried to push herself away from him, but her arms were too weak and his grip too firm.  She sobbed again and finally gave into the urge to fall apart in his arms.  Merry caught her before she could fall to the ground and held her close, running a hand through her tangled hair.  She tightly gripped the front of his shirt as she wept onto his shoulder.

As this was happening, Estella did not see the tears Merry shed as he mentally scolded himself for being so crass.  He was about to apologize when she spoke, so softly that he had to strain his ears to hear.

"You can't be in love with me, Merry.  You can't."

His brows furrowed, he asked, "Why?"

"Because I don't deserve you."

Whatever Merry had been expecting, this certainly wasn't it.  "What are you talking about?"

"You deserve a wife who will be obedient, who will stay at home and raise a wonderful family.  A wife who is quiet and polite and gentle..."  She lowered her voice even more.  "Not someone like me."

Merry was astonished by what he'd just heard.  He stepped back and raised Estella's chin so that she looked him in the eye.  "Estella, don't you see?  What I want is you.  I love you so much it hurts, and it hurts all the more because you won't let yourself return my feelings."

She looked down, unable to bear his gaze.  "I... I can't, we can't..."

"Can't or won't?"  He stroked her cheek, wiping away as much of her tears as he could.  "Why are you fighting this, Estella?"

She took a deep breath and returned his gaze again.  "Because it can't end well."  Her voice was soft, slow, and mournful.  "You'll hurt me, and you'll leave me, and I'll be alone again."

Her look of anguish brought tears to Merry's eyes, as well as a fresh wave of determination.  "Estella, I would never, ever do anything to hurt you.  I would sooner die than see you in pain, and I can't help but die a little everytime I see the sorrow in your eyes."  She tried to look away from him again, but he gently turned her head back to face him.  "You say that I'll only bring you pain, but believe me when I say I would give my all to do just the opposite.  I will push myself to the brink and beyond to make you happy, if you'll only let me.  Please, Estella - let me make you happy."

This time it was she who wiped away the tears; she allowed her hand to linger on his cheek as she spoke.  "I'm so sorry, Merry.  But I learned a long time ago that I can't trust my heart."

But Merry refused to admit defeat.  He stared hard at her as he replied, "Then let me ask one more thing of you; and if you do me but one favor, grant me this wish."  She braced herself as he took a deep breath.  "Let me kiss you."  Her eyes widened, and before she could even think of how to respond, he continued.  "Let me kiss you, but also you must let yourself kiss me in return.  You must surrender to it completely.  And after that kiss you must decide how you really feel about me, about us.  If you still feel you can't give into this--"  He paused and took another breath, pain evident in his features.  "Then you will see or hear no more of me, save by chance."

Estella was at a loss for what to say or do.  The rational part of her knew that she must not go along with what Merry was asking of her.  She knew deep down that if she kissed him once she would not be able to stop, and it would take her to a place she had vowed never to go.

And yet there was another part of her that disagreed with this, that part that desired above all else to give Merry everything she had, to make him happy and to allow him to make her happy - the part of her that longed to give her heart away to him.

He spoke again, even softer than before.  "Just this once?"

He has given so much for me - it's time I gave him something in return.

She smiled.  "Just this once."

He returned her smile and slowly pressed his lips to hers.

Estella had been kissed before, by her former fiancé, and she had never thought of those kisses as anything spectacular, nor did she believe anyone else could make a kiss as powerful as she'd heard they should be.  But that had been before she had felt Merry's lips against her own, felt his tender hands on her face.  In that blissful moment, Estella wished she could melt into him, desperate for anything that would let her be closer to him.  She could sense his desire to deepen the kiss, and she guessed he witheld this longing out of fear of being too rough with her.  But she suddenly found she was no longer afraid of him, his touch, or her own emotions.  In that one blessed moment, all fear evaporated, leaving Estella with a powerful need to be close to Merry, to fill herself with his scent, to know his touch, to feel his heart beating against her.

She stood on her toes and wrapped her arms around Merry's neck, pressing herself as close to him as possible.  At first, he seemed surprised by her actions, but he quickly recovered, and in response, he moved his hands to her waist, wrapping his arms around her.  Estella found herself being lifted off the ground as Merry attempted to bring her face level with his.  It was then that she realized why he had been reluctant to deepen the kiss; his lips were now moving with such an intensity that she had to struggle to match it.  Refusing to be outdone, Estella met and surpassed his fierceness, unsure as to whether she would be able to hold in the passion and joy that was swelling within her.

When they finally broke the kiss, they kept their faces close, their lips still brushing against each other.  Their breath came out in short gasps, and Estella was surprised to find that she was trembling from head to toe.  Her gaze never left Merry's, and for that wonderful moment she let herself drown in his eyes, consumed by the love she found in them.

Love... her thoughts went rushing back to why they had kissed in the first place.

"Merry," she whispered softly, unsure of where to begin.

It was then that Merry realized he still held Estella several inches off the ground.  Clearing his throat slightly, he carefully set her down, keeping his hands on her waist.

She smiled at this, sliding her hands down to his chest.  "Merry, I... I have to tell you the truth."  With the light from the moon illuminating his face, Estella could tell that Merry was preparing himself for the worst.  He tightened his grip on her waist, but she did not mind; quite the contrary, she did not want to be any further from him than was necessary.  Her smile widened, and spoke slowly, in a tone that left no room for doubt.  "I deeply, honestly, desperately love you with every fiber of my being."  The words flew out of her mouth as though she had rehearsed them a thousand times over.  With every word, she felt her heart being weighed down less and less as she finally allowed herself to release everything she had longed to say to him.  "For the longest time I thought that love would bring me nothing but pain, that it would keep me in a cage.  But now I understand.  Now I see that the only way I can really be free is if I'm with you."  She stood on her toes and pulled his face closer to hers.  "I surrender to you, Merry."

For a moment, he simply stared at her, his eyes wide, not daring to believe what he'd just heard.  Quite suddenly, his face broke into a grin wider than any she had ever seen him wear.  He picked her up and twirled her around, his laughter carrying into the night.

"Never has a victory felt so wonderful!" Merry cried, kissing her forehead, nose, cheeks, lips, and anything else his lips could reach.

Estella laughed, wrapping her arms around him tightly.  She whispered into his ear, "And never has surrender felt so sweet."

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